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Original poster

Boyfriend masturbated over colleague

141 replies

aj82x · 21/12/2023 21:06

What would you do?

Been together eleven years. 2 kids and own a house together.

We have had a rough year with financial stresses because of inflation mortgage payments and everything else rising. He is the sole earner as I quit my career to become a full time mum.

I struggled this year mentally with post natal depression. Sex has basically become nothing. Our relationship was always great and we were best friends as well as partners. He become very distant and unsupportive this year while I was going through my struggles. Thankfully I had good friends and family to help me through.

I looked on he's phone a few nights ago (I know I shouldn't have!) but he's searches were a new girl from he's work and all over her depop photos of her in her dresses etc.

He's now after me grilling him has come clean that he was masturbating. To make it worse he never spoke to her before until a few nights ago when he went to he's Christmas party. So he approached her and spoke to her after doing this!!!!!! (They have apparently never been introduced before this)

I feel sick that he has done that I never imagined him to be that person and I find it creepy and disgusting. I am so angry about it I told him it's over. I feel like I don't trust him at all.

I have absolutely no issue with porn or anything like that. But I feel like this is way to far!? Am I being over the top? I feel absolutely sickened. He works on a building site and doesn't go into the office much (maybe sees her once every 2 weeks?)

He's excuse was that the boys from work were all talking about her being the new girl etc. I don't believe it as I know he's seen her before this as she has been there a while and he admitted he's seen her in and out the office. I'm actually beggining to think he's been having this 'fantasy' for a while.

He's begging me telling me he's sorry and he doesn't know why he done it etc but to me I think it's absolutely vile and I feel I can't see past it? Like the guy I'm with is a creep?

It may sound strange but when he's doing it to porn and woman he doesn't know it doesn't bother me .... but this is more personal.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
Bearpawk · 22/12/2023 07:58

I understand it was a shock and hurtful.
But I'd be more focussed addressing
A. The lack of intimacy in your relationship
B. Your precarious financial situation, are you making pension contributions for example? You 'quit your career' - are you still on mat leave ? Can you get back to work asap?
I might look like an arsehole for pointing this out but mums who work are also full time mums.

vincettenoir · 22/12/2023 08:09

I can entirely understand why you feel hurt by this. It's a pretty horrible thing to find out. Especially just before Xmas.

However don't make any rash decisions. I would not leave my husband over something like this. And I work so by the sounds of it have more financial security than you do.

Sometimes when there is a lack of intimacy in a marriage things like this (and far worse) happen. It certainly does not mean it's ok. But your husband is a flawed human, like the rest of us. I think this is a turning point where you both need to seek support for your relationship for the sake of your family. I don't think you should leave him. But I don't think you should carry on as you are. I hope you still manage to have a decent Xmas and all the best for the NY.

MissTrip82 · 22/12/2023 08:11

Puppalicious · 21/12/2023 21:32

I’m a bit surprised about the depth of feeling here too. Now having the photo out isn’t great but I would say most posters DH’s have probably masturbated while thinking of a colleague at some stage.

I find it so odd you think only men do this? Why?

The photos are a bit much. but yes many people masturbate thinking of someone they’ve seen, met or watched on TV.

BTW women who haven’t left their careers are also full time mums. Paying for the food your children eat is an essential part of being a parent. There’s no such thing as a part time mum.

Puppalicious · 22/12/2023 08:20

MissTrip82 · 22/12/2023 08:11

I find it so odd you think only men do this? Why?

The photos are a bit much. but yes many people masturbate thinking of someone they’ve seen, met or watched on TV.

BTW women who haven’t left their careers are also full time mums. Paying for the food your children eat is an essential part of being a parent. There’s no such thing as a part time mum.

Show quote history

I don’t know why you think I think only men do this, I know for sure women do too 😂but maybe not with photos.

Swishyfishy · 22/12/2023 08:35

Hasn’t everyone had a meaningless wank over a handsome colleague.

The issue is more your relationship breaking down and his lack of support while you are vulnerable.

Sothisiit · 22/12/2023 08:43

I'd imagine most people have masturbated fantasising about people other than their partners. I would however be annoyed about the photos.
The lack of sex and intimacy is obviously taking its toll on your relationship too, can you both address the issues you both face with counselling and get through this?

category12 · 22/12/2023 08:48

Swishyfishy · 22/12/2023 08:35

Hasn’t everyone had a meaningless wank over a handsome colleague.

