Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
fromhellsheartistabatthee · 28/12/2023 06:54

Why do you need your parents' approval?

ineedsun · 28/12/2023 06:55

For once, this isn’t a DH issue. You need to be clear with your parents that their expectations are not only unreasonable but a bit odd.

You also need to have a word with yourself that you are considering ending your marriage because of your parents demanding behaviour.

Your poor husband and child.

Justia · 28/12/2023 06:55

This is ludicrous.

Most people do not phone or see their in-laws/DH family socially.

They see/speak to them at key times like Christmas, Easter and birthdays.

There may be contact over DC childcare arrangements, though usually this is handled by DH.

If they are really ill or had a major issue you would call or see them.

But that’s all.

This expectation that your husband act like an additional child towards your parents is unreasonable.

YouRatBastard · 28/12/2023 07:03

In 25 years of marriage, the only time DH has phoned DM has been to say something like, ‘I will be around at X time to fix that fence panel, do you need anything picking up on the way?’
I have never phoned PIL for a chat.

Brandyginger · 28/12/2023 07:04

I don’t call my parents in law unless it’s for a specific pragmatic reason (eg can you collect dc at 3 not 4). Vast majority (like 99%) of comms is from my dh as I’m always telling him they’re YOUR parents.

my dh has called my parents twice - on the occasion of the birth of each of our children.

your parents have very weird expectations and, accordingly, so do you.

your mother in law living with you has nothing to do with it.

ShippingNews · 28/12/2023 07:22

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 23:14

This is a reverse, isn’t it? Because wives are absolutely expected to call the inlaws.

Never ! I've been married to DH for 35 years and have never rung either of his parents for any reason - why would I ? They are not my parents ! And he has rung my parents twice - to tell them when our two children were born.

It's not a generational thing either - my DC are in their 30's and neither of their spouses have ever rung to find out how I am . I get along fine with them but don't expect check-in calls !

Mikimoto · 28/12/2023 07:24

It sounds like it's your parents you need to change, not DH - god knows what sort of snidy comments the poor guy has been subject to over the years!

tiv2020 · 28/12/2023 07:29

Forget your parents, how does he treat you?
Are you and your child a priority in his life?
Does he actively participate in family life? Does he value and respect you? Is he affectionate?

If the answer to the above is yes then its clear you have a parents problem.

Rocknrollstar · 28/12/2023 07:30

Been married a very long time. DH never phoned his own parents, let alone mine. Until they moved to live round the corner I used to say I could divorce him and they wouldn’t know.

disappearingfish · 28/12/2023 07:33

Two possibilities: your husband is an arsehole and your parents have a genuine reason to dislike him or your parents are overbearing and unable to handle you living an adult life, independent life.

Step5678 · 28/12/2023 07:34

Please don't end your marriage over this! Your parents are in the wrong with unreasonable expectations of him contacting them and you need to tell them this.

They seem to be having trouble sharing you and want to know they are an important part of your relationship, but the relationship is just two people, you and your husband. Please nip this in the bud or they will cause too much pressure on your marriage.

You mention they have other concerns about him, what are they? And do YOU have any concerns about your husband?

Usernumber3736372836373 · 28/12/2023 07:36

I have never rang my in laws for a chat in 11 years so I think your parents have unrealistic expectations.

AgentJohnson · 28/12/2023 07:36

It appears the level of ‘closeness’ you have with your parents might be the issue. Now you are married they are expecting a similar level of ‘closeness’ from your DH. Living with your H’s parents might have triggered jealousy or a loss of control on their part, however this is their problem, not yours and certainly not your H’s.

I think you’ll probably need some professional support to unpick the dynamic between you and your parents. It appears the ‘closeness’ as you call it is unhealthy if it gives them license to control and make demands of you. Your H not doing what your parents demand is a very healthy boundary which hopefully in time you will learn to have for yourself.

I understand the relationship you have with your parents is all you have ever known but you aren’t a child and they can not expect the same level of control that they had when you were. Please, please, please for the sake of your mh, your marriage and your child, seek professional support.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 28/12/2023 07:39

You have a parent problem @Cappucino777 and not a dh problem.

My DH is closer to my parents than his own. We've been together the best part of 30 years and he's rung them himself maybe a dozen times. Usually something about me or the kids or asking to stay (we don't live nearby and sometimes he works over their way). He speaks to them when I call them, but not every time.They love him and consider this perfectly normal.

Unless dh is preventing you from having a relationship with your parents, he isn't the issue here.

raindropsonatinroof · 28/12/2023 07:43

RJnomore1 · 27/12/2023 22:19

I’ve been married 25 years and I don’t think my husband has once phoned my parents to ask how they are - why on earth would he?

This. If my H is on the phone to them I'll say hello and send my love but I have never ever rung them myself and "asked how they are"- that's just bloody weird to me. Your parents sound rather controlling tbh

Poufpastry · 28/12/2023 07:44

You say some of their comments are 'legitimate' - which comments? Expecting him to ring them for a chat is strange and unreasonable and you need to just tell them that. Then tell them to put a sock in it or they will be seeing and hearing a lot less of you.

OldTinHat · 28/12/2023 07:47

I think it's a man thing. I don't mean that in a horrible way or sexist way.

My DS never replies to texts or calls, but DIL always does. My DF never contacts me but my DM does. I never hear from my Dnephews but do from DNs. DSis is always in touch but BIL? Never!

mangochops · 28/12/2023 07:47

Ah- they sound jealous that your DH's mum lives with you. They are probably used to having all your attention and now can't handle the fact that they have competition. I don't know of anyone who rings their in laws to chat- that's not a usual or expected thing for anyone to do. As you can see from this thread, it's not something anyone does. Your parents are being very unreasonable here

BelindaOkra · 28/12/2023 07:50

I’m an only child and your parents are being ridiculous, picking fights and sound controlling. Time to cut the apron strings if they won’t. In our case it was my husband who had to cut apron strings with his mother (his dad was fine), but you have a husband and child now and your parents need to respect that.

PieAndLattes · 28/12/2023 07:50

Your parents sound very controlling and your DH does not have to comply with their frankly ridiculous demands. Do they control other areas of your life?

firsttimemum1212 · 28/12/2023 07:51

Poor DH

Wishimaywishimight · 28/12/2023 07:51

What a bizarre expectation! I am married almost 20 years and have never phoned my (very lovely) inlaws, nor has DH ever phoned my folks.

You, and your parents, are in the wrong here.

Unicornsunited123 · 28/12/2023 07:55

I would say as u r not aware that husbands do not ring their in laws for just a chat , makes me think your parents boundaries and general expectations are off and this is rip of iceberg. So I would maybe get some therapy to navigate what is appropriate , which will in turn help with your marriage. As I assume (I maybe wrong) your parents are very involved in your life and quite intense and as ur an only child it what u expect but not nessasery appropriate. And u will need support to navigate that!

rickyrickygrimes · 28/12/2023 07:55

I like my in-laws very much, and DH gets on very well with my parents, he shares a career with my mum and lots of hobbies / interests with my dad. But we’ve only ever phoned each others parents when there are e.g. practical attachments to be made.

it sounds to me like your parents expectations are out of whack. Do they expect him to be as devoted to them as you clearly are? Tbh it sounds as if they are perhaps overly focused on you and keeping you very present in their lives - and them in yours. How often do you speak to them? Or see them? Are they jealous of your DH or your MIL (because you are living with her)?

AuntiesDimSumBun · 28/12/2023 07:56

I do call my MIL but I do know that’s quite unusual, both my parents are dead now and DH never called them.

It sounds like your DH has done nothing wrong at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread