Is it stupid to think he could change?

[Weimlove]

I've posted on here previously about whether my relationship was emotionally abusive and resounding response was big fat yes. He's been very critical of me and wearing down my self esteem and temper issues (which led to punching walls). It just became a very negative and toxic environment with us both placing blame on the other.

We have been trying to work on things and he has improved day to day. I have been going to a therapist for a few months to work through my self-esteem issues and trying to work out whether to stay or leave. Initially DP refused to admit that he has contributed to my self esteem issues and just gaslight me during any discussion. Over the last few weeks he's changed his response and is now saying he will go to anger management and accepts responsibility that it's not all my fault - he has contributed to my lack of self esteem. I was ready to leave as I felt he was making superficial changes and blaming me but I feel maybe he's taking responsibility and trying to change.

On the other hand I can't seem to get out of my head the advice I've had (here and IRL) that I shouldn't stay if the relationship has been abusive and that he won't change. I worry if he can really fundamentally change long term. So I don't know, I am just looking for some advice and perhaps from people who have been in this kind of situation who stayed and don't regret it?

You need to speak to someone qualified and experienced, like Women's Aid.

Yes I have spoken to them in the past too. Just looking for others experience as women's aid mostly were concerned giving advice on practicalities of leaving.

How long are you going to keep flogging this dead horse?

You are literally wasting your life.

This. He might change for a short while but he'll revert to type eventually, throw this one back

@BornIn78 @TheCurlyKnobhead yes i think that's what i'm worried about. Just finding it so hard to leave but I'm terrified of looking back in a few years still miserable.

What did you think of the previous responses to your previous post?

Such men do not change. This is who he is and do not further be taken in by his weaselly words, he is telling you exactly what you want to hear. It’s all talk and no action in terms of actually arranging anything. Anger Management courses are no answer to what you are describing in this relationship.

Abuse is not a relationship issue, abuse is about power and control.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You and he should not be together.

What are your boundaries like in relationships?. Consider that question too.

Make the New Year a new start.

He won't change. Adults don't. And he has finally, begrudgingly, decided he'll start saying it's not all your fault. That he has contributed.

Not good enough. It's still superficial. It's another attempt to control you and stop you from ending things.

Just go.

Of course he won't change. You know this, you're just scared of making big chnages. The irony is that you should be fucking terrified of the future you will have if you stay with this man.

@AttilaTheMeerkat To be honest I thought they were all correct and gave me the boost I needed for a short while but back to doubting myself again. I was set on leaving until he kept pleading that he will change and convince me with the final one being anger management. I think I know what needs done but it just feels very hard to trust myself at the moment even with the support of a therapist.

The minute he starts to revert then that’s it, you have to act.

And he will revert because it's who he is, he won't be able to keep this up long term.

Taking the leap to leave can be scary but believe me when you do, you will then have the chance to work on your most important relationship. The one with yourself. Once you are in a happy and healthy space you will be so thankful that you left and one day you will meet someone who treats you exactly as you deserve to be treated. Good luck.

Why are you doubting yourself here?. Is it because you’ve got his voice in your head?. Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course when in an abusive relationship . Ignore his noise and look at what is happening right in front of you. This man’s already punching walls and it’s but a short step from doing that into punching you. You’re describing domestic violence and you are at high risk of being harmed.

So he’s managed to convince you by using am classes. Classes he has not signed up for.

As mentioned before anger management is no answer to domestic violence which is what you’ve been describing. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. If he can and does control himself around other people also then he does not have anger management issues.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Set in motion firm plans to leave your abuser. Let your therapist and us help you. Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

No it's not stupid to think he could change I found myself and even asking womens aid the same question. Sadly abusers do not change. Their behaviour is a pattern, look at his actions not his words or promises is my best advice. Do you know about the cycle of abuse? Having a look at it may help and may seem familiar.

