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Original poster

Boyfriend masturbated over colleague

141 replies

aj82x · 21/12/2023 21:06

What would you do?

Been together eleven years. 2 kids and own a house together.

We have had a rough year with financial stresses because of inflation mortgage payments and everything else rising. He is the sole earner as I quit my career to become a full time mum.

I struggled this year mentally with post natal depression. Sex has basically become nothing. Our relationship was always great and we were best friends as well as partners. He become very distant and unsupportive this year while I was going through my struggles. Thankfully I had good friends and family to help me through.

I looked on he's phone a few nights ago (I know I shouldn't have!) but he's searches were a new girl from he's work and all over her depop photos of her in her dresses etc.

He's now after me grilling him has come clean that he was masturbating. To make it worse he never spoke to her before until a few nights ago when he went to he's Christmas party. So he approached her and spoke to her after doing this!!!!!! (They have apparently never been introduced before this)

I feel sick that he has done that I never imagined him to be that person and I find it creepy and disgusting. I am so angry about it I told him it's over. I feel like I don't trust him at all.

I have absolutely no issue with porn or anything like that. But I feel like this is way to far!? Am I being over the top? I feel absolutely sickened. He works on a building site and doesn't go into the office much (maybe sees her once every 2 weeks?)

He's excuse was that the boys from work were all talking about her being the new girl etc. I don't believe it as I know he's seen her before this as she has been there a while and he admitted he's seen her in and out the office. I'm actually beggining to think he's been having this 'fantasy' for a while.

He's begging me telling me he's sorry and he doesn't know why he done it etc but to me I think it's absolutely vile and I feel I can't see past it? Like the guy I'm with is a creep?

It may sound strange but when he's doing it to porn and woman he doesn't know it doesn't bother me .... but this is more personal.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
Icannoteven · 21/12/2023 21:47

I’ve got too be honest, this thread has really surprised me. I thought everyone masturbated over colleagues, mutual friends and casual acquaintances. I didn’t think this was an unusual thing and to be honest I wouldn’t count this as a big deal. Is everyone else just thinking about their partner when they wank?

ModestMoon · 21/12/2023 21:48

I must admit I don't quite understand why you're ok with porn but not this. The photo does seem a bit much but to be honest unless you've made your boundaries clear to him its not an obvious difference from regular porn.

Those saying he's cheated are being dramatic in my opinion. I really hate porn and as a result if I think of anyone it's people I know. Sometimes exes, sometimes colleagues or acquaintances. Never realised this made me a creep by MN standards!

At the end of the day, though, it only matters what you can get past.

lenalemonade · 21/12/2023 21:49

Icannoteven · 21/12/2023 21:47

I’ve got too be honest, this thread has really surprised me. I thought everyone masturbated over colleagues, mutual friends and casual acquaintances. I didn’t think this was an unusual thing and to be honest I wouldn’t count this as a big deal. Is everyone else just thinking about their partner when they wank?

The voice of reason

SallyWD · 21/12/2023 21:59

Icannoteven · 21/12/2023 21:47

I’ve got too be honest, this thread has really surprised me. I thought everyone masturbated over colleagues, mutual friends and casual acquaintances. I didn’t think this was an unusual thing and to be honest I wouldn’t count this as a big deal. Is everyone else just thinking about their partner when they wank?

Yep, I'm really amazed that so many think this is a LTB offence. I'd always assumed that most men would wank over people they know (and some women would do the same).

kaceylena · 21/12/2023 22:01

Leave, he doesn’t respect you or her. If he’s in a committed relationship with you, sex or no sex. Bad habit or not it’s not right, it’s not you.

Nicaced10 · 21/12/2023 22:05

I find it vile 🤦‍♀️ I’d not get by that mentally. Ultimately you know yourself and what you want so do think long and hard.

Gnomegnomegnome · 21/12/2023 22:06

Some of the replies on here are bizarre!

He’s a filthy idiot. I would tell the colleague that she’s working with a slimy perv.

Isn’t depop like vinted? He’s getting cheap frills from her selling clothes?

OracleofWurms2 · 21/12/2023 22:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

topnoddy · 21/12/2023 22:10

Shouldn't the thread title include the word "photos" ?

I thought the colleague was actually there at the time

Gnomegnomegnome · 21/12/2023 22:13

@topnoddy me too

TravelInHope · 21/12/2023 22:15

lenalemonade · 21/12/2023 21:46

You have built a life together -he has been incredibly stupid but you need to take a step back.
Men are so very different from women .driven by different things .
We are the superior beings

Peak MN.

QAnoun · 21/12/2023 22:15

Oh come on. Everyone’s had a wank over a hot colleague, surely? I get that it’s hurtful and I wouldn’t like that he’s initiating contact with her but in isolation it’s not enough to break apart your children’s family unit.

SaturdayGiraffe · 21/12/2023 22:16

Financial stress?

How does your pension look compared to his? Is he paying into yours for you or are you raising the children outside of a marriage contract with no safety net for the future.

Is the house in joint names? Are you liable if he defaults on the mortgage?

The wanking is the least of your worries.

Resilience · 21/12/2023 22:17

I think you're pinning all the issues in your relationship on this incident and it's unhelpful. You can't make this about whether it's right or wrong to masturbate over a picture. That's not the real issue.

I'm anti porn because I have issues about how it objectifies/commodifies women and normalises violence towards women, as well as the vulnerability of so many women involved in it. But I think it's pretty normal to get turned on and masturbate over visual imagery, particularly mainstream images that are not associated with any kind of deviance. The fact that it's someone known to him in real life is maybe a bit concerning because she probably hasn't put her images out there as wank fodder (although you lose the right to determine how people respond to your photos the minute you put them in the public domain) and the real life connection makes it have potential to develop into an affair.

