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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hit him first?

144 replies

UnhappySim · 16/03/2008 11:07

I have been married for two years.

Last night me and DH were arguing, he was stood up and I was sitting on the bed.

All of a sudden he lost his temper and dived on me, pinning me to the bed and shouting in my face.

As soon as this happened I went into 'defence mode' and kicked him in the groin, as he loosened his grip on me I then punched him in the face. (It didn't seen like he felt that very much though).

I then got up from the bed and ran downstairs. I was upset by what I'd done as I 'didn't mean to'. I know how stupid that sounds, you don't kick someone by accident but I've been doing jujitsu for the past 3 years and escaping from ground pins are something we practice every now and again. I didn't think about it, I just went into defence mode and acted instictively. It's not as if I thought to myself "I know, I'll do that thing on him that we practice at jujitsu..." I honestly didnt think at all.

Anyway, a few minutes later I heard his heavy footsteps come charging down the stairs, the urgency in his step made me brace myself again and then the door burst open, he grabbed me by the throat and then slammed me against the wall. Obviously learning his lesson from last time he pushed up close against me so I couldn't do anything to him and he said "If you ever do anything like that to me again, I'll beat you black and blue". He then left the house.

My mind is all over the place, I know I hit him first but in a way it was kind of self defense but he never actually hit me at all...therefore I was the violent one? Therefore did he have the right to threaten me in temper?

He's NEVER been violent before, I always said if a man was ever violent towards me I'd leave but I always imagined it to be a straight foward hit, this is complicated and I'm not sure if I'm more in the wrong than he is

OP posts:
wildwoman · 16/03/2008 11:27

my dp didnt.

madamez · 16/03/2008 11:27

He 'dived' on you. That's every bit as agressive as punching or kicking or slapping. You defended yourself. That's nothing to be ashamed of. Get some good legal advice on how to get him out of the house at least temporarily.But don't let him (or any other silly posters on here) make you feel that you were the one in the wrong when he made the first agressive move.

Just wondering - there was a poster a while ago who studied self-defence and whose new-ish partner was forever teasing her about it, trying to trip her up or 'play-fight' her in a way that suggested he had some major issues about her ability to defend herself: was this you?

supressedmemories · 16/03/2008 11:27

but most men wouldnt pin someone to the bed by their throat in the first place.

yurt1 · 16/03/2008 11:28

Dabbles- he pinned her to the bed and shouted in her face. or course he was being violent and aggressive.

He was hardly 'provoked' into being aggressive.

avenanap · 16/03/2008 11:28

Honey, most men should know that if someone kicks them in the groin it's because they have gone too far. He should have stopped but he didn't.

wildwoman · 16/03/2008 11:28

I didn't hit him in the face though but his nether regions suffered.

madamez · 16/03/2008 11:29

Dabbles, just because you hang out with immature arseholes who can't control themselves doesn't mean that most, or even many men think it's alright to start fights with women by pushing, shouting, throwing them around as long as they don't hit them.

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:29

he didnt pin her to the bed by her throat.

BrothelSprouts · 16/03/2008 11:29

Don't you get that he made a decision, he took the choice to make the encounter physical and aggressive?

If you decide to do that, you don't get to choose how the other person responds.

He showed no restraint whatsoever when he carried on the confrontation by following the OP downstairs, grabbed her by the throat, slammed her against the wall and threatened her with further violence in the future.

That was premeditated.

And very worrying.

edam · 16/03/2008 11:30

Unhappy Sim, jumping on you and pinning you to the bed is a violent act. You acted in self-defence.

Get rid of him or leave him - he's a dangerous man who will escalate his violence. Call Refuge or Women's Aid today for practical and emotional support.

Dabbies, your views are astonishing. HE attacked her. She defended herself. Then he came back, attacked her again, and threatened more violence. What the hell does a man have to do to qualify as violent in your opinion?

supressedmemories · 16/03/2008 11:30

oh no, sorry. he pinned her to the bed, then grabbed her by the throat. totally different

BoysOnToast · 16/03/2008 11:30

dabbles, i feel v for you if most men you know would act that way.

that is |NOT the way MOST men behave.

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:30

madamez

I am pretty sure its a universal automatic response for a man to hit back /react if kicked in groin/face.

Scotia · 16/03/2008 11:31

Dabbles, I don't know if you are reading the op the way I am, but I think she was acting in self defence. What would you say if it had been a stranger pinning her down? She shouldn't kick him because he hadn't 'hit' her first.

My exh maintains he never hit me because he didn't punch me. He did force my arm up my back though, and pull my hair, and spit in my face while pinning me to the wall by the throat (on more than one occasion). Good job I didn't hit him to get away though, because by your reckoning, I'd have been the violent one.

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:32

"Get rid of him or leave him - he's a dangerous man who will escalate his violence. Call Refuge or Women's Aid today for practical and emotional support. "

ffs, what an over reaction!!! This is the first time this man has responded/acted in this way. they have been married for 2 years ffs.

sigh

seriously you lot are over reacting

give the guy a break.

mrsflowerpot · 16/03/2008 11:32

What sort of men do you know, Dabbles?

This is not normal behaviour, and he certainly doesn't deserve any kind of 'good behaviour' medal for not hitting her.

supressedmemories · 16/03/2008 11:32

unhappysim, please take no notice of dabbles. while what you did was wrong, it is understandable. i would have reacted in the same way. he made the argument physical, not you. this is not your fault.

wildwoman · 16/03/2008 11:32

good post scotia

avenanap · 16/03/2008 11:32

No, he pinned her down on the bed, she hit him, she ran off and went upstairs, he wen after her, grabbed her throat, pushed her against the wall and threatened her. You are not giving her the support that she needs when you are criticising her actions. She's probably upset and confused. You are not helping Dabbles. I would have done the same thing, she was feeling threatened, she's entitled to defend herself.

wildwoman · 16/03/2008 11:33

do you have kids unhappy sim?

BoysOnToast · 16/03/2008 11:33

so what shoudl she have done then dabbles? in your opinion?

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:34

ofcourse she is entitled to defend herself, but there is no need to have her husband hung drawn and wuartered for this.

what they nee dto do is talk about it.

He has not been violent before, they ahv ebeen married two years, we dont know what the argument was about. I dont think she needs to divorce him/kick him out/ over react/ send him to anger managemeetn beecause fo this...

BoysOnToast · 16/03/2008 11:34

sorry, scratch that. not helpful for op at all. sorry unhappysim.

Dabbles · 16/03/2008 11:35

I think she responded normally to the situation.

i dont think she was necessarily in the wrong, but i dont think he was either.

3NAB · 16/03/2008 11:35

He was physical towards her by pinning her to the bed.

She sholdn't have hit him but that doesn't mean he was within his rights to get her by the throat and threaten future violence.

I suggest you both apologise to each other, talk calmly to each other and decide where you want to go from here.

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