Boyfriend masturbated over colleague

[aj82x]

What would you do?

Been together eleven years. 2 kids and own a house together.

We have had a rough year with financial stresses because of inflation mortgage payments and everything else rising. He is the sole earner as I quit my career to become a full time mum.

I struggled this year mentally with post natal depression. Sex has basically become nothing. Our relationship was always great and we were best friends as well as partners. He become very distant and unsupportive this year while I was going through my struggles. Thankfully I had good friends and family to help me through.

I looked on he's phone a few nights ago (I know I shouldn't have!) but he's searches were a new girl from he's work and all over her depop photos of her in her dresses etc.

He's now after me grilling him has come clean that he was masturbating. To make it worse he never spoke to her before until a few nights ago when he went to he's Christmas party. So he approached her and spoke to her after doing this!!!!!! (They have apparently never been introduced before this)

I feel sick that he has done that I never imagined him to be that person and I find it creepy and disgusting. I am so angry about it I told him it's over. I feel like I don't trust him at all.

I have absolutely no issue with porn or anything like that. But I feel like this is way to far!? Am I being over the top? I feel absolutely sickened. He works on a building site and doesn't go into the office much (maybe sees her once every 2 weeks?)

He's excuse was that the boys from work were all talking about her being the new girl etc. I don't believe it as I know he's seen her before this as she has been there a while and he admitted he's seen her in and out the office. I'm actually beggining to think he's been having this 'fantasy' for a while.

He's begging me telling me he's sorry and he doesn't know why he done it etc but to me I think it's absolutely vile and I feel I can't see past it? Like the guy I'm with is a creep?

It may sound strange but when he's doing it to porn and woman he doesn't know it doesn't bother me .... but this is more personal.

What would you do ?

Good post. I understand the feelings. I understand laying down boundaries but I honesty cannot understand why you would explode your whole life over this. He was honest too.

I don’t think the masturbating is the worst part of this story. It’s the fact he’s then approached her at the Xmas party knowing he’s sexually interested, feels like a step up towards trying to sleep with her if he hasn’t already. My trust would be obliterated by that.

Well, I assumed from the title that he had masturbated over her in real life.

I understand why this is highly problematic but I am not sure this is grounds for ending a long term relationship with the father of your child.

I'd ask him to leave x

^How does your pension look compared to his? Is he paying into yours for you or are you raising the children outside of a marriage contract with no safety net for the future.

Is the house in joint names? Are you liable if he defaults on the mortgage?

The wanking is the least of your worries.^

I agree. I can't believe in this day and age women are still not looking out for their own and their children's financial future.

Especially in the light of this OP's shock revelation.

Start 2024 by going back to training/work OP. NEVER rely on someone else to pay for your way through life.

This from a solo parent.

If it were the other way around.....

I think you need to get a bit of perspective on this- not helped by many of these replies.
Life has been challenging and you indicate no sex in the last year-it is entirely acceptable for your partner to wank and while it feels a bit weird that he's focussing on a colleague- I struggle to see he's done that much wrong. Cries of it are ridiculous.
I think you need to focus on what you can do to support your own mental health and cut him a bit of slack. I think if you get on the same page you can absolutely get back to each other

MariaLuna is right though x

I don’t really understand why he told you, to be honest.

What people think about while doing that is their business and private. Unless they want to share it, for positive reasons.

Just seems so odd. He didn’t have to say that he wanked off to her, so why did he?

I’m sure DH has thought about women while doing that, maybe even some I know. Maybe he hasn’t. I’ve never thought about it.

Either way, I don’t want or need to know. Just like I don’t want or need to know how many women he slept with before we got together. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@GodDammitCecil good point

You caught him looking at her photos. Why did he have to admit to anything beyond that? You didn't need to know.

Oh Thank goodness. I was giving myself a slap for having such a filthy mind as was imaging him jizzing all over her/his back!
Sorry OP , no advice

@Icannoteven I really, honestly do only think of my partner but that’s down to several factors which I will spare you, one of them is that I’m not very visual or imaginative in that aspect of my life.

For some reason I’d be much more upset if my DP was thinking of someone he knew than a bit of meaningless porn so I sympathise OP.

I did however read the thread title as your DP having masturbated ON a colleague which would be disastrous.

That's disgusting and a dealbreaker.

Why would you buy a home and have kids with someone without getting married first? If things go awry, you're screwed.

It's bullshit.

OP - there is no privacy violation - he didn't hack her phone to get images. Once we put our pictures into open domain on WWW - we don't have any control over who would use them and how.

Your mind is spinning in some deep and dark places and you are making no sense.

You got with him knowing he is a healthy and sexual man. You knew he had sex with women or would masturbate.
You are now depressed and not having sex. Now you making him into some kind of monster for being a man who still has a libido.

There is nothing disgusting in having a functional libido or to masturbate.
He didn't use a porn website - but a public website with plain pictures of a person.

Sure - you can be upset that he found another woman attractive. But not sure why you'd be surprised given you have no intimacy.

