Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

[LittleCactus]

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

In breaking off your engagement, what did he think you'd do? Leave or just accept his decision? Neither option says anything good about how he views you. See a solicitor, you need legal advice on all your options moving forward. Good luck.

Has he found this web page OP?

Since he agreed to get married, I would marry ASAP on a registry wedding only so you're financially protected and then work on regaining the trust in your relationship.

I think from the beginning he wanted to have an exit and that's why he didn't put you in the deeds or mortgage in the house. Of course, it was totally unfair because you were already together, probably engaged and you were helping paying half the bills/mortgage.

After the wedding, I would get back to work full time and get him to effectively do 50% of childcare, household chores.

Good luck!

Personally I would get married ASAP.

You can see a solicitor who will give you options, one being get married, the other would be to get a load of paperwork (wills, house stuff) done to get yourself protected whilst not married. All of this will be more than £50.

He's just come to bed and told me that he was being an idiot and actually does want to get married now

He can say what he likes, see what action he actually takes.

Take him at his word. Book it! Worse case Sen stop you’re protected but best case he loves you and just had a moment of cold feet.

Gretna Green and a lovely for a quick wedding! I’d be getting it booked asap to protect yourself and your child.

Sounds like he wants an easy life - so initially backed out because it’s hassle, money and a bit too serious for his liking e.g. being a legally binding arrangement.
Then, your reaction to that and his fears about the ramifications of your reaction made him think it’s probably easier to just do the marriage thing but with little fuss.
He sounds a bit wet to me.

TBH we still don't know why he has been reluctant to get married thus far.

If it is due to cost and faff, I can understand that POV. He isn't necessarily being devious in his motives.

IMHO, marriage is one of those things that you have to be 100% certain you are doing the right thing for the right reason. If you have any doubts, at all, then don't do it.

Why poor kid? Lots of people don’t get married and the children are fine, it’s not the 50s anymore!

I say do do it, even if you have doubts as it will make it so much better for you if you do split. And if you don't you can always do the big party, honeymoon etc. later. You have to be slightly mercenary in these things, especially when there are children involved. No one else is going to look out for you- you have to do it for yourself

@HeraSyndulla

I used to believe this, however, if you've already been contributing to a mortgage where you aren't on the deeds and you have a DC together - you are completely unprotected.

If OP and her DP were to break up today, she would no claim on the house or her loss of earnings / pension.

If he'd always felt this way I'd consider whether it mattered more to be married to someone or to be with him. But because this is a rowing back, I'd assume his feelings for me had changed and probably leave him.

If you’re still going to be with him I’d get married. I had a no fuss stress free registry marriage that was lovely.

Take him at his word and marry him asap. You have nothing to lose by marrying him now (and possibly splitting in the future) but everything to lose by not marrying and splitting up.
just make sure you don’t pay for the wedding (or anything much) till your financial future is secured.
time to start thinking with your head not heart till he proves himself trustworthy again

Get married but don't have all the fluff and fuss. Either church or registry office. Costs are minimal.

If you RTFT the OP has stated that she has offered several times to do a low cost/low key wedding and he said no until the point it dawned on him that it was probably cheaper and easier to do it than to risk having 50/50 custody of his child without a housekeeper partner.

He is obviously either devious or incredibly lazy and unmotivated. Neither bodes well for the future of their relationship.

However, he holds all the cards financially so I regret to say she is probably better off marrying him than not.

I still think it's worth checking with a solicitor first. The only reason to marry this absolute prince of a man is financial, so worth making totally sure it makes financial sense before doing it.

Hmmm yes I'm sure he was 'confused'. Sounding more and more like he's taken you for a ride OP. Explain to him the legal standing and protection marriage woul give you in the event that he died/split up from you and ask him how, in the absence of marriage, he proposed that you guarantee that protection. Examples you could suggest might be him writing a will that makes you his sole beneficiary (especially important if his family don't like you), putting your name on the deeds of the house, any savings you have as a couple being in an account in your sole name (on the gentleman's understanding you would od COURSE give him back what he put in in the event of a split.... You know, the kind of security he is offering you over the house).

When he weasels or flat out refuses these options, explain to him that what he is telling you is he doesn't want to marry you the better to screw you over when you split (which is obviously a when in his mind, not an if). And that that is not acceptable to you, not what he promised when you combined your finances and had his child, and a total mug's game. Does he think you're stupid?

Presumably you announced this engagement in some way. Ask him how he plans to explain to your friends and family who are presumably expecting an invite at some point that he has decided, at this late stage in the game, it is "too much faff" to fulfil the promise he made to the mother of his child to make a full legal commitment to her, but he would like to keep on fucking her for now so you're not breaking up? How is he planning to parse that to, say, his mother?

Honestly what a prick. At least he's being quiet blatant though instead of just stringing you along for decades, so just believe in the face he's showing you and don't waste any more years on this idiot. Start making plans to leave and make sure EVERYBODY knows why.

I wouldn't marry this man, he has shown his contempt for you by letting your financial security suffer.

Get on the deeds immediately and return to work full time, he does his half of childcare.

Marriage gives a false sense of security and makes men lazy, protect yourself properly through full time work and property

Also I'm not married to my DDs' dad (my choice) but I never gave up work, I'm equal on the mortgage deeds and we each hold savings equally in our own names. All pay goes into joint account from which bills etc are paid and then we both get an equal allowance for spends. We have wills naming each other as the beneficiary of our estates, next of kin on all forms etc. we have replicated legal marriage to the best of our ability because neither of us plans to leave the other but neither of us wants the other to suffer unfairly in th event of a split.

He wants th advantage over you OP. He is clearly a wrongun.

In some ways it is like the 1950s because op might not get a penny in the event of a split apart from what she paid in. Even though she has contributed to the mortgage. The more I think about it the more of an arsehole he sounds. He said if they split she would get her money back - all the while his property is accruing equity. So he will be left with a property that is worth much more and she helped to fund it.

In principle I totally agree with this although I fear in the short term marriage might be the most practical solution if the OP isn’t working FT and doesn’t have her own assets.

It’s thoroughly unsatisfactory to think of having to marry such an absolute pig just to get access to the money though. How depressing.

A man who loves you would not make you or their child financially vulnerable, @LittleCactus . If he has genuinely had a rethink and a marriage / your name on deeds goes ahead without delay, fair enough. Otherwise I'd be seeking legal advice and reconsidering the relationship.

You do know this if you've read the OP's posts where she says she's brought it up a number of times and said she's happy to have a quiet wedding 'multiple times'.