How do you ignore everyone becoming engaged and married around you?

[Drummerband]

3 year relationship and a new baby and still no ring.
We’ve discussed marriage before and it’s something we both want, although for me it wasn’t urgent as I wanted a baby first (were not getting any younger now we’re mid 30s). He knows it’s important to me and sees how disappointed I feel when someone announces yet another engagement, yet my time still never comes. (I’m rubbish at hiding my emotions or thoughts)
Even watching tv there is at least one proposal on every bloody programme and now it’s starting to feel like it’s cruelly being rubbed in my face that I’ll never get married.
I didn’t let it get to me before but suddenly his best friend who is known for not committing and for sleeping around is suddenly engaged and expecting a baby. We’re really happy for him and his girlfriend but it’s like salt in the wound because his response to ‘6 months is too soon’ was ‘when you know you’re with the one why wait if you want to marry them’. It stung.
Now this is where I’ll get told to ask him or propose myself but in all honesty I feel embarrassed about the subject. It’s humiliating and hurtful and I have to pretend I don’t care. When in all honesty I feel like he doesn’t love me, he’s settled and waiting for someone better or he just doesn’t want to be married and wants to avoid the subject.
I’ve mentally given myself a deadline of Valentine’s Day and then I’m leaving if it still hasn’t happened.

Accidentally pressed post before finishing…

I am fed up with people asking if we’ll ever get married and couples who have been together a few months planning a wedding knowing deep down it’ll probably never happen for me hence the 2 month deadline as he has Christmas, new year, my birthday or Valentine’s Day to propose if he really wanted to.
It isn’t lack of money as he has a lot of savings.
I just feel so down with it now and I confess I cried myself to sleep the night we found out his friend was engaged. So aside from the venting I guess I’m asking for those in the same boat how did you block out everyone else’s happiness and not let it bring you down? Did you give a deadline and stick to it? Any advice would be appreciated but please be kind I’m hormonal as it is. Tia

I'm guessing all his savings is giving him pause for thought. Whatever you do don't go part time if he is unwilling to commit and share the cost and the time commitment of raising a child.
I'm afraid by having the baby first you have weakened your position. An ultimatum might light a fire under him

Thanks, he’s generous with money so I don’t think he’s worried about me ‘getting my hands’ on it, not that I would anyway as I have plenty of savings of my own. The plan was to be a SAHM but you’re right it will disadvantage me if we wasn’t married.

It seems juvenile to wait for a proposal when you already have a baby, marriage should ultimately be a joint decision, when we got pregnant we discussed the importance of marriage and agreed a date, then picked out a ring together. Our wedding and marriage were no less special for it, we were on the same page and DH understood how important it was for me particularly due to my situation compared to his back then. Talk to him, not about a proposal, but about the marriage.

Suggest openness about your feelings about this. If he doesn’t want to marry you, better to find out.

Would be unwise to SAH or even go PT before marriage.

Nearly half of the marriage ends on divorce this days, before you get upset thinking about other engagement think if he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Think if that is relationship you wants and deserve etc.

OP I'm 14 years in. Ultimatum time for you.

Since we've been together we've seen both exes remarry, cousins, siblings, friends, colleagues. Now the grown up dc are engaged and I'm still waiting. Had a bit of an epiphany last night actually - he knows what I want and keeps saying that it's not the right time. Well it feels like there never will be a right time. Decision time for us both op!

Just tell him.
I didn't believe in marriage for the first 8 years that we were together. Then suddenly I felt like I actually wanted to go for it.
So one day I said to DH: "Come on, time to get this situation locked down".
How can you be this coy when you've had a baby together?

Stay separate financially etc and all the ways that keep you independent because that’s how he sees it. Protect yourself op.

Instead of giving him a deadline that he doesn’t know about just speak to him. Are you really going to leave a perfectly good relationship because he hasn’t proposed yet? Maybe he is waiting to take you away or doesn’t want the cliche xmas, birthday or valentines proposal.
You already have a baby with him so obviously you love him, don’t worry about what everyone else has done they are not you, don’t base your happiness on not being engaged just yet. X

Are there any other problems in your relationship or is this the only sticking point?

