How do you ignore everyone becoming engaged and married around you?

[Drummerband]

3 year relationship and a new baby and still no ring.
We’ve discussed marriage before and it’s something we both want, although for me it wasn’t urgent as I wanted a baby first (were not getting any younger now we’re mid 30s). He knows it’s important to me and sees how disappointed I feel when someone announces yet another engagement, yet my time still never comes. (I’m rubbish at hiding my emotions or thoughts)
Even watching tv there is at least one proposal on every bloody programme and now it’s starting to feel like it’s cruelly being rubbed in my face that I’ll never get married.
I didn’t let it get to me before but suddenly his best friend who is known for not committing and for sleeping around is suddenly engaged and expecting a baby. We’re really happy for him and his girlfriend but it’s like salt in the wound because his response to ‘6 months is too soon’ was ‘when you know you’re with the one why wait if you want to marry them’. It stung.
Now this is where I’ll get told to ask him or propose myself but in all honesty I feel embarrassed about the subject. It’s humiliating and hurtful and I have to pretend I don’t care. When in all honesty I feel like he doesn’t love me, he’s settled and waiting for someone better or he just doesn’t want to be married and wants to avoid the subject.
I’ve mentally given myself a deadline of Valentine’s Day and then I’m leaving if it still hasn’t happened.

Whatever you do don’t give up your job! Stay financially independent and secure

I think you'd be silly to leave a perfectly good man whom you have a baby with, just because he doesn't want to get married yet, a child is more of a commitment than marriage, if you don't like being married you can walk away and don't see each other, with a child you still see each other.
If you leave a perfectly good man and leave your child without a full time father just because you aren't getting your own way. That isn't good for your child.

How old is your baby? How has your mood been since the birth? You mention being hormonal, please be careful of making big decisions soon after having a baby. To be honest I think you probably had 'baby/house/marriage' fixed as a happy ever after before you even met him, not necessarily in that order but that they are the three things you equated with your future happiness and now you are fretting over only having two of them which is leaving you feeling insecure. I am old enough to be your parent and went about things very differently, my dh and I were 7 years together before we married, never lived together beforehand, I had a 16 year old dc by the time we married and there was no proposal, grand or otherwise. We discussed our future, agreed we wanted to be together and married, went together to purchase an engagement ring which we both contributed to and booked the wedding for a few months later. You have spoken to you dp about weddings and rings but have you had a proper deep conversation about the future, your need to return to work as soon as your maternity leave is over, where your child will be minded, the cost of same. Who is taking time off when the child is ill? What plans are in place for when dc starts school? You need to calmly show him that in reality you are two people in joint ownership (I hope) of a house and joint responsibility for a child, as well as individual careers and without the protection of marriage you need to behave as if your future is insecure because it is (honestly I don't believe marriage makes it very much more secure but its what you want). Have you been wanting to get married since you were young? You mentioned that you feel none of your ex loved you enough to marry you? It sounds like getting married means more to you than the person you may marry. I've had friends who were desperate to get married and made very bad choices as a result so maybe take a little time to figure out exactly why it means so much to you? If you put this invisible deadline in place and he doesn't propose so you break up what is your plan after that? Who is leaving the house? Who is having the dc, where and when? Do you love your dp? Do you believe he loves you? Is he good to you? I hope things work out but I think you need to talk to your dp, not in a general way but in a very precise factual way.

I would give yourself a deadline. - 1,2,3 years. Whatever feels reasonable to you. I would also have a frank conversation, say you want to be married by X date as it's important to you.
Then if you have not had a proposal or set a date by the time your deadline ends walk away. If it was me I wouldn't go back either because then if he proposed he would only be doing it because you left him. Not a good enough reason.

I told him I didn’t care about the ring or cost, but he insisted he wants me to have an expensive ring.

This is quite telling. He's actually being quite selfish and refusing to listen to you, while dressing it up as something you should be grateful for.

You sound understandably so worn out by this situation. You are intelligent enough and value yourself enough to be clear-eyed about it. I don't have a magic wand, but I hope you keep your head held high and look after yourself, and don't stop communicating your needs - it's not nagging, it's about wanting to be heard about how you feel in the relationship, and wanting a genuine conversation where he opens up too (not just being fobbed off with talk of a shiny ring). I can see how already your heart is closing to him, which is understandable, but will only lead one way and marriage isn't it.

It's Xmas in less than a week so maybe he has something planned then so I'd just keep quiet for now in case you go ruining his big Xmas proposal. I think you might be overreacting a bit. You've only been together 3 years which in the grand scheme of things isn't that long and you have a baby which you obviously discussed and planned so it's not like he's not committed to you.

