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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got a feeling he’s going to end things…am I being crazy?

231 replies

ColdAsIcepoles · 25/12/2023 20:04

I’ve been seeing someone for eight months and thought it was going well. A few days ago we went to an adult panto together and he met my friends and family and I his. It was lovely. We are both 29. He even made a joke about our wedding day when we were at panto which is why I’m now confused/

We usually message throughout the day on WhatsApp. It’s how we communicate the most. I last saw him on the 23rd in person and he hasn’t replied since then but has been on WhatsApp loads. I’ve sent him Merry Christmas today and had zero reply but he’s been on instagram posting his Christmas and has been on WhatsApp a lot. (I stupidly keep checking if he’s replied and it’s always he was online 20 mins ago for example)

I know I’m going to sound a psycho but I have a gut feeling he might be messaging someone else. I don’t know why even, there’s zero evidence of this- it’s just the past week or so, he’s been on WhatsApp a lot especially in the early mornings when he didn’t use to. I know I sound crazy.

I even messaged him earlier and said “Did you like the present I got you?” And nothing. I’m not going to message again, but it’s making me feel a little down! I don’t expect him to drop his festivities to pander to me of course- just a reply would be nice😂

OP posts:
Original poster
ColdAsIcepoles · 29/12/2023 20:32

The reason I didn’t and haven’t called is I didn’t think he would answer tbh. If he wasn’t already responding to me messages and suddenly stopped, I didn’t want to look crazy by ringing.

He had seen my messages and read them, chose not to reply. He was also posting a lot on instagram etc so I knew he was alive and enjoying himself I wasn’t worried for his welfare. Alternatively, he didn’t know I was ok. I don’t really post on social media so he would have zero idea if I was alright but didn’t bother to check.

It is weird as there hasn’t been an official breakup- we haven’t even spoken to break up- but he’s made it pretty clear he isn’t interested in communicating with me and it seems likely he’s met someone else.

My mum thinks that he probably had his head turned by someone else before Christmas- then meeting my family was the ultimate panic and then now he’s ghosted as he’s a coward.

OP posts:
DojaPhat · 29/12/2023 20:32

@CandyLeBonBon Same. Especially wrt the push/pull dynamic and never feeling like I was walking on solid ground after the first few times it'd been randomly pulled from under my feet. I couldn't imagine ever treating someone in that way - though I have / came to understand more about that type of dynamic - I still wonder but why?? Was it worth it!

Original poster
ColdAsIcepoles · 29/12/2023 20:36

also, my last relationship ended (few years ago now) really badly with a lot of arguments over the phone and I sort of don’t have the energy for it. I’ve also been feeling slightly embarrassed and awkward even though I wasn’t before this all happened.

I’m also sure that he will probably turn it on me somehow even though I have zero idea (genuinely) what I could have done. The silence feels like a really big fuck you somehow rather than going crazy and he’s blocked now.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 20:42

Sorry but seems bizarre to me to end it without even speaking on the phone. If you've blocked him you'll never even know the reason why and will always wonder.

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 20:56

ColdAsIcepoles · 29/12/2023 20:32

The reason I didn’t and haven’t called is I didn’t think he would answer tbh. If he wasn’t already responding to me messages and suddenly stopped, I didn’t want to look crazy by ringing.

He had seen my messages and read them, chose not to reply. He was also posting a lot on instagram etc so I knew he was alive and enjoying himself I wasn’t worried for his welfare. Alternatively, he didn’t know I was ok. I don’t really post on social media so he would have zero idea if I was alright but didn’t bother to check.

It is weird as there hasn’t been an official breakup- we haven’t even spoken to break up- but he’s made it pretty clear he isn’t interested in communicating with me and it seems likely he’s met someone else.

My mum thinks that he probably had his head turned by someone else before Christmas- then meeting my family was the ultimate panic and then now he’s ghosted as he’s a coward.

You’re doing 💯 the right thing. If you contacted him again he’d only give you a load of BS anyway and as you’ve said he’s read your messages and not replied, any further communication from you would look like you’re far more bothered. He’ll manage to make it seem like you’re desperate and chasing him - which you’re not btw but that’s how would be made out.

