Caught him cheating. Just ended things

[bonsailai]

After having suspicions for a while I had conformation today that BF has been cheating. I’m not sure the extent of it. We were making plans to move in together and start trying for a baby next year.

I’ve managed to stay composed but I’m shaking uncontrollably. I confronted him in person with the evidence, he walked out then came back five minutes later apologising and admitting things.

He had keys to my house which I have taken black, and I have blocked and removed him from social media/mobile numbers etcetera.

I feel partly relieved because I had suspicions for weeks and he gaslit me about them. I know he’s a horrible person, and I have no desire at all to ever speak to him again or forgive.

I haven’t been in this situation before, can any wise mumsnetters please advise how I can get through the next few days? I feel ok now (maybe from the adrenaline) but no doubt the sadness/anger/shock will hit me at some point..

thanks in advance

Is it possible that you’re embarrassed?
Are you embarrassed because that arsehole cheated on you while you trusted him?
The same exact thing happened to me with my husband.
He was a pilot - always gone. I wasn’t cheating so I never suspected him of cheating. Then one evening he called me out of the blue and demanded a divorce.
Then, when I served him with divorce papers, that infuriated him and he kept me in court for months.
Finally, at the end, his attorney told me that he had a two-year-old with the other woman. The other woman was 17 - he was 46. Her parents signed off on the whole sordid affair.
In the end, in 1996 dollars, my divorce cost me $85,000.
It was humiliating, but who exactly was the bastard?
Give yourself some time and grace.
You’ll be grand.
Much love.

There'd be no point asking him how long it was going on anyway OP, you already know he's a good liar!

I hope you're holding up OK this evening

Oh well done OP!

Think of the bullet you dodged - entanglements forever if you'd had children with him, a mortgage, got married...

You have a clean, clear future now, free of a cheating, abusive, controlling, gaslighting liar.

You're grieving the fantasy future he fed you, and which was never real in the first place - but it feels as if it was.

You need time, friends, good books recommended here, fun, laughs, a change of scene - keep busy and treat yourself. And maybe consider some therapy to help you move through the complex responses you're quite rightly feeling.

All the very best to you for 2024.

Hi all. Thanks again for the replies, I’m finding the advice really helpful.

I feel like I’m through the worst of the initial shock/upset now - I’m sure more waves will come but I have started to accept things. As much as I did genuinely love him, the bottom line is he is an incredibly dishonest and horrible person and he can never be in my life again based on that. I won’t ever speak to him again because there would be no point, he has already shown himself to be an untrustworthy liar and any further communication would just put me in the firing line.

Hopefully once I’ve processed it all (and aren’t still waking up at 4am thinking about things!) I can meet someone who is right for me.

@bonsailai your strength is infectious - I am going through a very similar situation and it does hurt a lot. It's oddly comforting to know others are going through the same (although I am sorry you are suffering).

I hope you find your happiness again soon.

Thanks @Throwawaytoast , sorry you’re going through something similar, it’s such a horrible experience. I agree it’s helpful knowing others are going through it, I read through some old mumsnet posts this week where people had been through the same and came out the other side, which gives me some hope!

fingers crossed 2024 is a nice fresh start for us.

Remember you were in love with who you thought he was, the mirage, the mask he showed you.

Not with who he really is. What was actually going on behind the smoke and mirrors, beyond the mask.

It's so positive that you discovered the truth early, before you'd sunk down too deep.

Thanks @JFDIYOLO I definitely needed this reminder. It’s so hard to get my head around because I could never have done anything like this to him. From his side it was all fake for his own gain, the version of him I loved wasn’t the real him but I feel like I’m mourning that version I believed I was in a relationship with. I just can’t believe he sat there and talked me through my worries, reassured me, held my hand, told me how important our relationship was - and it was all an act!

Had an awful nights sleep last night so it’s feeling quite raw again today.

I understand that kind of behaviour can be narcissistic, even sociopathic. Which is why it would be wise for you to source some therapy from a professional who can help you unpick what he did to you and why he did it. It wasn't you - it was him. Of course you can't get your head round his behaviour - because you're not like him and wouldn't do that. Time for professional help so you aren't coping with this alone.

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/sociopath/sociopaths-in-relationships-dating-a-sociopath

Thanks @JFDIYOLO I’m going to give it another week or so and then look into therapy to help me process things.

As much as I know he caused all this and was the problem, after him being the main person in my life that I spent time with for quite some time, someone I expected to spend the rest of my life with and who knew everything about me, it’s impossible for this all to not have a huge impact on me.

Still feeling a bit like I’ll never really get over this currently. It’s been over a week now and I have done all the ‘right things’ on paper but feel the opposite of positive/motivated with life.

I just want to lie in bed and be left alone

Seems so unfair that he has screwed my whole life/mental health up, and has been able to skip off into the distance with one (or all) of the women he’s been cheating on me with for god knows how long.

