Caught him cheating. Just ended things

[bonsailai]

After having suspicions for a while I had conformation today that BF has been cheating. I’m not sure the extent of it. We were making plans to move in together and start trying for a baby next year.

I’ve managed to stay composed but I’m shaking uncontrollably. I confronted him in person with the evidence, he walked out then came back five minutes later apologising and admitting things.

He had keys to my house which I have taken black, and I have blocked and removed him from social media/mobile numbers etcetera.

I feel partly relieved because I had suspicions for weeks and he gaslit me about them. I know he’s a horrible person, and I have no desire at all to ever speak to him again or forgive.

I haven’t been in this situation before, can any wise mumsnetters please advise how I can get through the next few days? I feel ok now (maybe from the adrenaline) but no doubt the sadness/anger/shock will hit me at some point..

thanks in advance

I know it sounds childish but it all just feels really unfair. No doubt he’s perfectly happy spending time with all the women he has been cheating with, while I’m sitting at home alone on Christmas Eve really upset.

All the emotions you're describing are entirely normal and to be expected in the situation but that doesn't make them feel any less rubbish! I know it sounds impossible to believe but you will get out of the other side of this. The trick is to do a bit of keeping on keeping on while you're having the feelings (normal tasks, cleaning and tidying/burning through admin is cathartic, fresh air and exercise, and you're allowed some wallow time too).

They say the best revenge is a life well-lived. Very best of luck!

OP I haven’t been in exactly your situation, but I think you are being amazing in how you are handling this. You are doing all the right things.

You seem to have a lot of self-control and can follow through on the advice of your own sensible mind.

But we all have stupid hearts. Part of you will be missing the hopes and dreams you had to set aside when it became clear he wasn’t the right person to share them with you. Part of you has probably got the ridiculous urge to ‘make it all right’ again.

It’s so confusing to be with a manipulative liar. Especially if you’re not used to being fooled- and I imagine you’re not, judging by your conduct.

I would like to recommend something that I find works with pretty much all unwanted thoughts, not just this situation, and that is, at the beginning of the day in the morning, think about what would make your day the most wonderful and amazing day you could have, think about it, visualise yourself at the end of the day having had this amazing day. What would have happened, what would you have done?
Allow your mood to lift as you are thinking it through, then plan your day and live it with this vision in mind. It is a game changer and puts those niggly thoughts into perspective, they are easy to swat away because you know you are choosing to have an amazing day.

You've been amazing. How did you find out? I'm so glad you weren't living together - that makes it all much more difficult.

Love that he just walked away - his brain must have been rattling furiously when he realised you were on to him. Dickhead.

You've dodged a bullet there

Be kind to yourself and accept that he was never worthy of you. You deserve to be with someone who respectful, honest and kind to you.

Let yourself feel all the feelings, they're all understandable. But there will be better days ahead.

Good for you op.
I wasted 17 years of my life with a gaslighting abusive man which has totally fucked me and my life up.
Wish I had listened to my gut.

My advice is;
Talk to trusted friends
No contact
Allow yourself to feel all the emotions. It will be painful, there is no way around this.
Feel glad you dodged a bullet, because you really have.
Take your time with the next relationship.

Op there’s another book which got me out of a dark place. It’s called love yourself like your life depends on it by Ravikant.

I did the exercises and still do two regularly. They are easy to do anywhere and regularly. If you are ruminating on anything you can switch to the exercises.

Is he happy? He may think he is but happiness comes from within. Actually contentment is my goal. He no doubt thinks it’s his girlfriends job to ‘make’ him happy. He is likely to have a black hole inside him that he struggles to fill. So he may be high on dopamine but it will be short lived. Until he works out why he claims to have values he clearly doesn’t have he will never be happy.

You have done everything right. It is going to feel like shit, not because you miss the man you now know he is, but because you miss the man you thought you were in a relationship with. Give yourself time, and I have no doubt you will be happy without him, he is the one that has lost out.

Distraction is key.

And congratulate yourself for getting free of this waster, and fortunate not to be tied to him by living arrangements or a child.

You did good! x

Good riddance OP, much better now than when you have a baby, remind yourself that you were right all along and that you will listen to your gut more in the future. These men never make good fathers either.

Just a side note op, never consider trying for kids with anyone you haven't lived with for at least a year. You need to be sure they can live with you without issues first. That they pull their weight in the home.

Also, if they bring up trying for kids without at least discussing marriage with you first...it's a huge red flag imo. Only exception is if you have told them previously that you are against marriage. They don't have to propose but they need to discuss it with you. If they don't do that...99% chance you are just a placeholder for them whilst something else comes along. And that they are only bringing up trying for kids because they want to tie you to them, without actually committing. Lots of men out there see kids as solely your responsibility. And use them to tie you down whilst they continue to cheat and avoid commitment.

