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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got a feeling he’s going to end things…am I being crazy?

231 replies

ColdAsIcepoles · 25/12/2023 20:04

I’ve been seeing someone for eight months and thought it was going well. A few days ago we went to an adult panto together and he met my friends and family and I his. It was lovely. We are both 29. He even made a joke about our wedding day when we were at panto which is why I’m now confused/

We usually message throughout the day on WhatsApp. It’s how we communicate the most. I last saw him on the 23rd in person and he hasn’t replied since then but has been on WhatsApp loads. I’ve sent him Merry Christmas today and had zero reply but he’s been on instagram posting his Christmas and has been on WhatsApp a lot. (I stupidly keep checking if he’s replied and it’s always he was online 20 mins ago for example)

I know I’m going to sound a psycho but I have a gut feeling he might be messaging someone else. I don’t know why even, there’s zero evidence of this- it’s just the past week or so, he’s been on WhatsApp a lot especially in the early mornings when he didn’t use to. I know I sound crazy.

I even messaged him earlier and said “Did you like the present I got you?” And nothing. I’m not going to message again, but it’s making me feel a little down! I don’t expect him to drop his festivities to pander to me of course- just a reply would be nice😂

OP posts:
category12 · 29/12/2023 09:37

LemonJeIIy · 29/12/2023 08:29

Do people not ring eachother anymore?

No.

Lots of people don't like it or it feels intrusive. Messaging has replaced calling for many.

I wouldn't be ringing someone during the holidays (unless it's my mother) in case I was catching them at an awkward time etc, plus it's just not how I usually communicate with people, so a phone call would be out of the ordinary and suggest an emergency/urgency.

If op and her bf don't ring each other regularly, then her phoning would be weird.

Hibernatalie · 29/12/2023 09:37

What an arsehole.

DiamondTiddler · 29/12/2023 09:39

Ladyof2022 · 29/12/2023 06:57

There was no need to make a drama out of this, and no need to throw it out to people on this website to solve.

All you needed to do was stop with the Instagram nonsense, and simply dial his number and speak to him in person and listen to the tone of his voice.

His immediate reaction to hearing that it's you on the phone will tell you all that you need. If he were to ask something like why are you calling then you know that he doesn't consider you to be his girlfriend because why would a girlfriend need an excuse to call?

If you don't know what to say you could say "I've sent you a message I've sent you a present I've I've wished you Happy Christmas and I've not had a response. Is everything okay?

If a person is "ghosting" someone, they aren't going to answer the phone call either. The problem isn't that OP sent messages, it's that the twat was choosing not to look at/respond to them.

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 09:55

Haven’t read the whole thread but so confused as to why you didn’t just call for a quick chat on Christmas Day to catch up? Or Boxing Day? After 8 months and after meeting parents surely you can give each other a quick call. Bizarre you just passively aggressively waited for a text and then blocked him without ANY actual phone call or in person communication. Fair enough if you’d been only been dating a few weeks and had only met a few times but an 8 month relationship where you met the parents? I’d want some actual closure on that.

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 09:56

LemonJeIIy · 29/12/2023 08:29

Do people not ring eachother anymore?

Yes when it works for both but certainly not when someone is spending time with other people. I wouldn’t answer and wouldn’t expect else to during a family visit. I’d find that rude and intrusive.

Maybe if one or other had sent a message saying ‘give me a call if you’re free’ - then that would be ok.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 10:20

DojaPhat · 29/12/2023 06:11

@CandyLeBonBon 18 months! If you don't mind saying did you soon realise what was happening? I can't imagine that sort of headfuck!

OP, after 8 months his behaviour is cruel, 8 days I could understand but 8 months and just ghosting someone is wholly unacceptable.

I often think when women build steel walls around their hearts they do so for very good reason.

In hindsight yes I can see signs but at the time he was 'Mr lovebomb' and any time I felt things were off he'd up the ante and sweep me off my feet again. I moved house to be closer to him and it was like someone flicked a switch. All of a sudden he was too busy for me, was dismissive, condescending and just like a different person. This 'push/pull' behaviour lasted years though and took me a long time to extract myself from for all sorts of reasons (good old Mumsnet helped me through some difficult stuff!). Plays havoc with your head though. I'm glad op has worked this one out though. It'll save her a lot of bother!

Avacardo2023 · 29/12/2023 10:28

LemonJeIIy · 29/12/2023 08:29

Do people not ring eachother anymore?

No never. I can't remember the last time I phoned someone (except at work) and generally WhatsApp and meet up and that's it. Everyone I know is the same.

TheAverageJoanne · 29/12/2023 10:28

Apparently now we have to make an appointment for a phone call.

Avacardo2023 · 29/12/2023 10:33

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 09:55

Haven’t read the whole thread but so confused as to why you didn’t just call for a quick chat on Christmas Day to catch up? Or Boxing Day? After 8 months and after meeting parents surely you can give each other a quick call. Bizarre you just passively aggressively waited for a text and then blocked him without ANY actual phone call or in person communication. Fair enough if you’d been only been dating a few weeks and had only met a few times but an 8 month relationship where you met the parents? I’d want some actual closure on that.

Maybe read the whole thread then to see that she didn't passively aggressively do anything. If you text someone a few times and they don't reply, and you know in your gut that their style of communication has changed and something is off, you would be mad to phone them on Christmas Day.

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 10:39

Avacardo2023 · 29/12/2023 10:28

No never. I can't remember the last time I phoned someone (except at work) and generally WhatsApp and meet up and that's it. Everyone I know is the same.

