Page 5 | Why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner?

Whatonearth2021 · 26/12/2023 01:38

Why would you say that? My ex was over today and the kids were over the moon

FreshWinterMorning · 26/12/2023 07:16

I have no opinion really @Verysad1978 as I can't imagine what it's like to have an ex at all, let alone spend Christmas with them. I've never actually broken up with anyone properly. I've not had any long-term relationship before DH, (who I have been with for around 30 years.) I only had four boyfriends before him that lasted about three to six weeks .. And that was in my late teens/early 20s. None of them meant much to me, and I didn't care when we split.

I know a woman right now who's in her late 40s and who's got two teenage children, and had been married 22 years when her husband left her around early to mid 2022 for another woman. He left her in their social housing property with their two children. Didn't give her any money or anything, and she was left to cope alone, scratching around for extra hours to try and pay the rent and bills, and feed and clothe the kids.

Last Christmas he was with his other woman - while she had to get into debt to buy some presents for the kids. Come spring this year, she met a man who is actually quite well off. He treats her a lot, takes her for meals, takes her on holidays abroad, spends money on the kids, and thinks the world of her - and her kids. He is divorced himself after 17 years. Ex wife left him for another man 6 years ago, moved away. Never had any children.

Anyway, come August/September this year - her husband's other woman left him/threw him out and he is housesharing at the moment with 3 other men, just has a bedroom to himself. The other woman actually contacted this woman I know and said, 'will you have him back?' She said, 'yeah, right. Sure I'll have him back!' 😆 LOL as if!!! Her new man is 100X better. She'd actually managed to get her ex's name off the tenancy - and it was all in her name now and she refused to have him back ...

Nevertheless, her kids were so upset that their dad was going to be on his own this Christmas. He has only got a brother that he doesn't speak to and his parents have passed away ... So she let him come and spend Christmas with her and the kids and her new man! So not only is this a woman having her ex around, but her new man is there. Her ex is staying 3 days! It was actually her new man's idea too! For her ex to come! 'Did it for the kids' he said.

But yeah tl;dr some people do still get on once the dust has settled. I doubt she would have had him anywhere near if she had not met her new man though!

MySugarBabyLove · 26/12/2023 07:30

Usernamecreateddone · 25/12/2023 19:10

I can't help wondering sometimes, if people get along well, why they don't just stay married? I mean my ex is an absolute dick, so I left him. If he wasn't, I wouldn't have done.
Probably an unpopular opinion but I've had a couple of drinks!

you can still be amicable with Simeon without feeling a romantic connection.

some people are just better off apart. Doesn’t mean they have to hate each other.

I have plenty of male friends I wouldn’t want to sleep with, I don’t see why an ex should be any different.

LolaSmiles · 26/12/2023 07:59

It's great reading so many positive posts about healthy friendships following amicable splits, especially where two parents can move on with someone they're compatible with and still enjoy each others' company with their children and new spouses.

Usernamecreateddone · 26/12/2023 11:25

Interesting mix of responses. I have been thinking about it. I have male friends, some of whom i have had sexual relationships with in the past, and I can easily see myself enjoying Christmas with them. I suppose (at the risk of sounding like my mother!) I feel that once children are involved, you'd (one) would not leave a relationship with someone purely due to 'loving them but not being in love with them'. For me, my children's father was/is not a great person to be around and so we remain very much apart. I can imagine ever wanting to be amicable beyond the necessary co-parenting if an ex had cheated. For me that's unforgivable.
It's always interesting reading different views though, so I'm glad @Verysad1978 raised the question.

StragglyTinsel · 26/12/2023 11:36

It’s not about ‘playing happy families’.

But it is the child(ren)’s family. Their mum and their dad. If they don’t have to cleave their entire life in two, and can have a Christmas Day with both their parents involved, that can be great. it doesn’t have to fuel hope that their parents will get back together. Maybe it just helps make having separated parents easier.

Lots of people invite extended family members they don’t actually like much over at Christmas. Is that ‘playing happy families’ too?

AltheaVestr1t · 26/12/2023 11:51

Neither me or XH has a new partner which I'm sure would complicate matters. And I'm not sure what we'll do in future years. Our breakup is recent and the aim this year was to make the transition as seamless for the kids as possible. DD13 said to me yesterday evening that she had had the best Christmas ever, so I consider that a huge success.

Some posters here seem very judgemental, and I'm not sure quite why the set up justifies such an extreme reaction. Happy kids are surely the best outcome to any Christmas Day?

Me and the kids are decamping to my house today and I'm looking forward to going home, it has to be said! XH has been invited to eat cheese and watch a film this evening, but I imagine he'll go to the pub instead.

ClareBlue · 26/12/2023 11:55

Gettingbysomehow · 25/12/2023 19:35

Bloody hell. I can only imagine the atmosphere if my two ex husbands were here for Christmas. Id probably attempt to poison the pair of them.

