Is it stupid to think he could change?

[Weimlove]

I've posted on here previously about whether my relationship was emotionally abusive and resounding response was big fat yes. He's been very critical of me and wearing down my self esteem and temper issues (which led to punching walls). It just became a very negative and toxic environment with us both placing blame on the other.

We have been trying to work on things and he has improved day to day. I have been going to a therapist for a few months to work through my self-esteem issues and trying to work out whether to stay or leave. Initially DP refused to admit that he has contributed to my self esteem issues and just gaslight me during any discussion. Over the last few weeks he's changed his response and is now saying he will go to anger management and accepts responsibility that it's not all my fault - he has contributed to my lack of self esteem. I was ready to leave as I felt he was making superficial changes and blaming me but I feel maybe he's taking responsibility and trying to change.

On the other hand I can't seem to get out of my head the advice I've had (here and IRL) that I shouldn't stay if the relationship has been abusive and that he won't change. I worry if he can really fundamentally change long term. So I don't know, I am just looking for some advice and perhaps from people who have been in this kind of situation who stayed and don't regret it?

thanks all you are right. I'm wasting far too much energy hoping he will change and I need to be strong to know that he won't. Just need to focus on leaving and stop letting him getting into my head and thinking that there is something wrong with me. I am lucky that I have people in my life who don't treat me like this and should be spending my time with them instead of putting up with his abuse.

People like him like to convince you it's 'selfish' to do anything that would protect you from further abuse.

Do you think he worries about being mean when he treats you appallingly? Gaslights you? Lies to you? Calls you horrible things? Of course not! And those things genuinely are mean and selfish.

It's not selfish to take whatever precautions necessary to protect yourself from abuse. It's self preservation. His desires do not trump your right to personal saftey and sanity.

He isn't 'owed' a face to face ending because you don't owe a bully anything. He knows why you're leaving (even if he denies it and says he wants you to explain).

Abusers like to convince you you are the one with the issues. And that your needs aren't valid. Only theirs.

I think you've wasted enough time thinking about what he needs. It's OK to think about what you do. It doesn't make you selfish. It makes you human. And one who, rightly, has her own back.

Get your stuff out, get yourself out then text him telling him it's over. Don't agree to any face to face meetings. It's just another trap to gaslight you.

'No'
'Because I don't want to'
'I don't owe you any more explaining'
'I won't be doing that'
'I'm sorry you feel that way'

Ideally block him tbh once he knows you're out tbh. Unless you need contact due to anything like the house lease.

Cancel your name and payments off any bills due at the home before going. Take note of the account numbers. They can write to him for new payment details.

If he does harass you then 'i have asked you not to contact me further. Any further harassment will be reported to the police'.

Don't open the door if he shows up at your home.
Warn friends and family he may try some tactics (eg: making out you're crazy ect). Forewarned is forearmed.

I have put in plans to leave tomorrow and go stay somewhere else. I still don't feel sure, keep trying to ignore my feelings but the anxiety about staying is overwhelming me and I think that says all. Have spent long enough debating what to do and talking about it when I know deep down I don't want my life to be like this any longer. I will probably miss him but I'm too scared to stay in this continuous loop for the rest of my life. I'm hoping I will start to feel some relief once away from the house.

Good on you op, leaving the prat is absolutely the wise thing to do. You have your whole life ahead of you still and you deserve to live it happy and free with good people around you.

You'll probably feel relieved in some sense but also stressed for the short time whilst he kicks up a fuss. But once you're through all that you'll be glad you did it. It's just like ripping a plaster off really.

We'll be thinking of you!
Let us know how it goes x

Good luck for tomorrow. If it helps, keep remembering that not a single poster here felt that 'you should stay' or that he might change.

It will feel strange at first because he's conditioned you to feel guilty and do what he wants, otherwise you are 'wrong'. You are not wrong. You are strong enough to do this.

Thank you both 💐i know it is an anonymous forum but the support is really helping me stop doubt myself, especially from people who've been through similar situations. Really appreciate the continued replies x

It is tough! I split up from my ex DH (many, many years ago) when the DC were all under 7 and it took me several years and several attempts. I kept making excuses, thinking he would change, wondering if I was selfish to put myself first.

25 years down the line I don't think I've ever really regretted it. And I'm so glad I did move on. My life has been infinitely happier than it was when someone criticised me continually and damaged my self esteem.

@Hatty65 thank you, I've been trying to work on myself and thinking if I'm happy in myself I could be in this relationship as that's what he's told me. I think I just know now that I can't be a confident and happy person while dealing with the very subtle comments and controlling behaviour everyday, can't get to that point of feeling happy while I'm still here. Glad you have no regrets and appreciate your advice

Yeah you can't be happy in a relationship when the other person's main objective is to make you unhappy. And he even has the cheek to gaslight you into thinking its your own fault. Which is frigging terrifying when you think about it.

