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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or Parents .... Head is spinning!

464 replies

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:17

Been married for a few years, I am an only child so you can appreciate the closeness of my parents and their impact in my life. So fastforward to these past few weeks my parents are getting fed up of my husbands lack of communication with them, he never calls either my mum or dad or asks how they are etc. They feel shortchanged and not really valued by him. They have made numerous comments to me about this and have argued with me huge arguments regarding this. I feel stuck in the middle, I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things. I don't know what to do. I am literally depressed and miserable about all this. They just can't seem to stomach anything about him. I truly am lost :/
Some of their comments are legitimate but he's changing some stuff about him but still this rubbish is lingering and the headache I get from my parents is getting out of hand.

OP posts:
FestiveGrinch · 28/12/2023 09:58

30 years and I’ve never called my in-laws to see how they are not has DH called my parents, why on earth would we. Do they call him regularly to ask how he is?

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2023 09:59

I’m sorry but your parents sound unhinged! I don’t think my Dh has ever phoned my parents except when I was bluelighted to hospital after an accident. Even then, I communicated with them. Why would he need to speak to them? I used to hate him passing me his mum when she wanted to speak to me and I had to say that I wouldn’t be calling her because why would I? I don’t think it’s usual in a lot of families.

AlwaysForksAndMarbles · 28/12/2023 10:00

pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 23:14

This is a reverse, isn’t it? Because wives are absolutely expected to call the inlaws.

I’m a wife. I’ve known my in laws for 25 years, very lovingly and happily, and I’ve phoned them twice in that time.

Grammarnut · 28/12/2023 10:04

My DH has never called my mother. I call her. Why do your parents expect their S-in-L to phone them? It seems a very odd expectation. You need to explain to your parents that they are causing problems with this very odd demand and risk breaking up your marriage. They need to row back on this one quickly.

perfectcolourfound · 28/12/2023 10:06

It's concerning that in your OP it sounded like, because your parents are critical of your husband, you tend to believe they must be right, or at least partially right. You didn't jump to his defense.

Your parents aren't being reasonable. You need to understand that, and that it might leech into other areas of their lives, and other comments they make to you. Don't be scared of defending your DH. Don't base your opinions of him on what your parents think. You know him much much better than they do. If you know that he's a kind, decent person, that's all you need to know. Your parents unrealistic expectations shouldn't change your opinion of him.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2023 10:07

Cappucino777 · 27/12/2023 22:55

I think I need to add that we live with his mother currently waiting to move out soon. I do not know if that maybe is a reason which could make them like this and ott.

Many men don't ring their own parents let alone their in-laws!

I assume your parents are jealous but if you are even considering leaving him because of this it seems you're way to enmeshed with your parents.

Rewis · 28/12/2023 10:07

I'll echo the others. Your parents expectations are unrealistic. I feel like a lot of times MN commentariat are too cold about in laws but this time it is true.

I know there are families where MIL and DIL are besties. But I'd say in average family spouse calls inlaws if they have something they need to talk about, not really just for fun phone calls. Its the child that calls their own parents.

ManateeFair · 28/12/2023 10:08

Your parents are weird and clingy.

I don’t know of any couple where the husband calls his PILs for social chit-chat. My own parents were of a generation and background where you see loads of your in-laws and call your spouse’s parents Mum and Dad, and they had a very easy and happy relationship with each other’s parents, but it was still my dad who called his parents and my mum who called hers.

SamPoodle123 · 28/12/2023 10:09

It is not normal for men to call the inlaws on their own for no reason. Perhaps for a birthday or christmas if they are close, but even that does not happen for most. My husband calls his parents and I call mine. If we are around when it happens we might say hello. I have never call my dh parents....perhaps once with the kids...I send them lots of photos though. My dh has called my dm perhaps once or twice a year (usually when she calls him first about something). Your parents have unrealistic expectations. Explain this to them...that you asked around and no one does this.

shockthemonkey · 28/12/2023 10:09

This is really not normal, OP.

I've been married 26 years and neither my husband nor I have called PILs to ask how they are. We speak to our own parents, and pass on anything newsworthy to our spouse.

The blazing rows over this is very strange indeed, even sinister, and as PP pointed out, why do they want to chat to him if they hate him?

MorningSunshineSparkles · 28/12/2023 10:10

Your parents are batshit

frami · 28/12/2023 10:18

I have been married nearly 37 years nand my DH has called my parents 5 times. 4 to tell them of the birth of each grandchild and once to tell them I'd been admitted to hospital seriously ill!

