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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
BFG2023 · 28/12/2023 10:56

Wish OP would come back and answer some questions! I'm oddly over-invested in this one 😁What bizarre expectations...

whynotwhatknot · 28/12/2023 11:01

unless hes been abusive and theyre worried about you i dont see hes done anything wrong

i dont phone my fil-hes phoned me once maybe in 25 years

Enko · 28/12/2023 11:08

This thread made me ask dh if he has either of my dad's phone numbers. He hasn't. We have been married 27 years this February..

It's never been a issue.

I did call mil whom I was close to. However to arrange to see her only in her last years did I call for a chat. I also visited weekly.

CateringPanic · 28/12/2023 11:10

Completely agree with all pp who say your parents expectations are totally bizarre.

I love my in laws and we are closer than most. I do text MIL and I might call her if there is something specific we need to talk about however she is not my mum and me constantly ringing them to chat would be very strange indeed. To be honest I don’t ring anyone just for a chat (does anyone do this anymore?)

YerArseInParsley · 28/12/2023 11:11

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

Is this for real?

Do your parents now think your DH is their son?

Why is it only now your parents have a problem?

What is it they can't stomach about him? Has he done something?

Why are you saying it's hard to leave him because yous have a child? Are you f serious?

Seriously @Cappucino777 stand up for your husband

Hbosh · 28/12/2023 11:11

Maybe we need to give OP some room to breathe...
She posted this 14 hours ago and has had almost 280 replies. Give the girl a break 😆

However, OP, we're all dying to hear your thoughts now that you've read our unanimous responses.

SiberFox · 28/12/2023 11:16

Feels like we’re only seeing a tiny part of the full picture here.

One, who in their right mind thinks of ‘ending it’ with the husband (with a child) just because of some parental disapproval, if things are OK otherwise.

Two, I struggle to believe that both parents are nutcrackers who have never heard and seen that people don’t call their in laws all the time, and would be expecting it from the son in law they seemingly disapprove of for other reasons too.

Looks like OP picked on something inconsequential and is not sharing/not getting the actual issues.

BingoMarieHeeler · 28/12/2023 11:27

😵‍💫😵‍💫 I would never call my in laws unless emergency. Do they call him?? Have they even TRIED to lead by example?

My FIL actually did ask DH to choose between him and me (and our 3 kids). OBVIOUSLY DH chose us, no question .

Bananaramad · 28/12/2023 11:27

My husband adored my Mum, he'd pop in to see her if he was passing, but he never phoned her for a chat.

WonderingWanda · 28/12/2023 11:29

Op can you elaborate on what you mean by your 'very close' relationship with your parents because from this example it strikes me that they're completely overstepping the boundaries of an adult child relationship and I wouldn't be remotely surprised if you disclosed lots of examples of controlling behaviour and enmeshment with them. And this is them trying to stop you slipping out of their control. Does your dh have any opinions on your parents? Honestly, 12 pages of posters are here to tell you that their expectations are really not normal and frankly quite ridiculous.

Hankunamatata · 28/12/2023 11:35

25 years my husband has never called inlaws for a chat, that's just odd

AngelontopoftheTree · 28/12/2023 11:38

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:55

I think I need to add that we live with his mother currently waiting to move out soon. I do not know if that maybe is a reason which could make them like this and ott.

This adds nothing 😕

I can't see any posts that think your parents are in the right @Cappucino777 - does any of this make you rethink?
I'm really worried about your attitude to your dp.

katseyes7 · 28/12/2023 11:48

Do your mum and dad ring your husband, and ask how he is?
This is really weird of them.

redastherose · 28/12/2023 11:49

Your parent are the problem here not your husband. You need to tell them to back off and anymore criticism of your husband will mean a reduction in time spent with them every single time. If they love you and want a relationship with you they have to accept that you love your husband and you are now a family.

Tohaveandtohold · 28/12/2023 11:50

My family and in-laws live abroad in different countries so we obviously have each others contact details but I don’t just call them to ask how they are, why would I? His parents will call DH or vice versa and we’ll all speak to them on the video call but I won’t just pick up my phone and call them. Yesterday was MIL’s birthday for example and I sent her a message. When DH got back from work, he called her and we all spoke to her. They are lovely people and we get on when together but I just don’t see why I’ll just be randomly calling them

littlefireseverywhere · 28/12/2023 11:51

This is a non-issue, I can’t work out why they need him to call them. I’m an only child too and I’ve been married for 25 years. DH has only called my mum when I’ve been really unwell or an accident has happened. Other than that he never does. Similarly I rarely contact his mum apart from the odd text if I found something funny or asking her how she is.

trainboundfornowhere · 28/12/2023 12:02

This is definitely odd OP. My DH texts my DF usually weekly but they support the same football team and go to every home match together. I get on very well with my mother in law but she only phones me around birthdays or Christmas to discuss presents and clothing sizes. We never call each other just to say how are you. I have never phoned DH DF and DH has never phoned my DM. I think your DP expectations of your DH are too high.

mottytotty · 28/12/2023 12:14

Your parents are being needy and controlling.

My DH had expectations that I would call my MIL weekly. I’m just not a phone person. I call my mum daily to check on her because she is elderly and disabled.

DH calls his mum daily.

This is a much better situation for both, both calling our own mums.

Have a word with your parents that their unreasonable expectations are putting pressure on your marriage and they are risking breaking up a happy home and making your child at risk of having divorced parents.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/12/2023 12:15

With all due respect they are your parents not his parents.
You are the one that they are supposed to communicate with, not him.

He is under ZERO obligation to have anything to do with them, he is married to you. He is expected to be polite to them but in all fairness, nothing more than that would be expected. Anything else from a spouse is a bonus!

Time for your parents to adjust their expectations and for you to take note that your parent's are your parents not his.

Winnading · 28/12/2023 12:21

Can you do a thread with voting enabled. Do you phone your in laws/ don't even have numbers.
I've had a few partners in my time and I've never even had their parents numbers to call.
I've been with current partner 16 years, never called his parents, dont know their numbers, or his adult childrens numbers or his siblings numbers. Wouldnt occur to me to have those numbers, wouldnt occur to me to call any of them.

I'm pleasant af if we meet, I ask about them if I'm told something, but I've no real interest in them.
Your parents sound unhealthy.

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 28/12/2023 12:26

On a side note OP If you do separate with your husband and you and your parents think that that will be the end of him you are sadly very wrong. You have a child and if he is a decent,loving father he will be very much around and involved in his childs life forever. Just another bit of perspective to consider for both you and your parents to be aware of.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 28/12/2023 12:26

Your parents need to get over themselves . They are your parents !
your poor dh , leave him alone it’s not his job to be pandering to them .

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/12/2023 12:30

I think I need to add that we live with his mother currently waiting to move out soon. I do not know if that maybe is a reason which could make them like this and ott.

So is this out of character for them then? Because it certainly sounded from your OP that your parents (and possibly you too, until you saw the responses) thought that this was a perfectly reasonable and normal expectation for parents-in-law to have.

Gymnopedie · 28/12/2023 12:32

There are a few potential reasons why, but the OP won't be coming back to the thread.

Lifeomars · 28/12/2023 12:34

A long time ago when I was married and the only phones were landlines, if my mum or dad phoned me and my husband answered the phone then he would chat with them. If I was in he would pass the phone to me. The only time he called them was when our child was born. He got on fine with them but never phoned them to ask how they were, that is just rather odd really