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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cappucino777 · 28/12/2023 12:35

We are due to travel all together soon as well, so you can appreciate how untimely this all is. My parents are now saying how can he just turn up to the airport with us when he does not ever talk to us. I suffer from an issue which is I seek my parents approval in everything I do because I see it as I only have them, no siblings etc to turn to or have someone else to take the pressure off.

When I gave birth it all kicked off between my DH and mom she was staying to look after me during that time. Me and DH had an argument and my mum did not like the way he spoke to me so she defended me and it got really nasty and my DH told my mum I think its best for you to leave. Deep down I think my mum has never let that go since it happened. Me and my DH come from different cultures, my parents are finding their way of life hard to stomach and in a way take it out on me. I feel no joy or satisfaction in my life since my son was born, that was when all the rubbish between my parents and him started. Yes my husband does have bad points about him but so do we all, I am willing to stick with him and help him change some of his ways. For example, I come from a religious family but he is not although he admits he needs to sort this out, this also creates tension. There are so many things they ard not happy about and I feel like such a dissappoinment.

OP posts:
JANEY205 · 28/12/2023 12:39

I think you should be more disappointed in how you’re treating your poor husband!

Guessing your mother got involved and massively overstepped which is why she was asked to leave your husbands OWN HOME.

It’s insane you let your family treat your partner like this and it will end up ruining your relationship, but then you can be all back with Mummy and Daddy again which is probably what they want.

This is not acceptable for you to be doing and you should be prioritizing your husband and son! Your husband has been very accommodating to you. And no he doesn’t need to sort out anything religion wise if he isn’t religious. Why don’t you stop believing if it’s that easy? He does not have to change for your overbearing parents. I hope he refuses to travel with them, they sound awful!

JANEY205 · 28/12/2023 12:40

Google enmeshment! The problem here is you and your parents. Wtf do they mean how can he turn up at the airport? Quite easily! You are their child, what on earth does he need to ring them for?! No no no.

Hercisback · 28/12/2023 12:41

You and your parents relationship is the problem here. You still view them as your real family and DH as almost there but not quite.

Give your DH a break. He's been excellent and stuck up for you and himself in his own home. Whereas you hold him to ridiculous standards because of your parents.

zingally · 28/12/2023 12:42

I've been married for 11 years, and can honestly say, the number of times I've phoned my DHs parents for a check-in style chat must be pretty close to zero!

Hercisback · 28/12/2023 12:42

I am willing to stick with him and help him change some of his ways

Why does he have to change?

CateringPanic · 28/12/2023 12:42

@Cappucino777 this is important context.

Your family are religious and by the sounds of it from a different culture to your DH. This will impact on the expectations that parents have of sons in law. Your mum being around after you gave birth also sounds cultural, i can imagine your husband may have felt as though his space was being invaded.

There needs to be some strong communication here - your parents need to understand that they cannot push their cultural expectations onto your DH. Your DH needs to understand that because of cultural difference, there may be some disagreement from time to time. A big clearing of the air conversation is what is needed here.

user1473878824 · 28/12/2023 12:44

Why are you ignoring everyone saying your parents are the problem here?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2023 12:44

I am willing to stick with him and help him change some of his ways.

How patronising! And are you going to let him change some of your ways?

For example, I come from a religious family but he is not although he admits he needs to sort this out.

Sort what out? The fact that he's not religious?! Sorry, but you and your parents seem to have some very weird, unreasonable ideas about things

Original poster
Cappucino777 · 28/12/2023 12:45

I get from most of you that my parents are being unreasonable in what they're thinking. I have a hard time telling them they are wrong or I disagree etc. Unfortunately, I tend to find it easier to just get my husband to do what will make things calm even if it means we argue. In my head it is easier to argue with him than it is my parents.

I do my best with them, I speak to them twice a day if not three times. I go to stay for a few days when I can. This month for example I have been every week so far. Yet this is still not enough. They made a comment about my husband not asking me to pass the phone when I am visiting them and on a vid call to see his son. But sometimes they do talk I do put the call onto them etc I just do not keep a tally of how often I do because that is just ridiculous.

My mum also has a bad habit of bringing up things that have happened in the past. Oh he said this and he said that and he done this and that. She does not let things go. Now she too has an issue with my MIL who used to call her weekly before we got married to hurry things up due the engagement period but now we are married she does not ring mum or reach out which drives my mum insane. She is more sensitive about this because I live with my MIL I think.

OP posts:
Sommerled · 28/12/2023 12:47

Good grief your poor husband. Why do you need to speak to your parents several times a day?

Hbosh · 28/12/2023 12:48

Cappucino777 · 28/12/2023 12:45

I get from most of you that my parents are being unreasonable in what they're thinking. I have a hard time telling them they are wrong or I disagree etc. Unfortunately, I tend to find it easier to just get my husband to do what will make things calm even if it means we argue. In my head it is easier to argue with him than it is my parents.

I do my best with them, I speak to them twice a day if not three times. I go to stay for a few days when I can. This month for example I have been every week so far. Yet this is still not enough. They made a comment about my husband not asking me to pass the phone when I am visiting them and on a vid call to see his son. But sometimes they do talk I do put the call onto them etc I just do not keep a tally of how often I do because that is just ridiculous.