Show quote history

Me too and I’m no spring chicken. We chat via WhatsApp and speak on phone quickly now and again.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 29/12/2023 10:44

@TheAverageJoanne it’s just good manners to ask someone if you can call them later or what time they are free. Different if you are just calling to clear something up quickly but assuming someone has 30 minutes “for a chat” is so rude and intrusive. If someone rings me without checking in first I generally jump to assuming someone has died!

I know it is how things used to be but there is no need anymore so check if someone wants to talk!

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 10:45

TheAverageJoanne · 29/12/2023 10:28

Apparently now we have to make an appointment for a phone call.

Messaging and saying 'are you free for a chat' isn't making an appointment though is it? It's just checking someone is available and not in the middle of something.

MmedeGouge · 29/12/2023 10:50

I feel you have had a lucky escape from this man. He’s done you a favour giving you an insight into his character, that he has managed to hide until now.
I wouldn’t invest any more time on him.
New Year, fresh start.
Good luck!

TheAverageJoanne · 29/12/2023 10:52

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 10:45

Messaging and saying 'are you free for a chat' isn't making an appointment though is it? It's just checking someone is available and not in the middle of something.

Show quote history

I meant in general, not this particular instance. It's weird. I call people often and vice versa. But I read lots on Mumsnet that it's not the done thing.

thatwassociopathic · 29/12/2023 10:54

OMG getting ghosted after all that is appalling behavior from him and he's clearly shown you his true colors. Lucky escape but what a low blow. You deserve a million times better than him and this poor cow he's seeing now doesn't have the privilege of knowing what you know, she'll be next. Pity whoever ends up marrying him, have a great NY

category12 · 29/12/2023 11:02

TheAverageJoanne · 29/12/2023 10:52

I meant in general, not this particular instance. It's weird. I call people often and vice versa. But I read lots on Mumsnet that it's not the done thing.

Show quote history

Of course it's fine if it's normal for you and the people you are likely to call.

But for a lot of people, messaging has replaced phone calls and if they do want to call, they'll message first to check in that it's a good time.

taylorswift1989 · 29/12/2023 11:04

Haha at all the telephone wankers turning up to try to blame OP for her ex's bullshit.

You made the right decision OP. And when he tries to come back he'll find himself blocked and you completely over it.

There are some decent men out there - you'll find one.

AlinaSquareQueen · 29/12/2023 12:05

@taylorswift1989

Spot on.

It’s classic Mumsnet victim-blaming, ie, let’s kick someone when they’re down….. oh but it’s ok because I’m anonymous

No one would say this stuff IRL, to either a friend or an internet stranger.

BethDuttonsTwin · 29/12/2023 12:09

Well said @taylorswift1989

All such types must forever be referred to as “telephone wankers” on MN from here on in. If anyone wants to add “sanctimonious” to that descriptor, I’m fine with it 😁

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 13:02

I am not blaming OP this guy likely is a dick that has just cooled off after meeting the parents but I think it’s crazy how you’d accept an 8 month relationship to be completely over with no actual in person or telephone communication though.

Avacardo2023 · 29/12/2023 13:10

Luxell934 · 29/12/2023 13:02

I am not blaming OP this guy likely is a dick that has just cooled off after meeting the parents but I think it’s crazy how you’d accept an 8 month relationship to be completely over with no actual in person or telephone communication though.

The guy is a cold bastard and has basically ghosted the OP without a second thought and couldn't care less about her feelings. If the OP contacted him it would only feed his ego. At least this way it looks like the OP didn't really give a shit about the relationship either. It will hopefully be a decent blow to his ego.

I hope you are doing ok OP. Honestly I'd expect more from a 29 year old man, it's sad that there are men like this.

taylorswift1989 · 29/12/2023 13:29

BethDuttonsTwin · 29/12/2023 12:09

Well said @taylorswift1989

All such types must forever be referred to as “telephone wankers” on MN from here on in. If anyone wants to add “sanctimonious” to that descriptor, I’m fine with it 😁

Sanctimonious telephone wanker is 100% a type of MN poster!,,

CandyLeBonBon · 29/12/2023 15:07

Yeah come on OP you haven't broken up with him properly and must put yourself through even more potential upset just to appease the MN massive! Get on the blower pronto then report back!!

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 15:16

zaazaazoo · 27/12/2023 21:37

I'm not sure why you think it would give him an ego boost. Being told you really have behaved poorly is not something most people would get an ego boost from

Show quote history

Of course it is. It looks to him that aged bothered enough to still contact him even after he’s ghosted or slow faded her.
And telling him he’s braved badly doesn’t him a lesson, it gives him ammunition to prove he’s got to her. He’ll just use it as evidence he’s done right thing and that he’s still causing drama - harsh unfair, untrue but that’ll be how a lot of men think

Going no contact is far more dignified. Don’t give him the satisfaction of looking bothered.

BethDuttonsTwin · 29/12/2023 16:30

SamW98 · 29/12/2023 15:16

Of course it is. It looks to him that aged bothered enough to still contact him even after he’s ghosted or slow faded her.
And telling him he’s braved badly doesn’t him a lesson, it gives him ammunition to prove he’s got to her. He’ll just use it as evidence he’s done right thing and that he’s still causing drama - harsh unfair, untrue but that’ll be how a lot of men think

Going no contact is far more dignified. Don’t give him the satisfaction of looking bothered.

Show quote history

Such men laugh and show the messages to their friends. I’ve known plenty. It’s like a badge of honour to have some “crazy” woman chasing them. Anyone who hasn’t experienced this is very lucky but needs to understand that it’s pretty common and that many people don’t share their values and ways of doing things.