The issue is more your relationship breaking down and his lack of support while you are vulnerable.

No. Not everybody's sexuality works like that.

I can't say I've ever imagined a specific person (that I'm not already sleeping with, or about to sleep with - I do think about past sex with specific people sometimes). But mostly I think about scenarios rather than particular people. I think I'd feel slightly embarrassed to have to chat work stuff with someone I'd been imagining in bed. 😂

I may be an outlier of course, but I don't think it's the case that everyone fantasises about people they know. There's a huge range of "normal".

It's up to op how seriously she takes this.

All I think is that she should get back to her career.

SparklyMularky · 22/12/2023 08:48

Swishyfishy · 22/12/2023 08:35

Hasn’t everyone had a meaningless wank over a handsome colleague.

The issue is more your relationship breaking down and his lack of support while you are vulnerable.

Quite! Everyone posting their disgust (or any other emotion/feeling) on this post will have been on someone's mind as they have had a cheeky wank. There's a phrase I never thought I'd be typing.

User135644 · 22/12/2023 09:00

Icannoteven · 21/12/2023 21:47

I’ve got too be honest, this thread has really surprised me. I thought everyone masturbated over colleagues, mutual friends and casual acquaintances. I didn’t think this was an unusual thing and to be honest I wouldn’t count this as a big deal. Is everyone else just thinking about their partner when they wank?

And she wouldn't have known about it if she didn't snoop through his phone.

SallyWD · 22/12/2023 09:09

I find it quite disturbing that OP is policing her partner's fantasies and monitoring what he masturbates over.
I have a certain actor I fantasise about and before that there was a colleague I had a crush on who would feature in my fantasies. I admit I did Google him only once and saw his photo online. The fact is it was pure fantasy, I'd never have done anything with him and I'm very happily married.
If my husband was trying to police my inner most thoughts and investigating everything I'd Googled etc I'd be absolutely mortified! If my husband was thinking of ending our marriage over my own private thoughts (which he should never have been aware of in the first place!!) well I'd find that just ridiculous.
I'm sure that, like everyone else, my DH has masturbated over famous people or people he knows in real life. It's none of my business! People are entitled to private thoughts. As long as he's not pursuing people for real life encounters all's good.

everyredsock · 22/12/2023 09:11

SallyWD · 22/12/2023 09:09

I find it quite disturbing that OP is policing her partner's fantasies and monitoring what he masturbates over.
I have a certain actor I fantasise about and before that there was a colleague I had a crush on who would feature in my fantasies. I admit I did Google him only once and saw his photo online. The fact is it was pure fantasy, I'd never have done anything with him and I'm very happily married.
If my husband was trying to police my inner most thoughts and investigating everything I'd Googled etc I'd be absolutely mortified! If my husband was thinking of ending our marriage over my own private thoughts (which he should never have been aware of in the first place!!) well I'd find that just ridiculous.
I'm sure that, like everyone else, my DH has masturbated over famous people or people he knows in real life. It's none of my business! People are entitled to private thoughts. As long as he's not pursuing people for real life encounters all's good.

100% agree with you

Original poster
aj82x · 22/12/2023 09:18

Thanks everyone for the replies way too many to reply too.

There is a back story.

Definitely not monitoring I have never felt the need to look before this. Glad I did and definitely don't care about the fantasy part it's the looking at personal photos I find creepy. Not bothered ba

OP posts:
category12 · 22/12/2023 09:20

Does the backstory involve infidelity?

Original poster
aj82x · 22/12/2023 09:21

*by him fantasising about celebs or people he doesn't work with it's just very strange to me. And it's the going out of he's way to speak to her at a work party where there were 500 staff there that is also making me upset. Anyone that's is seriously telling me that's normal or ok seems strange tooHmm

OP posts:
Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 22/12/2023 09:26

OP he upped his “fantasy” by approaching her he put himself into temptations way .
Then what ? What was he going to do if he got /gets attention back !

Ladolcevita233 · 22/12/2023 09:33

Men are so very different from women .driven by different things .
We are the superior beings

That's double standards however you justify it.