However, none of that is the issue. The issue is you feel under threat, disrespected and unsupported and this incident has provided the focus for it. You describe having PND and him not being there for you. That's a red flag for me.

What were things like before this? Honestly? Was he supportive before or did you just not notice because before PND/having DC you managed things easily and so didn't really notice how little he brought to the table practically or emotionally?

Try to reflect on the relationship without factoring in this particular incident. You might find it quite enlightening and it will help you decide how much weight to give to this latest thing.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out. 💐

Pickledprawn · 21/12/2023 22:22

I don't actually want to know the answer to this but when you masturbate do you only think about him? I'm sure many people have thought of other people except their partners. It's a bit creepy that he was looking at her photos but I don't think it's worse than porn. I can understand that it is upsetting to hear it from him though, some things are best left unsaid.

Starboy14 · 21/12/2023 22:23

I think the women here telling you to implode your 2 children's lives because of this, should be ashamed of themselves.

You may be upset and I'm sure he isn't proud of himself, but you can both move on from this. Some women seem to believe their husbands only ever think of them at all times.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 21/12/2023 22:25

aj82x · 21/12/2023 21:32

@SylvanianFrenemies it's more the fact he was physically looking at her photos that makes me feel disgusted. I get people can have 'fantasies' in their head but considering she's at he's workplace and he's creepily looked at her photos like that makes me shudder. Fantasies about anyone he doesn't have a connection with or physically see (or porn) don't bother me ... but I can't look at him the same and don't think I could be sexually attracted to him in the same way as I find this creepy and too far.

You are allowed to feel this way . Others may not but you do.
I don’t think I’d get over it either . You shouldn’t have too you feel like he’s cheated because he’s thinking of someone he knows in this way .
Honestly though I think he has told you to much info if he was innocent . I think there is a high chance it’s a cover story too and he’s maybe physically cheated .

Babyroobs · 21/12/2023 22:31

SylvanianFrenemies · 21/12/2023 21:29

Really?
I understand why its upsetting, but have you really never masturbated thinking of someone you know? It is pretty normal. I'm surprised by people calling it disgusting.

Well when I read the thread title I thought he had actually masturbated over the colleague in real life so finding out it was just a photo didn't seem quite so bad.

Indifferentchickenwings · 21/12/2023 22:36

Tough one

in LT relationships people will find others attractive and have fantasies about them
and , not cheat
just fantasy

the problem is you KNOW
thanks to the good old internet

if you didn’t know you could probably continue as is

MMmomDD · 21/12/2023 22:45

OP - you have two kids and a marriage that is under stress and has no intimacy...
And you are going to explode it bc your bf had a wank? Seriously.
I think you need to get to a better place mentally - you mention your MH isn’t great at the moment. And then, when your head is clearer - think about your relationship.

People masturbate to visual images. Plenty of celebrities in underwear ads have generated those sort of fantasies.
Hot colleagues just as well.
If he was trying to chat her up and was texting her - fair enough.
But a pretty girl in a male dominated job place will of course attract male banter. We can all be - they shouldn’t, they are not teenagers - but come on. Men in groups behave as teenagers. Maybe some day they’ll get enlightened but not yet.

You are unhappy - and suffering maybe with PND? Maybe it feels to you like exploding your life will fix it.

It won’t.
You have to think rationally - and about your kids as well.

Notsurehwhattdo · 21/12/2023 22:51

I've for sure thought about the odd hot girl from the office when having a wank. Wouldn't dream of cheating on my hotter (to me) wife though.

You are right that wanking over their photos is another level though, but if you two are not sexually active, he's got to get his rocks off somehow and he's not a cheat.

Babyroobs · 21/12/2023 22:51

MMmomDD · 21/12/2023 22:45

OP - you have two kids and a marriage that is under stress and has no intimacy...
And you are going to explode it bc your bf had a wank? Seriously.
I think you need to get to a better place mentally - you mention your MH isn’t great at the moment. And then, when your head is clearer - think about your relationship.

People masturbate to visual images. Plenty of celebrities in underwear ads have generated those sort of fantasies.
Hot colleagues just as well.
If he was trying to chat her up and was texting her - fair enough.
But a pretty girl in a male dominated job place will of course attract male banter. We can all be - they shouldn’t, they are not teenagers - but come on. Men in groups behave as teenagers. Maybe some day they’ll get enlightened but not yet.

You are unhappy - and suffering maybe with PND? Maybe it feels to you like exploding your life will fix it.

It won’t.
You have to think rationally - and about your kids as well.

Best post on here, it really is. Can't believe the number of posters saying they couldn't get past this. He's made a stupid mistake and is sorry. Unless there is a lot of other stuff/ back story as well then I would work on sorting it out and moving forwards.

Cuttysark4321 · 21/12/2023 23:11

Agree it's normal to have fantasies but I would hope that my husband if in that situation would not go as far as to seek a woman out online for personal profiles such as Facebook or depop. I feel that's a total violation of her privacy and weird, borderline obsessive

Mariposistaa · 21/12/2023 23:11

Disgusting
you need to get rid of him and get back to work.

Original poster
aj82x · 21/12/2023 23:21

Thanks. I agree with what some of you are saying about how it's violating her privacy and it's absolutely disgusting. I just feel like I can't look at him the same.

Someone commented and asked why I don't care about porn but I'm bothered by this? It's because it's personal. It's someone he sees in real life physically in person and then enjoying getting her photos up in front of him and then seeing her knowing what he's doing. Porn is just a random fantasy with girls he won't ever see.. this is more than that?

I also feel it's creepy to be on her page looking at her in different outfits it's making me shudder thinking about it. I just feel like it's not the person I have known and if I had known he was like this I would never have settled down with him.

OP posts:
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