It's like a schoolyard bully going 'stop hitting yourself!' when it's them moving your hand.

I think that we need to be kind to the OP. It is very hard to leave/ to move on:/ to change from anything. And a twisty twisty nasty man is the worst.

you know that it isn’t kind or good. Imagine talking to your good friend. Or better : a stranger on a train. It’s awful. He won’t change. His need for power and control will dominate everything.

but you can be free . I am !

@Pinkbonbon it's so true. Just gaslighting me constantly. I started recording conversations recently just so I can listen back when I start to doubt everything and see what he was doing.

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes and thank you💆🏻‍♀️

@Fuzzywig1 thank you, I am (hopefully) on my way out imminently and I'm glad you're free 🙌

Wishing you the best. It took me years to leave a similar relationship and it was always the hope that we were over the worst of it and that things would eventually improve that kept me there. Once I went ahead with it, I had no regrets whatsoever and I managed to keep it down to one attempt! My kids did so much better too, once the decision was made.
It’s been 6 years and I don’t miss the gaslighting and manipulation at all.

oh yes that is a huge thing! My kids were the reason I stayed ….. but now we are not in that awful situation they are so much happier and better and can see normal relationships are about being kind not about winning and punishing!

honestly if you had looked at our life to other people it was ‘fine’ but it was horrible for me making everything ok for everybody else at huge cost to me.

the children now have to see with honesty but that is good and will serve them in later life

I am thinking of you and I wish you so well x

Thanks @HenndigoOZ unfortunately I'm on about attempt 4 which makes it harder as I feel I've dragged him along..

@Fuzzywig1 for both responses, I feel glad I don't have kids as I know I just shouldn't ever have them with him at least, I'd actually convinced myself I didn't want them. But appreciate it would be so much harder with kids and you still did it.

I feel positive I just know I might faulter, but I'm going to keep posting and keeping busy IRL

I've done it 💆🏻‍♀️ don't feel sure of myself at all but I think long term I will and eventually work out all the financial things, dog etc. I took the advice of packing my things and quickly left then text him. He didn't seem to care, just said ok and that I can't make any decision in life on anything and he is fed up of me changing my mind. I know I'll feel like I regret it the next few days but just going to try to be strong 🙏

Massive well done.
The longer you are away from him, the better you will feel.
Stay strong

Well done, @Weimlove . That took real courage.

Don't text him again. Be strong, and be patient. You possibly will have moments of doubt, because that's the way life is. It definitely doesn't mean you were wrong, just that you are feeling panicked at a new situation of being on your own.

You will be fine. Keep posting for support if you need it. Just cut him off entirely.

Well done. He probably expects you will return to him again, hence acting indifferent. What has been the preceding pattern of behaviour when you have previously got back together again? Did he charm you and make lots of promises to change? Or did doubts overwhelm you and you returned of your own accord?
Perhaps see a solicitor and get the financials ball rolling much sooner, while he is still on the back foot thinking “she’ll be back!” It will be better for you as well in terms of moving on, rather having the doubts convincing you to go back to flogging a dead horse of a relationship that does nothing for you.

Also, it might be worth finding a therapist who can help you build a new life and self-confidence to bring into a new relationship or to remain happily single.

Thanks all really appreciate it. Feels like the hardest thing I've done but weirdly the confusion has lifted and I feel like I can think clearer than I have for months.

@HenndigoOZ the first time he was full of promises and the last time he did the same thing of "ok" and I was actually the one who talked him round (pathetically). So yes I think part of him expects that I'll be back of my own volition but I feel pretty certain that I can't/won't right now. Everytime I've went back I've regretted it so what is the point in repeating that behaviour. I might not be saying this tomorrow 😂 but I have lots of friends around me who are happy to remind me of why I've left. Yeah I have a therapist who has been helping with that so going to continue on that path too 😊 last I seen her before Christmas I told her he'd accepted responsibility and maybe things could change so I'm sure she will be surprised to hear.

Don't worry about leaving multiple times. I think it averagely takes 5-7 attempts. My ex broke up with me 6 times, the first time being when I was 6 months pregnant... So I never did what you did and finished it myself. But I stuck to my guns after his 6th break up. Read Why Does He Do That or get it as an audio book . it was what kept me free, eventually! And forgiving myself. You're doing the best you can.

And keep coming back and posting, we're here. And the ones who have been through it will understand if you go back.

@b0zza1 thank you, I'm already faltering as he wants the dog back and it's sounds ridiculous but I love her like my child that it feels worse her being there without me than being there. I don't think I can do it with leaving them both

He is using the dog to manipulate you.
He is insincere.

Block him, shut him down. Save yourself and the dog.

Start reading why does he do that.
Ill find a link.

You are in danger.
Protect yourself.
Block him.
This is a battle of wills, you v him.
Come on OP.
Fight for yourself.

Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf