How do you ignore everyone becoming engaged and married around you?

[Drummerband]

3 year relationship and a new baby and still no ring.
We’ve discussed marriage before and it’s something we both want, although for me it wasn’t urgent as I wanted a baby first (were not getting any younger now we’re mid 30s). He knows it’s important to me and sees how disappointed I feel when someone announces yet another engagement, yet my time still never comes. (I’m rubbish at hiding my emotions or thoughts)
Even watching tv there is at least one proposal on every bloody programme and now it’s starting to feel like it’s cruelly being rubbed in my face that I’ll never get married.
I didn’t let it get to me before but suddenly his best friend who is known for not committing and for sleeping around is suddenly engaged and expecting a baby. We’re really happy for him and his girlfriend but it’s like salt in the wound because his response to ‘6 months is too soon’ was ‘when you know you’re with the one why wait if you want to marry them’. It stung.
Now this is where I’ll get told to ask him or propose myself but in all honesty I feel embarrassed about the subject. It’s humiliating and hurtful and I have to pretend I don’t care. When in all honesty I feel like he doesn’t love me, he’s settled and waiting for someone better or he just doesn’t want to be married and wants to avoid the subject.
I’ve mentally given myself a deadline of Valentine’s Day and then I’m leaving if it still hasn’t happened.

I think getting that off your chest might have been the best thing you could have done.

As someone who doesn't believe in marriage, he's BSing you and you know he's making excuses. An intelligent adult in 2023 knows they can get married on the cheap and without inviting anyone they don't want to.

Personally, I don't believe that not wanting marriage means you don't want a future or don't see the love as permanent. But I wouldn't fob off my partner if they wanted a conversation about marriage, I'd just make my case for what I believed. (Indeed DP and I have had many conversations about marriage along these lines and luckily we're both on the same page. But if he felt marriage was important I wouldn't BS him with nonsense about rings and costs.)

You're sounding quite childish about it.

Good grief you’ve absolutely swallowed a bucketload of misogyny if you think asking him to marry you is ‘bullying’ and won’t represent real commitment but having an imagined deadline you don’t communicate is fine and normal.

I agree.

Op you just want the title and to fit in with others in your circle. You want the superficial stuff..the proposal, the planning, the party, the gifts, "bragging rights", etc...perhaps for financial reasons.. You don't want him.. You are obsessed.. A title doesn't define a relationship and the health and happiness of a relationship.

A title isn't going to fix and make all of your problems and within the relationship disappear. He isn't going to magically morph into your ideal man because of a title.

The fact that you don't feel like a "real" family because of a title and the legalities is sad.

Stop bringing it up and bullying, nagging, and pressuring him. That behavior is abusive.

Respect his feelings. After plenty of conversations, he doesn't want to get married soon...or never....or get married to you..

If it's a deal-breaker, leave..but you two are tied together for the remainder of your lives as co parents.

Your relationship seems unhealthy and need of work before even considering marriage.

If you don't feel like he loves you despite a title of marriage, you won't feel like he does with one.

You're insecure within the relationship and feeling inadequate..this won't go away even with a title.

You felt these way before child, so why did you have a child by him?

Just work on yourself and your relationship..if both of you are content with the relationship, are you leaving without a marriage title??

Relax. Perhaps individual therapy would be beneficial for you.

@Burntouted that’s a bit harsh and full of assumptions tbh. Different people highly value different things. If the OP values marriage then so be it- you might not, but she does.

OP does not need therapy for God’s sake.

And she has explained why they had a child first.

And as for your speech about him not wanting marriage and her nagging and bullying him etc, then maybe he should stop stringing her along and be honest with her.

Maybe instead of blaming OP and making out she is crazy or ridiculous, you should read back through the OP’s posts because she has made it abundantly clear they’ve talked about marriage numerous times and her partner has repeatedly told her he wants to get married.

He’s clearly making excuses and it is him in the wrong for being too much of a coward to be honest with OP.

A message to OP : please ignore Burntouted post - it’s all just unnecessary and presumptuous blurb, said purposefully to be hurtful and to make you feel bad about yourself and the future you want.

No it isn't. Just because someone isn't coddling and excusing doesn't mean that they're trying to make someone feel badly.. Self reflection, acknowledgment recognition, personal accountability, and responsibility is often needed for anyone to perhaps improve their lives..possibly for the better.

I can't "make" anyone feel anything.

