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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hit him first?

144 replies

UnhappySim · 16/03/2008 11:07

I have been married for two years.

Last night me and DH were arguing, he was stood up and I was sitting on the bed.

All of a sudden he lost his temper and dived on me, pinning me to the bed and shouting in my face.

As soon as this happened I went into 'defence mode' and kicked him in the groin, as he loosened his grip on me I then punched him in the face. (It didn't seen like he felt that very much though).

I then got up from the bed and ran downstairs. I was upset by what I'd done as I 'didn't mean to'. I know how stupid that sounds, you don't kick someone by accident but I've been doing jujitsu for the past 3 years and escaping from ground pins are something we practice every now and again. I didn't think about it, I just went into defence mode and acted instictively. It's not as if I thought to myself "I know, I'll do that thing on him that we practice at jujitsu..." I honestly didnt think at all.

Anyway, a few minutes later I heard his heavy footsteps come charging down the stairs, the urgency in his step made me brace myself again and then the door burst open, he grabbed me by the throat and then slammed me against the wall. Obviously learning his lesson from last time he pushed up close against me so I couldn't do anything to him and he said "If you ever do anything like that to me again, I'll beat you black and blue". He then left the house.

My mind is all over the place, I know I hit him first but in a way it was kind of self defense but he never actually hit me at all...therefore I was the violent one? Therefore did he have the right to threaten me in temper?

He's NEVER been violent before, I always said if a man was ever violent towards me I'd leave but I always imagined it to be a straight foward hit, this is complicated and I'm not sure if I'm more in the wrong than he is

OP posts:
GerrardWinstanley · 16/03/2008 11:11

hitting isn't the only form of violence. He was the first to make your argument physical. You were afraid and you defended yourself.

It sounds like he is doing a good job of making you blame yourself for his violence and aggression.

I would never let him in the house again.

avenanap · 16/03/2008 11:12

what you did was an automatic response because you were feeling threatened by his behaviour and you were defending yourself. You were not being violent towards him. If you let him get away with this then things could get worse. What he did to you was assault, to tell someone you are going to hit them is assault even if it is not done because it has caused fear. He needs some anger management if you choose to stay.

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:12

I think it took an amazing amount of restraint for him NOT to hit you back!

GerrardWinstanley · 16/03/2008 11:15

pity he couldn't restrain himself from grabbing the OP by the throat in the first place.

Do NOT acept this behaviour. If you do it will get worse.

VictorianSqualor · 16/03/2008 11:17

You were defending yourself, after he had you pinned down, it was him that made the argument physical.
Your reaction, if only to escape and make yourself safe, was understandable, if you could have got away without the punch then I think you may have gone OTT.
But either way, he shouldn't have pinned you down.

BrothelSprouts · 16/03/2008 11:17

"All of a sudden he lost his temper and dived on me, pinning me to the bed and shouting in my face".

"All of a sudden he lost his temper and dived on me, pinning me to the bed and shouting in my face".

I would not be sharing a house with this man until he has completed an anger-management course.

The fact that he threatened you with future violence is very worrying.

No, you shouldn't have kicked him and punched him.

But if he hadn't been physically aggressive first, you wouldn't have needed to.

Is there someone he can stay with until he has spoken to the GP about some counselling?

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:18

But she was violent first.

Violence begets violence. He was never violent before.

BrothelSprouts · 16/03/2008 11:18

Sorry, second quote should have been

"If you ever do anything like that to me again, I'll beat you black and blue".

BrothelSprouts · 16/03/2008 11:19

He pinned her to the bed and shouted in her face, Dabbles.

That is an act of aggression.

And he has threatened her with more violence in the future.

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:19

You can't expect him to do a anger management course when he was provoked into being aggressive... ffs. you lot are going way ott.

VictorianSqualor · 16/03/2008 11:20

Dabbles, he had ehr pinned down to the bed, he was violent first.

SparklyGothKat · 16/03/2008 11:20

so dabbles , pining someone down isn't violent?

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:20

Is this even a regular poster? sounds a bit like a journo to me...

wildwoman · 16/03/2008 11:21

wtf?they were arguing and he pounced on her and pinned her to the bed...was she supposed to make soothing noises until his tantrum ended. Provoked into aggression my arse.

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:22

He didnt hit her though.

This is not a btttered woman, or a victim of domestic violence, this is a one off occasion where SHE was violent, yes he was aggressive, but she hit him. Many MANY men woudl have HIT her back if kicked in groin or punched in face, almost as an automatic response, he deserves CREDIT for not doing that!

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:22
  • excuse spelling was typing fast!
BrothelSprouts · 16/03/2008 11:22

Why are you being so chippy on this thread, Dabbles?
I genuinely don't understand.

wildwoman · 16/03/2008 11:22

and credit for threatening to beat her blackand blue?

MissyTheFlouncer · 16/03/2008 11:23

i would have reacted the same as you, my dh and i often playfight

i dont think what you did was unfair you protected yourself by instinct especially as you have learnt that for the last 3 years

im shocked he threatened you like that he must have been very angry and shocked to

GerrardWinstanley · 16/03/2008 11:24

unhappysim, what is the background here? Has been violent or aggressive in the past?

If this is totally out of character for him, has something changed recently.

If someone pinned my down by the throat I would also kick and punch to get free of them and I would consider them the aggressor.

BrothelSprouts · 16/03/2008 11:24

UnhappySim - are you still there?
I hope you've found some useful advice on this thread.
Please keep posting if you need to.

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:25

I just think that there is no need to over react.

she said HE has never been violent before.

avenanap · 16/03/2008 11:25

Pinning her to the bed was going to far, this would have made her feel threatened, she did what she needed to do to get away, I would have done exactly the same. He was not provoked, he should have realised that he had gone to far when she hit him and ran off. It was him that went after her and threatened her. This was his choice, he acted out of anger and this should not be tolerated. Do you get this Dabbles?

BoysOnToast · 16/03/2008 11:25

well whatever happens, one thing you cant do is sweep it under the carpet and hope it'll go away.

if you acted instinctively, then your instinct must have felt v threatened by his behaviour. which suggests that his jumping on you, pinning you down and yelling into your face was suggestive of further violence. it sounds like it was to me (but its what YOU feel that matters here).

you need to talk. and you need to work out if he would ever have taken it to violence had you not defended yourself. the 'black and bvlue' comment is parhaps understandabvle given the shock and pain hed have been in, esp if he wouldnt have dreamt hed ever hit you... but tis v v worrying nonetheless.

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:26

Don't you get that most men would have hit her as a automatic response to being kicked in groin or hit in face. and that he showed restraint by not doign that??