Why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner?

[Verysad1978]

I saw this on another thread. And I am honestly not being provocative but why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner etc? I am in same house wIth separated partner. I can’t wait for this just to be over. And move on.
I can’t imagine inviting him to dinner next Christmas. But people do it. Is it the right thing to do? Why?
I suppose I’ve a year to get my head around it

I’m assuming this poster means it can be confusing for children, who may hope it means the it parents are getting back together?

I used to be a big fan of nesting, but apparently the research on this indicates it’s problematic for precisely this reason. It’s harder for kids to understand the separation is permanent and keeps them hoping their parents will get back together.

I can see this. H and I been seperated for 6 months, still living together until next year. On a day to day basis we get on fine. Been together 30 years, "kids" are early 20s. Had a normal ish Christmas, went to the pub as a family, went out for a meal yesterday as a family. Cooked and ate dinner together today. Bought each other gifts.

We don't want to stay together, too much said that can't be unsaid, too many things that annoy the tits off each other but I could see us doing Christmas again if it suited.

As said by PP, I don't want to sleep with him, deal with his skids etc and I'm really looking forward to being on my own. Sometimes I hate him, I don't love him but we make decent friends. I'd never see him alone for Christmas and vice versa.

There have been no affairs or abuse (as such) no issues with money etc. but very unkind things have been said and done and I will be happier single.

Because he's my friend and my children's father

Because we fell out of love and became friends who lived in the same house and shared a child. There wasn't a betrayal by affair or abuse. I can see where abuse is involved that this wouldn't be possible though.

I guess it all hinges in why you separated in the first place.

We have been split for 6 years so a lot of time and water has passed, but ultimately we were friends before we got together and we came out thebother side still friends.

Even though we are split, my dsc still see me and my house as part of their family even though they are 18 & 20 now. We did a huge family meal on boxing day last year, but after exfil died there was no way i was leaving him on his own.

It’s doesn’t have to be confusing for the children. It can just be a how their family is thing - mum and dad don’t live together, but sometimes you can all do something together. As with everything, you need to help your children understand.

I did, I don't regret it, but I m glad he s gone and we were both grating on each other's nerves by the end of the day.

I did it, so that kids had a Christmas day, and something different with access to both parents.

However, he is a clappy, happy, happy Xmas man child, who wants a magical Christmas to be magiced up. Reality isn't enough.

I did 80 % of the cooking and went out to walk the dog while he heated up soup and asked the kids to set the table. I returned to a grim table (cue me adding candles etc), chaos on the counter tops, I started tidying up. Generally it was a two person job to deliver a Christmas dinner to two teenagers. That's all fine.

Post dinner, kids played card games and boardgames, and chatted incessantly..... He became more and more agited and left an hour or so later. I tidied up.

During our Xmas day chat he mentioned how some people don't like Xmas, his family didn't like it when hosting for others,...... Lols..... I m the only in law. They are terrible hosts, nasty and rude. This was a sideways dig.

How I wish I valued myself more as a young girl. What a rude thing to say as I was hosting him..... There is a reason we are separated. They are THE most selfish, self absorbed people on the planet. So glad I don't have much to do with them on a day to day basis.

Added to all of the above, I ve been bereaved by an immediate family member at Xmas (doesn't sit well with his childish happy clappy expectations), and unfortunately it's happening again, but not quite as close this time around. I can't help that people due at this time if year. His preference would be for some of his alcoholic mates to call around. Not suitable with kids, but that's his idea of a good Christmas night, a good old knees up. I get it, but that's just not reality with children.

He is actually anxious about Xmas, and I have some hard challenges as well. So glad I don't have to share a house with him.

I can't help wondering sometimes, if people get along well, why they don't just stay married?
People can accept they're romantically incompatible or the relationship isn't working without thinking their ex is the biggest dickhead who they can't stand to be around and will only text if it's about the children.

If everyone gets on and the children aren't under the impression it's mum and dad getting back together, then why not?

