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Original poster

Parents being awkward.

141 replies

KentLife01 · 19/12/2023 09:49

Hi all, just after opinions or similar experiences if I may.
My husband and I bought a dog a year and a half ago. He's enriched our lives especially as we don't have children. I guess the dog is like our child. He is with me all the time as I work from home. My husband does 12hr shifts so is out of the house weird and wonderful hours.
Our dog has come with me to visit my parents over long weekends. They live about a 3hr drive from us so we don't see them often. In the summer my dad asked me not to bring the dog. His house, his rules and although I was upset, I compromised and with a lot of juggling around, my husband managed to get time off to look after the dog. My dad said that the dog is welcome at theirs but they don't think he settles well there which is true to an extent but my dad is part of the reason. My dad whistles a lot and our dog is whistle trained, and my dad gets up at 4am each morning which disturbs the entire household. My dog has never chewed or destroyed anything at their house. Roll onto Christmas and I suggest going to see them. I'm told it would be easier not to! I then find out that my brother who is pet free, is going to theirs on the same dates I suggested. I'm hurt and upset. They know my husband is working all over Christmas so I will be on my own whilst the 3 of them celebrate Christmas together. Clearly my dog is not welcome. So I feel like my dad lied to me in the summer. It isn't just about Christmas either as I feel like we'll never be welcome. Plus, it means they'll never get to see my husband if I give in as he will have to stay at home with the dog. I refuse to kennel the dog as he's sensitive and would be confused. We have no one else that could look after him for various reasons. I will be speaking to my dad after Christmas about it. My mum will be upset by all of this and wants me and the dog there but she won't speak against my dad. I don't want to fall out with them but they are not compromising at all. They said they would come to us after Christmas but my husband and I both work and it's not always convenient for us to have them around when we have work and other commitments. They aren't getting younger and the journey is long so eventually they will stop visiting us. Thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 19/12/2023 09:53

You need to make the dog more resilient if you want to be social and stay with other people. Get the dog used to being away from you, and able to stay with others or kennels. Your Dad is perfectly reasonable to no want a dog in his house. You are the problem, not your parents.

cheezncrackers · 19/12/2023 09:53

I can see why you're hurt at being excluded, but people who want and expect to take their dogs everywhere with them and for others to accommodate that drive me mad! They don't want your dog staying in their house and that's not unreasonable. So if you want to visit your DPs and to be welcome, I'd advise you to find a dog sitter or a suitable kennels and get your dog used to being left for a few days. I have a cat and I wouldn't dream of rocking up at someone else's house with my cat, much as I love her.

Fraaahnces · 19/12/2023 09:53

You need to train your dog to be happy in its own company. Your DH works 12hr shifts but not 24. A dog should (occasionally) be able to deal with that - if rewarded with attention, exercise, affection, etc as well. It’s not easy, but your dog is not a child and dogs who are treated as kids are most frequently anxious and needy.

cheezncrackers · 19/12/2023 09:55

Other alternatives - a dog walker who goes in regularly while your DH is at work, or doggy daycare.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2023 09:57

You’re not being excluded, your dog is. Of course your brother can be there, he doesn’t want to take a pet with him. It’s lovely that he’s like a child to you but other people won’t feel the same way which is fine and normal.

WandaWonder · 19/12/2023 09:57

Your husband will be home sometimes so your dog can stay home and you go, just because you have a dog doesn't mean everyone wants it around, and no it is not the same thing as a human baby

NewIdeasToday · 19/12/2023 09:58

It seems hard for dog owners to understand, but many people don’t like dogs and don’t want them in their homes.

Can you put your dog in kennels for a few days?

Swishyfishy · 19/12/2023 09:59

Find a dog sitter.

Do they know you’ll be alone Xmas day?

WeWishYouAMerryChristmas2023 · 19/12/2023 10:00

He is with me all the time you should have trained the dog to be able to stay on its own otherwise you’re going to have a dog with separation anxiety which isn’t fair on it.

They said they would come to us after Christmas but my husband and I both work and it's not always convenient for us to have them around when we have work and other commitments

Your parents have offered a compromise, this full scenario appears that you want everything on your terms. You chose to get a dog they choose not have it it at their house this Christmas and a dog is not like a human child.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/12/2023 10:05

Do you really expect your father to not be whom he is in his own household?
I find as people get older they get set in their behaviours and habits so it would be near impossible for him to stop whistling and getting up early, for this YABU.
YANBU to tell them not to visit if you are working.

LubaLuca · 19/12/2023 10:05

I'm with your parents. It can be very disruptive having a dog in a house when you're not used to it. I don't let people bring their dogs to our house because I don't like having them around me - that's my prerogative.

You have other options, your parents have offered to come to yours. They're being fair.

rookiemere · 19/12/2023 10:10

It is a pain, but you need to get the clear message that your DF wants you to visit without Ddog. It's his house, he's perfectly entitled to whistle in it and behave as he wishes.

We've not been asked not to, but we've found a dog sitter over Christmas when we are going down to visit SIL. He is a big dog and there will be small DCs in a relatively confined space, so it's easier for all of us.

I have found some good sitters through rover.com but the Christmas one was a bit of luck really as the guy got a cancellation.

DilemmaWithTwins · 19/12/2023 10:13

I love my dog too. It she's gone to doggy day care since 12 weeks old. She also goes when we go on hols Inc Xmas.
She absolutely loves it.
I'd absolutely recommend you try having your dog go to day care x1 per week or every second week to start.
You can't stop your life because of your pup.
On this one, I'm with your parents too. Your dad didn't want to hurt your feelings to say outright that the dog isn't welcome.