Radio silence is the way to go. Well done keeping your dignity - let him crack on. He’s shown who he is now

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 21:17

ColdAsIcepoles · 29/12/2023 20:36

also, my last relationship ended (few years ago now) really badly with a lot of arguments over the phone and I sort of don’t have the energy for it. I’ve also been feeling slightly embarrassed and awkward even though I wasn’t before this all happened.

I’m also sure that he will probably turn it on me somehow even though I have zero idea (genuinely) what I could have done. The silence feels like a really big fuck you somehow rather than going crazy and he’s blocked now.

You have ended this relationship with dignity. You know you'd been discarded and if someone values your time and company so little you've done brilliantly to just walk away. It's hard for people to understand what this shit feels like, if they've not been through it and may not understand that you have to rely on your gut instincts but you've done exactly the right thing for you, and ultimately that's what matters. Hope you're ok and have a good new year Flowers

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 21:18

DojaPhat · 29/12/2023 20:32

@CandyLeBonBon Same. Especially wrt the push/pull dynamic and never feeling like I was walking on solid ground after the first few times it'd been randomly pulled from under my feet. I couldn't imagine ever treating someone in that way - though I have / came to understand more about that type of dynamic - I still wonder but why?? Was it worth it!

Solidarity. It's awful. Flowers

taylorswift1989 · 30/12/2023 00:00

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 20:42

Sorry but seems bizarre to me to end it without even speaking on the phone. If you've blocked him you'll never even know the reason why and will always wonder.

She knows the reason why. It's because he's a dick.

And the reason why he didn't call to break up with her is because this way he thinks he can come creeping back and she'll be so grateful to hear from him again that he'll get whatever he wants.

He's just a dick. Don't ever go chasing after men like this. It just fuels their egos.

FiddleLeaf · 30/12/2023 09:56

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 20:42

Sorry but seems bizarre to me to end it without even speaking on the phone. If you've blocked him you'll never even know the reason why and will always wonder.

This should be directed at her ex 👍

Bone11 · 06/01/2024 11:46

How are you getting on OP?

Original poster
ColdAsIcepoles · 11/01/2024 00:12

Hi all, wanted to update as hate it when threads are left hanging. Ex has started dating someone new. I’d want to say new but feel like there must’ve been a big overlap somewhere. Woman is from his work and is 9 years younger than him so 21 and he’s almost 30.

I found out stupidly through a mutual friend who I’m sort of also kinda cutting ties with now because she keeps dropping information in (such as his Snapchat location being this woman’s house)

it really is his loss and he’s a scumbag, but I have been hurting quite a lot this week. A lot of woe me so still trying to shake out of it. Still have him blocked and we’ve never spoken- he basically got away with it all but I know if I go in guns blazing now or ask for a explanation then he will probably just laugh at me.

the thing is he never came across as someone who would do this- I guess they never do. He’s a police officer and so is she and my brothers ex-wife was also a PC and left him for someone in the force after a 10 year marriage, apparently it’s rife for affairs/cheating!

ah well, taking a break from dating for a few months then will get back out there

OP posts:
ThomasinaLivesHere · 11/01/2024 01:18

@ColdAsIcepoles Thanks for update. All the best for when you start dating again. You deserve better than him.

nameychangio675 · 11/01/2024 01:31

Thanks for updating OP. I am so sorry. He's a prick.

I disagree with those saying don't say anything further. Yes if they had been dating two weeks, but they were in relationship for 8 months and had met family etc. That's significant. Would you just shrug your shoulders and not speak up and call him out? If so, why? For fear of being labelled a "psycho" or "crazy"? Women should not just accept this behaviour from scumbags (obviously this does not apply in abusive situations etc). I personally think the dignified thing is to hold him to account and stand up for yourself. All the best OP, you will find someone better.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/01/2024 06:53

ColdAsIcepoles · 11/01/2024 00:12

Hi all, wanted to update as hate it when threads are left hanging. Ex has started dating someone new. I’d want to say new but feel like there must’ve been a big overlap somewhere. Woman is from his work and is 9 years younger than him so 21 and he’s almost 30.

