Caught him cheating. Just ended things

[bonsailai]

After having suspicions for a while I had conformation today that BF has been cheating. I’m not sure the extent of it. We were making plans to move in together and start trying for a baby next year.

I’ve managed to stay composed but I’m shaking uncontrollably. I confronted him in person with the evidence, he walked out then came back five minutes later apologising and admitting things.

He had keys to my house which I have taken black, and I have blocked and removed him from social media/mobile numbers etcetera.

I feel partly relieved because I had suspicions for weeks and he gaslit me about them. I know he’s a horrible person, and I have no desire at all to ever speak to him again or forgive.

I haven’t been in this situation before, can any wise mumsnetters please advise how I can get through the next few days? I feel ok now (maybe from the adrenaline) but no doubt the sadness/anger/shock will hit me at some point..

thanks in advance

Be kind to yourself. You've had an awful shock, but you should be proud of yourself - in that moment of shock you were strong and reosolute and did the right thing. Even when you feel upset, you can reassure yourself that you did the right thing.

You know he's capable of lying and cheating. You know he isn't worthy of your love, and that you could never trust him again. You've done the right thing as far as your longer term happiness and wellbeing are concerned.

So be kind to yourself. Hopefully you have someone you can talk to IRL, someone, or more than one person, who you can plan some nice stuff with in the short term and medium term. Things to distract you in the coming days but also to look forward to in the new year. Think about stuff you love doing - especially things that you couldn't do so much with him around - and do it. A night watching trashy telly and eating chocolates? Long country walks? Loud music in the house? 3 hour long baths? Indulge yourself. You deserve it.

You need someone to listen while you talk your emotions out. Put the kettle on and call a friend or family member who is a good listener. Best of luck, OP, you did the right thing.

Bath bombs, candles, trashy magazines.

Listen to the first album by Linkin Park (Hybrid Theory). I cannot stress how helpful the words are during breakups. The screams are cathartic too.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

You've shut the door on him. Now just look after you.

You've got this x

The best advice I can give you is go no contact block every where.
it’s hard it took me 7 goes (my ex was very violent probably cheated too) and everyone telling me too do it.
this is the first time I’ve gone totally no contact and i can honestly say I feel better in myself. It takes time it’s a shock and it’s a trauma.

look after yourself x

Nutcracker and a potato peeler 🤔

But in all honesty I would take this as a test you passed with flying colours. Your gut told you =) means you are in tune with what's going on and won't be made a mug of ! Someone worthy and worth it will come

When you feel sad, remind yourself this is a GOOD THING in that you now know who he is and you are not tied to a rental contract/mortgage with him or carrying his baby!

Be grateful that your sixth sense is strong enough to warn you, even when you didn't have any solid proof yet.
Be grateful that you found out and he showed his true colours before tying himself to you with a house and a child. You didged a bullet!

Trust yourself. Your instincts were/are spot on and will help you through this horrible feeling.
You need to feel it, cry over it, get mad, break something, scream, and be kind to yourself while doing so.
It will get better.

Thanks for the replies all; reading through them now and taking it all on board!

I just can’t believe (well I can believe it now) that he sat down with me for dinner last weekend, and reassured me my suspicions were baseless - that he totally understood why I had the suspicions but that I had nothing to worry about. He allowed me to go through his phone to check (he had obviously wiped all the evidence of cheating) and reassured me he loved me, wanted to go ahead with our plans to try for a baby and move in together, he mentioned marriage also.

I have no doubt in my mind he wanted to continue these plans with me while continuing to cheat at every oppertunity. I feel hugely relieved that I trusted my gut suspicion and sat back until I had total certainty - otherwise I could have been convinced by his very convincing act.

Going to arrange to have an sti test and absolutely stick to no contact. The only good thing is, as another poster has mentioned, he has proven himself to be a disgusting man and I truly want nothing to do with him.

He now has no way of contacting me as I have blocked him everywhere, but if he does manage to get through somehow I will just block him on whichever method he gets through and totally ignore. He doesn’t deserve a second of my time!

Thanks again for everyone who has taken the time to offer words of wisdom and advice.

Another good thing is that I know I’ve acted with morals, integrity, and have a lot to offer the right person. He has to live with being a shitty, dishonest and manipulative person. I know which I’d prefer!

It’s better to do it now than when you’ve got kids. He’s a dud. Some of them are just rubbish as partners.

I'm so sorry that you're having such a terrible time, but well done you for having the self respect to end things. Take time to grieve and be kind to yourself.

The gall of it not to just immediately give you the information you'd asked for and let you move on in life. So infuriating. But he has now you can move forward in the knowledge you never have to deal with his lies again. Obviously that's easily said, do you have friends to talk to? Also do whatever you need for a bit of respite, food, rest, exercise, getting out of the house I don't know whether you're off for Christmas but it may help to try and break up the day a bit. I wouldn't bother speaking to him again, unless there are logistics to sort and then only the very minimum details. You'll be absolutely fine in time now you are on solid ground again.

