Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Caught him cheating. Just ended things

132 replies

bonsailai · 21/12/2023 13:41

After having suspicions for a while I had conformation today that BF has been cheating. I’m not sure the extent of it. We were making plans to move in together and start trying for a baby next year.

I’ve managed to stay composed but I’m shaking uncontrollably. I confronted him in person with the evidence, he walked out then came back five minutes later apologising and admitting things.

He had keys to my house which I have taken black, and I have blocked and removed him from social media/mobile numbers etcetera.

I feel partly relieved because I had suspicions for weeks and he gaslit me about them. I know he’s a horrible person, and I have no desire at all to ever speak to him again or forgive.

I haven’t been in this situation before, can any wise mumsnetters please advise how I can get through the next few days? I feel ok now (maybe from the adrenaline) but no doubt the sadness/anger/shock will hit me at some point..

thanks in advance

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 19/01/2024 21:34

That's great OP. Good for you!

MILTOBE · 19/01/2024 22:47

That's great news. And he has to live with himself - the greatest punishment.

Flowers
MyStarBoy · 19/01/2024 23:52

Brilliant news.
You’re a real fighter and your update will hopefully give others that are in the same position, some inspiration💐

Pinkbonbon · 20/01/2024 06:06

Glad you're feeling much better op!
Sounds like you've turned the corner and shook off his hold. Hopefully plain sailing from here on in!

JFDIYOLO · 21/01/2024 09:04

Hi OP - quick visit to sat it's perfectly normal to feel worse before you feel better.

This is the Kubler Ross change curve and it describes that process well.

Originally developed to work with illness and grieving it now gets used to describe all kinds of situations where you've been through a nasty situation and can sink low down into sadness after the first shock is passed, acknowledges that that's to be expected and that it takes work to climb up into the sunlight again:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-53267505

Mother and daughter embracing

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: The rise and fall of the five stages of grief

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's stages of grief are now rarely taught in a medical setting but live on in management.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-53267505

bonsailai · 08/02/2024 15:00

Bit of a shit update. Heard through the grapevine that he has been dating someone who is fairly close to one of my (not particularly close) friends - but the woman he is dating has had some worries about him and his behaviour and confided them to my friend, who has reached out to me. She doesn’t know how things ended between us as we aren’t close so I did not confide in her, she just knows our relationship ended. I feel really anxious about it all now though, and it’s dragged it all up for me.

Partly I want to let the new woman know how awful he was to me so she can make an informed choice and trust her gut - but part of me really doesn’t want to be involved. I was making good progress moving on in life and forgetting about all of the bullshit slowly, this has brought it to the forefront again.

Any words of wisdom on how to navigate this, very welcome!

OP posts:
jdebalt · 08/02/2024 15:29

Read Rosie Green's book "from heartbreak to happy" (much better than the naff title suggests!)

bonsailai · 08/02/2024 15:53

I wish my friend hadn’t reached out to me about all of this. It’s dragged it all back up big time :/ really struggled to get through the working day today.

OP posts:
bonsailai · 08/02/2024 15:54

jdebalt · 08/02/2024 15:29

Read Rosie Green's book "from heartbreak to happy" (much better than the naff title suggests!)

Thank you for the suggestion

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 08/02/2024 16:10

Hi OP

I recall your thread form when you first posted, so have read it again - with regard to the new woman, I wouldn't get involved. First you'll be bring ing all those memories up again when you're starting to heal; but mostly it will confirm to him that you're still thinking about him, even in a negative way. And let's face it, if it gets back to him that you said anything you'll be badmouthing him because you're the toxic ex who made his life a misery and who he couldn't wait to get away from, won't you? 😉

IntriguingFactJumble · 08/02/2024 16:14

Bless ya. My first thought is to give your friend a short version of the truth about him to pass along to the current woman. Sorry it has been dragged up again but I would personally take a little bit of pleasure thinking I could maybe screw up his life. And you'd be helping another woman to be free of a lying scumbag. Take care of yourself anyway. 💐

Rainbowshine · 08/02/2024 16:19

I’d say to your friend that you don’t want to talk about it and please don’t mention him to you again. 1 you are making yourself very clear about it and 2 not getting dragged into things and 3 most of us would read into that that he’s no good which is enough for them to convey some sort of response to the woman asking.

