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Original poster

Why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner?

177 replies

Verysad1978 · 25/12/2023 18:55

I saw this on another thread. And I am honestly not being provocative but why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner etc? I am in same house wIth separated partner. I can’t wait for this just to be over. And move on.
I can’t imagine inviting him to dinner next Christmas. But people do it. Is it the right thing to do? Why?
I suppose I’ve a year to get my head around it

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 27/12/2023 11:32

AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato · 27/12/2023 10:57

Some of these comments are so ignorant and judgy, the typical "I can't imagine anyone not being exactly the same as me and living the exact same lifestyle as me" Mumsnet mentality.

My parents divorced when I was 12, and died when I was about 30, and they were very good friends and got on very well for the rest of their lives after the divorce and would go to a coffee shop to exchange presents on each others' birthdays every year. Definitely neither of them had feelings for each other, neither of them had any interest in getting back together, it certainly wasn't some "selfish woman daring to want to be with her own child" thing since I was an adult (and often not even there), and I didn't find it confusing in the slightest, I thought it was nice that they were able to be friends and I never regarded it as playing happy families or confusing.

Obviously if there's been any form of abuse or if you hate each other then of course not, and I wouldn't expect anyone to hang out with someone who cheated on them either. Most marriages so break down because someone has behaved badly or because there's bitterness, so most couples aren't going to still be friends and that's fine. No one should be expected or pressured to stay friends with an ex.

But for people like my parents, who got on extremely well and liked each other, no abuse or cheating, just a severe fundamental personality difference that meant they couldn't be married to or live with each other, there's no reason not to be friends.

It's so close minded isn't it. Either from people who had terrible relationships so can't imagine it and don't want others to have it amicable, or jealous new partners.

Disturbia81 · 27/12/2023 11:32

harerunner · 27/12/2023 07:20

@Usernamecreateddone

No i didn't mean that. I'm wondering if we want it all....in love, lust, 'like it was when we first met' etc when perhaps settling into a deep love which is less about butterflies in the stomach is a more solid marriage.

From my own experience, people generally don't leave non-abusive long term relationships because they are dissatisfied with the lack of novelty and butterflies amongst the "deep love" of their "solid marriages"! It's because any deep love has eroded over time, and their marriages have become really unhappy!

No the deep love will always be there.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/12/2023 11:40

arethereanyleftatall · 25/12/2023 19:23

Remember, divorce really really doesn't have to be the shit, everyone hate each other, kids in therapy, no maintenance paid kind. It is an option to do divorce well.

DB had Christmas lunch with his ex and the teenage children. They get along fine, it was being married to each other that was the problem. And they support each other with the children (DNiece has mental issues). I think it's rather nice that they emerged from their marriage as friends.

TicTac80 · 27/12/2023 11:42

I'm divorced with DC. DC wanted a Christmas Day with Dad (so we did this on Christmas Eve as we were spending Xmas Day with my family). My place is bigger and it's more comfortable for the kids. Nearly five years since we split. XH has changed for the better since we split, and acknowledged and apologised for his past behaviours. I'm still a bit cautious about things, so the DC see him at my place. It works for us as a family.

morechaimama · 27/12/2023 11:43

I wish I could say me and XH might one day be friends, but I cannot imagine it, nor do I wish for it. I hate it that it makes things difficult for the DC, but XH was emotionally abusive and continues to be so (manipulation/mind games/stealing stuff) so I have him in the house for the least time possible...

Those of you who divorced "amicably" and can spend time together - I envy you - and if that was my situation I'd do it happily if it made things easier for the kids.

This is definitely an "each to their own" situation.

TicTac80 · 27/12/2023 11:56

@morechaimama, believe me, when we first split, XH was bloody awful (and was awful before we split too)! I think the important factor here is that once we split, and with time, he actually took a good look at himself and realised that his behaviour was the problem. He acknowledged his past behaviours and apologised for them (and still does). He sought help and sorted his shit out. From the start, I also put in very firm boundaries about things too. So things were not amicable before, but they are now. Had he continued to behave in the way he used to, then there is no way I'd consider having him in my house.

Notamaterlistictypeofwoman · 27/12/2023 12:37

@TicTac80 Everyone is entitled to their opinion,however I only @ you because of the "feelings for eachother" statement you made which i also made in my comment.Having feelings for someone doesn't automatically mean in a romantic way and I have clarified that in my previous response ..Have a blessed day

Notamaterlistictypeofwoman · 27/12/2023 12:40

Notamaterlistictypeofwoman · 27/12/2023 12:37

@TicTac80 Everyone is entitled to their opinion,however I only @ you because of the "feelings for eachother" statement you made which i also made in my comment.Having feelings for someone doesn't automatically mean in a romantic way and I have clarified that in my previous response ..Have a blessed day

Sorry I meant to @AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato

DollyDaydreamW · 27/12/2023 12:48

Because there were boundaries in place and he stuck to them. He only came for the time I said was ok to. He helped to pay for food, gifts and he fully cleared up afterwards. The kids said they wanted him to come when asked.

