Caught him cheating. Just ended things

[bonsailai]

After having suspicions for a while I had conformation today that BF has been cheating. I’m not sure the extent of it. We were making plans to move in together and start trying for a baby next year.

I’ve managed to stay composed but I’m shaking uncontrollably. I confronted him in person with the evidence, he walked out then came back five minutes later apologising and admitting things.

He had keys to my house which I have taken black, and I have blocked and removed him from social media/mobile numbers etcetera.

I feel partly relieved because I had suspicions for weeks and he gaslit me about them. I know he’s a horrible person, and I have no desire at all to ever speak to him again or forgive.

I haven’t been in this situation before, can any wise mumsnetters please advise how I can get through the next few days? I feel ok now (maybe from the adrenaline) but no doubt the sadness/anger/shock will hit me at some point..

thanks in advance

Thank you for your updates OP. I particularly like what you said about feeling relief about not entering 2024 with him. I'm going to try and take that on board for myself. You sound amazing and I hope you make next year great for yourself.

Thanks @Bone11 , I hope your 2024 is great too 💐

Another rough day today - came down with Covid so feel terrible physically as well as mentally now.

I have started logging the no contact days on an app, makes me feel like I’m making some sort of progress even though emotionally I still feel horrific.

I felt relieved at first and was focused on how angry and betrayed I felt - now I just feel sad. All the stuff which I thought was meaningful was totally fake, months of my life has been a lie and waste of my energy. I was giving so much energy to him, giving him emotional support when he was going through some personal stuff etcetera, and the entire time he was lying and cheating. And able to act normal around me - it’s just all so messed up.

Hopefully I’ll have a better update in the coming weeks on this thread, and I can look back on some of my really heartbroken/distraught posts and see that I’ve made some progress.. fingers crossed anyway.

You're broken hearted. Of course you feel horrific. And this newest Covid strain is nasty too.

It's also traumatic to find out someone isn't who you thought they were. Really devastating. And disturbing. Headfuckery is the best way to describe it. So you've got that and heartbreak to process.

It takes time. Give yourself time. But also when you're free of Covid, start to plan some lovely enjoyable things to do.

Thank goodness you found out sooner rather than later. I was married for 16 years when I found out my stbxh was the worst kind of serial adulterer and prolific liar. Astonishing level of deceit.

You could try keeping a journal. It could help process a bit and you can reread it in months to come and observe your progress.

It was real to you. Your interactions, intentions, emotions, love and support were real, not fake. You were real. I had to come to terms with a similar realisation, I thought everything was real then was betrayed and thought it was all fake and was horrified, so many more layers of betrayal with every memory I had to reframe. But a bit further along than you, whilst still not recovered, I appreciate that my side was real, my experience was real, and there is no shame in believing in someone you love. This is all on him. His behaviour is despicable. He is not a decent man. It is deeply traumatic going through something like this, just keep getting through the days and nights and be as kind as you can to yourself.

Thanks @BlastedPimples you have summed it up so well. It’s really disturbing, it’s like I have to deal with processing all of the lies and manipulation and deceit, on top of the regular break-up/heartbreak feelings. It’s a total mindfuck - sorry you were with someone awful too, no one deserves such a shit partner.

Logically I know I had a lucky escape and things could have been so much worse. He was really pushing for us to have kids, live together, get married etc - I was the one who slowed down the pace of things as I didn’t want to rush into such big life choices. Thank god!

Spot on - it really is upsetting knowing there was so much betrayal/dishonesty/manipulation, So it’s like I have to go back and reframe a huge amount of the past few months. Thank you for the wise words.

At first I think I was subconsciously trying to push away the genuine heartbroken feeling, but I’ve realised I have to process all of that hurt as well because like you said, things were real to me - but at the same time, acknowledging he’s a shitty, disgusting person who I want nothing to do with.

I have been tempted to reach out to him a couple of times when I’ve been really upset - just to ask how he could have put me through all of this and been so twisted. I won’t actually reach out because I know I won’t get a good answer - so I just write it down and vent that way. I will absolutely never speak to him again, he’s utterly vile.

You will never get the truth from him.

You can't ever get healing and relief from the person who hurt you. That's the truth.

You did exactly the right thing. It comes as a shock but thank goodness you found out about this betrayal before you got pregnant. You are too good for him. Don't weaken. Stay strong.

