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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 28/12/2023 02:27

I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life [...] I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things.

This is frankly terrifying. OP I suggest you go back to mummy and daddy and allow your DH to find someone who will prioritise him, have his back and stand up for him. He deserves that and he sure as hell isn't getting it from you.

miniatureroses · 28/12/2023 02:34

Just another to say your parents' expectations are weird. My DH would call my parents if necessary (to notify them of a birth, if I was in hospital, or if I asked him to for a purpose). He'd never call for a chitchat.

My son-in-law would also not phone me for a chitchat. I'd find it strange if he did. I communicate with my daughter and see him when I visit. I text him happy birthday on his birthday. He called me once to let me know how my DD was after a surgery. I've called him directly once in an emergency. Yet I think we have a nice relationship and I think he's a wonderful son in law and great husband to my DD.

DoWaDiddyDiddy · 28/12/2023 03:14

Perhaps they thought they were getting 'the son they never had' when you married and have high expectations? (I haven't read all the other posts, just OP posts, so this has prob been already asked.)

PumpkinPieAlibi · 28/12/2023 03:20

This is (and I hate the misusage of this word but I truly believe it applies here) narcissistic parenting.

Your parents have had such control over your life and their place in it for so long that they are unable to accept that they do not come first anymore.

And they truly don't OP. Your loyalty should be to your husband and your little family.

Midnightgrey · 28/12/2023 03:30

My husband liked my parents. I think, over decades, he may have telephoned my mother a handful of times about travel arrangements. Incidentally, I was an only child.

I have two sons. I understand that when they get married they will put their wives first. Obviously, they will still love me but their primary loyalty will be to their partners. Even the Bible, and I'm not religious, talks about cleaving to your spouse (well I think it says husband). So I think your parents are trying to buck 2000 years of tradition.

I am amazed your husband puts up with their rather mad behaviour and criticism. Lots of posters here can tell you about how hard solo parenting can be so I would be very firmly putting my parents in their place, behind your husband.

Topseyt123 · 28/12/2023 03:43

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 23:14

This is a reverse, isn’t it? Because wives are absolutely expected to call the inlaws.

What? Of course wives are not expected to phone the in-laws! I never did and nor did anyone else I know.

OP, I've been married for over 30 years now. My DH has never once phoned my parents to just randomly chat and ask how they are. Nor would I expect him to as that's my job.

Similarly, I never just randomly phoned his either. That was his job.

Your parents have unusual and frankly strange expectations! If I were you I'd be telling them to bugger off.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2023 03:47

This sounds like a co dependent relationship and not normal at all. How do you feel knowing this op?

Ambi · 28/12/2023 04:04

I agree with the thread, your DPs have a bizarre outlook that their son in law would call them up to see how they are doing. Way too overfamiliar.
It sounds like they had hoped they were gaining a son when you married. IL relationships can take many forms I suppose but it should be a mutual thing not an imposed demand.

EarlGreywithLemon · 28/12/2023 04:16

I’m an only child. I’ve never ever phoned my in laws and my husband doesn’t phone my parents. We all get on very well!

And I’d never even dream of leaving my husband just because my parents disapprove of him! What matters is that I’m happy with him and he’s a good man. If my parents tried to interfere (they wouldn’t) they’d get very short shrift from me.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 28/12/2023 04:27

I have only rung my in-laws a couple of times and it has always been to ask a question and not to see how they are. My husband doesn’t call my parents.
it is not a normal expectation on your parents part so you need to sort this out and not let your husband come off badly here. Could you have a WhatsApp group with both parties in, would that solve it?

Twiglets1 · 28/12/2023 04:27

I’ve never phoned my in laws to ask how they are & my husband has never phoned my parents to ask how they are.

You have a parent problem. Their expectations are unrealistic.

ohdamnitjanet · 28/12/2023 04:28

Your parents are nuts, he’s not their kid. And if you regularly phone his parents to ask how they are, that’s nuts too.

Geppili · 28/12/2023 04:29

Enmeshment.

Timeforsnacks · 28/12/2023 04:29

This is weird. I feel sorry for DH. Every man I know barely calls his own mother unless he wants something. It's strange they genuinely expect him to call for a chat. Even if they are incredibly old fashioned it's just not really done. It sounds like they're jealous and think he has taken you from them!

