Boyfriend masturbated over colleague

[aj82x]

What would you do?

Been together eleven years. 2 kids and own a house together.

We have had a rough year with financial stresses because of inflation mortgage payments and everything else rising. He is the sole earner as I quit my career to become a full time mum.

I struggled this year mentally with post natal depression. Sex has basically become nothing. Our relationship was always great and we were best friends as well as partners. He become very distant and unsupportive this year while I was going through my struggles. Thankfully I had good friends and family to help me through.

I looked on he's phone a few nights ago (I know I shouldn't have!) but he's searches were a new girl from he's work and all over her depop photos of her in her dresses etc.

He's now after me grilling him has come clean that he was masturbating. To make it worse he never spoke to her before until a few nights ago when he went to he's Christmas party. So he approached her and spoke to her after doing this!!!!!! (They have apparently never been introduced before this)

I feel sick that he has done that I never imagined him to be that person and I find it creepy and disgusting. I am so angry about it I told him it's over. I feel like I don't trust him at all.

I have absolutely no issue with porn or anything like that. But I feel like this is way to far!? Am I being over the top? I feel absolutely sickened. He works on a building site and doesn't go into the office much (maybe sees her once every 2 weeks?)

He's excuse was that the boys from work were all talking about her being the new girl etc. I don't believe it as I know he's seen her before this as she has been there a while and he admitted he's seen her in and out the office. I'm actually beggining to think he's been having this 'fantasy' for a while.

He's begging me telling me he's sorry and he doesn't know why he done it etc but to me I think it's absolutely vile and I feel I can't see past it? Like the guy I'm with is a creep?

It may sound strange but when he's doing it to porn and woman he doesn't know it doesn't bother me .... but this is more personal.

What would you do ?

It's absolutely no more an invasion of her privacy than him closing his eyes and thinking of her.

It's completely OK for you to decide what is and isn't acceptable to you in a relationship. But you are acting like he is some sort of sexual predator who snuck up the skirt pictures of her.

It's no different than scrolling through SM/an ad seeing a picture that turns you on and having a wank.

People think about people they know all the time masturbating.

But this is probably the straw that's has broken the camels back after a year of unaddressed relationship issues.

I read a study once that said most men are more likely to fantasise over women they know rather than a celeb. It’s an attainability thing.

its the telling uou thing that’s weird here. How long did this “grilling” go on that he admitted that. You’ve no right to know what he thinks about when he masturbates. So the fact there was a drilling and he admitted that is dysfunctional as fuck.

i mean now you know, and you can’t unring that bell. It’s not something anyone wants to know. But I strongly suspect some of the posters who have the smelling salts out, have partners or had partners who have done the exact same thing, they just don’t know.

I think it's totally normal for people to look at photos when pleasuring themselves.
Have you never googled a celeb you like the look of and then do it?
Ok, not great it's someone he works with and I'd be upset with him but I'm not sure I'd break up over it.
You should get a job so you're more secure financially but you probably already know that.

Yes! Why is everyone ignoring this. I would bet there is more to this than masturbation.

Why do people stick the knife in like this? He spoke to her at rhe Xmas party. It doesn’t mean he is cheating.

This on its own is not a LTB event. It's perfectly valid for you to feel disgusted by it or frustrated but this is what men (and indeed women if the mood takes) do. He has taken inspiration from real life rather than a random. It in no way means he is sleeping with her or is looking to sleep with her.

You need to address the other issues. It's perfectly fine for you to not want sex after a child or bad time but you must address it if you want the relationship to continue as it is also perfectly fine for him to want sex. Your relationship is currently failing and you need to talk about ending it or improving it. Neither of you deserve for it to continue like this.

I'm also not married after much longer together so don't worry about those comments but please protect yourself financially as you have 0 financial protections unless you have this in other legal ways such as being on the mortgage.

Also he's and his are different words.

She also won't be the first real life person he has thought about.

Your boyfriend has been distant. Maybe he can’t cope with the depression. My dh couldn’t either with me. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. I am not trying to make excuses, rather to bring perspective.

As for the masturbation, I’ve had fantasies myself and I haven’t acted on them. I am married. Fantasies are not supposed to be real and reality won’t live up to the fantasy.

Your relationship is going through a rough patch. I would be careful to split when you’re so vulnerable and not thinking about things from a place of calm and happiness. You’re strung out.

Just take a moment. He is not necessarily not the man you thought he was. He’s a man, who is providing for you and your dc whilst you go through a difficult time. And a sexual being, who hasn’t cheated on you.