You have PND. You know your mind is not working or thinking rationally. It is really a terrible idea to make lifechanging decisions affecting two children - when you are in this state. Take time to get better.
You are clearly not thinking rationally at the moment

After reading the title, I thought you were going to say he's actually ejaculated on to her in real life so what he's done doesn't seem as bad after that thought!

He was stupid to tell you what he used it for and I think it's probably more common than you think but your boundaries are your own and if he's.l crossed it, you're not wrong to leave

People often 'explode' their lives over smaller things, surely you've heard of the straw that broke the camels back.

There are clearly a lot of issues in the relationship, An unsupportive partner during PND is very likely to lead to the relationship being doomed later on anyway. That resentment and hurt normally doesn't even hit properly until well after the mental health issues and struggles have passed!

Your last paragraph is very patronising, people can be struggling mentally but it doesn't mean they're not capable of thinking rationally. I would be incredibly hurt if I found out my partner did this and would never look at him the same, never looking at him the same means the relationship would be ruined for me.

And he had kids with her knowing that sometimes it can lead to post natal depression, yet he's been completely unsupportive.

Again, another deeply patronising last paragraph. You can have PND or other mental health issues and still be thinking rationally about other problems.

@Panaa

Have you had PND yourself? Or have you had any depressive episodes where you needed help of a professional?

I speak from long experiences with both of that. It is not patronising - it’s a fact.
Just because you don't like to hear it - does not make it any less true.

PND is a mental health disorder - and your mind is, of course, affected. And rational thinking is also affected.

That is why one should not be making life changing decisions before sorting out MH.
Especially when you have recently given birth and your body and hormones already taking their time to normalise. PND adds a lot more on top.

I remember those times in a haze. I honestly do not know how my H got through it - as I wasn’t all there for quite a while. If he wanked to anyone he knew - as a way to deal with it - i really couldn't care less. I was busy trying to survive.

It isn’t uncommon to want to dramatically change life as a way to try to feel better. Run away; start a new life; (or something scarier
in my case) - anything that would make the pain/anxiety/etc stop.
But it doesn’t really help.
Medicine, counselling and time - help.

Hope OP finds a way to stop, take a breath and think.

Yes I have a lot of experience of depressive episodes, and I've had some where I'm not being rational, I had a period of my time where my window of tolerance was so narrow that I was in fight or flight mode at every little thing I previously could have coped with meaning my pre-frontal cortex shut down so I couldn't be rational.

However I've also had other depressive episodes where I am absolutely rational about situations and things that happen even if I am struggling in other ways, and have made life changing decisions which were absolutely the right decisions and ones which I would have made if I hadn't been depressed at the time.

Rational thinking might be affected by PND, but that does not mean that a person isn't thinking rationally about anything at all. So yes what you said is patronising.

You're saying she shouldn't make life changing decisions before sorting out the mental health problems, yet she asked for support from her partner through the PND and didn't receive that, he was distant and unsupportive. That could mean her mental health issues take a lot longer to recover from, or she could recover from the PND but be left with other issues, I feel that lack of support when vulnerable such as when you have PND can lead to trauma, I suppose it is like an abandonment.

I don't think she should be making a decision overnight of course, but it doesn't sound like that was the plan anyway, she mentioned her mum had a house that she was renovating that should be finished soon, soon could mean anything I suppose but with it being Christmas in a few days I'm sure it must be a few weeks at least.

So telling someone with PND to wait until their mental health is better even if they are living with the person who may have made their PND worse, or caused a trauma, when they are also disgusted by some of their other behaviour is patronising and may not be the right or healthy thing for her to do at all.

I misinterpreted the thread title and thought you meant more of a Monica Lewinsky type situation! I feel for you OP if he’s come out and stated that he’s turned on by a new work colleague - the fact the thought of her has instigated a wank could have been kept to himself but the act of telling you about it is, in my mind, the more suspect aspect. Why did he tell you? Is it because he knows it indicates something else - that he has feelings for her that he doesn’t have for you? Was it an act of cruelty - deliberately trying to make you feel insecure? Or is he just thinking honesty is the best policy.

I often wonder how many relationships would survive if we could all see each other’s fantasies. Thankfully we can’t.

You are feeling insecure and that’s what needs sorting. Have a thorough and frank conversation with each other and ensure he knows how hurt you feel. You need to find out if this is something you need to be worried about before you expend any further emotional energy on it.

To be honest I'd be surprised if my partner didn't do this. Don't we all have fantasies about people that we either know or are famous? I'm quite surprised by some of the reponses here.

The reality is most married men, if not the vast majority, have probably done something like this at one time or other. They’re just smarter at covering their tracks!

You were always best friends and partners, and you did everything for him when he became ill. However, when you gave birth and developed PND this year, he did not reciprocate, and was unsupportive and distant. When you were vulnerable and needed him, he wasn’t there for you.

I’m wondering what his agenda was when he devalued and created distance between you. Had his crush on this colleague already begun?

I too couldn’t view him in the same way knowing that he hasn’t been supportive, is drooling and masturbating over this woman’s photos, and has actually pursued her. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve actually been in a flirtation or more for quite a while.

For what? I don't think masturbating outside working hours is likely to be in breach of anyone's employment contract.