I know I did the right thing but I just don’t feel like I’ll ever get over this. My life feels so empty and shit. I genuinely haven’t felt this bad ever in my whole life, by quite a long shot.

It’s been over two weeks now and I feel so much worse than I did at first

Hang on there, this will pass. Can you plan activities with family and friends? Anything to keep you occupied. Mad spring clean, new hair do, hobby, overtime. I know it's awful.

This is totally normal and it will take a long time. There's no point in lying about this. All you can do is one day at a time.

Thanks for replies. I feel so emotionally drained, it feels like there is a physical weight in my stomach/chest I’m carrying around, I feel on the verge of crying most of the time and just don’t see things improving

I have never had a breakup like this before - previous breakups have been upsetting but there wasn’t any cheating/manipulation involved, obviously I felt really upset at the time but nothing like this experience

@Damnedidont I’ve been forcing myself to make plans but I feel horrible the whole time. I have an important project at work which needs to be completed in the next few days and I just can’t focus on it, it’ll really screw up my job if I fail to complete it as it’s been allocated to me solely

Really not enjoying life currently. This time a few weeks ago things were so different, I almost miss being with him and being ignorant to the fact it was all fake - at least I felt some happiness then

You need some sunshine. Ideally on an adventure holiday. Something to make you feel in control again and to boost your feel good hormones.

Can you afford to take some time off and do something big like that? Perhaps with a travel company that does group trips so you have other people to meet and socialise with and you can bounce ideas off them for things to do and see or join them on the preplanned activities.

I think there are time in our life where we should do big things to help us 'reset'. You need to go on an adventure imo.

You're doing amazing. It is going to hurt. I found reading self help books good, bit corny but the Paul mckenna I can mend your broken heart

Also yes to the holiday. Fly somewhere. I went to the other side of the world but you don't need to go that far!

You are doing so well! It is viscerally horrible-so take a long time to heal but it will heal and you are doing all the right things xxx

Dear Bonsai I'm so sorry you're going through this shit. Just sent you a PM.

Take care

Hi op I've been following your updates i know its hard I gave My ex partner the boot after 17 year off putting up with lies and it takes Time even 6 weeks down the line I would feel like a hammer hit my chest it's emotions let your head and body get on with it honestly your better without him and in a few weeks you will relish that

Slightly positive update today. I decided on Saturday I needed to be a bit more proactive with feeling better about life, so I had a big clear out of the kitchen and did a food shop with lots of healthy foods. I’ve started taking some supplements which seem to be helping my mood (like magnesium before bed). I feel like I’m actually starting to feel normal and like myself again, I still feel upset and hurt but it’s becoming bearable.

Also keep reminding myself of how awful he is and that I’m having a normal response to such a horrible betrayal - he is the abnormal twisted one, for doing what he did. Even the way he handled things ending was weak and pathetic.

Have lots on at work at the moment, including a work trip overnight so it has been nice to have that to focus on. I feel like I’m getting my life back a bit, and adjusting to him not being in it.

I’m sure more rough days will follow, I’m still sleeping quite badly and having bad dreams but hopefully that settles in time.

Thanks again for everyone who has offered advice on my thread. It’s been a real source of support for me when I’ve felt low and hopeless over the past few weeks.

@Pinkbonbon that sounds like a fabulous idea, I am going to look into it! Have some extra money I saved from the breakup and cancelling all of our plans we had coming up, so it would be good to use that for something for me. Thank you for the suggestion

You're doing brilliantly 👏 Going through the emotional stages but doing positive things to match and counteract them.

I'm in awe of you OP. You are Zelda the warrior! 💪💪💪Keep being awesome and remember you are a queen and he is just a pathetic, sneaky shitbag.

Hi all. Just thought I’d do an update since it’s been just over four weeks since it happened.

I can honestly say I feel happy in my day to day life and don’t actually think of him much. This is way sooner than I expected to feel okay about things! Every now and then I get a wave of emotions but it’s getting few and far between.

I think the reason I’m getting over it (relatively) quickly is because I’ve been really focusing my energy on other things - my health, fitness, friendships and work. All of those areas are going well, and what he did was so fucking awful I don’t have any feelings of love or waves of missing him like with a normal breakup. Im sure I’ll have more moments of feeling upset, I’m only human and I’m not a cold and empty person like he is.. but I’m moving on with my life, and it’s way better without him.

Thanks again for everyone who offered support and advice on this thread.