My DH and I discussed marriage after 2 months together and even went browsing for rings around 4 months. It was a full year after looking at rings that he actually proposed. In the meantime we'd bought a house together and started a business so there was always something going on. He wanted the proposal to be perfect. The right time, the right location etc. And it was.

You have a new baby and I assume have set up home together all within 3 years. It's not like there's been no progress in your relationship.

Like I said, I'd wait until after NY, don't give a deadline or ultimatum but definitely express your desire to get married and make sure it's definitely on the cards sometimes soon.

Wait till after new year and then if no proposal Tell him it's time to split up. If he then says no no ill marry you don't fall for it.

Don't give up your job. Keep a record of your joint bank account.

At this point and in your shoes op is start looking at securing your own future as he clearly isn't going to marry you. Start by keeping up with your ft working, I'd also look into buying your own home and investing in your pension. If you can't afford to do all of this then take small steps. Things you'd normally invest in for you both, start putting the money away. You are in a financially tricky situation if you do go part time.

I think you are going about things the wrong way, but I wouldn’t call it being dramatic. I think you are being juvenile dreaming of your proposal at Christmas, New Year, Valentine Day when you have already bucked tradition by having a baby first.

You don’t need to “propose” to him either, you say you have discussed marriage many times, so you just need to do that again but this time say “let’s get the wedding booked”. And take it from there.

Please I’m begging you don’t be a SAHM or go PT unless you’re married. You are putting yourself in such a financially vulnerable position. You need to approach it from that angle, that if you both agree you’ll stay at home, you need to be married. Even just go to register office. He needs to understand that, if you’re making that sacrifice of your financial independence and career, you need protection. If no marriage, you need to work FT and split child care costs and all household tasks.
we got married after 10 years but we were younger and no kids yet. So you have moved very fast in my opinion but having a kid is a lifelong commitment already

*I’m not naive enough to think he wouldn’t leave for someone younger/prettier/skinnier if he wanted to....

...wondering why neither him nor any exes loved me enough to want to marry me, there’s obviously something wrong with me and it’s so hard to mentally deal with all the happiness and romance around me knowing I’m unlikely to experience it.*

You need to work on your self esteem.

A baby and buying a house together in 3 years is quite a lot of commitment.. you decided a baby was more important so had them first which is completely understandable but you're now willing to break up their family because you're not getting your way quick enough. I think it's pretty steep to say it's unlikely you'll ever marry when you've not been together that long.

It's pointless comparing yourself to friends getting engaged aswell, everyone are in different positions and an engagement doesn't make their relationship stronger than yours.

We may have had a baby and bought a house but these days they aren’t real commitments are they.

If they're not real commitments, why do you think marriage is? I assume you mean an emotional commitment, not a financial one as you're not a SAHM and you're financially independent. Marriage isn't an indicator of how healthy your relationship is.

Tbh I think the problem is that the relationship has soured - not necessarily from his end but your end. He's been flaky about marriage, and you've understandably gone off him because of that. (It's one thing if he doesn't believe in marriage or has reasons for not marrying that he's been upfront with you about - but his words and his actions are disconnected and there's a dishonesty to that.)

I know LTB is cliched advice on here, and with a baby you might not want to think about that move, but you need to have a real think about whether you can come back from this emotionally. I don't think that everything will be magically resolved if/when he finally proposes. I think you've gone off him too much, and if your relationship is going to come back from this it needs some real work, probably with a professional, from both of you together. I also think there would be no shame in separating.

Is he good enough for you? Think of it that way round.

Married couples don't love each other more than non married partners. Nor are they more special, respectable or any other quality you might think.

Sit down and say we have a baby I want it’s parents to be married - what do you want - are you happy to get married by feb small registry office - I was a marriage not a wedding? Ok ✅ if you don’t want it tell me now as this is something I really want and need it’s really important to me

I think you need to be more assertive. You say you don’t want a proposal or a ring - tell him that clearly. If he’s not listening to what you want, then I don’t think you’ll ever be on the same page. Pick a night when you both have a bit of time, discuss what sort of wedding you want and then book it.