We did this growing up. Mum and Dad had an amicable relationship after they split and it meant that neither parent had to have Christmas Day alone. To be honest, it seemed pretty normal and I never questioned it.

We do it and have done it today.
We didn't have the best of splits but we have always tried to be civil and friendly for the kids' sake. It hasn't been easy but we have both worked hard at it
Is it the right thing to do? I honestly don't know but it feels ok & the kids say they like it because they like to see both parents on Xmas Day.
They are getting older now so it definitely has a shelf life but I'm glad we can spend time together as a family and have a laugh.
But I appreciate it's not for everyone.

@Verysad1978 I know a few friends who have had ex husbands and separated spouses over at Christmas for years and it's all lovely. There are children, albeit grown up ones and it works....until it doesn't. Basically, the children get to the point where they then can't understand why their parents can't spend other times together, one person meets someone, the divorce gets nasty ... ...long term it doesn't seem to work. It's also really confusing, when I have been a guest the conversation is really hard because you don't want to bring up the past nor talk about the future so you end up talking about the news or something nebulous.

My separated Mum and Dad and his wife come to my house every Christmas. They get on really well and it's generally a lovely day.

Because sometimes family includes exes. Not all exes end badly. Many are amicable.

This, dh’s ex has been coming for Christmas dinner for 14 years now….

theyve been separated 17 years..I’ve been around 14….

I guess it depends how and why it ends. I ended my relationship with my ex because I wasn't happy, but I didn't hate her, we just weren't working as a couple anymore after 14 years.

However post-split I worked hard to make sure she would be okay, and transform our intimate relationship into friendship without misleading or giving any mixed signals. I'd been stepdad to the two children during that time, and effectively the youngest's only Dad. My relationship with them was fine, it was only with the ex it'd broken down. Parenting is easier they talk to each other, even when they're grown up as they are now.

So when the eldest daughter invites me, as she does every year, why not go? I think it's good, when it's possible that is, to demonstrate to the kids that relationship breakdowns can be done in a reasonable & grown up fashion

OP, I agree with you. It's very hard.

We did it for a few years, until ds2 was a teenager. Some years I even went to the in-laws as well!

But- there was no abuse of any kind in our marriage. When we separated we agreed that we would both work hard to stay friendly, for ds2's sake. I grew up with a Mum who was bitter, and nasty, about my Dad until the day she died, and it was horrible.

So XH and I are friendly enough, although not friends as such. We no longer have Christmas dinner with each other, but are certainly amicable enough to be able to spend time at ds2's important occasions without ruining his day.

That's what's important to us.

We do it, we're best friends and the kids love it.

My parents separated when I was 12 but remained relatively amicable, and my dad always came over on Christmas Day. (He only lived a few miles away). I suppose I took it for granted. He was there for present-opening and dinner. My maternal grandparents were usually there as well so it wasn't just two separated parents. When my dad later started a new relationship his partner often worked at Christmas.

I don't like it, I'm not going to lie. This need some people have to pretend to be a family unit, when they no longer are, I find strange. I know it's common, and would never comment unless asked, but this and still prioritising your 'family' over new partners I find uncomfortable. You separated for a reason, you don't share the same values and wants, otherwise you'd still be together. Forcing that into a family relationship that doesn't exist makes me uncomfortable

Nah, the kids love it.

So there is no argument over who has kids on Christmas Day

Why does it have to be 2 extremes.. either together or totally unsuited to each other. You can be best friends and awesome parents together, without the intimacy stuff. Why do you need to stop all contact? My kids would hate that.

@Onceuponaheartache lovely post. Not everyone can do it but when it works it's Brill. Glad you all had a lovely day.

I did it a few times, then my ex got a new partner. They had a child and then split up, now the two of them have Xmas dinner together! I am glad not to have to play happy families anymore as I have a lot of problems with the way my ex is parenting at the moment, and I prefer not to spend time around him.

So a bit of a tangent...if you're best friends and get on really well then isn't that more than what most people have in a marriage?
My personal view is that divorce is devastating it's an incredible pain isn't the best way to heal to avoid contact ?