JadziaD · 19/12/2023 10:15

we used to take our dog to my sisters. But we stopped - without her asking but she was grateful - because it was too difficult. Our dog nabbed some of her DC's treats and on another occasion got through their fence and barked at a neighbour. It is not her problem to dog-proof her house so we don't take the dog anymore

You are being completely unreasonable. Your dog is not able to be in your parents' house without a lot of compromise from your parents. So your dog can't go. get a dog walker who can come in and see the dog while you are away, or find a doggy daycare or overnight place that the dog can go to while you're away. this is what everyone else does.

Citygirlrurallife · 19/12/2023 10:20

Agree with everyone else - YABU. We also have a dog. We never assume we can bring him and my parents (not dog people) very sweetly say he’s actually welcome but at the same time sometimes it’s easier on my dog and the humans not to bring him

despite Having a dog I don’t want other dogs in my house either and it’s entirely within my rights to say so. I can’t believe you’re suggesting your dad changes his behaviours and routines to fit around a peg to be honest.

we’ve had luck with trusted house sitters to come and be in our home with our animals when we’re away, maybe try something like that?

Onemorefortheroad · 19/12/2023 10:21

You are being unreasonable. If you decide to get a dog, it shouldn't then impact other people - you need to accept that you put the dog in kennels or don't take it where it isn't welcome.

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 10:22

@KentLife01

My dad whistles a lot and our dog is whistle trained, and my dad gets up at 4am each morning which disturbs the entire household.

Classic Mumsnet! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face! 😀

2chocolateoranges · 19/12/2023 10:24

To be fair to your dad, I wouldn’t want someone else’s dog coming to stay at my home for a few days either.

Ladyj84 · 19/12/2023 10:24

Unfortunately I see you need to let go a bit and send dog to a sitter or kennels. Your dad doesn't have to.like the dog in the house. His house not yours. I don't take mine to my parents as my dad isn't a dog lover at all and he has never told me I can't take her either I just respect his views. Doesn't mean anyone is wrong or right. The problem is you not anybody else

noooooooo · 19/12/2023 10:38

Aren’t you doing what they’re doing? You’re all making choices and wanting to suit yourselves best - for various valid reasons. Except - you (we) chose to acquire a pet. We love ours, in fact, I miss them when I go away to a degree I’m not sure is healthy or normal but we can’t bring them everywhere and whether or not it seems reasonable to exclude them, it’s up to the home-owner whether they want them around. I don’t like trusting my pets to strangers either but what’s the alternative? Stay home, I guess.

CwmYoy · 19/12/2023 10:56

You are being very awkward. Kennel the dog. People come first, surely.

GreatGateauxsby · 19/12/2023 11:00

I own a dog. I love dogs.
You are in the wrong here (sorry)

We have no one else that could look after him for various reasons.

Take it from me...This is where you should focus your efforts.

Our girl is a rescue. I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if she had some sort of heart attack if we left her in kennels for a week... She was poorly socialised and is amazing with people and kids but utterly crap with most dogs so dog walkers are out too 🙈
We muddled along for a couple of years but I realised it was an issue I HAD to address.
now we have 3 people who she knows and who she can stay with when we need help (1 x family/friend 2 X paid people who look after her 1:1 on their home or ours)

It's a game changer.

This isn't a "your parents" problem per se it's a dog problem.

Your dog is going to be with you for 15 years ish...

Honestly... how will you ever go to ANY all day event? Overnight wedding? Any Holiday outside British isles? Company training course? What if you are hospitalised for some reason?
The list goes on....

Opentooffers · 19/12/2023 11:22

I love my dog to bits, but have never taken him inside my parents house. I have taken him overnight to my brothers house at xmas, but he has to stay in his crate in the pantry - with me frequently getting him out into their garden and going for walks.
Some people just aren't dog people, and that's fine and should be respected.
I work 12 hour shifts, but have managed over the years as my son is usually home when I'm not and we got the dog at his behest, so it's his duty when I'm not there.
He does get left for a few hours here and there without problem - I've always had a dog cam so can see what he's up to - sitting around and sleeping mostly.
It's better to train your dog to get used to being without you, otherwise you are making a rod for your own back.
My advice would be, get a dog cam and start leaving him for an hour daily, then gradually extend it. Then get a dogwalker for when your DH is working and you can visit your family. There are ways around it rather than just taking the hump that he's not invited and staying away - that's cutting off your nose to spite your face.

dothehokeycokey · 19/12/2023 11:26

I have three dogs.

All quiet chilled and house trained.

I would not expect other people whether they are family or not to have my dog in their house.

Some people aren't dog people.

mindutopia · 19/12/2023 11:50

I wouldn’t want anyone at my house who brought their dog. A dog is a commitment and responsibility and it does mean you can’t do everything you want to do anymore when you have that commitment to keep. We have a dog. We can’t do things anymore that we used to be able to, or we do them separately.

MIL brings her bloody dog with her when she visits and it really annoys me. It jumps on my children, it chews my furniture, it whines constantly. She wouldn’t be able to visit unless she brought it as her useless partner won’t look after it, and we aren’t allowed to visit her (again, useless partner). So I tolerate it as no choice, but I’m not thrilled and no way I’d allow anyone else’s dog.

I think it’s a bit like having children. We have friends and family who can’t accommodate our dc visiting. When we visit, we either stay in a holiday let or one of us goes alone.