@bonsailai I think you're amazing. Just that.

You're going to feel all kinds of things and feel overwhelmed.

Please don't try to figure him and his responses out.

Instead focus on you. Which you are doing. I'm so impressed by you.

Also be prepared for when he comes back which he almost certainly will.

@MILTOBE I had my suspicions for a few weeks - which started because a woman tried to phone him several times one evening when we were together. I saw the name come up on his phone, he didn’t answer and blagged it away as being a work contact, which didn’t make sense given the time of her phone call and the fact she phoned multiple times - as well as the fact he didn’t simply answer, which surely he would have done if it was innocent.

I was on high alert since then, went through his phone when I had the chance and saw dating apps and several conversations both on the apps and on WhatsApp (in the ‘locked chats’ section, so the notifications weren’t popping up on his screen and it required his phone password to access them). I screenshotted it all to myself as evidence to confront him with, which is why he did not bother trying to deny it.

I’m upset about the betrayal but also upset that when I noticed the first few suspicious things (Which weren’t yet concrete evidence), he completely denied it and put a huge amount of effort into trying to convince me my worries were baseless - expensive gifts, lovely dates, long heart to hearts about how much he valued our relationship and how he wouldn’t do anything to sabotage it.

It was all obviously complete lies and completely fake, which makes it feel a lot worse to me. If he had come clean when the first couple of things happened (like the woman he was clearly seeing trying to call him in the evening) it would feel like he at least had enough respect for me to come clean and be honest. Instead he dragged it out for weeks and did everything he could to gaslight me and convince me nothing untoward was happening. It’s so horrible that someone I trusted had the capacity to lie and manipulate me like that.

I feel a bit better today - still awful, but trying to stay busy and let the emotions come in waves, and reminding myself that he is a total coward, a liar and a cheat, and lacks any morals. Once the emotions pass I know I’ll be relieved to be rid of him.. fingers crossed that doesn’t take too long, I feel like I’m still in the thick of it at the moment, I keep getting waves of sadness and loss. I might get counselling or some sort of therapy to help me process things and move forwards, I’m still in shock at the moment.

Thanks again for everyone who has taken the time to respond, I’m finding it really helpful. 💐

Yes this is it - he wasn’t the person I thought he was, so it is like I’m grieving a version of him which I was in love with, which doesn’t actually exist. It’s hard to not feel incredibly stupid and naive and wonder if I could have picked up on the signs sooner - I don’t know exactly how long the cheating had been going on for, I don’t even want to speak to him to clarify the details because I think it’ll be like rubbing salt in the wound. I have enough evidence as it is

It was all so calculated on his side too - deleting the apps and offering his phone for me to look through, knowing he’d wiped the evidence; then clearly redownloading the apps straight away afterwards when he felt like I had been convinced all was well. It’s just all so fucking horrible isn’t it, I don’t think I could ever treat someone in such a cold manipulative way

Yeah it is beyond belief people can behave like that - so disappointing

I'd be inclined to track her down (she might be on his fb or something) just to give her the heads up too. Stop the cheeky fucker from trying to mosey his way further into her life.

He's a prick but you sound absolutely kick ass! You'll be okay OP

@bonsailai one of the worst things cheaters do to us is the lying, the making us doubt ourself and feeling as if we are mad. Once you get over this immediate discovery and it WILL take a while you will get angry about this and realise what a twat he was/is. You deserve better.

There's something very wrong with someone who can be so coldly calculating and deceitful.

How awful. I am so sorry, what a manipulative liar!

Pat yourself on the back for ditching someone who shows you no respect. You have done yourself a huge favour by not getting into a more serious situation with him, and wasting years of your life (your financial resources, your personality, and your time) on a man who has shown to be untrustworthy, unethical and psychologically manipulative. Many women never get away from these sorts of men when the children come, when they have mortgages together and so on. You did, you averted disaster and well done you for asserting yourself. While you have ever right to be angry and upset, I would try to reframe this as a victory in that you found him out, you confronted him and took the right decision to ditch him. It is Boxing day tomorrow, so why not get out and about in the crowds browsing the shops, having a nice coffee, treating yourself to something nice or a long walk in nature. Whatever floats your boat and allows you to reflect on what you want to do over the next year now the new chapter of your life has opened. It will remind you that 'you' are important, and you can live a very nice life without a pathological liar who cannot keep it in his pants.

Well done getting shot of him.. Concentrate on yourself, don't give him another thought. By this time next year you wonted even remember his name.