You are a grown woman and as such you need to take the initiative. I've never waited for a man to do anything - they won't, they will just sit there forever not doing anything with their feet comfortably under the table, they don't read emotions. This isn't fairyland where princes come and sweep you off your feet.
Tell him you love him and you want to get married as it's important your baby has a stable home with married parents. Agree to set a date even if its a registry office.
If you are not married you will have to work full time and be completely independent, if he just goes off you'll get nothing so you need to make sure you are able to support you and your baby.
Look at that poor woman who drowned, Nicola Bulley, she wanted to get married and her partner said after her death that he "never got round to it" which is a typical bloke thing. Why bother asking when you are quite comfortable as you are.

At what age??

DH and I met (online) late twenties / mid thirties. Moved in a few months after first date. Engaged at 6 months. Given the ages, we prioritised wedding and baby over mortgage. 12 month engagement. Tried for babies immediately. DS1 two years after the wedding, DS2+3 four years after that. I appreciate it's ONLY been a decade but no regrets yet!

1. Ok if you don’t care about the proposal and the ring then just discuss marriage. Say I want to marry you. I don’t need a wedding. If you (aka the man) wants a wedding then tough. So should we set a date when we get married? How we responds to this will be very telling. Be very insistent on focussing on marriage as the goal not the ring and the wedding.

1. Second, if you do genuinely think he will leave you for a younger and prettier version of you then I am sorry but this isn’t a happy relationship anyway. DH has his flaws but he’s never ever made me feel that I am inadequate physically. And believe me I am no Greta Garbo.

1. Also have a genuine think about your relationship because somehow you don’t think a house or a baby are ‘real commitments.’ To me they are. I wonder if there is any chance once you persuade your OH to sign a piece of paper that the real cracks in your relationship will show up. And by then leaving will be harder because you are married.

Also as someone has just said a marriage is a relationship where two people have signed a piece of paper (and had a party). It won’t make your relationship better. Most people will tell you that the first year of marriage (and having a baby) are the hardest. So if you think you will feel more in love or more bonded once you are married that’s not true.

I do think walking away with a young baby over a wedding is unfair on your child.
You're committing your child to seeing Dad for a fraction of their time in their formative years (everyone agrees it's to young for overnights or 50/50), possibly to step Dad's and step siblings who may or may not marry you.

I understand not bullying him into it, but you need to have a grown up conversation.

When we talk about marriage and you say yes but then don't propose it feels like you're just delaying.
When you delay it makes me feel like you're not actually interested in marrying me.
When I feel like you don't want to marry me it makes me feel the relationship isn't secure and our family isn't secure.
You say you want marriage with me. We're not kids. We're not the first.

But if you don't want it, then I'd rather know now, if you're not sure I'm your forever person let's go out separate ways amicably. If I am, let's set a date for 2024 and book it.

I completely understand what you are saying: you’ve discussed it, been very clear and he is evasive about it. You want to feel loved passionately so obviously this attitude gets you down. I think there are several possible reasons he is doing this:

• he doesn’t really love you or want to commit to you
• he doesn’t believe in marriage
• he is a bit passive and can’t get his act together to make it happen.

It’s possible that he does want marriage etc but is getting hung up on it all happening the right way and doesn’t have the get up and go to organise the ring, proposal etc. You will be the best judge of whether this is possible knowing his character. What I would say is that you both seem to be hanging onto romantic ideals and possibly both struggling to live up to them. I know plenty of marriages where the wife has basically forced the issue and it’s fine - there is no lack of love, it’s just that people don’t live up to our ideal of romantic behaviour.

As someone who is dealing with my DHs ex's constant bullshit due to them having children together and a pending court case over a house he had when he was with her 3.5 years ago, I can assure you that babies and houses are absolutely a commitment.

I was married previously, no kids. I haven't heard from or seen my exH since we split up and that was 10 years ago.

Please do NOT contemplate being a SAHM while unmarried!

I think that having had a baby already does weaken your position.

For some kind of ultimatum, you could try: you want the best for his child, which is 2 married committed parents, or you want a subsequent child to be born in wedlock.

Otherwise if unmarried I hope you will give this baby /future children your name (your last bargaining chip)!

Thank you everyone, so many helpful replies giving me things to consider so I have a lot to sit down and think about.
I think the comments about me going off him are spot on. 3 years May seem soon to some but once a baby arrives, timing goes out the window. I’m sick of feeling like this and the longer it goes on the more crap I feel. I don’t know if I want to marry him anymore.
Dads can walk away from their children, houses can be sold, marriage is a bit more personal and I see it as bigger commitment for that reason. I know you can get divorced but it’s still an intimate thing.
my self esteem is shot to pieces yes I should work on it, but while I’m feeling unwanted it’s hard to let myself believe I’m good enough.