Op is stringing themselves along, (by staying) op is nagging, bullying pressuring, trying to manipulate him. Giving ultimatums. Etc... He tells op these things because he feels pressured, to shut op up, perhaps he means well but wants things to go at a slower, organic pace.. Maybe he changed his mind.. op cares about themselves, and not his feelings.. There's no need to keep bringing it up, after seeing nothing has changed or steered in that direction after the first time..

He doesn't want this now, at all, or not with her.

This wasn't a healthy situation or relationship to bring a child in, their relationship seems unhealthy and dysfunctional. .

Op had a child with someone who they feel doesn't love nor care about them. Op also has alot of insecurities and unhealthy hangups from previous relationships.

Op was like this in previous relationships. (By own admission) Obsessed with getting a title of marriage, the party, gifts, planning, etc... (maybe wanting to get married and become a sahm)

Op equates someone loving and caring about them through titles, not by actions. Op feels that without a marriage title op isn't loved, adaquate enough, that they will be cheated on and left, etc...

Op and him are incompatible.

Op seems not fit to be in any relationship currently.

Op has self esteem, self worth, self respect, control, other issues that need to be worked on before, during, after being in any relationship.

Perhaps therapy would and could be beneficial for op.

Marriage should be the last thing on their mind.

Clearly, they need to either leave each other alone (still have to covalent if both are willing) or op can stay and tolerate it.

Op doesn't have to stay.

You sound very unpleasant and rude. I hope she ignores everything you say.

It's not you OP. The right guy would be desperate to put a ring on you and make you legally family. I mean, you grew his child! Why on earth wouldn't he want you all to be family, to share a name, to have legal protections? Let me guess... baby has his surname? I really bloody hope not.

Unfortunately he's just not that into you. He's into you enough to sleep with you, to have you carry his baby, but not to actually want to call you his wife or have any sort of legal ties to you. One foot in one foot out, until something better comes along. When he meets the woman he's crazy for he'll be engaged within months.

And NONE OF THIS is a slight on you. It isn't your fault, or anything you're lacking, just a sad very common case of a couple that are sort of right enough together for a while but not the great love you want to entangle yourselves fully.

I think this will destroy you the longer you stay. And you have absolutely zero power here. You already live with him, sleep with him, and raise the child you share. He has no reason to want to marry at all. I would honestly have one last conversation 'I'm thinking about my future and what I want: I see myself marrying the right person and living as a family. If that's what you want, great, if not, no hard feelings. Let's take some time to think about the future and maybe have a chat in the New Year'

and then spend the next few weeks making a genuine effort to distance yourself and focus on your own friends, hobbies, work, everything, and stop spending so much time as a 'family' with a man who is very much not keen to call you his family.

He doesn't want to marry you... and I know you want him to WANT to marry you, but he doesn't, and that isn't likely to change. So only you can decide whether a 'okay let's get married, but I'm only doing it cos you want me to do it' is something you can live with and make peace with, or whether things are a bit too far gone for that.

You're entitled to your opinion.

I feel for you Op.

If you'd just been together for 3 years, no children, I'd probably be saying it's still (relatively) early days, and he may just be on a different timeline to you.

But you have a child, so that reason has gone out the window. Plus he knows how you feel. Plus you've had conversations where you both say you want to get married. So it looks more like he's future-faking.

Add to that the fact that his reasons keep changing (he wants to get a more expensive ring than he can afford; he needs to save up for the wedding (when your family have offered to help); he has issues with his own family gathering together)..... all different reasons, and all reasons that could be overcome very easily if he wanted to get married.

It sounds like he doesn't want to get married, or he has some concerns that he isn't being honest about.

@Burntouted sounds like you’re projecting just a tad…..

Projected what???. A lot of my opinions come from the entire thread, and also many responses that op gave.

@Burntouted perhaps you’re the one unfit to be in a relationship or incompatible with your partner and needing therapy. Perhaps you’re the one wanting a party and gifts.

Marriage is a trap. You’re best of unmarried.

I think it was a good thing you let it all out. Much better than doing nothing until February then dumping him unexpectedly.

If you’ve made it clear you don’t want a pricey ring or a fancy wedding and he’s choosing to focus on not being able to afford those things as an excuse then you’re had confirmation of your fears.

Can you imagine not being with him? Does it feel heartbreaking and tragic or freeing and happier?

Seems bizarre to me that you expect him to ask you.

If this is what you want, propose to him.

If he says no, decide what your next move is.

Then it’s clear.