How do you ignore everyone becoming engaged and married around you?

[Drummerband]

3 year relationship and a new baby and still no ring.
We’ve discussed marriage before and it’s something we both want, although for me it wasn’t urgent as I wanted a baby first (were not getting any younger now we’re mid 30s). He knows it’s important to me and sees how disappointed I feel when someone announces yet another engagement, yet my time still never comes. (I’m rubbish at hiding my emotions or thoughts)
Even watching tv there is at least one proposal on every bloody programme and now it’s starting to feel like it’s cruelly being rubbed in my face that I’ll never get married.
I didn’t let it get to me before but suddenly his best friend who is known for not committing and for sleeping around is suddenly engaged and expecting a baby. We’re really happy for him and his girlfriend but it’s like salt in the wound because his response to ‘6 months is too soon’ was ‘when you know you’re with the one why wait if you want to marry them’. It stung.
Now this is where I’ll get told to ask him or propose myself but in all honesty I feel embarrassed about the subject. It’s humiliating and hurtful and I have to pretend I don’t care. When in all honesty I feel like he doesn’t love me, he’s settled and waiting for someone better or he just doesn’t want to be married and wants to avoid the subject.
I’ve mentally given myself a deadline of Valentine’s Day and then I’m leaving if it still hasn’t happened.

3 years is very very soon to be getting engaged.

We do communicate well but there’s only so many times you can discuss the subject before it becomes humiliating. If I make demands and keep badgering him about it I’ll feel a little verucca salt when it’s supposed to be a joined decision. I don’t want to marry a man I have to bully into marrying me. That’s basically what it will be if I tell him my deadline or keep raising the subject and pressuring him.
I want the marriage not the proposal, I want the security and to feel like a real family and with the legalities involved. I want to be his wife. But if he doesn’t want the same then I’m wasting my time, even if I’m single forever I’d rather that than be with someone who doesn’t love me enough to marry me.

We have wills.
We discussed venue, vague time of year, who we’d invite, I even showed him the £30 dress I loved. He said he was saving up for a flashy ring. I said a £10 one is good enough. He said he couldn’t wait. He took me away on our anniversary in summer and I thought he was going to propose, the square box in his pocket was a mum to be keepsake. Lovely but not what I expected. Constant disappoints incoming.

Good grief. Just say to him, I'd like to get married, shall we pick a date? It doesn't have to be a big frothy wedding. If you're getting teary and moping and sulking you may even be putting him off. Time to woman up.

@Drummerband then have a grown up conversation with him, don't make demands or back him into a corner or ask for a proposal. Tell him why marriage is important, check he is on the same page and then mutually agree to get married. Agree a date, buy the ring together and announce together. If he won't agree, then you need to understand what his issue is and whether you are indeed compatible.

Ok so what happens when you discuss marriage? Do you say “I want you to propose to me and I’d like to be married within the next year” or are you vague? Does he know how much you want to be married? What has he said? Does he say he wants that too or does he try and put it off? If he says “yes I’d like to marry you as well” or whatever, just reply “great, let’s book the registry office then for the legal bit”. If you haven’t been clear about what you want and expect then perhaps he just doesn’t think it’s such a priority? But you need to bring up the topic again and have the discussion, or just propose to him. If you’re unwilling to do that then it’s unlikely to happen on your timeline, he isn’t a mind reader.

Is it?? I met my husband, bought a house, had a baby and got married in that time!

If it’s the marriage you want, not the proposal, just tell him you want to go to the registry office and get married.

In that case, you are playing games and setting him up to fail a challenge he doesn’t even know he has been set.

Men are not mind readers. If you want to get married, it’s time for some maturity & some honesty. Just talk to him, and communicate in a straightforward, sensible adult manner. And agree together to set a date, then put the wheels in motion.

Oh my lord. Yes!!!!!!

We’ve had this discussion and he knows how I feel, he doesn’t need to mind read as I spelt it out several times. He says he’s saving for a ring and leaves it there, he won’t entertain a wedding without an engagement or to set a date without an engagement ring. Delay tactics spring to mind and that’s why I’ve had enough waiting.
From what I read the average time of engagement is 18 months - 2 years when a man knows he wants to marry someone he doesn’t hang about. I don’t want to keep talking about it, if I have to bring it up constantly it’ll lose it’s appeal and I won’t want to marry him. It’s ruined how I thought our relationship was because he’s made me feel crap, I’ve done my part in communicating about it. So now I have to manage these feelings and plod on acting like the non stop proposals we see/hear of don’t affect me.

You've had a child, with all due respect but "average times" are out the window. Buy a ring with what he has saved, top it up yourself if you have to, my ring cost £400 10+ years ago and I love it as much today as I did then even though we could afford something in the 1000s of £s now, it represents where we were then. If he won't budge, then I think you potentially have to accept there is a reason he doesn't want to marry, and you then have to decide if that is a relationship you're willing to accept.