Sothisiit · 28/12/2023 10:23

The phone is a two way communication device, if your parents want a conversation with you husband then they can call him, rather than stew over his non-contact.
Hostility is not going to foster a good relationship between him and them. The saying "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" springs to mind.
Perhaps he finds your parents overbearing in your relationship?

Liverpool52 · 28/12/2023 10:26

My PIL expected me to be my MIL's entertainment as, through their own choices, they were living on a very remote small holding, refused to drive (she cou)d drive) and so her only friends and interests were whatever FIL was doing. They had called to tell my husband this and what a disappointment I was as a DIL because I prioritised my career over my MIL. I answered the phone though and was so shocked I just listened and hung up. After that there were many tantrums because I refused to cancel long held plans or take leave from work as and when they dictated it. They now have absolutely 0 relationship with me because I went NC about 7 years ago. Them thinking I had become their subordinate when I married their son and therefore could be told what to do has completely backfired. But they are in complete denial.

I honestly don't understand people like my PIL and the Op's parents who treat their adult children's partners as people to be ordered around rather than adults with whom they need to build a relationship, like they would with any other unrelated adult who entered their lives.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 28/12/2023 10:31

As is clear from answers above: it would be unusual for a SIL to phone PIL without particular reason. Your parents are being odd about this!

It isn't unreasonable for you yourself to be close to your parents... but perhaps not to the extent that: ' I am sick of living like this with someone my parents seem to not approve of.' Their approval of your husband would be great... but shouldn't be the most important thing.

These days, you do get to choose your partner and parents have to put up with that choice as gracefully as they can.

However, on reading your post it sounds as if your DH is a problem to you in other ways and that you yourself are unhappy being with him.
What your parents feel is not all of this.

(You suggest that your reason for staying with him is that you have a child. I'm stuck because now we have a child it is not exactly easy to just end things.)

PuddlesPityParty · 28/12/2023 10:31

I think it’s an odd expectation from your parents and from yourself.

VickyEadieofThigh · 28/12/2023 10:36

TheaBrandt · 27/12/2023 22:22

Think their expectations are weird. I don’t think I know anyone that rings their in laws up.

Indeed!

The notion that they expect the OP's DH to call them to "ask how they are" is bizarre.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 28/12/2023 10:36

Just echoing what other have said; I have only started calling my MIL (and then only every 4 or 6 weeks) since my husband / her son died 4 years ago. He called her most weeks, but I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of occassions I had a need to call her those 25 years...and one of those was the day he died :( Your parents are being completely unreasonnable, and frankly it seems unheathly to me

Bellyblueboy · 28/12/2023 10:39

If you are happy in your relationship don’t let your parents poison it with their weird expectations. It sounds like they are looking for something to offend them.

are they odd on other ways?

DeeLusional · 28/12/2023 10:39

Your parents are jealous, unreasonable and demanding. What man phones his PILs EVER, never mind regularly!

OhIlovetosew · 28/12/2023 10:39

I have three sons in law. I have a very good relationship with all of them. However none of them have ever rang me to ask how I am and tbh I’d think it odd too, my DD’s relay any information to them they deem necessary. They do however ring me if there’s family info my DD’s can’t relay to me and I do get birthday messages.

your parents are being very OTT, I suspect they are jealous of you staying with MIL.

Whatdoido1987 · 28/12/2023 10:44

My dh of 14 years has never had phone calls with my parents...that's a very strange expectation. They have spoken on the phone if they need help with something but not just random phone calls to see how they are and its even stranger that you say about ending things over it!

Maybe set up a family WhatsApp group and see if that calms them?

Olika · 28/12/2023 10:47

Your parents have weird expectations.

wronginalltherightways · 28/12/2023 10:48

This is very simple, OP: your husband does not owe your parents anything. End of. Unless you're lying in hospital and he's keeping them updated about your health status.

You are responsible for your family's relationship with your parents, not your husband.

MerryBlueberry · 28/12/2023 10:55

@Cappucino777 i think the only time my DH has ever phoned my parents is to update them if I’m in hospital post surgery/birth. He’s never phoned them, why would he?

I don’t think you can see how enmeshed and controlling your parents are. You’re an adult, do what you want. If your DH is decent ignore them. Unless it’s something like they are genuinely concerned about domestic absurde. But only you can answer that. Maybe okay some of the concerns/things he is working on and ask for advice

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