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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
Mumsfishnets · 28/12/2023 08:46

Just read your second post. Definitely sounds like jealousy of your inlaws who have their only child and grandchild under their roof. I'm sure it will improve when you leave.

giraffetrousers · 28/12/2023 08:54

You are not "in the middle" at all- you are choosing not to set appropriate boundaries with your parents- that's all on you.

You sound scared of talking to your parents and telling them they are being wholly unreasonable for expecting weekly chats initiated by your H. Noone in this thread thinks that is reasonable or even normal. Your parents are acting unreasonably (probably due to jealousy) and you need to set them straight. That's not being in the middle, that's telling someone that their expectations are completely out of whack.

Codlingmoths · 28/12/2023 08:55

I don’t call my mil and ask how she is- that’s dhs job. You would be making a huge mistake leaving your husband because he won’t phone your parents and chat. Maybe you need to explain to your parents you need a bit more space, and no your dh isn’t going to call and chat as frankly that would be unusual. Then ignore. Block for a few hours if you have to.

Slavica · 28/12/2023 08:58

I am an only child and very close to my parents. I call them every day. My husband has never called them, nor have I called his parents. I'll give him the phone to say hello on special occasions or when there is something to discuss, he'll do the same for me. I think your parents are very strange and are doing a good job of making your life difficult.

PickledPurplePickle · 28/12/2023 09:01

This is really strange. My H has never called my parents in 25 years for a chat, and I haven't called his either

Somepeoplearesnippy · 28/12/2023 09:04

Your parents are being very unreasonable expecting this from your husband. I've been married nearly 40 years and I never rang my much loved and now deceased in-laws for a chat. Nor has my husband rung mine. We don't contacts one another's siblings either.

If you had brothers or sisters you could chat to one another about this, roll your eyes at your parents behaviour and back one another up. As this support isn't available you need to set the boundaries yourself. It doesn't need to be a huge row. Just tell them it's not the done thing in his family and repeat as often as necessary.

TheWanderingWoman · 28/12/2023 09:09

I've been married 10 years and my DH doesn't call my parents and I don't call his either, we might send the odd text but that's about it.

I imagine your DH is busy working and raising a young family and he probably doesn't want to be pressured into calling your parents just to make small talk.

It sounds like your parents are too involved and want to control you and him too. If they were really bothered about speaking to him more often then they could call him but tbh it sounds like they are being OTT.

Westwindworries · 28/12/2023 09:14

DH has an excellent relationship with my parents, he and my parents are genuinely fond of each other.

DH phones my parents once a year, to say thank you for his birthday card / cheque.

He phoned them from the hospital to tell them after I'd given birth to the DCs.

And, in 20 years of marriage, that's it.

He'll chat briefly if they phone to speak to me, before handing the phone over, or a longer chat if they phone me but I'm out. It would not occur to him to phone them for a chat.

Topseyt123 · 28/12/2023 09:17

Westwindworries · 28/12/2023 09:14

DH has an excellent relationship with my parents, he and my parents are genuinely fond of each other.

DH phones my parents once a year, to say thank you for his birthday card / cheque.

He phoned them from the hospital to tell them after I'd given birth to the DCs.

And, in 20 years of marriage, that's it.

He'll chat briefly if they phone to speak to me, before handing the phone over, or a longer chat if they phone me but I'm out. It would not occur to him to phone them for a chat.

That's pretty much exactly the same as it is here.

There is no expectation of it being any other way.

AnneValentine · 28/12/2023 09:17

Your parents are the issue. I’ve never called my in laws as described and my h has never called mine. Why would he!?

HaddawayAndShite · 28/12/2023 09:19

I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents

I do not know if that maybe is a reason which could make them like this and ott.

You can’t be that close if you’re not able to ask them. Try talking to them would be the first logical thing to do.

Saharafordessert · 28/12/2023 09:20

Why on earth would he ring them just to pass the time of day?
They sound very controlling and you really need to be on DHs team here. The fact that you’re an only child is completely irrelevant…. I feel sorry for your DH.

Andthereyougo · 28/12/2023 09:30

That’s sounds very odd to me too.
I’d find it seriously weird if my son in law called me for a chat.
He’s married to my dd, father of dgc, I didn’t adopt him.