Yes, it probably gets more complicated if there are a few ex husbands and partners to invite. Table seating plan could take hours to get right.😂

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 11:56

@Usernamecreateddone I think the responses are really interesting too. I have a male friend who did this for one Christmas and the same for children's birthdays; the children were in their 20s. The issue became difficult when the children would invite him to every other family get togethers and he would feel no longer comfortable doing it. They had a very contested divorce and it all ended. Part of me thinks that if you leave a marriage part of it is also leaving family life. I know this is controversial but I also think that people leave marriages for reasons such as abuse, emotional abuse, affairs and some don't, they get bored and don't work at things, have unrealistic expectations, when children are older if they don't see the consequences of marriage breakdown and think it can be ended and everyone carries on before then it won't be a big deal ending relationships later in life.

betrayedandwobbly · 26/12/2023 12:02

It's easier if you've been separated/divorced a long time. Then it can work v well, it's only hosting an overnight guest 1 or 2 nights over Christmas, and maybe having them round for the odd birthday or other celebration. And that's nothing like co-habiting in the early days of separation before new lives are fully worked out, or indeed spending time en famille when the split is still relatively new and people are not yet secure in their new lives.

It all takes time to find a new equilibrium, and perhaps for some there is too much history to make it ever possible or even desirable. But I think it can be a pretty good choice. And when it works, I think it is nice for the DC

FallingStar21 · 26/12/2023 12:06

Verysad1978 · 25/12/2023 18:55

I saw this on another thread. And I am honestly not being provocative but why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner etc? I am in same house wIth separated partner. I can’t wait for this just to be over. And move on.
I can’t imagine inviting him to dinner next Christmas. But people do it. Is it the right thing to do? Why?
I suppose I’ve a year to get my head around it

YANBU OP, just yesterday there was a thread by an OP who was so upset she got no gifts under the tree. Turns out she'd invited her ex and ex in laws (who probably only came to see DC/GC).

gannett · 26/12/2023 12:18

Verysad1978 · 25/12/2023 18:55

I saw this on another thread. And I am honestly not being provocative but why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner etc? I am in same house wIth separated partner. I can’t wait for this just to be over. And move on.
I can’t imagine inviting him to dinner next Christmas. But people do it. Is it the right thing to do? Why?
I suppose I’ve a year to get my head around it

Well every break-up is different and every ex is different. It's OK for you if you don't want to do it ever but it's not weird for others to have had more amicable separations. You just have to navigate your individual situation.

roarrfeckingroar · 26/12/2023 12:21

Because there is no chance I am spending a Christmas without my children until they're adults. So I invite him.

Porageeater · 26/12/2023 12:23

I was a young adult when my parents split but we still did the odd family thing together including Christmas dinner. They had been leading separate lives for a long time and continued to function similarly but just living in different houses. All fairly amicable. It’s going to be different in every situation though.

Yert · 26/12/2023 12:35

This didn’t work out well for me at all. I invited my ex to stay over the night before Xmas so he could be there when our DC opened the presents and then hang around all morning. It was the first Xmas after we had split up so been apart for about 5 months. I was seeing someone else but early days and they accepted the situation and had never met my DC in any case. Separate rooms but he came into mine and was all upset. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. It made me feel awful as I had cheated on my new partner and had to tell them so that ended. My ex behaved like a complete arse the next day and left straight after DC had opened presents. I’ve never done it again.

roarrfeckingroar · 26/12/2023 12:42

Notamaterlistictypeofwoman · 25/12/2023 19:15

I think it all boils down to still having feelings for eachother tbh .There is a difference between being civilised with eachother / co parenting , doesn't mean you all have to go around eachother houses on festive seasons /birthdays just to play "happy families" ,I hate when people use kids for this is reason why too.

Absolutely not! I do not have residual romantic feelings, not in the slightest. I like him as a person most of the time and I appreciate what a good parent he is.

But I care very much about my children's feelings and I wouldn't want anyone to be sad and alone at Christmas.

We haven't met new people but I hope we can continue to get on when we do.

AltheaVestr1t · 26/12/2023 13:24

Livelifelaughter · 26/12/2023 11:56

@Usernamecreateddone I think the responses are really interesting too. I have a male friend who did this for one Christmas and the same for children's birthdays; the children were in their 20s. The issue became difficult when the children would invite him to every other family get togethers and he would feel no longer comfortable doing it. They had a very contested divorce and it all ended. Part of me thinks that if you leave a marriage part of it is also leaving family life. I know this is controversial but I also think that people leave marriages for reasons such as abuse, emotional abuse, affairs and some don't, they get bored and don't work at things, have unrealistic expectations, when children are older if they don't see the consequences of marriage breakdown and think it can be ended and everyone carries on before then it won't be a big deal ending relationships later in life.

I was with XH for 23 years, I don't think I can be accused of not working at things. I didn't get bored, i was no longer in love and we had grown in different ways. I was emotionally unsatisfied and had lost all desire for intimacy. There's no 'grass is greener', I didn't leave for someone else, I am financially greatly the worse off for leaving. Ultimately I realised that the relationship had ran its course and was holding both me and XH back from living a full life.