Well of course, nobody ever speaks to another person at a social gathering with any other purpose than getting laid. Not in Paranoialand anyway.

For stalking an employee online - just give them the heads up.

Why do people stick the knife in like this? He spoke to her at rhe Xmas party. It doesn’t mean he is cheating.

Because imo, he didn't need to tell OP about the wanking. So why did he? Maybe because he has intentions that go beyond this. From where I sit, there is at least a chance that something else may be going on. Not necessarily. But combined with the sexless marriage, I'd be on alert.

Finding the photos would upset me too, but i
don’t think I’d leave my partner (Not married either, because it’s not the 1950s anymore and people don’t have to get married if they don’t want to!) over this. I have to admit my imagination/fantasy goes to the worst places when I’m having at it, including my partners’ brother and friends! I would absolutely not want to sleep with them in real life!

Looking at images which are on the internet and viewable by anyone is hardly stalking. It would be different if he'd hacked into her account, or befriended her under a false account name to get access to restricted photos.

It's just gross.
The point is that he knows her and talks to her at work and given half a chance he'd be with her.

I'd be creeped out if I knew my co workers were doing that to my photo.

I doubt the men on here saying it's ok would be ok with their wife wanking to his boss or brother or knowing a male coworker they speak to regularly is wanking over the guy's photos.

The absolute worst part of this situation is the OP grilling her boyfriend over his wanking habits. That is grim and that is gross. Imagine a man grilling his girlfriend over what she thought of when she was masturbating, was she thinking of this person or that person, and shaming her for it. It's horrifying. Masturbation is an inherently private matter and you're not entitled to know about someone else's habits just because they're your partner, unless they invite you to.

As PP have pointed out this is also because when masturbating, people's minds go to all sorts of places. Sometimes deliberate, sometimes not, sometimes real, sometimes not, sometimes a composite of all the above. Lots of images and fantasies drift through your mind and it's rarely edifying for other people to know.

I suspect posters like this just think all masturbation is gross, whoever's doing it and whoever they're thinking of.

Fair enough. It's still icky to seek out her depop

None of us is ever likely to know whether some acquaintance or complete stranger is wanking over our online image or a mental image of us. It falls into the category 'things you can't control and therefore there is no point in worrying about them'.

I am 100% Same as this!

That's your bias.

I somehow doubt that all the posters gleefully telling the OP to break up her family over her partner masturbating have experience of what it means to take this step, and the effect it will have on her children. It's extremely irresponsible to encourage her to do this
Edit: @MMmomDD said it much better than me

Errr isn't this completely normal? I would be astonished if 99% of people haven't done this.

And you need to get out and get a job. Make that a priority both for your sanity and to help the family.

Sorry but I don't believe in anyone being a SAHM - it's a recipe for disaster.

Indeed, me too. All the people saying saying they'd break up their families over this are blissfully unaware of who their partners are wanking over! Do people think their partners only think of them when they masturbate? Or that they never masturbate? Come on!
Highly likely that all men and women have masturbated over people they know in real life.

@aj82x are you really considering blowing up your family and ending your relationship because your partner has fantasies about another woman after admitting sex is non existent between you?

We all have sexual needs and it is a well known fact men can naturally feel a bit neglected when their loved one's focus is 100% elsewhere, be that work, hobby, or children. For men, often the proof of being loved and cared about is through sex and connection.

I feel you are taking a rather puritanical and niaive view on this, added to the usual bandwagon of MNetters who don't seem to live in the real world. Men mastibate, fact. Most men view porn or are turned on visually compared to women. So what if it is a woman at work, so what if he googled her. Honestly, all those who have said this is creepy are in la la land. We've all even happily married men and women looked up attractive others on social media for one reason or another.

IMHO, this was an opportunity OP to draw closer to your partner rather than push him away. If he was honest with you about the masterbating and curiosity in this work female, this was a chance for you to have some honest discussions about his feelings, needs and wants (yes men have them) and go from there. Please don't take his thoughts so personally and feel insecure.

There is no need for unnecessary drama.

So you say sex has become nonexistent, for how long? You implied for a whole year...

I think most people would agree that masturbation is OK when going through a dry patch, and many people (men and women) would/have thought about friends or colleagues etc. This day and age just makes it easier to obtain pictures rather than just using imagination.

I'd be massively hurt too, but I wouldn't say dump-worthy.