You don’t ‘have to’ do that. You’re choosing to do that rather than have a conversation seeking marriage in a short timescale.

Having a conversation and taking decisions for yourself and your DC isn’t ‘bullying’.

If he loves you and wants to marry you but hasn’t handled things at all well, that will become clear. If he’s been stalling or ‘future faking’ and doesn’t want to, better to know.

I'm sorry to hear this, following as I recently ended a four year relationship because was hesitant to commit to anything at all with me, whether that's an engagement, a baby, a house purchase and so on. It was driving me insane to constantly see people getting engaged after even shorter relationships and living in some sort of limbo.
So I really hope you are able to sort things out, especially since you have your baby.

Actually I disagree and understand the op. She’s talked about it many times, he knows the deal. She wants him to now propose as he wants to marry her. Not as she’s given him an ultimatum and they have a kid so he feels he has to.

Just a 3 year relationship and you already have a baby and are now threatening to leave if he doesn’t propose soon. If I was him I’d be running a mile away.

It sounds like you thought baby plus wedding would automatically equate to happiness.

Happiness should come first and if it does you’ll then want other things to come along to strengthen your bond together.

For your sake I hope he doesn’t read this forum.

3 years is long enough in your 30s and have a child together. They’re not teenagers.

What do you say when he pulls out the old "saving for a ring" line? From what you have said here, it should be clear that you don't want the kind of ring that needs saving up for. He must know that? And if he has such an expensive ring in mind, surely that kind of expense needs to be a joint decision now that you have a child together? Have you said to him "I don't want a ring that costs more than £X, we have more important things to spend that on"?

Anyway, I'm sorry about this situation and can completely see why you are upset, especially after his hurtful comment about his friend's engagement. It's also disrespectful that he's dangling it like a carrot, as if it's the ring that you're interested in. Good on you for being prepared to say enough's enough.

I'm surprised that people ask: will you ever get married when you've "only" been going out for 3 years. It's more of a 10+ year question to me (I wouldn't ask but seems more appropriate if one was to ask/ say it).

Anyway, I would make clear to him how much it actually means to him and hopefully, the ring will be there very soon xx

They're not "going out", though, are they? They're staying in, at the home they share, with their child. Why wouldn't they get married?

(Agree it is rude to ask regardless)

Old fashioned families I guess, they were mostly disappointed we weren’t married before having a baby but we made it clear children were more important at our ages.it hasn’t stopped them pestering though.

I told him I didn’t care about the ring or cost, but he insisted he wants me to have an expensive ring. I’m not materialistic and he knows it. My grandparents had the best marriage and their rings were fake and second hand. Even a haribo would do. But the lack of romance and urgent desire to be my husband is very off putting for me now we have a baby.
We are happy as a couple, I know marriage doesn’t change that, I’m unhappy that he’s essentially stringing me along. I’m not naive enough to think he wouldn’t leave for someone younger/prettier/skinnier if he wanted to. I’m at the point where I’m disappointed in our relationship because it hasn’t progressed to marriage. We may have had a baby and bought a house but these days they aren’t real commitments are they.
Thanks to all the comments, just feeling very sensitive tonight and wondering why neither him nor any exes loved me enough to want to marry me, there’s obviously something wrong with me and it’s so hard to mentally deal with all the happiness and romance around me knowing I’m unlikely to experience it.

@Whiskerson I agree, he should propose and the two of them should get married.

I'm just surprised people are asking: "will you ever get married?", to me the language around this implies they have been partners / a couple for a long long time.

Ask him to marry you. Have a date in mind. Don't be vague. For instance say 1 year from now - which means, he'll know you need to start planning now. If he faffs then you know he doesn't want to marry you. Even a little further down, if he's disinterested and unenthusiastic about planning, being shown wedding venues etc - bearing in mind his best friend will be at same stage so wedding talk must be a topic at times - then you can quietly make plans to leave him. Don't let a man who doesnt see you as ever being married to you, dictate your life. I don't see how you'll know unless you ask him.

OP, I just want to say I really sympathise with these feelings. I remember the six months before my DH Asked me to marry him it felt like everyone but me was getting engaged and married. Friends asked us constantly about it, and it drove me absolutely mad. I think the people asking all the time was the most frustrating - I made a vow to never ever ask anyone “do you think you’ll marry him” or “you’re next!”.

I will say some men just don’t get it. I hope he does propose soon and all your feelings are valid, including not wanting to ask him and also not wanting to strong arm him with an ultimatum. It would spoil it.

I will say after I got married, it transpired a LOT of our friends had been ultimatumed into it and the women has said “propose by Christmas or else” and their relationships are fine. But this isn’t obvious initially, it just looks all romcom and lovely.

Sorry OP, it doesn't sound like he wants to marry you.

Start building your life away from him and save yourself the heartache of being future faked (been there, got the t-shirt).