And sounds very like the old Victorian -sexist view - women are refined, emotional "angels" and men are not; which allowed men to get away with lots of seriously shit behaviour.

SparklyMularky · 22/12/2023 09:34

aj82x · 22/12/2023 09:21

*by him fantasising about celebs or people he doesn't work with it's just very strange to me. And it's the going out of he's way to speak to her at a work party where there were 500 staff there that is also making me upset. Anyone that's is seriously telling me that's normal or ok seems strange tooHmm

Did he go out of his way to speak to her or did it naturally happen?

He may be thinking of cheating if there is a long period of no sex. This is why you need to address the actual issues of the relationship with him rather than adding new ones that may be caused by the initial.

Ladolcevita233 · 22/12/2023 09:35

No wonder there's no sex given how unsupportive he's been to op (after she supported him when he needed it).

Ladolcevita233 · 22/12/2023 09:36

Also a dip/stop in sex is fairly normal when you've got babies/v young kids back to back.

It's not justification for cheating.

Ladolcevita233 · 22/12/2023 09:37

Op has had to rely on family and friends to support her ..... Again, after she supported him through illness.

That's the real problem.

Then you've got him creeping over a woman he knows through work.

Ladolcevita233 · 22/12/2023 09:42

I know where you're coming from op.

I'd have zero problem with my partner looking at images/porn of people they don't know/don't have contact with ..... But looking up someone they know/have contact with for eye candy and visual stimulus, even masturbating to their images.. Is a different kettle of fish to me. It's too real and personal.

It's also disrespectful of the woman's privacy etc. It's highly highly unlikely she posted the images with the understanding or acceptance that men she knows would be using them for titillation and wanking. It's v inappropriate and intrusive; I'm not sure what the right description is ..

There's also the possibility the man's "interest" develops into a crush, and then - if they have enough contact and if the woman is remotely receptive - that it moves into flirting, sexting, affair territory.
A wise, appropriate person would not be going there with a woman they know/work colleague in the first place.

Ladolcevita233 · 22/12/2023 09:48

I doubt he'd be happy if op had done the equivalent with some attractive, fit new guy at work.

But it's all the other stuff, as well as this - that's the problem.

SallyWD · 22/12/2023 09:56

aj82x · 22/12/2023 09:21

*by him fantasising about celebs or people he doesn't work with it's just very strange to me. And it's the going out of he's way to speak to her at a work party where there were 500 staff there that is also making me upset. Anyone that's is seriously telling me that's normal or ok seems strange tooHmm

So he had a conversation with someone he found attractive? I still don't see the problem. Unless you've found proof that he's flirting with her or asking her out on a date, I don't think he's done anything wrong.
There's a guy who comes in to our office sometimes. Not only is he really handsome but he's just the loveliest man. Me and my two female colleagues always enjoy when he pops in. We enjoy chatting with him purely because he's gorgeous! Is that allowed? Should our husbands end our marriages because of it. None of us would ever cheat. I'm sure my DH enjoys conversations with attractive colleagues.
Like many others have said, you need to focus on the other issues in your marriage.

GodDammitCecil · 22/12/2023 12:59

I still don’t understand why he told you.

What did the ‘grilling’ you gave him involve? Actually asking him that question?

It’s not a question that it would ever occur to me to ask.

Blubbled · 22/12/2023 13:36

@pleasejustnawta I agree. Just because a man doesn't know the women in the porn and is unlikely to ever meet them, he's still using a human being as an object, a masterbatory aid, and reducing those women to mere things to sate his basest urges with. Plus, if he's in a committed relationship, it's a form of infidelity, as he's looking at women other than his SO with lust in his heart. This is what Jesus said about it anyway, so He set the bar high but for good reason.
Any man who regularly uses women like that is not a good person and not a good partner for any woman!
OP the fact he does know the woman he's used so disgustingly does make it even worse, but I'd look into the underbelly of the porn industry if I were you, and how many women in it have experienced CSA and that the industry itself does further abuse those women. Pornhub has also been accused of showing the abuse of underage girls, which is CSA! I don't know the outcome of this but I think it's a case of "no smoke without fire" and the site is vile anyway, as is all porn! I think it might make you rethink your attitude to porn and the men who use it!
Meanwhile, find out your legal rights, and split up from that foul man for good1 You deserve better and so do your children!