Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 28/12/2023 07:57

my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him.

Sorry, OP, this seems absolutely ridiculous to me. Tell your parents where to get off. It is not normal for a son-in-law to have such interactions with his wife's parents - he has his own parents to deal with. I have a son-in-law. He would call me if there was something he was helping me with - my tax return, for example. He doesn't call to check how I am - his wife - my daughter - does that.

It's down to you, I'm afraid, to put them in their place. Or, you could accept their behaviour and end up being single for the rest of your life.

MadMadMad · 28/12/2023 07:59

DH has never called my parents unless it was to ask dad for DIY advice and I have only ever called his to discuss the children with his mother.

Maddy70 · 28/12/2023 08:00

Why should he be calling your parents? I don't think my husband has ever called mine for a chat nor did I call his. That's a weird expectation

Lizziebest · 28/12/2023 08:02

OP are you from a culture where your husband is expected to fulfill certain duties to your parents as a mark of respect?

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 28/12/2023 08:03

it would never have occurred to me to call my ils ‘mum & dad’. Why would I? I had my own parents. I called them by their first names, as they wished, and later Grandma etc. My DH called my parents by their first names too.
I did occasionally call MIL to see how she was , mainly as she had been ill, and I knew DH would not think to do so, but I never saw DH do the same to my parents. They were fine with that.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/12/2023 08:04

My DH sends funny pictures to my dad and they have the occasional chat via text but it's (usually) quite surface level. He very rarely speaks to my mum off his own back. When we're all together they get on like a house on fire. If something needs discussing, we usually do it all together but he's not scared to chat to them if he needs to.

I am similar with his parents. Very very odd message with his dad, a few chats with his mum. Probably more than he does with my dad but we live closer to his parents and so his mum and I communicate about DC or events etc because we're usually the organisers. Again, we get on great when we're all together.

I think you need to explain to your parents that his lack of calling them isn't a sign of dislike. It's just that people tend to "deal" with (for lack of a better phrase) their own parents, even if they really like their in laws.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 28/12/2023 08:05

Your dh has a massive wife problem. If you have to choose between the family you created and the family you came from you choose the family you created.

Your parents are nuts.

fuckssaaaaake · 28/12/2023 08:05

Why the fuck would he ring your parents??

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2023 08:06

Unless your DH is an arse and treats you badly, your parents sound utterly bonkers!
I'd be telling them that too!

fuckssaaaaake · 28/12/2023 08:06

Sorry no need for my swear word it's just my MIL used to moan about me not calling. She's not my friend, I don't care one bit what she's up to so why would I call her. They didn't actually "gain a son" , as some soppy mares say, they gained a SIL!

StaunchMomma · 28/12/2023 08:07

It's neither expected nor required for a spouse to 'check in' on the in-laws, OP. Your parents are being really OTT and demanding.

It's also more than a bit ridiculous that you would consider leaving a relationship because of your parents' disapproval. It sounds like they are overly-involved and a bit controlling.

So, in short, I'd say you don't have a DH problem, you have a parental problem.

greentourmaline · 28/12/2023 08:08

Your parents' expectations are WAAAY out of whack. They're putting themselves in the centre of this, perhaps from fear of losing you. In this respect, I'd hazard a guess that you're an only child? But this is about your baby, you, your husband and your marriage. Not them.

Are things otherwise good with your husband? If so, then you need to be the one to take responsibility and run interference. They're your parents, not his. It's up to you to manage the relationship. Reassure them that you are not going anywhere while defending him (are you in close contact with his family? Were your parents in close contact with their respective in-laws? If not, use these examples ). In any case, their relationship with him doesn't need to affect their relationship with you - unless they are being rude about him. Nip that in the bud now, as it'll make it difficult for you later...

They are likely to alienate him completely if they carry on demanding and interfering. Difficult as it is, you can have both your parents and your marriage bit you need to step up.

fuckssaaaaake · 28/12/2023 08:08

Chicheguevara · 27/12/2023 22:24

Back when I had a husband and his parents were still living, I genuinely don’t think that I ever rang them to ask how they were and to shoot the breeze. That was his job. By the same token, he never rang mine either. Until I read your post, regarding your parent’s feelings, I didn’t even know that it was a requirement. Just my opinion, but I think they may have unreasonable expectations there. I’m zooming with a couple of friends just at the mo, and their hubster’s don’t call their wives parents either.