Finding it hard to not have a pity party and mope around over it. I’ve been dragging myself out everyday, making plans with friends etc, but it hasn’t been helping at all 😥

Well done for dealing with his lying arse. My daughter dated this chap for 3 months. He adored her, worshipped the ground she walked on nothing too much trouble. Then she saw a picture of him with another woman on social media
Something triggered her suspicions she found her name and contacted her
It was his live in girlfriend of 3 years
Who had recently had a miscarriage. She originally accused dd of lying
Then when sent screen shots of his messages and photos of the weekends he had spent with her claimed they must have been photoshopped! Finally she phoned dd and said it was alright because he didn't love her and said she was ugly! Dd told her to get checked for stis because that's her first thought. She responded that she did that every 4 months anyway because this was not the first time he had cheated
But he was crying and very sorry
Dd blocked him on everything. Girlfriend is still with him. Beggars belief
Well done for using your brain and dumping his sorry ass. You'd be surprised how many women tie themselves in knots trying to believe these scum bags

It's hugely unfair.

Have a pity party. Go for it.

Do what you need to do.

After whatever period of time, you will get out there again. I promise.

You're right though. It is unfair. But one day you will shrug and go, "Meh." about it all.

Thanks @BlastedPimples I just don’t feel like things are getting any better yet. I’m already in bed because I feel so emotionally exhausted, just waiting for each day to end at the moment.

Hopefully things start lifting a bit more next week but I’m not holding my breath on it

That’s awful @Damnedidont there seems to be so many men out there capable of this sort of despicable behaviour! I hope she is doing ok now?

There is no set time in this recovery period, you know.

@bonsailai I'm with you all the way. Sorry I've no words of encouragement, but I'm at a loss myself at the moment. But this too shall pass, as they say.

Dd is fine - albeit furious. His girlfriend has contrived to construct a scenario whereby it was all a misunderstanding! Hope 2024 brings you a bright future

@Damnedidont If nothing else she’s one determined gf.

I’m really sorry this has happened. You must feel lost and likely be that next few days and weeks going to be hellish for you. Especially if you still love him. You have to deal with the hurt, betrayal and grief over the future you hoped you’d share. Likely at times too you might feel drawn to him like a magnet in weak moments but best thing you can do is realise it’s not normal circumstances for you just now so keep busy. Feel what you feel. Cry, scream, talk it out, don’t if you’re not ready etc. Be extra kind to yourself too. Avoid social media and if it was me get his number blocked and don’t engage. Behaviour is a language and its not what he says that matters but what he’s done that counts. Well done handling it so well (even if inside you in turmoil) so far. Boss move getting your key back. Hang in there too. It will ease. When you’re going through hell best thing is to keep going! Sucks you pay in pain but he’s the real loser here.

Hi all. Slightly more positive update today - I feel like I have turned a bit of a page now. Still very upset obviously, but I was reading up on stuff last night about people who have been through similar to me, and it really dawned on me how abnormal and unhealthy his behaviour has been.

The shock has worn off a bit so I can see more clearly the fact that he is a genuinely horrible person - normal people don’t go around doing things like this. It just isn’t normal or healthy, there is something really wrong with someone who can be that calculated, manipulative and dishonest over a period of time, with no conscience AT ALL. And then be able to detach so easily from someone he was in a long term relationship with.. as upset as I am, I know my emotional reaction is normal and to be expected.

I don’t want to get into the habit of being an armchair psychologist and diagnosing him with things, but if the shoe fits..

Looking back now I can also see a few red flags which I missed because I wasn’t on the look out for them and didn’t suspect him at all. So at least I have learnt what to look out for in future relationships.

Thanks again for everyone who has offered support on this thread - it’s really helped me get through these first 10/11 days. I was meant to be away overnight with him for NYE, but a close friend of mine has booked for us to go for a meal at a lovely restaurant/bar instead as a treat. It’s the first time I have looked forward to anything since the breakup!

Thanks @RedRock41 wise words! I think blocking him everywhere and not even considering engaging at all has been the right choice here, if it was a normal breakup I would have wanted to talk things through for closure on both sides, but what he has done is so abhorrent that there is nothing to really discuss - he doesn’t deserve a word from me. I rarely use social media but I decided to deactivate my pages temporarily, to avoid the temptation to snoop.

The fact he has not even reached out to apologise properly speaks volumes about his weak character and lack of morals. I’m starting to feel more and more relieved that I won’t be entering 2024 with him - and my condolences to whichever other woman he’s lumped himself with since I ended things! He isn’t a prize.

@JFDIYOLO i just read through that link you posted a few days ago - and it’s disturbingly spot on! Thanks for posting - I have contacted a couple of therapists to try and get some counselling set up for the new year, and went for therapists who specialise in helping people process this sort of toxic relationship. It feels good to invest some of my energy into something to help me move forwards rather than being stuck in the ‘moping’ stage of the breakup.

I know you’re feeling fragile so I’m sending you virtual 🤗 hugs.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for being a decent person who doesn’t lie and cheat.
You deserve so much more than deceit and lies and have chucked him to the kerb where he belongs!
You will be grieving for the future you thought you had with the fake persona he created to be with you.
you are awesome and know your own self worth.
Pamper yourself, your MH might feel bad now but imagine how much worse it would’ve been had moved in and had a child together.
Give your self a round of applause as you really dodged a bullet there.

Thank you @Jamjaris 💐 I definitely have dodged a bullet, that’s starting to sink in now the shock is wearing off. I’ve treated myself to some new skincare, bath bombs and new clothes to cheer myself up