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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Got a feeling he’s going to end things…am I being crazy?

231 replies

ColdAsIcepoles · 25/12/2023 20:04

I’ve been seeing someone for eight months and thought it was going well. A few days ago we went to an adult panto together and he met my friends and family and I his. It was lovely. We are both 29. He even made a joke about our wedding day when we were at panto which is why I’m now confused/

We usually message throughout the day on WhatsApp. It’s how we communicate the most. I last saw him on the 23rd in person and he hasn’t replied since then but has been on WhatsApp loads. I’ve sent him Merry Christmas today and had zero reply but he’s been on instagram posting his Christmas and has been on WhatsApp a lot. (I stupidly keep checking if he’s replied and it’s always he was online 20 mins ago for example)

I know I’m going to sound a psycho but I have a gut feeling he might be messaging someone else. I don’t know why even, there’s zero evidence of this- it’s just the past week or so, he’s been on WhatsApp a lot especially in the early mornings when he didn’t use to. I know I sound crazy.

I even messaged him earlier and said “Did you like the present I got you?” And nothing. I’m not going to message again, but it’s making me feel a little down! I don’t expect him to drop his festivities to pander to me of course- just a reply would be nice😂

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 26/12/2023 09:50

There is no good reason why he can't text and say Happy Christmas.

Dont accept this behaviour.

Ghostxx · 26/12/2023 09:53

Well OP @ColdAsIcepoles did he message in the end?
I'm particularly interested because your relationship sounds similar to mine - seeing each other for a few months, met all of his friends at a panto recently....
I had to message him first on Christmas day, but he replied straight away and he was still in bed / hadn't been awake for long so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for that. I would be quite upset if he hadn't messaged at all.
People's comments that you're expecting too much are wrong imo. It's not too much to expect a Merry Christmas text, or even a response. These things matter...

Littlenutroast · 26/12/2023 09:53

You got him a present. Did he get one for you?

Hibernatalie · 26/12/2023 09:56

Yeah it's a shitty thing to do. I wonder if the families getting together freaked him out a bit. Either way, not OK. He should at the very least thanked you for his gift. Did he get you one?

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 09:57

Burntouted · 26/12/2023 01:06

You don't know what most people do.

It would be nice, but he currently isn't doing this.

You wrote:

"I last saw him on the 23rd in person and he hasn’t replied since then but has been on WhatsApp loads. I’ve sent him Merry Christmas today and had zero reply but he’s been on instagram posting his Christmas and has been on WhatsApp a lot. (I stupidly keep checking if he’s replied and it’s always he was online 20 mins ago for example)"

Constantly monitoring his online presence, and posts is cyber stalking...even though you feel it's not.

Checking once to see if he is still amongst the living was okay. ..because of concern. . In the last two days you admittedly revealed that you know that he has used the app a lot, "loads" has been online a lot, has posted, that you check often and every time you look his active status always states that he was online 20 minutes ago.

That is obsessive behavior and cyberstalking.

A lot of posters have started threads about some men doing these things such as the online stalking, and those men are bashed, insulted, and called creepy..tell some women they need to report this to the law and get orders of protection, etc...

....but when some women do this, a lot of people don't hold her accountable nor in the same regards.. they tell her it's perfectly acceptable..that she's not doing anything wrong..

Well...it's unacceptable for anyone to exhibit this type of behaviors and cyberstalk.

If you don't like what you feel like he's doing..and what's happening..

Disengage, block, and work towards moving on.

Duplicate post

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 09:58

Burntouted · 26/12/2023 01:06

You don't know what most people do.

It would be nice, but he currently isn't doing this.

You wrote:

Constantly monitoring his online presence, and posts is cyber stalking...even though you feel it's not.

That is obsessive behavior and cyberstalking.

....but when some women do this, a lot of people don't hold her accountable nor in the same regards.. they tell her it's perfectly acceptable..that she's not doing anything wrong..

Well...it's unacceptable for anyone to exhibit this type of behaviors and cyberstalk.

If you don't like what you feel like he's doing..and what's happening..

Disengage, block, and work towards moving on.

No it’s not cyberstalking in any way shape or form. Stop talking absolute nonsense.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 10:22

That's awful, OP.

Let me predict what happens next. He gets in touch with you, acting completely normal. You express your hurt over his non-communication. He accuses you of neediness/immaturity etc. and threatens it won't work out because you're too much. You apologise in order to keep the peace. Things go back to normal for a bit, then he drops you again. The cycle continues...

Alternately, he's talking to someone else, and he won't come back to you until she drops him or he gets bored with her, which may take longer.

Basically, this man is treating you horrendously. He won't change. It will only get worse.

The only thing you can do is to take control. You don't want this kind of relationship, right? So this is over now. You're single. Move on. You don't have to say anything to him, but it might be good for you to send a last message saying, this is no longer working for me. I wouldn't bother explaining. And then I would block him on all social media, so you're not tempted to look at what he's doing.

If and when he contacts you again, you can say something like, Thanks for getting in touch, but I'm looking for someone more consistent and interesting, so this connection no longer works for me.

Either way, take your power back. Do not let him dictate what happens next in this relationship. It's over, he's shown his true colours. Let him go and look for someone who values and respects you. You deserve nothing less.

harerunner · 26/12/2023 10:32

@Burntouted

To call the OP's behaviour cyber-stalking is ridiculous. It would be odd not to check his online presence periodically in the circumstances.

Olika · 26/12/2023 10:35

Maybe he got cold feet after meeting friends and family at panto?

