I hit him first?

[UnhappySim]

I have been married for two years.

Last night me and DH were arguing, he was stood up and I was sitting on the bed.

All of a sudden he lost his temper and dived on me, pinning me to the bed and shouting in my face.

As soon as this happened I went into 'defence mode' and kicked him in the groin, as he loosened his grip on me I then punched him in the face. (It didn't seen like he felt that very much though).

I then got up from the bed and ran downstairs. I was upset by what I'd done as I 'didn't mean to'. I know how stupid that sounds, you don't kick someone by accident but I've been doing jujitsu for the past 3 years and escaping from ground pins are something we practice every now and again. I didn't think about it, I just went into defence mode and acted instictively. It's not as if I thought to myself "I know, I'll do that thing on him that we practice at jujitsu..." I honestly didnt think at all.

Anyway, a few minutes later I heard his heavy footsteps come charging down the stairs, the urgency in his step made me brace myself again and then the door burst open, he grabbed me by the throat and then slammed me against the wall. Obviously learning his lesson from last time he pushed up close against me so I couldn't do anything to him and he said "If you ever do anything like that to me again, I'll beat you black and blue". He then left the house.

My mind is all over the place, I know I hit him first but in a way it was kind of self defense but he never actually hit me at all...therefore I was the violent one? Therefore did he have the right to threaten me in temper?

He's NEVER been violent before, I always said if a man was ever violent towards me I'd leave but I always imagined it to be a straight foward hit, this is complicated and I'm not sure if I'm more in the wrong than he is

OP didn't say he did cool down.

no it was inferred a little lower in the thread, not in the OP

I wish some of you would stop pretending that the OP's behaviour was on a par with her violent husband. He came downstairs and told teh OP that if he ever attacks her again, she mustn't defend her self against him otherwise he will "beat her black and blue"

She hasn't told him she will injure him if she ever has to defend herself against him again. Or if she ever decides to attack him for some unknowable reason. She hasn't threatened him with future violence. He otoh has promised her future violence. What's ambiguous about that?

By trying to pretend that it's six of one and half a dozen of the other, you are not giving good advice. How the OP deals with the violence is up to her, but to try and stop her from recognising it, is wrong.

have you been pinned to a bed and had someone in your face? I have had dh do this to me and spit in my face. Or been kicked or had my head punched. I have lashed out a couple of times in sheer terror and it is just a pure survival reaction. I think if you dont understand what and how this makes you feel when the person you think loves you does this. You should not make silly comments

Look, grabbing the throat is over the top obviously, however, how would you expect a man to respond to being kneed in th genitals and then punched in the face? Seriously?

A big thank you for clearing his head??

She kneed him for self-defence. Then punched him - a reflex gut reaction. He reacted violently and perhaps instinctively to being attacked too.

It doesnt make it right. It makes for a pretty crappy relationship probably but it isnt just her who suffered.

she did say in the op tho that the punch was a bit feeble.
"as he loosened his grip on me I then punched him in the face. (It didn't seen like he felt that very much though)."

would be a bit of a blow to the ego and pride. no-one would enjoy being punched by the person they love. but seeing as how hed just jumped on her, pinned her down and given her the hairdryer treatment, it seems a bit steep to go getting offended at her instinctive self defence.

dont forget that a man is usually a hell of a lot stronger than a woman. a punch of equal effort from each is unlikely to have equal force, no?

and he acme downstairs and made his violent thread 'a few minutes later'. the point is he should have cooled off a little by then.

to answer medhis, yes, I have been pinned to a bad by an ex.

No I didnt get off on it or think it was normal before it is suggested.

So, after he cooled down he still went on to threaten further violence? Thats even worse IMO. After he cooled down he could have apologised for his part in the situation and given his wife a hug. Instead, he chose to thraten her further then leave the house. Now, my bet is, she has spent all day worried about what she will be in for when he gets home. What happened to her this morning didn't just end with him leaving the house.

Its not like the movies you know. Being kneed in the genitals would smart for quite a bit more than a good few minutes I imagine .

Just long enough for him to think through his revenge eh?

b&f yes, I would expect a big thank you for clearing his head and not calling the bloody police and charging him with assault, actually.

I would not expect a threat of future violence.

how did you react binkle? Sometimes and trust me i have learnt now it is just easier to not do anything because he calms down quicker

point is he didnt cool down in those few minutes. he got angrier and more violent. and this time he was not going to allow her to defend herself at all. and just to make sure she got the point, he vocalised that fact.

nor did he come and apologise once he had cooled down (after being out for some time).

A normal man wouldn't be thinking through his revenge b&f. A normal man would be sitting there wondering how the fuck this had happened and what on earth had gone wrong.

A 'normal' man would have been as shocked by his won behaviour as the OP was with hers. He wouldn't have threatened further and he wouldn't have run away.

I reacted by feeling that I wanted to kill him on the spot to be honest oh and telling him that if he ever did it again I would put a knife in him. But you probably think it was ok for me to threaten future violence because I am a woman. Clearly it wasnt. Neither was what he did ok.

However, it wasnt swept under the carpet, we talked about it at length and it never happened again in the next 7 years we were together.

Nobody is saying its ok by the way. The point is, they were both violent and reactionary. Not good, but doesnt make him automatically the epitome of evil.

It was my ex not my dh.

They were not both violent. He was violent and she defended herself against his violent. He then threatened her with further violence if she defended herself again.

Stop trying to make it equal. It's not.

his violence, sorry

nor does him not being the epitome of evil mean that the op should have to put up with violence.

What he did was wrong.

She defended herself and added an extra punch in for good measure (which he didnt really feel anyway) If she had knocked his teeth out perhaps that would have been better.

The point is, its a disfunctional relationship - or it was for that instance. Maybe it can be fixed. As she says he hasnt acted this way before and presumably neither has she.

Talking it through is the only way to go.

He hasn't done it before because thye haven't had a serious row before.