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Original poster

Why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner?

177 replies

Verysad1978 · 25/12/2023 18:55

I saw this on another thread. And I am honestly not being provocative but why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner etc? I am in same house wIth separated partner. I can’t wait for this just to be over. And move on.
I can’t imagine inviting him to dinner next Christmas. But people do it. Is it the right thing to do? Why?
I suppose I’ve a year to get my head around it

OP posts:
Newtrix · 26/12/2023 21:33

My siblings and I are all in our 30s and my Dad comes to mum and stepdads for Christmas, and he & his partner come along to mums for all our birthday get togethers. It makes life lovely for us and the grandsons

AmazingDayz · 26/12/2023 21:51

The truth is it’s mums who don’t want to not spend Xmas without their children so they don’t want to alternate and would rather invite their ex round so they still get to be with their kids for Xmas so they don’t have to miss out not seeing them! Nothing “kind” about it just selfish reasons really

WaitingForMojo · 26/12/2023 22:19

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 11:56

@Usernamecreateddone I think the responses are really interesting too. I have a male friend who did this for one Christmas and the same for children's birthdays; the children were in their 20s. The issue became difficult when the children would invite him to every other family get togethers and he would feel no longer comfortable doing it. They had a very contested divorce and it all ended. Part of me thinks that if you leave a marriage part of it is also leaving family life. I know this is controversial but I also think that people leave marriages for reasons such as abuse, emotional abuse, affairs and some don't, they get bored and don't work at things, have unrealistic expectations, when children are older if they don't see the consequences of marriage breakdown and think it can be ended and everyone carries on before then it won't be a big deal ending relationships later in life.

What are ‘the consequences of marriage breakdown?’

There’s a bit of moralising here!

WaitingForMojo · 26/12/2023 22:20

AmazingDayz · 26/12/2023 21:51

The truth is it’s mums who don’t want to not spend Xmas without their children so they don’t want to alternate and would rather invite their ex round so they still get to be with their kids for Xmas so they don’t have to miss out not seeing them! Nothing “kind” about it just selfish reasons really

And the kids would prefer to have to choose between parents? and the dad would prefer alternate Christmases without his dc.

How selfish of the mums.

AmazingDayz · 26/12/2023 22:24

WaitingForMojo · 26/12/2023 22:20

And the kids would prefer to have to choose between parents? and the dad would prefer alternate Christmases without his dc.

How selfish of the mums.

Show quote history

That’s life once you decide to split! It’s not so the mums are doing the dad a favour, it’s so mum can control the situation.

supersonicginandtonic · 26/12/2023 22:45

@AmazingDayz actually for some of us it really isn't. I wouldn't mind a bit if my ex wanted them at Christmas. We just all enjoy it this way

AmazingDayz · 26/12/2023 23:11

Well that’s good for you but let’s be honest, 99% of single mums DONT want to spend Xmas without their kids so use their ex coming round to theirs for their own gain.

Notamaterlistictypeofwoman · 26/12/2023 23:14

@AmazingDayz Well I guess I fall under that 1 percent then considering I don't spend time with my son's dad on any occasion,I just think it confuses a child when they a younger.

AmazingDayz · 26/12/2023 23:26

I think it’s more confusing for kids spending Xmas with their mum and dad who have split up, I’ve seen women putting up with men who they don’t get on with at Xmas calling them names simply to spend Xmas with their kids, that’s not for the kids benefit, not at all.

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/12/2023 06:11

My ex comes for Christmas dinner, we still get on well and the kids like having everyone together at Christmas. They’re under no illusion that we’re still together. I think it’s important, if possible, to have a good coparenting relationship, for the kids to know you can both attend nativities, school prize giving, celebrate important days together without an atmosphere going forward.

I don’t want them wondering which parent to invite to their graduation or wedding because mum and dad can’t be in the same room together. Spending one day a year together is a small thing when you share children.

AltheaVestr1t · 27/12/2023 06:19

There is some absolute rubbish being spouted on this thread now.

YewandOak · 27/12/2023 06:43

My ex (not husband,we never married) gets invited for Christmas Day lunch because we're friends and like each other. We split up when son was a baby as we agreed we were better as friends. We've always been there for each other if needed.
It works for us,it's not for everyone.

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2023 07:04

It’s a personal decision. My friend and her ex are still friends but they have both worked hard for that to happen (I’m in awe of them). I personally couldn’t think of anything more awkward and urgh.

harerunner · 27/12/2023 07:07

Livelifelaughter · 25/12/2023 21:41

So a bit of a tangent...if you're best friends and get on really well then isn't that more than what most people have in a marriage?
My personal view is that divorce is devastating it's an incredible pain isn't the best way to heal to avoid contact ?

I don't think many separated couples who still meet at Christmas are "best friends". But just because they're not best friends, doesn't mean they're worst enemies!

I'm struck by how some posters seem incapable of understanding nuance in relationships, and how's things either have to be great or shit... no middle ground.

I had a pre-Christmas meal on the Saturday before Christmas with my ex and our teenage kids - it was fine and we all had a good evening. People generally don't need to be best friends or lovers with someone to enjoy a civilised and pleasant meal!

harerunner · 27/12/2023 07:20

@Usernamecreateddone

No i didn't mean that. I'm wondering if we want it all....in love, lust, 'like it was when we first met' etc when perhaps settling into a deep love which is less about butterflies in the stomach is a more solid marriage.