Daisy75 · 28/12/2023 09:34

Well, I must be very odd as I speak to my mother in law every day. If not by phone by text. My DH regularly WA my dad - mainly about sport.

My DH brother and I regularly text, either privately (about their parents/the children) or within a group of the three of us.

That said, my Sil is not in this WA group and NEVER calls our MIL. Even when MIL had a fall and broke her hip did she call to see how she was….

user1492757084 · 28/12/2023 09:37

Husband has great relationship with parents and phones them on their birthday or if he is driving past and wishes to call in or if their football team had a huge win. It is a friendship; they love each other and will always ask how each other is.

It started with visiting them together each fortnight or at least each month and having each other over for family occasions.

Ensure that your husband accompanies you to visit your parents a reasonable number of times per year. Have them over for tea and play cards once the kids are in bed.

Do you ask after his parents? Ever phone them etc?
Lead by example. A respectful relationship with your inlaws is valuable and worth having.

I can see why your parents are unhappy that their SIL is ghosting them.

LondonJax · 28/12/2023 09:39

Another one whose DH rang my mum maybe half a dozen times in the years he knew her. Same for me. I may have called my MIL myself a few times at most. Most of the time it was a quick 'Hi MIL how are you' when the other had called their own mum.

We have an only child and I can't imagine wanting telephone conversations with our child's partner when they're older. It'd be nice to have but it wouldn't make me or DH get stroppy if they didn't.

And what's this business about 'we have a child now so I can't just end things'. Why would you even think about ending things if this is the only thing the man is doing 'wrong' (in your parents eyes). Unless there is something else going on that your parents see and you've not mentioned, you need to stand up to them. Your parents do not rule your marriage (unless something awful is happening and they are truly worried about you or the grandchildren).

Achoo2 · 28/12/2023 09:40

This is not a normal request for a son-in-law. They sound very controlling and insecure.

Howbizzare22 · 28/12/2023 09:40

Your parents are unreasonable here OP why would your DH call them regularly? It’s not typical. I wonder if there’s a bit of jealousy of DH too as they’re used to being close to you given your lifelong closeness/being only child and maybe they feel left out? Totally unreasonable though still. I would have a word with them to tell them it’s not a normal expectation maybe say DH is just not that sociable with family it’s not personal. Jees.

Emotionalsupportviper · 28/12/2023 09:44

RJnomore1 · 27/12/2023 22:19

I’ve been married 25 years and I don’t think my husband has once phoned my parents to ask how they are - why on earth would he?

This!

Why should he call them as a regular catch-up? Surely you do this, and he is with you at least occasionally to add to the conversation? They are your parents, after all.

They sound a bit controlling TBH.

BIossomtoes · 28/12/2023 09:45

RJnomore1 · 27/12/2023 22:19

I’ve been married 25 years and I don’t think my husband has once phoned my parents to ask how they are - why on earth would he?

Same. And my mum used to say if she’d chosen her own son in law she wouldn’t have done any better. Your parents are way out of line @Cappucino777.

My3dahliasarebloominlovely · 28/12/2023 09:46

My parents were like this about my husband - especially my undear stepmother. I protected my husband as much as I could from them and even now, years after their deaths, he has no inkling about the things she (especially) used to say about him. It would hurt him unnecessarily.

Echobelly · 28/12/2023 09:49

You need to use this thread and say to your parents 'I asked my friends and everyone said it's really not normal for people to be that actively involved with their in-laws, maybe it's different because I'm an only child, but having asked people it's definitely not an expectation that children's spouses treat in-laws like their own parents'

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/12/2023 09:49

How odd of your parents to expect your dh to ring them! My dh got on very well with my parents but IIRC the only times he phoned them was just after I’d had our babies, in the days before mobiles.
You need to explain to your parents that except in very special cases/emergencies, it’s the child of the parents who rings them, not the in-law.

Purplewarrior · 28/12/2023 09:50

Your parents sound insane.

Tell us more about these changes your DH has already been bullied into making…

starfishmummy · 28/12/2023 09:55

I think your parents are expecting too much. Obviously I do see and interact with my in laws and there's an occasional call but mostly dh calls his family and I call mine.