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Original poster

Why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner?

177 replies

Verysad1978 · 25/12/2023 18:55

I saw this on another thread. And I am honestly not being provocative but why do people invite ex husbands to Christmas dinner etc? I am in same house wIth separated partner. I can’t wait for this just to be over. And move on.
I can’t imagine inviting him to dinner next Christmas. But people do it. Is it the right thing to do? Why?
I suppose I’ve a year to get my head around it

OP posts:
littlebopeep1991 · 25/12/2023 21:43

I'm in my thirties and my dad still comes for Xmas dinner with my mum and has done for the last 15 odd years. They've been split for much longer but he had parents etc yo go to before but they are all dead now.

As a child of split parents it makes my life much easier and relieves the stress of leaving a parent alone for the day.

Amaura · 25/12/2023 21:47

This time last year me and DH had just split up but not told the kids. It was horrible

this year, we’ve just spent the day together, we are best friends but not lovers, more like siblings. We’re both in new relationships but not long enough for the children to spend the day with them. We’ve been able to pool money on gifts and food and given the children the same Christmas routine they’ve always had.

we broke up, because we knew marriage was more than being good friends, we deserved happiness in a partnership where needs are met and children needed a better role model. If we’d agreed that just being friends was enough for either of us, then so be it, but that wasn’t for us.

children aren’t confused and have seen us have call with both our new partners and they can also see that we were both happier but importantly better parents now we’re separate

MontgomeryClift · 25/12/2023 21:58

Livelifelaughter · 25/12/2023 21:41

So a bit of a tangent...if you're best friends and get on really well then isn't that more than what most people have in a marriage?
My personal view is that divorce is devastating it's an incredible pain isn't the best way to heal to avoid contact ?

Because I don't fancy him anymore and he'd drive me up the wall if we lived together.

I think of him in a fraternal way.

MontgomeryClift · 25/12/2023 21:59

It's our first Christmas we've not spent together in the 10 years after we split up.

WaitingForMojo · 25/12/2023 22:08

Notamaterlistictypeofwoman · 25/12/2023 19:05

Merry Christmas everyone....Back to the topic I personally think there is a reason why they are called ex regardless whether or not you have kids together,it seems very fake to invite them over for festive seasons,I could understand if they were older children they understand more though

It’s not fake, if you’re friends and co-parents. It’s not like we can’t stand each other. We just don’t want to be married to each other. There are lots of people I don’t want to be married to who I quite like spending a day with.

It depends on the relationship you have with the ex. For us, it works and it’s best for the children. We also go on holiday together.

Redcliffe1 · 25/12/2023 22:09

I've had a great Christmas day at my exs with our two kids. I don't think it's confusing for them and we value that we can do this.

Onceuponaheartache · 25/12/2023 22:12

Livelifelaughter · 25/12/2023 21:41

So a bit of a tangent...if you're best friends and get on really well then isn't that more than what most people have in a marriage?
My personal view is that divorce is devastating it's an incredible pain isn't the best way to heal to avoid contact ?

Depends entirely on what caused the divorce surely?

As above for me it was simply we stopped being in love. We were just mates. No pain. No anguish. Also, no contact isn't an option when you have kids.

at the end of the day, i left him not his kids. My dsc will always mean the world to me. They are dd's family, they were my family and still are. We do various things together. All 3 kids sat with me at their granddads funeral, we sat behind their dad and i drove him to the wake. I supported him in the days following his dad's death. We are a family albeit not a traditional one.

It was important for dd to know that her dad wasn't alone. He literally has no one else. My DP was the one who said it first after seeing how sad dd was at the idea of her dad being alone. He will be at our wedding reception next year too.

WaitingForMojo · 25/12/2023 22:12

ancientnames · 25/12/2023 19:54

I’m assuming this poster means it can be confusing for children, who may hope it means the it parents are getting back together?

I used to be a big fan of nesting, but apparently the research on this indicates it’s problematic for precisely this reason. It’s harder for kids to understand the separation is permanent and keeps them hoping their parents will get back together.

Show quote history

I don’t think our kids are hoping that after many years. They also don’t want us back together.

Saggypants · 25/12/2023 22:23

My XH always found a way to make Christmas miserable for everyone, so it's been an absolute delight forging new traditions with just me and my kids.

While there was always willingness on my part to make sure we both spent time with the kids separately, he mostly can't get his shit together to organise anything and the kids (now grown) aren't that fussed to see him anyway.

WaitingForMojo · 25/12/2023 22:24

MontgomeryClift · 25/12/2023 21:58

Because I don't fancy him anymore and he'd drive me up the wall if we lived together.

I think of him in a fraternal way.

Show quote history

Me too.

And our divorce wasn’t devastating. It was as amicable and positive as it ever could have been.

decionsdecisions62 · 25/12/2023 22:36

Cos they still get along without being arseholes and the kids like it.

