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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got a feeling he’s going to end things…am I being crazy?

231 replies

ColdAsIcepoles · 25/12/2023 20:04

I’ve been seeing someone for eight months and thought it was going well. A few days ago we went to an adult panto together and he met my friends and family and I his. It was lovely. We are both 29. He even made a joke about our wedding day when we were at panto which is why I’m now confused/

We usually message throughout the day on WhatsApp. It’s how we communicate the most. I last saw him on the 23rd in person and he hasn’t replied since then but has been on WhatsApp loads. I’ve sent him Merry Christmas today and had zero reply but he’s been on instagram posting his Christmas and has been on WhatsApp a lot. (I stupidly keep checking if he’s replied and it’s always he was online 20 mins ago for example)

I know I’m going to sound a psycho but I have a gut feeling he might be messaging someone else. I don’t know why even, there’s zero evidence of this- it’s just the past week or so, he’s been on WhatsApp a lot especially in the early mornings when he didn’t use to. I know I sound crazy.

I even messaged him earlier and said “Did you like the present I got you?” And nothing. I’m not going to message again, but it’s making me feel a little down! I don’t expect him to drop his festivities to pander to me of course- just a reply would be nice😂

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 27/12/2023 16:47

Fannyfiggs · 27/12/2023 16:44

I know, that's what I said 😉

Show quote history

Yes but you implied it was other people's humourlessness that was the problem, rather than your failure to sufficiently indicate your intention.

Fannyfiggs · 27/12/2023 17:04

taylorswift1989 · 27/12/2023 16:47

Yes but you implied it was other people's humourlessness that was the problem, rather than your failure to sufficiently indicate your intention.

Show quote history

Not at all. I just forgot that not everyone finds me hilarious and knows I wasn't being serious.

No offence meant 😊

taylorswift1989 · 27/12/2023 17:09

Fannyfiggs · 27/12/2023 17:04

Not at all. I just forgot that not everyone finds me hilarious and knows I wasn't being serious.

No offence meant 😊

Show quote history

None taken.

zaazaazoo · 27/12/2023 21:37

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 22:55

Don’t boost his ego by messaging him again. It won’t shame him or let him know he’s in the wrong, it’ll just give him the chance to either ghost you or come up with a BS excuse. Don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking you’re in the slightest bit bothered.

It’s a shame after 8 months but he’s shown exactly what his priorities are. For whatever reason, he’s pulled back - I doubt he’ll tell you truth even if you ask so don’t waste another minute on him. Let him crack on

I'm not sure why you think it would give him an ego boost. Being told you really have behaved poorly is not something most people would get an ego boost from

muchalover · 27/12/2023 21:57

If OP asks for an explanation she will seem desperate and clingy. He may even show it to friends or family.

She is better than that. I think blocking will give her the control and close the book. Asking for information, which he won't give or will blame her, and it won't make him feel shame, so don't waste her energy.

Bullet. Dodged.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 22:03

@zaazaazoo have you ever heard of the expression 'all attention is good attention'?

There are many many people out there who enjoy the frisson of manipulating people they have convinced they care about, pulling stunts like this, and any when you send a heartfelt message saying how hurtful they'd been, their faux-naivety is simply vile - pretending they didn't realise what day it was/oh sorry I was so busy/oh goodness why are you being so controlling etc etc - all designed to give them a little thrill - it's like a dopamine hit - a high if you like.

If you're lucky enough to have never met anyone who does this, you're very lucky but it's more common than you might think.

Trust me, a dressing down does NOT have the desired effect on these people.

zaazaazoo · 27/12/2023 22:11

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 22:03

@zaazaazoo have you ever heard of the expression 'all attention is good attention'?

There are many many people out there who enjoy the frisson of manipulating people they have convinced they care about, pulling stunts like this, and any when you send a heartfelt message saying how hurtful they'd been, their faux-naivety is simply vile - pretending they didn't realise what day it was/oh sorry I was so busy/oh goodness why are you being so controlling etc etc - all designed to give them a little thrill - it's like a dopamine hit - a high if you like.

If you're lucky enough to have never met anyone who does this, you're very lucky but it's more common than you might think.

Trust me, a dressing down does NOT have the desired effect on these people.

If it had been after 5 weeks or something I'd agree. But it's been 8 months. That's a weirdly long time to appear to be normal only to fuck off like this. I'd tell them that their behaviour is peculiar and not at all attractive so I'm calling it quits. Then I'd block and move on. I'm really not sure how anyone would feel their ego had been boosted from that.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 22:16

@zaazaazoo trust me, they do this. It can take years until they show their colours. Mine took 18 months and then switched. Just like that. It was like someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over me.

As I say if you've never been through it, it sounds so far fetched but it's absolutely a thing that happens.