But i can't imagine me turning around to XH and saying, 'no I decline your invitation to spend Christmas with our children, I don't have anything else on, I just don't want them to get confused about the meaning of separation and divorce'.

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 13:37

betrayedandwobbly · 26/12/2023 12:02

It's easier if you've been separated/divorced a long time. Then it can work v well, it's only hosting an overnight guest 1 or 2 nights over Christmas, and maybe having them round for the odd birthday or other celebration. And that's nothing like co-habiting in the early days of separation before new lives are fully worked out, or indeed spending time en famille when the split is still relatively new and people are not yet secure in their new lives.

It all takes time to find a new equilibrium, and perhaps for some there is too much history to make it ever possible or even desirable. But I think it can be a pretty good choice. And when it works, I think it is nice for the DC

Nah we did it straight away and all good.

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 13:38

Usernamecreateddone · 26/12/2023 11:25

Interesting mix of responses. I have been thinking about it. I have male friends, some of whom i have had sexual relationships with in the past, and I can easily see myself enjoying Christmas with them. I suppose (at the risk of sounding like my mother!) I feel that once children are involved, you'd (one) would not leave a relationship with someone purely due to 'loving them but not being in love with them'. For me, my children's father was/is not a great person to be around and so we remain very much apart. I can imagine ever wanting to be amicable beyond the necessary co-parenting if an ex had cheated. For me that's unforgivable.
It's always interesting reading different views though, so I'm glad @Verysad1978 raised the question.

So parents should stay unhappy with someone?

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 13:45

Livelifelaughter · 25/12/2023 21:41

So a bit of a tangent...if you're best friends and get on really well then isn't that more than what most people have in a marriage?
My personal view is that divorce is devastating it's an incredible pain isn't the best way to heal to avoid contact ?

Being in a marriage/long term relationship with someone who you are best friends with without all the intimacy/attraction is not good. I felt trapped having expectations on me, felt lost, felt like living half a life. Why shouldn't people be allowed to feel?

AltheaVestr1t · 26/12/2023 13:57

'Living half a life' is exactly what it felt like for me too. It was a very, very difficult decision, because I care about my children very much, and I care about XH too, he has been my constant companion since I was 22. But it needed to be done and I have no regrets.

And my kids have adapted incredibly well. They have bounced back really quickly. And I'm 100% sure that this is a direct consequence of XH and I co-parenting so effectively, still spending time as a family unit, and showing the children that there is no bitterness or animosity on either side.

Usernamecreateddone · 26/12/2023 14:05

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 13:38

So parents should stay unhappy with someone?

Show quote history

No i didn't mean that. I'm wondering if we want it all....in love, lust, 'like it was when we first met' etc when perhaps settling into a deep love which is less about butterflies in the stomach is a more solid marriage. I was thinking out loud really. As said, interesting perspectives from everyone. I posted earlier as well, my slightly drunken (at the time) notion being that if you like someone enough to spend lots of time with them, why separate in the first place. And if you dislike them enough to separate, why would you want to spend time with them .

But I know better now 🥂

henrysugar12 · 26/12/2023 14:15

My partner spends almost a week every Xmas staying at his ex's place so he can spend time with his child. I don't like it one bit and it seems weird that they are playing happy families. But as his child refuses to come to stay with us, it's the only way he gets to see them.
I couldn't think of anything worse than spending a week with my ex!!! But then I make my child spend time with their father, rather than telling them they don't need to go.

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2023 14:34

AltheaVestr1t · 26/12/2023 13:57

'Living half a life' is exactly what it felt like for me too. It was a very, very difficult decision, because I care about my children very much, and I care about XH too, he has been my constant companion since I was 22. But it needed to be done and I have no regrets.

And my kids have adapted incredibly well. They have bounced back really quickly. And I'm 100% sure that this is a direct consequence of XH and I co-parenting so effectively, still spending time as a family unit, and showing the children that there is no bitterness or animosity on either side.

Exactly my experience too. There are many levels between Married/long term and Bitterly separated. And thank god there are.
I've witnessed far too many of the older generation stay in marriages they didn't want to be in. And then they've died.
I've witnessed too many younger people die.
Life is short!
You can really love someone as a friend but not be intertwined completely in their life and share intimacy.
You can want the best for each other, want the kids to see happiness and good vibes.
Happy parents spreads to the kids

Shutthefookup · 26/12/2023 15:17

Christmas is about children, putting differences aside, making the effort for the victims of divorce and yes it is the children who usually suffer the fall out when their parents split.

My daughter, with a large family of her own often looks back and praises both her father and I for how we managed to coparent her and her siblings in such a civilised manner when we divorced.

My ex came for Christmas, even when I remarried as it wouldn't have been fair on him or my DC to miss out.

Amazingly it was only once he remarried when they were adults that sadly new wife has done all she can to alienate him from them. ExH's wife hated that we all got on well despite divorce. She made it very clear our children are not welcome at their house so their dad visits them alone at their respective homes. Little wonder our joint DC refer to her as 'WS' (wicked stepmother).