How do you ignore everyone becoming engaged and married around you?

[Drummerband]

3 year relationship and a new baby and still no ring.
We’ve discussed marriage before and it’s something we both want, although for me it wasn’t urgent as I wanted a baby first (were not getting any younger now we’re mid 30s). He knows it’s important to me and sees how disappointed I feel when someone announces yet another engagement, yet my time still never comes. (I’m rubbish at hiding my emotions or thoughts)
Even watching tv there is at least one proposal on every bloody programme and now it’s starting to feel like it’s cruelly being rubbed in my face that I’ll never get married.
I didn’t let it get to me before but suddenly his best friend who is known for not committing and for sleeping around is suddenly engaged and expecting a baby. We’re really happy for him and his girlfriend but it’s like salt in the wound because his response to ‘6 months is too soon’ was ‘when you know you’re with the one why wait if you want to marry them’. It stung.
Now this is where I’ll get told to ask him or propose myself but in all honesty I feel embarrassed about the subject. It’s humiliating and hurtful and I have to pretend I don’t care. When in all honesty I feel like he doesn’t love me, he’s settled and waiting for someone better or he just doesn’t want to be married and wants to avoid the subject.
I’ve mentally given myself a deadline of Valentine’s Day and then I’m leaving if it still hasn’t happened.

If this is the case then he's not future faking you- he's just taking longer than you'd like. I have read other posts on here where the partner really doesn't want to get married and in those cases wouldn't respond to a deadline like this. I agree with pp that it would be best to shelve the romantic notions and just give the deadline- or maybe if it doesn't happen over Christmas, move out for a bit to get some thinking space and really truly communicate how upsetting this is for you (as it doesn't sound like he's aware of how deeply its affecting you) so he starts to understand and get a scare/kick up the arse. I am another one who pushed my DP for marriage - it was different as we didn't have DC or own a house- but I made it very clear what I expected, he couldn't afford a great ring so I chose a cheap one I wanted (later got an upgrade!) And there was no romantic proposal, it was just at home in our flat. He's not one for the romantic gestures, and if I hadn't made myself very clear who knows when he'd have got around to proposing- but he shows his love in millions of different ways and we're very happy. So I'd urge you not to let this kill your love for your DP if he's otherwise great- just insist! As pp said, there is very often a woman giving an ultimatum behind the romantic proposals one sees on Instagram. Women are socialised to value marriage more than men (even though it usually benefits them more than us!) So it's not surprising it's not an urgent priority for him as it is for you. Doesn't mean he doesn't really love you.

If his family is old fashioned and he wants to please them, that’s a good thing and another bargaining chip you have.
You could get his parents/grandparents on side? If his grandma says ‘I want to see you married in my lifetime’ is that a possibility?

(Sorry I’m just being practical)

In the meantime keep working, and build yourself, so that he sees what he’s risking losing! Keep you own hobbies and friends as much as possible.

Did you both plan the pregnancy ?

Sorry but he doesn’t want to marry you. You shouldn’t have had a baby. Do not go part time or become a SAHM without being married. Also hope the baby has your surname.

No that's not a marriage, it's a wedding. OP absolutely needs a marriage if they're considering her becoming a SAHM.

OP - whatever you do, do not become a SAHM or go part-time before you are married.

This is why I'm so against proposals. Agree to get married, and book it. Sadly always come across these threads where women are sitting around waiting to be proposed to.

This is not a very fashionable opinion, but it has been shown over and over again that the optimal scenario for children is to be raised by their two biological parents in a low-conflict, stable household.

Now, obviously, the usual caveats apply - there are lots of family structures and children can do very well in other set-ups; clearly nobody is encouraging (mainly) women to stay in abusive marriages for the sake of the children etc etc (see above point about a low-conflict household). Nevertheless, the overall point still stands.

In this particular case, where the relationship is apparently otherwise good, I cannot see how the OP leaving her child's father in any way benefits her child. Her child would lose everyday contact with their father. In a 50-50 parenting scenario, they would have to shuttle between two families. The parents will almost certainly be financially worse off. In time, the child will probably have to contend with stepparents and blended families, all of which bring challenges of their own. None of this is in the child's best interests.

In my view, the time for ultimatums was before having a child. Splitting up a family is very different from leaving a partner.

Right now I think the OP needs to work on ensuring she is legally protected in the event of a split and focus on the good aspects of her relationship, regardless of the presence of a wedding ring.

@EvelynKatie Yes I meant *not a marriage. You are absolutely right in the rest of the message.

I am in a bit of a man hating phase admittedly but WHY does marriage/proposals continue to be something women are seemingly desperate for that men resist? Marriage benefits men the most! Almost without exception. The happiest people are married men (and single women). As evidenced on Mumsnet women USUALLY do all of the grunt work in a marriage. Men continue to be as useless as they were before. I look around and I don't see women hugely benefitting from marriage unless they married a rich bloke.

Why do you want to get married op?
I can understand the legal protection if you've given up work etc but apart from that....

Marriage is the most boring predictable run of the mill thing you can do with your life. Do not put any of your self worth into whether some man who can't see why getting married would be great for him wants to do some nonsense proposal.

Why do you want to get married op.

There is nothing wrong with asking him yourself. It's 2023.

Just so you know, 2024 is a leap year!

Wait. You think babies and homes are disposable but a marriage is not. (For a man). That’s a very warped view of the world. I found having a newborn the hardest thing in the world because this was the first thing I had ever done that I couldn’t reverse. Presumably you mean that as a mum you can’t walk away from a baby but your partner can.

