I hit him first?

[UnhappySim]

I have been married for two years.

Last night me and DH were arguing, he was stood up and I was sitting on the bed.

All of a sudden he lost his temper and dived on me, pinning me to the bed and shouting in my face.

As soon as this happened I went into 'defence mode' and kicked him in the groin, as he loosened his grip on me I then punched him in the face. (It didn't seen like he felt that very much though).

I then got up from the bed and ran downstairs. I was upset by what I'd done as I 'didn't mean to'. I know how stupid that sounds, you don't kick someone by accident but I've been doing jujitsu for the past 3 years and escaping from ground pins are something we practice every now and again. I didn't think about it, I just went into defence mode and acted instictively. It's not as if I thought to myself "I know, I'll do that thing on him that we practice at jujitsu..." I honestly didnt think at all.

Anyway, a few minutes later I heard his heavy footsteps come charging down the stairs, the urgency in his step made me brace myself again and then the door burst open, he grabbed me by the throat and then slammed me against the wall. Obviously learning his lesson from last time he pushed up close against me so I couldn't do anything to him and he said "If you ever do anything like that to me again, I'll beat you black and blue". He then left the house.

My mind is all over the place, I know I hit him first but in a way it was kind of self defense but he never actually hit me at all...therefore I was the violent one? Therefore did he have the right to threaten me in temper?

He's NEVER been violent before, I always said if a man was ever violent towards me I'd leave but I always imagined it to be a straight foward hit, this is complicated and I'm not sure if I'm more in the wrong than he is

My dh says the same VS.

Anyone who knows the difference between right and wrong would say so. I don't know whether to be pissed off or worried about you Dibbles.

I apologise to OP for troll comment.

However I stand by all that I said.

He pinned her down.

That is a violent act.

She acted in self-defence.

Fair enough Dabbles. I don't know what you have experienced or are experiencing to make you think that though.

Personally I'm more concerned about the second part if this altercation.

It was agressive behaviour to pin you down and I think your reaction was perfectly understandable. He should have then taken deep breath, realised that he'd frightened you and come to apologise. But he didn't do that, even after a few moments thought, he continued with his agressive behaviour and threatened you further. That second part wasn't a heat of the moment thing - it was considered. That's inexcusable.

i'd tell him never, ever to dive on you, pin you down and shout in your face again. or anything similar.

Dabbles.

You are mad!

Dabbles, do you honestly, honestly not think that his pinning her to the bed and shouting in her face was an act of aggression? Really?

aggression, yes. but violence? NO.

Lets be realistic here, he didn't beat her.

aggression, yes. but violence? NO.

Lets be realistic here, he didn't beat her.

Dabbles- you're on dodgy ground and you know it...my DH also agrees that the initial 'pinning down' is sufficiently aggressive (quibbling over aggression V violence is hardly helpful) behaviour to warrant a self-defensive action. His subsequent threat just reconfirms that he has a real problem with controlling his anger. OP- You need to get away for a while if possible and think carefully about how to proceed. Get some professional advise asap.

she was justified in her response, but I just think you are all a bit too quick to condemn this guy as a perpetrator of domestic violence.

I am not a troll. and I know all about domestic violence and I firmly believe you are all being too quick to advise this woman to leave her husband/send him to anger management etc....

ofcourse if he actually hits her, or this happens again then fair enough.

Abuse comes in all different forms - physical, emotional, mental........

The government defines domestic abuse as "Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality."

So his initial act of pinning OP to the bed and shouting in her face is most definitely domestic violence (as it uses physical strength). I don't think advising OP that her dh needs anger management is OTT. It may not yet be time to consider divorce, but something needs to be done to address this issue. The OP says that they have never really argued before, so it is worrying that, the first time they do argue, her dh resorts to violence and threats of further violence if she attempts to defend herself.

Believe me, when you are pinned down and have someone shouting in your face, it certainly feels as though you are being violated.

Dabbles, how can you say "if he does it again, fair enough?" Isn't once enough? Once is more than enough in my book.

It will happen again if the OP does not let her partner know now that his behaviour was not acceptable, by not standing up to him she is giving him permission to do it again.

I was in a similar position myself last year and I hit back. I had no alternative but to hit back, it was the only way to stop him. I felt truly ashamed of my behaviour but I wasn't sorry. I still suffered for it but not to the extent I would have if I had not fought back.

The OP has nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for. She was defending herself. End of.

Dabbles - I am gobsmacked. That hitting is in your view serious and a potential marriage breaker - but pinning down on the bed and grabbing by the throat seem to be perfectly acceptable.

UnhappySim - really sorry - it must have all been quite shocking, what he did, and your own response.

As I see it he pushed you aggressively and it escalated from there.

I think fights can break out that are not necessarily 'wif beating' in that it is not systematic bullying / use of power and violence, but is an outburst.

Not accepatable for that, of course.

Do you feel genuinely frightened of him now? In which case you might want to talk to a women's support advice service such s Women's Aid.

Or do you think that he, and then you, went ott and it would help if you both had a long hard talk - possibly with some counselling, to help ensure that future arguments never take this course again?

I hope he does come back apologetic for pushing you and sparking this off, and for threatening you.

I don't like the fact that once the immediate heat had worn off he pursued you and threatened yo9u. He needs to know that you did what you did because he oushed you and pinned you down - and that that is totally not ok.

I hope you can come to mutual agreement over what happened and that you should find a way to argue without this happening.

oh dabbles. You just have not got a scooby have you? To all the other posters there is no point of arguing with her she is one of the people that think that dv is being punched stabbed etc. And due to the ignorance of people like this many women do not get the support they need. Because friends like dabbles say its ok.

Quite so mehdismummy. Dabbles you're basically advising the OP to wait until he does something really bad and then get annoyed with him.

Well he has done something really bad. He hasn't understood that her response to him was self defence. Your idea that "most" men would have hit her back is so wrong. Most decent men at that point would have come to their senses and understood that they had crossed a boundary and been horrified and apologetic. The OP's husband otoh, was threatening and basically told her that if he crosses the line again, she had better not defend herself from him, otherwise he will exert more serious violence on her.

If you don't think that constitutes violent, then I pity you. Truly.

I kind of agree with Dabbles. NEITHER of them should have been violent. He shouldnt have pinned her down. She kneed him in the groin - an act of self defence to disable him. But she then punched him in the face. Then he grabbed her throat.

It was a very black day for them as a couple but doesnt mean he is inherently bad and will get worse and should be condemned. Thats just reactionary crap. Just means that they need to discuss this. Right now.

"he grabbed me by the throat and then slammed me against the wall. Obviously learning his lesson from last time he pushed up close against me so I couldn't do anything to him and he said "If you ever do anything like that to me again, I'll beat you black and blue". He then left the house."

and by the way, I dont agree that he cooled down and then went after her - I suspect he was doubled over in agony and probably bit in shock at being punched in the face to gather his thoughts immediately and 'plan' a violent reaction.