My mum also has a bad habit of bringing up things that have happened in the past. Oh he said this and he said that and he done this and that. She does not let things go. Now she too has an issue with my MIL who used to call her weekly before we got married to hurry things up due the engagement period but now we are married she does not ring mum or reach out which drives my mum insane. She is more sensitive about this because I live with my MIL I think.

You have a very unhealthy relationship with your parents, OP.
And the harsh truth is, it's going to cost you your marriage and lead to your son growing up in a broken home.

Your family is the one you have built with your husband and son. Your parents are now extended family, whose needs should not be considered when deciding how to live your life.
I suggest you get individual counseling to help you set some boundaries with your parents, but also couples counseling to fix your marriage before you lose it over your own messed up priorities.

Dontbeme · 28/12/2023 12:48

Unfortunately, I tend to find it easier to just get my husband to do what will make things calm even if it means we argue. In my head it is easier to argue with him than it is my parents.

Why did you marry him? Seriously, you have not one kind thing to say about him, you say you will commit to staying to "improve" all his faults, so why did you marry him if he is so awful? I don't think anyone will be good enough for your parents sadly, and your marriage will end over that.

Purplewarrior · 28/12/2023 12:48

I feel very sorry for your DH.

If you continue to put your parents before him he would be totally justified in leaving you.

TeapotCollection · 28/12/2023 12:49

Your poor husband

Why does he need to “sort out” that he’s not religious? I’m not and I wouldn’t change that for anyone

I really do feel sorry for the poor man

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2023 12:49

So basically you are grudgingly willing to stick with your husband as long as he lets you mould him to your parents' bizarre idea of what a son-in-law should be like, because you are too cowardly to even speak up for him or to let him be himself, even though you presumably love(d) him as he is, at least enough to marry him and have a child with him? That is no basis for a marriage.

AngelontopoftheTree · 28/12/2023 12:49

I am willing to stick with him and help him change some of his ways. For example, I come from a religious family but he is not although he admits he needs to sort this out, this also creates tension

WTAF?????
This gets worse and worse!
You are completely ignoring everything every other poster on this thread is saying, that your parents expectations are weird - and now this....
You want him to change and expect him to sort out his religious beliefs.
Why on Earth did you marry this poor man? God love him!

HelpMeGetThrough · 28/12/2023 12:50

I have never phoned my in laws in over 28 years and haven't seen them or had a conversation with them in his knows how long. I've no need or desire to.

They aren't my parents and have no impact on my life.

You are heading for a lonely life if you prioritise them over your husband. They are a long time dead and then who will you have.

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/12/2023 12:51

Cappucino777 · 28/12/2023 12:45

I get from most of you that my parents are being unreasonable in what they're thinking. I have a hard time telling them they are wrong or I disagree etc. Unfortunately, I tend to find it easier to just get my husband to do what will make things calm even if it means we argue. In my head it is easier to argue with him than it is my parents.

I do my best with them, I speak to them twice a day if not three times. I go to stay for a few days when I can. This month for example I have been every week so far. Yet this is still not enough. They made a comment about my husband not asking me to pass the phone when I am visiting them and on a vid call to see his son. But sometimes they do talk I do put the call onto them etc I just do not keep a tally of how often I do because that is just ridiculous.

My mum also has a bad habit of bringing up things that have happened in the past. Oh he said this and he said that and he done this and that. She does not let things go. Now she too has an issue with my MIL who used to call her weekly before we got married to hurry things up due the engagement period but now we are married she does not ring mum or reach out which drives my mum insane. She is more sensitive about this because I live with my MIL I think.

No, to all of this!!!! making your husband do what your parents want because you cant stand up to your parents is beyond ridiculous, and so unfair. if you wish to save your marriage then stop treating your husband this way immediately, if not, and your parents are more important, leave your husband as he deserves better than to be treated this way, by both you and your parents.

HelpMeGetThrough · 28/12/2023 12:51

and haven't seen them or had a conversation with them in his knows how long

*god knows how long.

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/12/2023 12:52

Why on earth are you expecting your husband to "sort out" his religious views?

He's not religious, you presumably knew that before you decided to marry him so obviously didn't have a problem with it then. What's changed?

And why are you phoning your parents 3 times a day? You're a grown adult, you really need to cut the apron strings and learn to become your own person!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/12/2023 12:52

You and your parent's relationship is the problem here
You married your DH and he and your child are your family now
Why should your DH change to meet your parents approval?
Personally I think you should move out for privacy and the sake of your marriage

MadinMarch · 28/12/2023 12:52

I'm wondering if you had an arranged marriage Op?

BlackPhillipa · 28/12/2023 12:53

Your parents are absolutely the problem here. They sound like bullies.

I feel sorry for your husband.

NearlyMonday · 28/12/2023 12:53

RJnomore1 · 27/12/2023 22:19

I’ve been married 25 years and I don’t think my husband has once phoned my parents to ask how they are - why on earth would he?

Absolutely!!! Why would he?