Whenwasthis · 08/02/2024 16:24

You do absolutely nothing and don't get involved. Tell this friend to go and find someone else to live out her ridiculous soap opera pursuit of drama with as it won't be you.
Reached out..what an absolute load of bollocks.

doitwithlove · 08/02/2024 16:43

I agree you do & say nothing. Keep your self busy thats all you need to do.

Well done in how far you have come 🌻

BlastedPimples · 08/02/2024 17:28

Hi op,

The new woman won't believe what you say if she will think he couldn't possibly do it to her anyway.

Just keep schtum. Focus on you.

Your ex will probably burn through a few relationships.

You take stock. Take your time. Heal. Ignore him. Don't discuss him with anyone who knows him or is connected with him.

Dignity is all yours. Keep on walking away.

BlastedPimples · 08/02/2024 17:28

I mean the new gf won't believe he could do the same to her.

aitchteeaitch · 08/02/2024 17:32

bonsailai · 08/02/2024 15:53

I wish my friend hadn’t reached out to me about all of this. It’s dragged it all back up big time :/ really struggled to get through the working day today.

You could respond to this friend and just say something like "I won't bore you with the details, but I found out the scumbag was cheating on me so I dumped him. Good riddance."

roses321 · 08/02/2024 17:56

Oh sweetheart, I completely understand what you are going through more than you will ever know.

I met a man in 2018 and thought he was "it" and I regret not doing exactly what you did the second I found him on apps. I stayed for another 4 years looking over my shoulder. I did leave him about 3 years in after he was abusive towards me, but he came back and pulled out all the stops for me.

I ended up buying a house with him, moving back in with him, he even proposed to me and I never checked his phone again because subsciouscly I decided what I didn't know couldn't hurt me.

He would uninstall all the apps after he'd finished chatting and give me his passwords to make me feel "at ease" because he loved me so much. So much of what he said and did was amazing but it was all completely fake. The mask slipped when I questioned him though, he didn't like that.

In May last year I just got up and left our house, he lives there, I live in a room share. I've had to mourn and am still mourning all my dreams and hopes and the fun times we had, the things we said, the affectionate times we had. It was all a lie from his end, all of it was fake.

One of my friends who lives near our house told me that there was a girl going there regularly and I found out it was his 24 year old colleague, he's 47.

I'm in a room share, single, can't bring myself to date anyone even 9 months later and he moved on within weeks. My friend even helpfully sent me a photo of her car which broke my heart. When I went to get some post from our house while he was out I found a sex kit on the floor. I had to sell all my beautiful furniture to pay off the debt and dismantle my whole life. I'm now in a battle with him to get the house sold, which he won't buy me out of and tries to block me progressing to a sale.

I wish I had done what you did and cut him out as soon as I found out. The grief is up and down and it's so hard to mourn the loss of dreams you had, a person you thought you had but never really did. It truly is traumatising and hard.

I want to assure you that you are getting there though, you are extremely strong and resilient even if you don't feel it. There will be a happy ending for you.

For him however: Yeah he'll be doing what my ex is doing, dating others and treating them all the same as he treated you, but as my counsellor says to me, they are deeply deeply unhealthy people and they will never change or accept responsibility because they are just not well people. There is something inherently wrong with them to be able to do things like this, and it seems impossible to get to grips with when you were with them and loved them, but it's the truth.

You handled this whole thing like an absolute pro and honestly things will dredge it up again occasionally but you're going to get through it and you're going to be ok. He is not living his best life, he never has. He is mentally incapable of forming authentic attachments... and honestly you have to feel sad for those kinds of people in a way.

Don't get involved in any of it, just move forward. Don't warn other women because they'll either accuse you of jealousy or you'll involve yourself dealing with him again. Just stay away and focus forward girl.

bonsailai · 09/02/2024 14:36

Thanks for the replies - just reading through them now.

Feel utterly awful today. I haven’t eaten anything and I feel incredibly anxious. I was making such good progress with moving on in my life, and since my ‘friend’ waded in and decided to reach out to me to update me on his love life/ issues with new girlfriend, I’m feeling horrendous - it’s brought everything back up to the forefront for me.

I responded to her saying I did not want to discuss anything to do with him, so do not involve me. It turns out she has also gossiped to a couple of our mutual friends who have fed back to me. I have no idea why she has taken it upon herself to get involved at all really, it feels very gossipy to me.