EllieBellieSmellie1 · 26/12/2023 10:45

My guess is he got overwhelmed by meeting the family, felt it was "too much" so did this.

you're not cyberstalking
I'm sorry, this is really crap
avoident attachment style
of course you're hurt You could try and be the 'cool girl' but I couldn't be arsed. I would call him off a withheld number, speak calmly and try and communicate properly. Who wants a relationship where you're playing silly games? It's up to you if you continue it but even if he returns, it's a red flag.

category12 · 26/12/2023 11:01

It's up to you if you continue it but even if he returns, it's a red flag.

I'd like to say what you tolerate in the early stages of a relationship, sets the standard for the rest of the relationship. Accept poor treatment and that's what you'll get.

This behaviour spoiled your Christmas. Continue with him and expect more spoiled occasions.

jillgreen · 26/12/2023 11:07

I'd like to say what you tolerate in the early stages of a relationship, sets the standard for the rest of the relationship. Accept poor treatment and that's what you'll get.

This should be taught in schools! Such good advice.

SiobhanSharpe · 26/12/2023 11:12

Sadly, you're probably right OP. He's cooling off. (And being a complete dick about it.)

FiddleLeaf · 26/12/2023 11:21

It’s not being needy, it’s having bog standard expectations and he’s not meeting them for whatever reason.

Even if you get a friendly message now, it wouldn’t be acceptable for me to be picked up and dropped when it suited him.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 11:24

category12 · 26/12/2023 11:01

It's up to you if you continue it but even if he returns, it's a red flag.

I'd like to say what you tolerate in the early stages of a relationship, sets the standard for the rest of the relationship. Accept poor treatment and that's what you'll get.

This behaviour spoiled your Christmas. Continue with him and expect more spoiled occasions.

Agree completely. This is great advice.

His behaviour is appalling. If you don't want more hurtful, cruel treatment and spoiled occasions, then just end it now.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 11:28

I would call him off a withheld number, speak calmly and try and communicate properly.

Don't do this! What a powerless position to put yourself in. He's getting your messages, so if you want to contact him again (though I'd advise against it) send a message saying, I'm not happy with you giving me the silent treatment. Your behaviour is hurtful and unkind. I therefore will not be continuing this relationship with you.

That is taking back your power OP. And I know it's scary, but trust me, when you do that, you will feel soooooo much better. Choose yourself. Every time. Choose yourself.

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 11:28

FiddleLeaf · 26/12/2023 11:21

It’s not being needy, it’s having bog standard expectations and he’s not meeting them for whatever reason.

Even if you get a friendly message now, it wouldn’t be acceptable for me to be picked up and dropped when it suited him.

Absolutely. He's shown you he’s happy to let you down last minute when he gets a better offer.

No amount of sweet tell and ‘sorry babe’ can make up for the fact he’s shown you his priorities and he’s top of his list.

Usernamechange1234 · 26/12/2023 11:28

@Burntouted you are talking absolute nonsense!!!!

@ColdAsIcepoles I’m so sorry but this does not look good! I recognise this behaviour from my dating days and it always signalled the end. And yes being on WhatsApp in the early hours can be a sign of someone new. I think it’s a horrible thing for him to do. It does speak volumes about who he is.

Count it as a lucky escape and move on! I hope you’re not too low today. Believe you and me, it’s for the best in the long run. Relationships that cause you anxiety and concern in the dating days are simply not worth it.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2023 11:31

It would be nice to hear back from you @ColdAsIcepoles just to know if he did bother to show his sorry face after all, and what lame mealymouthed excuse he gave.

Undineimmor · 26/12/2023 11:40

I can even tell you WHY he's done it. You've met his friends and family and he yours

Something about them made him realise you were not the right fit for him for whatever reason or, far more likely
You are now invested. You can't admit the relationship is over to friends and family without being humiliated so you will put up with some bad treatment in order to not humiliate yourself worse with loved ones. Also commonly done to pregnant women who now can't walk away.

Alternatively, there is someone else.

TeaGinandFags · 26/12/2023 11:48

He's deliberately messing with your head. Introducjng you to his family and talking about your wedding is building your rxoectatiobs to the max to then deliberately ignore you when even strangers say hello is actually fucking with your mind, if not your heart.

He's being cruel and you need to run. Guaranteed he'll be back in the New Year. Don't let him con you again. He only cares about hurting you.

erniewernie · 26/12/2023 11:53

Burntouted · 25/12/2023 22:24

Leave him alone and work towards moving on. Stop cyberstalking as well.

Don't message him anymore.

Also, work on learning how to give people space... He has a life that doesn't revolve around you.

You are not entitled to all of his time, and energy, and space.

According to you, you just have seen him 2 days ago.

Honestly, I can understand why possibly he isn't responding..

Edited

U ok hun?

ChristmasFluff · 26/12/2023 11:54

Yeah, I'd dump him. Wouldn't even explain why, cos he knows and is probably hoping you will do the deed.

Just block him and try to move on. And under no circumstances accept him back, however much he begs and says he loves you. Always remember that what he did this Christmas is VERY far from how a person treats you when they love you.

Angelsrose · 26/12/2023 12:17

I think we all know that a busy Christmas doesn't mean you can't spend 30 seconds messaging a significant other. I think your boyfriend is being selfish and silly. Some people can make you feel insignificant with their self absorbed and self-important behaviour but don't get sucked into that and carry on enjoying the festive season.

Southpoint · 26/12/2023 12:39

Most men find it hard to break up so start by playing those stupid games and ghosting. I hope you are ok OP it sucks

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