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 27/12/2023 23:05

It happened to me. Sounds mad, but did. Horrific. Like I had been smacked in the face. Really thought I knew him. I genuinely don't think I ever did @CandyLeBonBon @zaazaazoo

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2023 23:19

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 27/12/2023 23:05

It happened to me. Sounds mad, but did. Horrific. Like I had been smacked in the face. Really thought I knew him. I genuinely don't think I ever did @CandyLeBonBon @zaazaazoo

Same. The realisation the person I loved was just an illusion was utterly crushing!

ThomasinaLivesHere · 28/12/2023 00:37

I agree with those saying no good will come from writing further messages. You’ll spend time trying to come up with something biting and then he’ll respond with a thumbs up or something short that took no effort and then how would you feel. He’s already moved on so you won’t get any meaningful response. Put the energy into moving forward.

Indifferentchickenwings · 28/12/2023 12:43

I have to say whilst silence is optimal , desirable and the most sensible way

it’s so hard !!!

when someone hurts you like this you want to hurt them back , or at least say your piece

op please block him on social media
last thing you need to see is that ghosting cunt having a nice Xmas holiday

Hibernatalie · 28/12/2023 18:00

Any updates OP? I hope you're having a lovely time in spite of all this. Agree with PPs that ghosting him is the best bet x

Original poster
ColdAsIcepoles · 29/12/2023 01:45

Hello all, I haven’t replied. He hasn’t sent another message but my friend (a joint friend really) has him on Snapchat and said she could see on the snap maps that he’s been at a house the last few nights. I’ve blocked now.

I’m guessing someone else’s. I’ve asked her not to tell me anymore and I’m glad that he’s gone at least before the new year starts so I can start a fresh.

I'm a little upset but trying to keep myself busy and positive! I’m not even trying to dwell on what could’ve changed his mind about me.

OP posts:
nameychangio675 · 29/12/2023 02:06

Scum bag! I know others will say differently but if it were me I’d first find out for sure and then give both barrels. Scumbags like this should be held accountable for their disgusting actions. 8 months and he treats you like this. Unacceptable and cowardly behaviour.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/12/2023 05:39

You're missing a golden opportunity to dump him here

Message and say "I've met someone much more suitable for me so I'm just sending you a quick message to wish you luck"

Will drive him nuts. Bet you get some sort of begging response or 'yeah it wasn't going anywhere' but at least you control the narrative 🤷‍♀️

TerfTalking · 29/12/2023 05:45

Good grief no, do not send any messages. Silence and blocking is 💯 the way to go. Happy NY OP x

Josette77 · 29/12/2023 05:48

What an asshole! I'm so sorry.
I'm glad the trash took itself out.

Tanfastic · 29/12/2023 05:49

What a wanker op! Well rid and you sound like you've got your head screwed on and know that and your instincts were spot on.

DojaPhat · 29/12/2023 06:11

@CandyLeBonBon 18 months! If you don't mind saying did you soon realise what was happening? I can't imagine that sort of headfuck!

OP, after 8 months his behaviour is cruel, 8 days I could understand but 8 months and just ghosting someone is wholly unacceptable.

I often think when women build steel walls around their hearts they do so for very good reason.

LadyWithLapdog · 29/12/2023 06:16

Oh, OP, what a ridiculously stupid and cowardly man. You think you start to know and trust somebody and they behave like this… New year, new beginnings. Good luck.

Ladyof2022 · 29/12/2023 06:57

There was no need to make a drama out of this, and no need to throw it out to people on this website to solve.

All you needed to do was stop with the Instagram nonsense, and simply dial his number and speak to him in person and listen to the tone of his voice.

His immediate reaction to hearing that it's you on the phone will tell you all that you need. If he were to ask something like why are you calling then you know that he doesn't consider you to be his girlfriend because why would a girlfriend need an excuse to call?

If you don't know what to say you could say "I've sent you a message I've sent you a present I've I've wished you Happy Christmas and I've not had a response. Is everything okay?

LemonJeIIy · 29/12/2023 08:29

Do people not ring eachother anymore?

AlinaSquareQueen · 29/12/2023 08:54

TerfTalking · 29/12/2023 05:45

Good grief no, do not send any messages. Silence and blocking is 💯 the way to go. Happy NY OP x

This is absolutely the right advice, and I’m glad you weren’t tempted to contact him.

I’m sorry he’s treated you appallingly, but you WILL find someone who cares deeply about you, I’m certain.

He’ll probably come crawling back with a whole host of lame excuses…. but I have faith that you will tell him to get fucked….. I definitely would.

Hibernatalie · 29/12/2023 09:33

LemonJeIIy · 29/12/2023 08:29

Do people not ring eachother anymore?

Absolutely not. I'm 40 and I haven't spoken to anyone on the phone (outside of work) in years.