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Original poster

Boyfriend masturbated over colleague

141 replies

aj82x · 21/12/2023 21:06

What would you do?

Been together eleven years. 2 kids and own a house together.

We have had a rough year with financial stresses because of inflation mortgage payments and everything else rising. He is the sole earner as I quit my career to become a full time mum.

I struggled this year mentally with post natal depression. Sex has basically become nothing. Our relationship was always great and we were best friends as well as partners. He become very distant and unsupportive this year while I was going through my struggles. Thankfully I had good friends and family to help me through.

I looked on he's phone a few nights ago (I know I shouldn't have!) but he's searches were a new girl from he's work and all over her depop photos of her in her dresses etc.

He's now after me grilling him has come clean that he was masturbating. To make it worse he never spoke to her before until a few nights ago when he went to he's Christmas party. So he approached her and spoke to her after doing this!!!!!! (They have apparently never been introduced before this)

I feel sick that he has done that I never imagined him to be that person and I find it creepy and disgusting. I am so angry about it I told him it's over. I feel like I don't trust him at all.

I have absolutely no issue with porn or anything like that. But I feel like this is way to far!? Am I being over the top? I feel absolutely sickened. He works on a building site and doesn't go into the office much (maybe sees her once every 2 weeks?)

He's excuse was that the boys from work were all talking about her being the new girl etc. I don't believe it as I know he's seen her before this as she has been there a while and he admitted he's seen her in and out the office. I'm actually beggining to think he's been having this 'fantasy' for a while.

He's begging me telling me he's sorry and he doesn't know why he done it etc but to me I think it's absolutely vile and I feel I can't see past it? Like the guy I'm with is a creep?

It may sound strange but when he's doing it to porn and woman he doesn't know it doesn't bother me .... but this is more personal.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
MyopicBunny · 21/12/2023 21:09

If he masturbated over her then that is vile and bad enough. But I'd personally be inclined to be suspicious about whether he's slept with her. Because maybe he's telling you a cover story that isn't as bad as the truth?

pleasejustnawta · 21/12/2023 21:10

I would dump him. He is a disgusting creep. Poor woman . I hope she never finds out. And you deserve better . Why are you not bothered about men using porn? You should be .

kimchio · 21/12/2023 21:11

That is disgusting. I'd leave and dob him in to hr

toomanyleggings · 21/12/2023 21:13

Err well I think you need to get your ducks in a row. He’s gross. Very foolish to rely on him for money especially as you’re not married. Who owns the house?

pleasejustnawta · 21/12/2023 21:13

Get some legal advice after Christmas for you and the children . He is a horrible creep but he needs to pay his way for the children and be a responsible father to them. But get rid of him.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 21/12/2023 21:13

Urgh. No words😕

category12 · 21/12/2023 21:15

You need to go back to work.

grumpycow1 · 21/12/2023 21:17

I’m baffled you still call him your boyfriend after 11 years and 2 kids.

You need legal advice and take screenshots of his finances if you can and also any proof of what he’s up to.

You’ve left yourself financially very vulnerable by not working and not being married. Wish they would teach girls this in school…

Undineimmor · 21/12/2023 21:18

Awww hell no

grumpycow1 · 21/12/2023 21:19

I’m saying leave him by the way, he sounds a right creep. I heard someone say on a thread once ‘if that was my partner, my fanny would snap shut like a clam’ and it definitely applies here.

Original poster
aj82x · 21/12/2023 21:22

Thanks well going by these comments I'm doing the right thing. Feel like my head is everywhere as I'm in complete shock.

Feel absolutely sickened by it to be honest as I felt I knew him so well. Been by he's side so much he was diagnosed with a chronic illness and I was he's full time carer a few years ago I feel I done everything for him and this is a complete slap in the face.

The house is in both our names not just he's. He's constantly begging me to re think but I can't see past this at all it's absolutely vile.

My mum has a house that is currently being renovated and should be finished soon. She said I can move into that and just pay bills etc so won't have to worry about rent or anything for as long as I get myself back on my feet.

OP posts:
mycatsanutter · 21/12/2023 21:24

I would really struggle to get past this tbh , even if my relationship was otherwise perfect I would really find this hard to forgive and forget and move on .

Crikeyisthatthetime · 21/12/2023 21:28

I'd feel the same, OP. I just couldn't get past it or forget it. I could never feel the same way about him ever again.

SylvanianFrenemies · 21/12/2023 21:29

Really?
I understand why its upsetting, but have you really never masturbated thinking of someone you know? It is pretty normal. I'm surprised by people calling it disgusting.

Puppalicious · 21/12/2023 21:32

I’m a bit surprised about the depth of feeling here too. Now having the photo out isn’t great but I would say most posters DH’s have probably masturbated while thinking of a colleague at some stage.

Original poster
aj82x · 21/12/2023 21:32

@SylvanianFrenemies it's more the fact he was physically looking at her photos that makes me feel disgusted. I get people can have 'fantasies' in their head but considering she's at he's workplace and he's creepily looked at her photos like that makes me shudder. Fantasies about anyone he doesn't have a connection with or physically see (or porn) don't bother me ... but I can't look at him the same and don't think I could be sexually attracted to him in the same way as I find this creepy and too far.

OP posts:
timesaretight · 21/12/2023 21:32

Wrong format to ask that question on.
Don't rush, try and speak with a relationship counsellor. It would be worth paying for a one off consultation.

SylvanianFrenemies · 21/12/2023 21:36

I do get that and it is understandable. Obviously you have to do what's right for you. I'm just concerned that posters say that it us disgusting and unforgivable are being quite extreme, which doesn't seem helpful.

Nicole1111 · 21/12/2023 21:38

If being unsupportive when you had pnd even though you had previously been his carer wasn’t going to kill the relationship, wanking over the depop of someone he sees regularly certainly will. I’m not at all surprised you have the ick. It would be hard to come back from that.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 21/12/2023 21:40

11 years, 2 kids, property owned together and you call him a 'boyfriend'?

Original poster
aj82x · 21/12/2023 21:41

@MyLadyTheKingsMother second comment asking me this? parter / boyfriend whatever else? ....as we aren't married.

OP posts:
GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/12/2023 21:41

I’m a bit surprised about the depth of feeling here too. Now having the photo out isn’t great but I would say most posters DH’s have probably masturbated while thinking of a colleague at some stage.

Fair point. When I read the OP I was ready to sharpen my pitch fork and join the mob, but, on reflection, errr, my friend, has done this (without photo). I suspect it's not unusual, at all.

takeaflight · 21/12/2023 21:44

I think you should just slow down a bit, imho I think most men and of course some women have fantasies. Not necessarily sexual and it does not mean they will act on them. Haven’t most of us at sometime had thoughts on how great it would be to win the lottery or tell our bosses to put their job where the sun doesn’t shine.

We all have different levels of acceptance, you said you don’t mind it’s porn, if my wife found me drooling over nudity then she would not be a happy bunny, so I don’t. However if we are out and there’s an attractive lady she wouldn’t mind me looking and pointing her out, which previous relationships would have been a no no.
sit down and have the discussion what you find acceptable and what crosses your line, quite often we men need a list.

Catlord · 21/12/2023 21:45

I understand nobody would want to be confronted by this, I would be absolutely incensed but I'm not sure you need to rush a decision based on him getting an inappropriate crush after all these years.

And I'm not sure why someone is mentioning HR. For what exactly?

Not invalidating your response, I'm just a bit surprised by the unanimity here.

He's gone too far trying to talk to this woman, yes. But if the crossing point was looking at her photos rather than just having a private fantasy I would take a breath and try and see this in the round and what you want long term with a counsellor and get him to explain exactly what his intentions were/are.

I would clarify that the only way I would contemplate moving past this is with full disclosure on his part and any difficult discussion that brings- why was he speaking to her, was he hoping to start an affair? What does he intend to do about rebuilding trust? Another job?

lenalemonade · 21/12/2023 21:46

You have built a life together -he has been incredibly stupid but you need to take a step back.
Men are so very different from women .driven by different things .
We are the superior beings

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