If you think your other half could walk away from your child then why did you want a baby with him?! And why on earth would you want to marry this man you don’t trust will actually be around to be a good dad?!

But she's already doing that. Your position only makes sense if you're comparing it to single life. By the time you've bought a house with a man and had his baby, you've already got all the day-to-day dreariness of picking up a man's socks without him even having bothered to marry you.

I think this is a false comparison made more generally by all sorts of people for various reasons - e.g. men who claim not to believe in marriage, yet want all its trappings.

I really think you need to have a serious conversation about it. It's not humiliating to discuss something. You're living together with a child. Why not discuss marriage? It's an adult thing to do, rather than keeping it all bottled up inside feeling very emotional about it.
I think it's a bit unfair that you're pretending not to care about it but planning to leave him in 2 months if he hasn't proposed. He might not realise how you're feeling.
Just have a chat first and then decide if you want to leave.

It sounds like the 2 of you are not compatible. Thats the problem having a baby too soon. You often don’t really know each other well enough.

I feel sorry for him. He deserves better.

OP, I would bet a few pounds of my hard earned cash that a good majority of these engagements you speak off don’t make it to the altar. I have seen it so many times, sometimes the same person. I get you would like the ring and marriage eventually but try to look at your relationship as a whole.

Your worth is not defined by whether your partner wants to get married. He obviously likes you enough to live with you and have a baby with you. You are your own person and at this point in your relationship should be a discussion, not a big proposal. You are well past love's young dream, I'm afraid!

Does marriage have any significance to you, beyond the legal aspects? If you've always wanted a big white wedding and that's the only way you'll ever be happy, this relationship is probably not for you. If you are fine as you are, book an appointment to get wills and POA sorted and tell him that's what you're doing. You need to be practical. You'll have to speak to the solicitor about tax thresholds in line with your financial statuses, as that's the only thing that can't be replicated without being married - if you'd need to pay inheritance tax if one of you died, getting married would be sensible.

Do not become a SAHM. Marriage is no protection really - a man earning a decent salary will have access to a much better lawyer than you can afford.

Also - bear in mind that marriage is no guarantee of a successful relationship. One of my friends is on his third marriage, in the time my partner and I have been together and happily not married.

Ultimatum? I’d run a mile if someone tried to emotionally blackmail me like that. You can’t force someone to want to marry you. It’s been 8 years for me, I can enjoy my relationship without a ring. Is there a deep insecurity?

Also comparing to others is a one way ticket to misery. That has to stop.

Imagine being proposed to solely because you bullied him into it, would that make you happy?

It depends how important marriage is to you OP. I know a lot of people don’t see the benefit of it and tbh I never did either until I met DH.

We have a friend who dated his ex for 10 years and had 2 kids. He eventually proposed to her because of peer/family pressure but they never went through with the wedding. They eventually split and he met someone else who he’d proposed to within 3 months! It was like you said about your friend, ‘when you know you know’.

It kind of sounds like the resentment has started to build up already and that if he does propose now it’ll be out of obligation. Does he talk about any reservations he may have regarding marriage?

Apologies if this comes across as mean but you’ve chosen to prioritise having a baby over marriage which often is the crucial error. If you want marriage, I would strongly advise not having a baby or buying a house until you’re married. That way you avoid tying yourself with a man who won’t marry you. Talk is cheap so only rely on the actions of a man.

Unfortunately you’ve rushed to have a baby before seeing if this man is committed to marrying you and sorry to say it doesn’t seem like he is. Seems to me like he’s fobbing you off with stories about saving for an expensive ring, unfortunately a common tactic I’ve heard of.

You now have to choose whether this is ok with you (not being married/waiting for it to happen) or whether you want to break up your relationship and not have your child full time in the family you’d envisaged.

I would hate to guilt or beg or force my other half to get engaged, I’d want it to be spontaneous and a surprise.

unfortunately once babies come along marriage seems to go on the back burner, some men are happy with their baby and have no interest in getting married. They have their family and don’t see being married changing it.

The comment about his reservations could be partly to do with it. He’s a very anxious person so as much as he’d deny it, he’ll be overthinking how to ask me, if I’d like the ring, if he can remember my ring size correctly, if he needs my dad’s permission etc etc and that would be enough to scare him out of asking. Not that I’m making excuses for him, he was the one who initially brought up the subject a year in and told me how desperate he was for me to be his wife. He’s had plenty of time and chances but has chosen to not ask or to continue the conversations. I’ve already spoken to him several times, if I keep bringing it up then it will be bullying and as I said I won’t say yes if it’s based on pressure. I think I am resentful now yes, bitter and jealous everyone else has their happiness in shorter relationships and I’m left feeling insecure. I want to get married for love, to be Mrs X and have our family, I know the general gist of our relationship will be the same and I’m fine with that, I don’t want the fake romance movie lifestyle, I just want security and to know I’m loved enough to marry. If he doesn’t want to marry me after all the talks and promises then yes it wouldn’t be fair to break our babies family, but is it also fair for them to grow up knowing I’m not happy and staying with their dad for their sake?

Not that I’m making excuses for him, he was the one who initially brought up the subject a year in and told me how desperate he was for me to be his wife.

Sorry but this is bullshit. A man who really felt that way would have married you yesterday, especially with you starting a family. I’m not saying this to be cruel, but so you realise you need to a man’s actions not his words.