I only ask because the grass isnt always greener, you've only been together 3 years which isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, yes it's maybe more important now you have a child but what are you going to do? Leave, break your family, meet someone else, wait and see how long a proposal will take to materialise again? What if that relationship isn't as good as the one you're in (assuming it's good apart from this issue) would it be worth it for the sake of calling someone your husband?

I really get how you're feeling aswell because I'm in the same situation but a few years longer down the road, half the problem is it's never a priority when you've got a house, kids, life just seems to take over. I've sat and I've cried at announcements myself and been deeply disappointed each time I thought it might happen and didn't but at the end of the day, am I now going to leave my kids dad when there's not really any other issues? Probably not because the family being broken is a worse outcome for me and for the kids.

I think if you're giving him a deadline he needs to at least know about it

BloodyAdultDC sorry to hear this, 14 years is so cruel. I hope you find your happiness.

Thanks everyone, I know I’m probably being dramatic in your eyes but we’ve discussed marriage and rings so many times so now it’s clear he doesn’t want to marry me.
Our relationship is fine but this does throw a spanner in the middle because I don’t feel good enough which then makes me snappy and upset about minor things. It would give me the reassurance he does love me and wants to spend his life with me.

Much like others have said. Stop being coy. Tell him exactly what you want. Understand that an ultimatum may backfire so make sure you’re prepared to follow it through, but that may also be the fire he needs to sort his life out. If he’s the good dad you say he is the reality of not getting to see his kid everyday might make him decide to commit through marriage. Especially if you explain the precarious position he is putting YOU in as an unmarried mother sacrificing your earning potential, pension etc. to raise HIS kid with no legal protections.
Go back to work at the very least part time. Ask him to contribute to a private pension for you, and sort out mirror wills as a very minimum if you are going to stay with him unmarried. If he’s not prepared to do that as a minimum then there really isn’t any option but to leave him as he is not prepared to financially commit to you in any formal and legally binding way.

Be prepared that the fairytale you wanted though is dead. Any proposal from him is never going to be what you wanted because you’ve waited so long. If you put those feelings aside because he really is the person you want to marry, then it shouldn’t matter who asks who (you can ask him and get a date booked in), whether it’s a big expensive wedding or a local town hall and pub lunch event, what matters is the love and commitment to each other and the MARRIAGE.

If I gave him a deadline he’d propose there and then, that’s not what I want, I want him to propose because he wants to marry me and not because he’s being pressured into it.

Then suggest the above, about mirror wills, pension etc. keep marriage completely out of it. Say you want this sorted by the end of Jan. The time it takes to sort those any man with a brain cell will realise a quickie wedding is actually just easier.

You have a baby! At this point, practicality and stability should come before romance.

You both need to be able to communicate freely and make decisions together if this is going to work long term.

So if you don't want to have a cards-on-the-table conversation about booking a wedding date then assume it's not going to happen, plan for 50/50, make sure he's pulling his weight and some when it comes to childcare and household mental load. Progress your career. Build your savings. Make plans of your own.

DO NOT become a SAHM or go part time or in any other way compromise your earning power because you have zero financial protection. Who owns the place you live in? Has your mat leave and baby costs been funded equally by both of you? Has he made up for your pension shortfall?

Oh - and ignore the proposals and Save the Dates unless you're also keeping a tally of divorces.

If he'd propose if you asked I'd have the honest convo rather than leave. Its not going to make it easier to get married if you have a young child and share 50 50 with an ex.

You rushed into the baby and now you are trying in an arse about face way to rush into a proposal.

I do agree that hanging around for years waiting for a proposal is a bad idea and will make you bitter. A 2 year deadline is a better idea.

The best advice I’ve read on this type of situation is to start building a life away from him. Go out without him. Make big decisions without him. He’ll either step up or you’ve built a new life alone.

Agreed say as your not married you need to make a will for you both in case anything happens. Involve pensions too.

Talk about anything but marriage. He'll soon come round m. Although by then you may change your mind 🤔😬

But you're going to blindside him in 2 months for the sake of a romantic proposal rather than open and honest communication and getting what you actually want

Fine if you don't want to ask him— although that is ridiculous in this day and age— but at least have a conversation. All well and good giving him this ultimatum in your head, but he's not a mind reader.

Do you want a proposal or a marriage?

So what were the conversations you've had about marriage?
Waiting on a proposal when you live together and have a child is silly, have an adult conversation and make plans .