Thepossibility · 28/12/2023 04:35

If your marriage is otherwise good then you need to tell your parents to butt out. As long as he's civil to them it's fine. This behaviour from them is hardly encouraging a loving response from him is it? I'd shut them off completely if I was him.
I wouldn't tolerate demands of attention from my own parents!

Holly60 · 28/12/2023 04:38

Ok so I'm one who does call MIL as she is nice to catch up with and I enjoy chatting on the phone.

But no my DH has never ever called my parents just for a chat.

LinnieM · 28/12/2023 04:39

So because you live with your in law, they expect him to call his in laws for a random chat and to see how they’re doing? I doubt you living with your in law has anything to do with it and is just unnecessary information. It seems that you have a close relationship with your parents and for some reason they expect your husband to have a similar relationship. It’s very strange.

I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do.

Why are you talking about ending things? You and your parents seem quite out of touch (in the nicest way possible)

OkImListening · 28/12/2023 04:44

DamsonDress · 27/12/2023 23:28

Op, Are you shocked that all the posters are saying your parents are out of order and your husband has done nothing wrong? Is it helping you see the situation differently at all?

⬆️ this. Your parents are being very unreasonable - and so are you if you don't stand up to them on behalf of your husband, OP.

Ambi · 28/12/2023 04:46

Is this a reverse?

miniatureroses · 28/12/2023 04:57

I feel sorry for your DH and can't believe you would thinking of ending things with him because he's not serving your parents as they would like. You need to stand up for your DH. Your parents are way out of line. If you're thinking of leaving him for someone who will phone your parents for regular chitchats, your dating pool will be very small indeed. If you left your DH over this, I think it would be a win for him rather than the other way around. I can't imagine putting my child's marriage and happiness at risk because of my demands of their time. Horrifying idea.

Redpaisley · 28/12/2023 05:03

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

You would end your marriage because your parents don't approve of your husband?

Are you 5 years old? Is pleasing your parents purpose of your existence? You need to be a bit more mature, you have a child to raise.

Onceuponaheartache · 28/12/2023 05:34

Sorry @Cappucino777 but you sound very immature and nieve.

They are your parents. Not his. He has no reason to be calling them for a chat or to see how they are. That is your job.

Your job is also to defend your dh against ridiculous accusations from frankly batshit people.

Stand up to your parents. Tell them their expectations are ridiculous and for the love of God put some distance between you and them til they learn to respect your dh.

I had a very close relationship with my ex's parents and did a lot of fil's care before it became too much and we needed professionals however prior to him becoming ill I would only call to arrange to visit with dd when she was tiny.

My current inlaws are lovely and I will respond to messages anf we are all friendly, but ultimately is dp's job to uphold a relationship not mine!

Ex speaks to my parents if he needs help with childcare but dp wouldn't ever just call them up for a chat (other than when he asked permission to ask me to marry him).

YireosDodeAver · 28/12/2023 05:58

Your parents are being totally unreasonable. My dh never phones my parents, why on earth would he? If they phone the house he's polite but passes the phone to me asap because they are my parents not his. He has his own to phone and I don't have much chitchat with them either.

When two people get narried they leave their parents household and are parr of a new family. Obviously you remain fond of your parents but your chief loyalty is to you dh and child (unless you accidentally married an actual abuser obviously). Your parents seem to be finding it tough to let you go and think they have "gained a son" as the saying goes, but want that son to play the role of non-golden-child who must always put in 150% effort in order to be tolerated. Sod that.

Focus on your fanily life with DH and DC. Encourage your parents to get out more and take up some hobbies so they have less time to brood about how inadequate other people are at entertaining them.

TerfTalking · 28/12/2023 05:58

baubl · 27/12/2023 22:24

I've been married 30 years and my husband has never called my parents. He would ask me how they are if he knows I've spoken to them but never randomly rings them.

Exactly same here!

Pigeon31 · 28/12/2023 06:07

OP, if you love your DH and he's a good dad then you need to stand up to your parents and defend him, and not let them get away with dissing him when they are talking to you.

If you are not willing to do that, then you've made your priorities clear and they're not fair to him.

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