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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught him cheating. Just ended things

132 replies

bonsailai · 21/12/2023 13:41

After having suspicions for a while I had conformation today that BF has been cheating. I’m not sure the extent of it. We were making plans to move in together and start trying for a baby next year.

I’ve managed to stay composed but I’m shaking uncontrollably. I confronted him in person with the evidence, he walked out then came back five minutes later apologising and admitting things.

He had keys to my house which I have taken black, and I have blocked and removed him from social media/mobile numbers etcetera.

I feel partly relieved because I had suspicions for weeks and he gaslit me about them. I know he’s a horrible person, and I have no desire at all to ever speak to him again or forgive.

I haven’t been in this situation before, can any wise mumsnetters please advise how I can get through the next few days? I feel ok now (maybe from the adrenaline) but no doubt the sadness/anger/shock will hit me at some point..

thanks in advance

OP posts:
Whenwasthis · 09/02/2024 19:51

Please think about this shit stirrer and stop framing her actions as ' reaching out '. You've used this term at least three times.

She'not ' reaching out ' she's taking the piss.

aitchteeaitch · 10/02/2024 17:26

bonsailai · 09/02/2024 14:36

Thanks for the replies - just reading through them now.

Feel utterly awful today. I haven’t eaten anything and I feel incredibly anxious. I was making such good progress with moving on in my life, and since my ‘friend’ waded in and decided to reach out to me to update me on his love life/ issues with new girlfriend, I’m feeling horrendous - it’s brought everything back up to the forefront for me.

I responded to her saying I did not want to discuss anything to do with him, so do not involve me. It turns out she has also gossiped to a couple of our mutual friends who have fed back to me. I have no idea why she has taken it upon herself to get involved at all really, it feels very gossipy to me.

This other one is loving her position of muckspreading gossip-monger, isn't she?

Original poster
bonsailai · 11/02/2024 06:19

aitchteeaitch · 10/02/2024 17:26

This other one is loving her position of muckspreading gossip-monger, isn't she?

Show quote history

It seems so! I’ve disengaged from it all and said I don’t want anything to do with it but still feel horrible about things.

I’m so annoyed because I was feeling positive about things and was getting to the stage where he was not on my mind daily. I was getting on with life and enjoying being free of the stress he caused me. Now I keep going over everything in my head all over again, it feels like the start of the breakup

OP posts:
roses321 · 12/02/2024 11:28

Yeah it will do, this is normal, it's perfectly normal.

Think of yourself being broken and remade. You've been exposed to "new information" which brings back the trauma, but then you'll adapt to that, and then eventually you'll be broken and remade to the point you won't actually give a shit anymore.

It takes time, sucks and is frustrating but I feel right now i'm coming out the other side. No doubt something will happen to cause me to go backwards again but I know that i'll then go forwards shortly after.

Stick with it. Stick with it. Stick with it. It's normal, you're normal. He isn't - he's a bloody time bomb and you'll be nowhere near him when he eventually implodes.

Original poster
bonsailai · 13/02/2024 16:44

roses321 · 12/02/2024 11:28

Yeah it will do, this is normal, it's perfectly normal.

Think of yourself being broken and remade. You've been exposed to "new information" which brings back the trauma, but then you'll adapt to that, and then eventually you'll be broken and remade to the point you won't actually give a shit anymore.

It takes time, sucks and is frustrating but I feel right now i'm coming out the other side. No doubt something will happen to cause me to go backwards again but I know that i'll then go forwards shortly after.

Stick with it. Stick with it. Stick with it. It's normal, you're normal. He isn't - he's a bloody time bomb and you'll be nowhere near him when he eventually implodes.

Thank you 💐 that’s exactly what it is, it’s dragged it all up. I obviously knew he would have just fucked off with one of the women he’d been cheating with, but at the same time I was happy not knowing and not thinking about it. Having confirmation that he’s in a relationship with someone he was seeing and sleeping with while we were together has really rubbed salt in the wound. I feel horrendous about it all but hopefully in time I feel normal again. But I’m really not feeling too positive about that currently. I feel nothing towards him at all, just distressed by the entire situation.

OP posts:
roses321 · 13/02/2024 16:59

bonsailai · 13/02/2024 16:44

Thank you 💐 that’s exactly what it is, it’s dragged it all up. I obviously knew he would have just fucked off with one of the women he’d been cheating with, but at the same time I was happy not knowing and not thinking about it. Having confirmation that he’s in a relationship with someone he was seeing and sleeping with while we were together has really rubbed salt in the wound. I feel horrendous about it all but hopefully in time I feel normal again. But I’m really not feeling too positive about that currently. I feel nothing towards him at all, just distressed by the entire situation.

Show quote history

Yeah i know you do, it's perfectly normal. A lot of us have been there.

Honestly though, they'll be all awesome for the first x amount of months but after that the cracks will start showing - you won't see it, you won't know about it but it'll happen.

Consider that the ordeal is over for you and just beginning for someone else. Sucks to be them!

Newestname002 · 13/02/2024 17:33

@bonsailai

Your "friend" proved not to entirely have your interests at heart. She sounds like one of those emotional vampires who can't wait to put themselves front and centre and betray the confidences of those they're supposed to love and support. Bad enough your ex behaving like a skank without this on top.

Definitely time to refocus your energies on yourself. Might it help to have a few sessions with a professional, qualified counsellor who you can talk your situation with in a neutral way - knowing that what you discuss will go no further? Also, perhaps consider a regular deep tissue/acupressure massage for a while? I used to have this regularly (accompanied with acupuncture if you wished) and got endorphin highs, floating home from those sessions and slept deeply on those evenings.

Whatever you decide you sound like a strong person and will get through this - thrive not survive. 🌹

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