On another note; can people stop saying hubsters 🤣 it makes me want to throw up! God I'm grumpy today. I'll go and get my second coffee haha

Whenthebirdssing · 28/12/2023 08:10

Just to add to millions of PP to say me and my DH would never call our respective in-laws for a chat either. I wonder if they have certain expectations because of their rel with their own in-laws. Might be worth being curious about that and explaining that it’s not the norm and your DH is being very normal.

Toptotoe · 28/12/2023 08:10

My husband gets on really well with my elderly mother who lives alone. He will sometimes pop in for a cup of tea if he is passing on his way home from work, however, he has never rung her to check how she is. Similarly I never checked in with his parents when they were alive- he did that. I think your parents have unrealistic expectations.

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 28/12/2023 08:14

I suspect your parents are jealous of the time you spend with his parents and that his parents see their grandchild daily, simply because you live with them.

I used to feel like that as we live abroad and so only see adult DC about once a year and DIL stays with her mum most weekends if she’s not working as both DC work shifts so her mum can look after the grandchild.

Yes, it’s not rational but you can’t help feeling sad and a bit envious of the other parents, when you don’t see your own adult DC very often.

menopausalmare · 28/12/2023 08:14

I can count on one hand the number of phone calls I've made to my partners parents in 14 years. He rings his parents, I ring mine. We have family gatherings and everyone gets on. Your parents have odd expectations.

Pipsquiggle · 28/12/2023 08:17

My DH has rung my DPs twice, after the birth of my DC. That's it.

He will say hi to them if I am on the phone to them already, but will just say 'hi'

Your DPs expectations are U

User1789 · 28/12/2023 08:19

You aren't stuck in the middle though. You are refusing to help your parents develop realistic expectations of the relationship.

Brefugee · 28/12/2023 08:20

I've been married for 40 years. The only time my DH has ever had contact with my parents without me was when they contacted him about getting me a present that they weren't sure was the right one.

And they love him and he loves them. I really don't think it is A Thing, OP and your parents' expectations seem odd.

agentcooperinthewhitelodge · 28/12/2023 08:21

I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things

What? you would seriously end your relationship because your parents are pissed that he doesn't ring them for a chat? Surely, this can't be serious

daisychain01 · 28/12/2023 08:27

I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do.

You want to end the relationship with your husband, the father of your child, because he won't ring you mum for a chat? Really??

I have concerns about this thread.

CormorantStrikesBack · 28/12/2023 08:32

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:55

I think I need to add that we live with his mother currently waiting to move out soon. I do not know if that maybe is a reason which could make them like this and ott.

Still no reason why he would need to ring them.

my dh never rang my parents, I’ve never rung his. My dad never rang his in laws, my mum never rang hers.

its a very odd expectation and makes me thing they just don’t like him and are looking for excuses to have a pop at him. You shouldn’t be stuck in the middle, you should be firmly on your husbands side and tell your parents they are being ridiculous

C152 · 28/12/2023 08:41

Your parents have very unreasonable expectations. Why on earth would they expect their son in law to ring them for a chat? He's not their mate. It's your job to keep in touch with your parents. You are also not in the middle of anything at all and I don't understand why you feel you are. Do you know other people whose parents have similar expectations? Just politely explain your husband values and respects them as your parents, but their expectations are unreasonable and he will not be calling them for chats. Explain this does not mean he dislikes them or does not care, but it is not the way most people experience the PIL relationship. Then don't engage with the conversation further. Each time they bring it up, say the position hasn't changed, and change the topic or, if needs be, tell them their constant harping upsets you and request they not bring the matter up again.

Mumsfishnets · 28/12/2023 08:42

I consider my dh to have a good relationship with my parents because they make an effort when I put them together but they never independently communicate with each other. Your parents expectations are very high.

I also think it's incredibly selfish of them to undermine your relationship, even more so with a child involved. Unless you ask for help or advice, parents are meant to support you. I think you need higher expectations of them!

Swipe left for the next trending thread