I found out stupidly through a mutual friend who I’m sort of also kinda cutting ties with now because she keeps dropping information in (such as his Snapchat location being this woman’s house)

it really is his loss and he’s a scumbag, but I have been hurting quite a lot this week. A lot of woe me so still trying to shake out of it. Still have him blocked and we’ve never spoken- he basically got away with it all but I know if I go in guns blazing now or ask for a explanation then he will probably just laugh at me.

the thing is he never came across as someone who would do this- I guess they never do. He’s a police officer and so is she and my brothers ex-wife was also a PC and left him for someone in the force after a 10 year marriage, apparently it’s rife for affairs/cheating!

ah well, taking a break from dating for a few months then will get back out there

Thanks for the update op. Sorry it ended the way it did. It was awful the way he did it and you have every right to feel so upset.

But yes, the force is rife with this sort of behaviour so imo you had a lucky escape. Keep on keeping on. It sucks for now but you will come out the other side. Onwards and upwards Flowers

lanza11 · 11/01/2024 07:12

He’s done you a huge favour ! It doesn’t feel like it but he has. Head up and see what this year brings, at least there was no messy stuff joint house, divorce etc. know your worth and the right person will be along when it’s meant. He is not a decent person x

disappearingfish · 11/01/2024 07:24

Lucky escape! What a dick. Pity the poor woman who he's with now.

jenny38 · 11/01/2024 07:29

Ouch, that must really sting. However someone who can ghost and chest is not someone you want s long term relationship with. Imagine having kids with him, then finding out his true colours. It doesn't feel like it right now, but in 5 years time if you look back, you will feel relieved you didn't end up with him. Be kind to yourself now, and the raw feelings will pass in time.

bjrce · 11/01/2024 07:42

What a coward! That was a disgusting way to treat you after 8 months.

Best thing to do is completely forget about him. Your gut instinct was spot on.

At least you found out what kind of person he is! Won't feel like it right now, but definitely a bullet dodged!

Indifferentchickenwings · 11/01/2024 08:03

ColdAsIcepoles

so he's a ghost and a cheat 🙈

and I agree this mutual friend isn’t a friend
they lack empathy

i don’t know if he has got away with it per se.

as even if you did call him out given how upset and hurt you (now ) it might hurt you more

Life has a funny way of changing and evolving
im not going to say any karma bullshit

but I hope you get a chance to have your say at some stage

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 11/01/2024 10:04

So sorry, op. The police force seems awful for it. A female relative was married to a policeman, had two young children. He cheated and left her with a 5 and 2 year old.
They were always in a group of 3 married couples. All three men were /are police officers. 1 cheated not long after my relative's husband. His wife took him back, then he cheated again and left his wife and three kids for her.
20 years later, the third started his affair last year. Four kids, younger two still teens.

Bone11 · 11/01/2024 12:01

Sorry to hear that OP, what an idiot he is. At least you won't be tempted to romanticise him or want him back now you know the truth. Stay silent and dignified. He's not worth your anger or time and yes, he'd probably not react in a way that would make you feel any better. Concentrate on yourself and how you need to heal. He hasn't got away with anything, because he's just going to have another relationship that ultimately doesn't mean anything, whereas you can and will find something true and meaningful in time if you so choose. Be kind to yourself, it takes a while to get over the betrayal but you will.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 11/01/2024 13:40

Dickhead. Poor girl.

Deebee90 · 11/01/2024 14:26

Sorry to read your update. I dated a police officer once and he did the same thing fell for one of his colleagues. They all do it and I’d never date an officer again. Be kind to yourself and the right guy will come in time.

ScribblingPixie · 11/01/2024 14:39

What a prize this new woman has won! It may hurt now, OP, but you're so much better off single with the opportunity to meet a decent partner in time.

PieAndLattes · 11/01/2024 15:22

The police force is rife with affairs, probably more than any other occupation. You’ve dodged a bullet. It won’t seem like it now, but he’s a prick and the chances are he’ll cheat on her too.

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