OP posts:
bonsailai · 09/02/2024 14:43

I feel like my progress has been undone 😞

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/02/2024 14:51

She sounds like a little shit stirrer who enjoys wallowing in other people's misery.

The good thing is that you now know she's not a friend.

Often when we spot one asshole in our life and start thinking 'hang on, I deserve better than this', we start to see that we've been tolerating other dubious people in our life too.

Gossips rarely get the gossip right anyway btw. It's Chinese whispers.

bonsailai · 09/02/2024 17:59

I think you’re right @Pinkbonbon . I’m not going to have anything to do with her after this, she could have easily just stayed out of it rather than gone out of her way to involve herself and me.

It’s all been dragged up now for me emotionally so I feel pretty shit but hopefully once the dust settles I’ll be back into the swing of things. I was really enjoying the mental space from having him out of my life and focusing on more important things, I need to get back to that.

OP posts:
bonsailai · 09/02/2024 18:01

roses321 · 08/02/2024 17:56

Oh sweetheart, I completely understand what you are going through more than you will ever know.

I met a man in 2018 and thought he was "it" and I regret not doing exactly what you did the second I found him on apps. I stayed for another 4 years looking over my shoulder. I did leave him about 3 years in after he was abusive towards me, but he came back and pulled out all the stops for me.

I ended up buying a house with him, moving back in with him, he even proposed to me and I never checked his phone again because subsciouscly I decided what I didn't know couldn't hurt me.

He would uninstall all the apps after he'd finished chatting and give me his passwords to make me feel "at ease" because he loved me so much. So much of what he said and did was amazing but it was all completely fake. The mask slipped when I questioned him though, he didn't like that.

In May last year I just got up and left our house, he lives there, I live in a room share. I've had to mourn and am still mourning all my dreams and hopes and the fun times we had, the things we said, the affectionate times we had. It was all a lie from his end, all of it was fake.

One of my friends who lives near our house told me that there was a girl going there regularly and I found out it was his 24 year old colleague, he's 47.

I'm in a room share, single, can't bring myself to date anyone even 9 months later and he moved on within weeks. My friend even helpfully sent me a photo of her car which broke my heart. When I went to get some post from our house while he was out I found a sex kit on the floor. I had to sell all my beautiful furniture to pay off the debt and dismantle my whole life. I'm now in a battle with him to get the house sold, which he won't buy me out of and tries to block me progressing to a sale.

I wish I had done what you did and cut him out as soon as I found out. The grief is up and down and it's so hard to mourn the loss of dreams you had, a person you thought you had but never really did. It truly is traumatising and hard.

I want to assure you that you are getting there though, you are extremely strong and resilient even if you don't feel it. There will be a happy ending for you.

For him however: Yeah he'll be doing what my ex is doing, dating others and treating them all the same as he treated you, but as my counsellor says to me, they are deeply deeply unhealthy people and they will never change or accept responsibility because they are just not well people. There is something inherently wrong with them to be able to do things like this, and it seems impossible to get to grips with when you were with them and loved them, but it's the truth.

You handled this whole thing like an absolute pro and honestly things will dredge it up again occasionally but you're going to get through it and you're going to be ok. He is not living his best life, he never has. He is mentally incapable of forming authentic attachments... and honestly you have to feel sad for those kinds of people in a way.

Don't get involved in any of it, just move forward. Don't warn other women because they'll either accuse you of jealousy or you'll involve yourself dealing with him again. Just stay away and focus forward girl.

God that’s so awful. I’m so sorry you went through all of that. Thank you for your advice! Completely agree that there is something deeply wrong with people who can treat others like this - it can’t come from a healthy place, it comes from a dark and empty place. At least I have the capacity for a healthy relationship, men like that will never manage it.

OP posts:
justtidying · 09/02/2024 18:11

I'm sorry. I remember the hurt as a physical pain.

You will look back on this and think 'phew!', even pity for the new woman.

It just takes time.

Caught him cheating. Just ended things
OkayKinkade · 09/02/2024 18:17

It always feels worse after the initial flurry of finding out, ending it and feeling 'proud' that you had the strength to end it. Day to day reality then sets in and you can feel lonely, miss them and remember the good times. You just have to keep on keeping on. It's shit and layers and layers need to peel away. Keep your chin up and keep striding forwards.