I get on with him reasonably ok. I certainly didn't feel like I was faking being happy on the day, and the kids would notice that and feel weird, we just had a chilled day. It was how I wished our previous relationship was generally, tbf 😂

Seriously though, it can be done. I think if things are explained clearly and age-appropriately to children, if they are genuinely happy with the arrangements, it can work. It takes effort though. I probably will taper it off over next year and the years after, because hopefully ex will have built a better situation to host them (and probably me too if I want to join in). That's fair. If we are working together it has to be fair. As long as he keeps his side up, I will too.

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 12:54

My exh’s new partner decided years ago to rally the ILs and his old friends against me as otherwise she would feel betrayed even when I had been with my new partner for years.

They explained to her that screwing me up would inevitably end up impacting DS and refused. She saw that as the ultimate betrayal and asked exh to chose between her and his past.

My son, my partner, my in-laws and mutual friends from exh’s have been having a lovely time and spending holidays together for years. It is lovely, Christmas are no longer the toxic hurdle to deal with each year.

Lucyccfc68 · 27/12/2023 14:10

The first couple of years after separating I definitely would not have invited ex-DH round for Christmas or any other time. He drank too much, had a gambling habit that made him nasty and wouldn’t have contributed anything.

He has definitely changed over the years and we get on pretty well now. I absolutely would not want us to get back together but we do spend a fair bit of time together due to DS’s hobbies and something he hopefully will end up doing professionally later in life.

Ex-DH comes round for Christmas dinner and we sometimes spend Boxing Day together watching football.

Due to his behaviour years ago, I honestly didn’t think we would be amicable now, but I think we have been very lucky.

morechaimama · 27/12/2023 14:15

@DollyDaydreamW if I ever get to a point where I can tolerate XH being here, I would hope we could manage things as you have... unfortunately he went full-on self-pity last year (in front of DC) about "mummy not allowing me to stay for very long" (he was invited for breakfast and present opening - so two or three hours), he paid for nothing and sat on his phone most of the time...so I won't be making that mistake again.

DollyDaydreamW · 27/12/2023 16:03

@morechaimama That's the fear I had too, that he would be like that. He managed himself pretty well though. I would not invite him over if he was like yours, and I'm glad you didn't bother this year, the kids don't need to hear that manipulative bullshit!

I think the reason I'll reduce it/knock it on the head next year is because as soon as they relax into thinking they've got it their way, the shit behaviour starts to creep in. He managed this year, but next year I will almost certainly want it to be more delineated/seperate. I'm rebuilding my life, and things ultimately don't stay the same for ever.

Aubree17 · 27/12/2023 17:01

Because his kids were here and he had no where else to go.
Every situation is different.

shellyleppard · 27/12/2023 17:10

Op I spend Christmas day with my ex partner. He even brings the wine, pudding and does the washing up. Our children are 18 and 15 but they love having their dad around for Christmas day.

gocompare · 27/12/2023 17:26

If I got on with my and and he wasn't such a prick I'd of invited him.

We are a long time dead and maybe I will in the future.

ShyRaven · 19/11/2024 11:20

What if the kids are grown up.. 19 and 21.. should I still be expected to mingle with the ex at xmas?

ChocolateSpider · 19/11/2024 11:28

Old thread but the obvious reason is they don’t want to alternate Xmas so by inviting the ex they get to keep the kids at theirs and don’t have to have an Xmas alone

Marblesbackagain · 19/11/2024 11:30

Reugny · 25/12/2023 18:56

No it isn't

Show quote history

Well it is for us.

My ex is invited to stay over and have the morning and dinner with us.

If we didn't the children wouldn't see him as his extended family are in another county.

We have managed to do this successfully for 8 years. 🤷‍♀️

BarrelOfOtters · 19/11/2024 12:47

I posted previously. But this year, like the last 15 years, dh's ex is coming for Christmas. Kids are grown up now, and chances are, if the kids were elsewhere she'd still come. Exes are long term commitments if they are idiots.

ChimpyChops · 19/11/2024 12:59

We are still friends and share a child (17).
He would have nobody else to spend it with as he moved here to be near his son when he left the forces and his family are up north.
He helps prepare the veg with my husband 🤣
My son appreciates it.

BarrelOfOtters · 19/11/2024 15:23

BarrelOfOtters · 19/11/2024 12:47

I posted previously. But this year, like the last 15 years, dh's ex is coming for Christmas. Kids are grown up now, and chances are, if the kids were elsewhere she'd still come. Exes are long term commitments if they are idiots.

It they 'aren't' idiots. FFS edit.

Daschund1 · 19/11/2024 15:31

As long as the DC enjoyed it, I'd rather that than not see DC on Christmas Day. I'd hate to not have my DC.

Daschund1 · 19/11/2024 15:34

Just seen it's a zombie thread but out of interest what are your plans this year @Disturbia81 ?

Disturbia81 · 19/11/2024 20:46

Daschund1 · 19/11/2024 15:34

Just seen it's a zombie thread but out of interest what are your plans this year @Disturbia81 ?

Everyone round to mine, why?

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