@AttilaTheMeerkat spaghetti head is absolutely how I feel. I am listening to the voices that I'm the problem and I'll never be happy because I'm so negative. I also feel like I downplay his behaviour and question if he's actually abusive as he's reversed things on me so many times. I hope this doesn't come across disrespectful but I think I'd almost find it easier to leave if he had actually hit me as I'd objectively know that he'd actually been abusive. Wish I could just think straight and get out. But you're right I need to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Appreciate all the helpful advice

@AlifeOfPumpkinSpice sorry that you have been in similar position. Yes seems quite familiar with the cycle of things going well then building back up again

He won't change, unfortunately. I've been there - the low self esteem, therapy etc. I'm sure many of us on these pages have but the only way to help yourself is by holding your head up high and walking away. Let him miss you and realise what he lost.

Someone wonderful may be out there for you but you need to end the cycle first

Hello OP, I know how you feel exactly, when you say you wish he hits you. I spent over twenty five years with someone who was making me very unhappy just because I could not justify leaving. My ex was not physically abusive, was not screaming, yelling, hitting me or anything like that, but I felt so... so unhappy.

It was not until my therapist said to me, after a few sessions: "I see that you are trying to find a reason why you want to leave your husband. You should not. The fact that you want to leave is enough." She also thought my husband could be a narcissist and labelled his behaviour abuse, both emotional and financial.

We live in a society where preservation of marriage is still a highest priority, well above one's happiness and well being, and that is the problem. These days when someone asks for advice, all that I say is: "Listen to your instincts." Are you happy in this relationship? If the answer is "no", that is all you need to know. Pack your bags and leave. Life is too short.

Also, sadly, I do not believe that people can change. Short term, maybe, but long therm, no way.

@iamenough2023 thanks for your comment. That's a good perspective. Especially now I feel that I have to justify why I want to leave when it seems like he is trying and "giving me everything I want" if that makes sense. But you're right, all that matters is if you are happy rather than why. I think the reason I am in such turmoil at the moment is probably due to ignoring my gut instincts. Anytime I decide I am going to give things a chance and stay, it lasts for about a day and I start to feel the same way again looking for an excuse to leave. I really hope that you are happy now.

@Weimlove I am a middle aged women now, and I have missed a big chunk of my life being stuck in that relationship. There are many things that I will not get back; things I have not experienced, fun I did not have, milestones I did not achieve. I did however get three beautiful children out of it and they are my everything. Leaving was very, very difficult for me because I felt so guilty. He did not make it easier for me, as he never accepted any responsibility for the ending of our marriage.

Am I happier? Sometimes I am happy, yes, most times, I am content, and I am happy with that. My home is my safe space now. My bedroom is my sanctuary. I share my home with all my kids still and it is most definitely a happy, laughter, music and fun filled space. When I hear key in the door now, my heart jumps in anticipation, wondering which one of my kids is coming in.

No more walking on eggshells, holding my breath, choosing my words, keeping my excitement or sadness in, to keep piece. I am FREE and that is all that matters. Good luck OP! Keep posting, it really helps. MN was a great support for me.💕

He's only 'changing' now to trick you into staying.

Anger management is pointless because he doesn't have anger issues - he has abuse issues. He punches walls deliberately to intimidate you under the guise of 'losing control'. But it is not.

Also...why wpuld you actually want to stay? Even if he suddenly magically became Mr perfect and remained so forever...it doesn't change how he treated you before. Or the fact that you'll spend your whole life worrying he might go back to that. Walking on eggshells.

The bare minimum a partner should be is a nice, warm human being anyway. He certainly isn't one.

So why hang around?
Lifes too short to waste on 'meh' people. Let alone on fucking awful ones.

Honestly, he might change but not for you. Even if you spent years developing and working with him it may result in positive changes in him but he will grow tired of the baggage and history and use this new improved self to start a new, easier relationship.

You don't need to be a bad boyfriend fin shing school. Find a good man.

From your post I believe he has the capacity to change. I know I am in minority but I have seen it happen

The thing is OP if he can change and is saying he will do so now, that means he chose to be abusive to you for all that time. Do you want to be with someone who was happy to abuse you, because they could?

@ProudThrilledHappy that's true I hadn't considered it in that way