Theunamedcat · 25/12/2023 22:36

Tried it once with my first ex he was ridiculous sat on his arse told dd he bought the gifts when he most certainly didn't demanded I make him seperate food because he didn't like what I cooked never again

Second ex we were supposed to alternate made it one year he took them to his mums she promptly burned the baby (she microwaved the food and gave it to him and burned his mouth) they then dropped him off claiming no knowledge of why he was crying and claimed he was teething and they didn't have calpol to give him big brother told me what happened and that they had given him calpol luckily no major damage done but it was the first and last time they spent Christmas day there

Askmeanything1 · 25/12/2023 22:38

If things are amicable I can't see how it's anything but a good thing for children. I don't get why they have to live two entirely different lives if they don't need to.

Theunamedcat · 25/12/2023 22:43

Also my younger two dont like how dad acts around me makes them feel uncomfortable he is nasty but pretends he is joking even when we had covid he popped over to drop off gifts he was there saying so your mom won't let you come to me I've had to come all the way over here and she won't let me hug you ds1 pointed out they had covid (so she says hahaha) I haven't seen proof she won't send me proof you KNOW what she is like honestly I wouldn't have minded them going with him if he really felt like that but he lived with someone with leukemia at the time

It's horrific to hear your child try to defend you to their other parent

RedRosie · 25/12/2023 22:48

I think it can mean a lot to small children to have their family together. My husband did this (including with me and her own new partner) with his ex-wife and my DSC when they were little (all grown up now). It meant the world to them.

Radiodread · 25/12/2023 22:54

I’d have done this if my ex was an amicable, friendly sort, but he argues with his own shadow/ one of our mutual kids and would ruin things. I think it’s an ideal set up, if you can have everyone genuinely happily round the table. Any tensions, even slight, and it’s a hard no.

DinaofCloud9 · 25/12/2023 23:14

SD1978 · 25/12/2023 21:29

I don't like it, I'm not going to lie. This need some people have to pretend to be a family unit, when they no longer are, I find strange. I know it's common, and would never comment unless asked, but this and still prioritising your 'family' over new partners I find uncomfortable. You separated for a reason, you don't share the same values and wants, otherwise you'd still be together. Forcing that into a family relationship that doesn't exist makes me uncomfortable

It's a few hours for one day a year.

ReignOfError · 25/12/2023 23:26

I had breakfast with my ex-husband and his wife (and my husband) today.

We’ve been divorced for nearly 40 years, and since the first year, we’ve generally spent some time together at Christmas. In the early days it was Christmas morning to see the kids open their presents, and in later years sometimes for meals, or just at various family parties.

Now our kids are adults with their own children, they obviously still like seeing us both at some time over Christmas, and it often works out easiest for all of us if it’s together.

cheeseandbranston · 25/12/2023 23:35

My break up was very unfun and hard won. But we've spent every Christmas together since because I am just not prepared to not spend Xmas day with my kids. We've got to the stage now where it's relaxed and nice.

The kids said today how much they'd hate doing every other year. They just want to be with both parents on Christmas Day.

MySecret21 · 25/12/2023 23:47

My sister split with her children’s father about 10 years ago and they still have Christmas dinner together each year as it’s nice for their children.

My parents have been divorced for 35 years and my dad still comes to my mom’s house for Christmas dinner 😂

MyLibrarywasdukedomlargeenough · 25/12/2023 23:51

PIL did this till FIL died so had about 15 Christmas with FIL and MIL together. Trouble is that whilst not much was said there was an underlying tension and MIL who is one of life’s great eccentrics and that is being kind was obviously so stressed that her behaviour was really weird. After an awful MC between Christmas and New Year I refused Christmas with them together, he died about 5 years later. He moved overseas anyway which was handy. They divorced when DH was 18 and off to University. So they had been broken up for a decade before I met them and DH was 28. MIL is one life’s great tragedies of a woman that wastes their lives because they think they should be together for the sake of the kids. She was driven to a sort of low level madness because of anxiety that remains and has an eating disorder, not diagnosed but very obvious.

So in that case an awful decision.

BigPussyEnergy · 25/12/2023 23:58

If my XH was in the Uk he’d have been here for the day. In previous years it’s been me, XH, my DP and his XW, her family and all our DCs!

This year I took my DCs out and XH sent the money to pay for it as he can’t be here. Not all exes are dicks.

Starryskies1 · 26/12/2023 00:13

Last year we did Xmas day together first year separated. This year we will do Christmas dinner etc together a few days after Xmas. Purely because the kids appreciate it. Would I rather not probably but the kids come first. It won’t last for every year it’s just while they are young enough. Plus they miss the previous traditions from when we were together.

Copperoliverbear · 26/12/2023 00:16

It's nice to get along if you can. X

MamaMode · 26/12/2023 00:57

Im early 40s....my parents divorced 20 years ago, but my dad still attends Christmas dinner at my mums house every year🤣
I think it's the idea that all his children and grandchildren will all be there on the day. There were obvs a few years in the early divorce where this wasn't the case as things were still raw between them, but now they have become friends in older age so don't seem negatively bothered by each others presence. I guess time can be a healer somewhat.