@Catandsquirrel luckily we don’t have any logistical things to sort out - seperate finances etc - obviously our Christmas and New Year plans are off, which goes without saying. I have no intention to ever speak to him again, I don’t think there is anything he could say which I would bother dignifying with a response.

I have a close friend I confided into about my suspicions who has been really supportive throughout - she’s coming over this evening for a glass of wine and a chat. I still don’t feel sad yet, I really just feel relieved that I don’t have to live with the constant anxiety of knowing something was ‘off’ but not having enough proof to actually end the relationship.

Quite glad it’s happened before Christmas and the new year - 2024 can be a nice fresh start without a toxic and dishonest person at my side.

Also think I’ll find it quite amusing in a few weeks that when confronted with concrete evidence, he just turned around and briskly walked out the door while I remained entirely calm and composed 😂. It’s utterly pathetic.

“Also think I’ll find it quite amusing in a few weeks that when confronted with concrete evidence, he just turned around and briskly walked out the door while I remained entirely calm and composed 😂.”

No doubt about it, OP - you slayed!

The sadness has crept up a bit now - not sad that he isn’t in my life anymore, because he doesn’t deserve to be. But sad that someone I trusted and once loved and cared about could treat me in such an awful way. I think it will take a while for me to accept/get my head around it.

It will take a while to process, you're in shock at the moment. You can be incredibly proud of yourself though, you handled it with strength and dignity. I'm not sure I could have been so magnificent

Infidelity can cause ptsd. I think keeping your self esteem intact and high is crucial. You recognise he is low value and doesn’t deserve you and you are right. Keep that in the front if your mind. Write it down if you need to.

I recommend the books - cheating in a nutshell. How to help my spouse heal from my affair.
Not just friends by Shirley glass. You may feel the last two are irrelevant as you have split. I think they may help give you a few golden nuggets as to why you CHOOSE to remain faithful and that will help validate you and your integrity.

You cannot make someone remain faithful by doing x and y. For example cooking someone steak, oral sex and watching their favourite team play will not increase someone’s loyalty, integrity or honesty. It’s a daft thought and it’s why unmet needs theory is laughable.

The surviving infidelity website has good resources too. I think understanding why his poor choice had fuck all to do with you will help you remain in a good place.

If you fully understand why his poor choices are a part of him (character flaws) then hopefully you will weather the next period of your life and come out even stronger. (You sound strong and self assured already but as you recognise this will be a tricky time).

The only gift you will receive from your shitty ex cheating is (being thankful you didn’t marry him or have kids) and understanding yourself more so grab it with both hands and use this as an opportunity to really understand your values and who you are and what you want. Revenge is a life well lived. All the best.

thank you @FairyMaclary I’m going to purchase some of the books and hopefully they help.

its such a scary thought that if I found this out in a few months time rather than now, I could have been pregnant with his child and it would have made things a million times worse. Even though I feel absolutely awful, I know I’ve had a lucky escape.

He is still blocked everywhere and hasn’t tried to contact me any other way, so I doubt we will ever speak again. Hopefully it helps me to accept the situation sooner

Well done, you're right that you are much better out of this now than a year down the line, living together and pregnant.

Do you have plans over the next week or so to be around people who care about you? Keep busy, get yourself outside everyday.

I once found out just before Christmas that someone I'd been seeing wasn't who he said he was. I have a tendency to comfort eat but I remember channelling my anger and being determined that I wasn't going to shovel in all the mince pies because of him. I did a 20 min shred workout every day, enjoyed my Christmas treats and felt awesome by the 1st week of Jan!

Focus on what advice you'd give a friend in your situation. That's where the answers are. Be kind to yourself. You will feel better soon.

Thank you for all of the advice.

I actually feel worse with each day that goes by somehow. I don’t understand how we could have been so intertwined in each others lives, and he did all of this. It’s awful. Part of me wants to reach out to ask, but I know logically that’s an awful idea and he doesn’t deserve to ever speak to me again. But this is someone I thought I was going to spend my life with, who I could spend hours speaking to everyday, and none of it makes sense.

Hopefully this awful feeling passes because at the moment, I really feel like I will never be over this. I am going through the motions of daily life like a zombie - I feel totally disconnected and disengaged from everyone and everything. This has truly been the worst week of my entire life.

The fact he hasn’t reached out to apologise adds insult to injury. It’s all just so horrible and fucked up.

I wish I had a more positive update - the day it all came to a head I felt truly relieved, now I just feel like I’m suffering.

@Whataretheodds i have some plans and I’m forcing myself to follow through with them, but I honestly feel terrible the whole time. I just want to feel normal and like myself again now.

The workout approach sounds positive and like it really worked for you - I’m going to try and do some regular exercise and hopefully that helps.

Speaking as a man. You have done well to cut your loses here. Breathe with relief that you will not waste a second being with him. If you have gossippy busybody in your circle call them up and casual mention the breakup.

I can deal with being upset, angry, heartbroken, but it’s this horrible empty numb disconnected feeling which is really bothering me