Boyfriend masturbated over colleague

[aj82x]

What would you do?

Been together eleven years. 2 kids and own a house together.

We have had a rough year with financial stresses because of inflation mortgage payments and everything else rising. He is the sole earner as I quit my career to become a full time mum.

I struggled this year mentally with post natal depression. Sex has basically become nothing. Our relationship was always great and we were best friends as well as partners. He become very distant and unsupportive this year while I was going through my struggles. Thankfully I had good friends and family to help me through.

I looked on he's phone a few nights ago (I know I shouldn't have!) but he's searches were a new girl from he's work and all over her depop photos of her in her dresses etc.

He's now after me grilling him has come clean that he was masturbating. To make it worse he never spoke to her before until a few nights ago when he went to he's Christmas party. So he approached her and spoke to her after doing this!!!!!! (They have apparently never been introduced before this)

I feel sick that he has done that I never imagined him to be that person and I find it creepy and disgusting. I am so angry about it I told him it's over. I feel like I don't trust him at all.

I have absolutely no issue with porn or anything like that. But I feel like this is way to far!? Am I being over the top? I feel absolutely sickened. He works on a building site and doesn't go into the office much (maybe sees her once every 2 weeks?)

He's excuse was that the boys from work were all talking about her being the new girl etc. I don't believe it as I know he's seen her before this as she has been there a while and he admitted he's seen her in and out the office. I'm actually beggining to think he's been having this 'fantasy' for a while.

He's begging me telling me he's sorry and he doesn't know why he done it etc but to me I think it's absolutely vile and I feel I can't see past it? Like the guy I'm with is a creep?

It may sound strange but when he's doing it to porn and woman he doesn't know it doesn't bother me .... but this is more personal.

What would you do ?

Thinking about the masturbating - that wouldn’t be an issue for me. I know I’ve definitely thought about people I know including colleagues while doing it.

The party could be completely innocent! I’ve definitely chatted, danced and socialised on nights out with friends or colleagues that I’ve fantasised about. With absolutely no plans to do anything.

it’s normal to have crushes on people and to fantasise. It doesn’t mean that there’s any intention to act on it! I would NEVER cheat on my DH but I still find other people attractive.

there’s no right way to feel and only you know what you’re happy with but I wouldn’t assume you he worst or consider his actions abnormal.

Yes it is a bit creepy but I think it is good that he told you. My husband told me he masturbated in the toileta at work which was very strange but I think they just get really horny sometimes. I think you need to talk more and definitely get him to stop looking at this girl. Breaking up I think would be too much, but definitely harsh words are needed! Don't make it easy for him!

@QAnoun You're projecting! No, not everyone does that!
Ugh, it's a creepy thought!

If you realistically don’t think you can get over it then obviously you need to leave. However I don’t think it is enough for me to tear a family apart as ick as it is, for me it isn’t worth it. But only you how you feel and only you know if it is a lined crossed where there is no coming back

But he’s still not done anything wrong or abnormal, he’s spoken to her. He’s looked at her publicly available images, he’s fantasised about her. It’s likely one of the most common things. Most men will have done it, and many women.

The issue here is no sex and you now know he fantasises about this woman, fancied her and spoke to her. As said, you can’t unring that bell. You can’t unknow. Doesn’t mean he intended to cheat though.

Just no one wants to friggen know that much, everyone wants to be in blissful ignorance. Pretend their partner would not do such a thing.

why you grilled him and why he then told you is the key issue here. And the consequence is what are you going to do now you know?

You are monitoring and overstepping the line, in fact, or does "grilling him about what he masturbates to" mean something else?

What would I do? It would depend on whether I wanted the relationship to continue. If so, I would start having sex with him again.

Thing is it's ick to imagine anyone else wanking to anything, pretty much. This is why it should be private. This is why you don't grill people about it, which is the absolute worst thing by country mile here - back story or no back story.

Not everyone nor every guy masturbates to pictures of people they know. Not everyone fantasizes. Despite what a lot of people are saying and generalizing.

Porn is impersonal (unless it's someone known irl or caused someone to have an obsession...especially to one or multiple actors).

Masturbating to someone you know and have to be in a shared space with is different. Especially since there is pretty much daily interaction...of what sorts, you don't know.

He may be working on turning that fantasy into reality (assuming it hasn't happened).

Unless she gave him pictures, he was gone out of his way to collect pictures of her, save them, perhaps cyberstalking, and has imagined her in inappropriate ways..

Your relationship is in shambles, sex life isn't, and he's doing nothing to perhaps help repair things.

Instead (assuming that he hasn't had any dealings with other women before(doubt it)) he's zeroing in and moving onto someone else.

This relationship sounds like it has run its course.
It also sounds like having kids, quitting your job, relying on him financially has ruined things.. (if it genuinely was a healthy relationship prior to all of these things)

He is only one person. The added stress and strain of trying to keep the family afloat financially, and the children changing the dynamics of the relationship, being physically mentally emotionally exhausted , perhaps neglected by you a lot....is honestly just too much.

If you are going to stay, you need to find childcare and go back into the workforce. You have to start contributing financially and something to fall back on. ..in case divorce is in the future.

Please don't have any more children ..
especially not together. It's already a stressful, unhealthy environment in which both parents are struggling don't have a healthy relationship dynamic and overwhelmed...especially financially. The innocent people that you have brought into this, lives are impacted too.

He has checked out of the relationship. Perhaps he won't ever "check" back in..

You really don't know the level and depth of their interactions.

Are you going to wait the remainder of your life and forfeit the possibility of happiness waiting to see what happens with him?

Please if you're staying or perhaps leaving...have an exit plan, and a few backups.

Ok, I understand the bit about him approaching her. What do you know about this? What were the circumstances?

I can't believe I'm writing this on a public forum - will have to NC now! - and I have no interest in persuading you to stay with a man you don't want to be with, it's obviously for you to see what is acceptable to you. But for what it's worth I am one of those people who needs some connection to be sexually attracted to someone in real life. In fantasies that means I either use a real connection and amp it way up, or completely invent one from scratch with someone I know in passing. I'm not imaginative enough to completely invent a person either, so it's always exes or colleagues or acquaintances. But it's not actually about them as people at all - they're just stand ins for whatever it is I want to think about, but that wouldn't work for me without a backstory. I'm not actually into them in reality, and would never cheat on my DH with them. For example, I have a complex fantasy about a colleague that is detailed down to us buying a house together up north and having two cats. But I absolutely do not want to sleep with him in real life. He's just a person who is attractive enough to me and who I don't know well enough so that I can sort of paint whatever personality I want on to him. It gives me no trouble at all to talk to him normally at work. I don't actually want to sleep with him!

Errr isn't this completely normal? I would be astonished if 99% of people haven't done this.

Doing it about a person you don't see every day at work might be. But a work colleague? Dodgy...

No. Men are almost always to blame but masturbation in a toilet cubicle due to 'needs' is insane. Even animals don't do that. Don't believe everything you see

Ha, very complex then....

Yeah I don't know why he told you either. I doubt it's unusual to wank over a hot colleague. In fact I think my DP has done it, based on something he said. I hate the thought of it but he's only human. Looking at the depop images is icky though.

If he's trying to be radically honest and open and that's why he admitted it then I'd maybe be more inclined to forgive him.

But have you told your DH the fantasy about your colleague?