From my own experience, people generally don't leave non-abusive long term relationships because they are dissatisfied with the lack of novelty and butterflies amongst the "deep love" of their "solid marriages"! It's because any deep love has eroded over time, and their marriages have become really unhappy!

fluffyduvetcover · 27/12/2023 08:19

My exh travelled 100 miles every Christmas to spend the day with our children and me. It was what we chose to do from when we separated even though he had a new partner. ( I had no partner living in the home or who was involved with the children)
We didn't use solicitors to divorce either and he saw the children twice a week when he wasn't working travelling down to our town and usually taking them out for dinner. I stayed in the family home and bought him out eventually as he wanted this for the children.
I think it's actually good role modelling to children if you can manage it. Maybe an early lesson that you can finish a relationship / friendship but don't need animosity. Obviously wouldn't work if there had been DV.
Once the children had left home and were adults it obviously stopped

Didsomeonesaydogs · 27/12/2023 08:42

I’ve been separated for just over a year so this was my 2nd Christmas without STBXH. Kids are 20 and 21. Last year we had one each, DD wasn’t talking to STBXH and DS didn’t want him to be on his own.

He was angling for an invite this year “for the kids” but I didn’t bite, he can go spend it with his affair partner of five years who he blew up our lives for and is still with.

I’ve spent enough Christmases trying to make everything perfect for him, and having to deal with a festering undercurrent of disapproval quietly killing the vibe.

I only want to spend Christmas with people who make me their first choice. You don’t get to cherrypick the parts of family life you want to continue to be a part of once you’ve upended everyone’s lives.

I’m not allowing myself to be treated as a placeholder until something better comes along for him anymore.

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 08:52

I don’t see anything particularly wrong with that if the split was amicable and the extended family are not set to punish the ex for being an ex.

I have seen more damage caused to families where a family member(s) thinks that when it comes to inter family relations, there should be an absolute clean break from the ex and whoever was in good terms with them even if the split was amicable.

Livelifelaughter · 27/12/2023 08:54

No moralising at all....I had a divorce, it was devastating, it sent me into depression. That's a consequence of marriage breakdown. It's a very big deal and it should be.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2023 08:55

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 25/12/2023 18:57

We have kids together. I’m hoping next year my ex and his partner and her child come to mine. It will be lovely. This year he has the kids and it made me sad.

So this year he took the kids and left you alone but next year you're inviting them all? You're a better woman than me

AppleChristsBirthdayMacchiato · 27/12/2023 10:57

Some of these comments are so ignorant and judgy, the typical "I can't imagine anyone not being exactly the same as me and living the exact same lifestyle as me" Mumsnet mentality.

My parents divorced when I was 12, and died when I was about 30, and they were very good friends and got on very well for the rest of their lives after the divorce and would go to a coffee shop to exchange presents on each others' birthdays every year. Definitely neither of them had feelings for each other, neither of them had any interest in getting back together, it certainly wasn't some "selfish woman daring to want to be with her own child" thing since I was an adult (and often not even there), and I didn't find it confusing in the slightest, I thought it was nice that they were able to be friends and I never regarded it as playing happy families or confusing.

Obviously if there's been any form of abuse or if you hate each other then of course not, and I wouldn't expect anyone to hang out with someone who cheated on them either. Most marriages so break down because someone has behaved badly or because there's bitterness, so most couples aren't going to still be friends and that's fine. No one should be expected or pressured to stay friends with an ex.

But for people like my parents, who got on extremely well and liked each other, no abuse or cheating, just a severe fundamental personality difference that meant they couldn't be married to or live with each other, there's no reason not to be friends.

ladygindiva · 27/12/2023 11:00

paisley256 · 25/12/2023 19:00

Cos we're still good friends and the kids love seeing him at Christmas, so it makes perfect sense to us.

Yeah, this

CurlewKate · 27/12/2023 11:01

One year my brother had two ex wives and one of their new husbands for Christmas dinner and all 5 of their children....

MysweetAudrina · 27/12/2023 11:06

Mine has come for Christmas dinner since the year I married my current DH. So this was his 19th year. He makes and brings a trifle as his contribution. I invited my dh's ex this year as my SDs are abroad travelling and I didn't like to think of her alone and I wanted my SDs not to feel that she was alone. It's possible to get on well with exes and include them on special occasions. My parents are also separated around 12 years but travel together to my home for Christmas every year. There is never any drama or negativity. Everyone is just grateful to have made it through another year and get together to celebrate. My ds30 says that it is one of his favourite things, how he has spent every Christmas with me and his Dad and never had to choose.

Disturbia81 · 27/12/2023 11:27

MysweetAudrina · 27/12/2023 11:06

Mine has come for Christmas dinner since the year I married my current DH. So this was his 19th year. He makes and brings a trifle as his contribution. I invited my dh's ex this year as my SDs are abroad travelling and I didn't like to think of her alone and I wanted my SDs not to feel that she was alone. It's possible to get on well with exes and include them on special occasions. My parents are also separated around 12 years but travel together to my home for Christmas every year. There is never any drama or negativity. Everyone is just grateful to have made it through another year and get together to celebrate. My ds30 says that it is one of his favourite things, how he has spent every Christmas with me and his Dad and never had to choose.

🖤