How do you ignore everyone becoming engaged and married around you?

[Drummerband]

3 year relationship and a new baby and still no ring.
We’ve discussed marriage before and it’s something we both want, although for me it wasn’t urgent as I wanted a baby first (were not getting any younger now we’re mid 30s). He knows it’s important to me and sees how disappointed I feel when someone announces yet another engagement, yet my time still never comes. (I’m rubbish at hiding my emotions or thoughts)
Even watching tv there is at least one proposal on every bloody programme and now it’s starting to feel like it’s cruelly being rubbed in my face that I’ll never get married.
I didn’t let it get to me before but suddenly his best friend who is known for not committing and for sleeping around is suddenly engaged and expecting a baby. We’re really happy for him and his girlfriend but it’s like salt in the wound because his response to ‘6 months is too soon’ was ‘when you know you’re with the one why wait if you want to marry them’. It stung.
Now this is where I’ll get told to ask him or propose myself but in all honesty I feel embarrassed about the subject. It’s humiliating and hurtful and I have to pretend I don’t care. When in all honesty I feel like he doesn’t love me, he’s settled and waiting for someone better or he just doesn’t want to be married and wants to avoid the subject.
I’ve mentally given myself a deadline of Valentine’s Day and then I’m leaving if it still hasn’t happened.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my fingers that my DP wouldn’t get any stupid ideas in his head, like leaving me for someone who wanted to get married, or worse, proposing to me.

We remain happily unmarried as do most of our friends and acquaintances.

What do you want to get out of a marriage?

If you think your partner would have made a bigger commitment to you by marrying you than he would offer his child, don't marry him. DH and I might divorce in the future, who knows. But I'd put money on the fact he'll always be around for his kids. I wouldn't have had them with someone I thought would find it easier to walk away from them than a legal arrangement with me.

To be clear the comment about men can walk away from their children wasn’t aimed at my partner. It was a general view on how I don’t see having children as a commitment to a relationship. He’d never walk away from our baby, he’s a fantastic dad.

@Drummerband - treat yourself to Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsay for Christmas. It will help you to help yourself.

What’s his reason? I agree it’s completely unfair for him to string you along and shouldn’t be all in his power. I think you need to tell him that you have a limit in case he doenst realise. But it’s not just about engagement he has to be willing to set a date too. But tbh if you’re fighting over this is this really how you want married life to start?

What would he say if you said let's just book it?

This is why I’ve posted and come to realise I’m getting so bitter. It’s a vicious circle because if he proposed today I’d probably still be a bit resentful it took almost 2 years of discussing it. If we got married because I demanded we set a date and he went along with it, I’d always look back on it being a forced situation and not something he wanted enough to ask off his own back. I know I’m not helping myself and I’m admittedly feeling sorry for myself lately, but it feels like the moment has been ruined regardless of what happens next. I don’t think I’ll ever feel good enough, if you love someone enough to suggest marriage but never propose how do you expect them to feel about themselves. If he’d never initiated the conversation and got it in my head I wouldn’t be fussed that were not married.

You're ruining it for yourself. Yes, he's spoken about marriage for ages but you chose to prioritise having a baby over marriage with which he went along with. You have your baby. And from the sounds of it relatively recently. Give him some breathing space. Maybe he wants to leave some time between the birth and proposing so it doesn't just seem that he's proposing because you've had his baby.

I would have married DH with a haribo ring in a registry office but he wanted to do things "properly". He said I deserved a proper romantic proposal. He's quite old fashioned being raised by his grandparents and he asked my dad's permission and took my mum for help choosing the ring. He proposed in the most perfect way and it's a memory I'll have forever. I would have married him regardless of the proposal but I'm glad I just trusted him and let him do it the way he wanted to as it was so special.

Proposing is a big thing for some men. It's not all about you. Maybe you'd be happy with a cheap ring but maybe he wants to give you more than that. Just chill a little and trust that he has a plan. Let the man give you the proposal he thinks you deserve. If it had been 10 years of promising then yes I'd say he's clearly not interested but it's been 3 years and you've just had a baby. I think you're being a bit hasty.

Thank you I did need that snap into reality. I’m glad you got your perfect proposal, it sounds like it was amazing.
I guess that’s all I need, assurance I’m loved and special to him. Maybe I just don’t feel it and I’m projecting. I wasn’t fussed about marriage before baby but now it’s suddenly everything and it’s gone the opposite way for him.

Would you propose to him? I proposed to DH!

Alternatively, I’ve read that some people buy a wedding dress/engagement ring without being engaged. What would happen if you saw a ring you loved and told him you were buying it as an engagement ring? Might take the stress of him choosing a ring away?

Im not sure why MN is so against marriage but it’s clearly important to you so it would be a big thing to give up on your part.

Was the baby planned and does he/she have his surname?

If I were you I'd suggest nipping to the registry office and then having a party at some point in the future. You could even have a service/blessing later if you want the whole white dress gig. If he's overwhelmed by the prospect of the cost or the attention or the whole procedure from proposal through to honeymoon then if you make it as easy as possible for him and he still says no then you have your answer.

I actually mostly agree with this.

It's been 3 years. You've chosen to have a baby before marriage. 3 years in hindsight isn't a long time. I'm guessing you live together? Having a baby, living together and getting engaged is a lot in 3 years. I know it's not a lot for some, but that's a lot of expense.

Chill out a bit, you've told him your expectations, he's told you he wants to marry you and is saving for a ring. Why can't you let him do that? He's allowed to take his time. If you force him into this 2 month timeframe he's just going to propose to you because he's forced to, not off his own back.

Chill out a bit.

I also agree with this

I wasnt bothered about getting married i have to admit, then i had children and felt like it was the right thing to do. Ive always worked, weve both got fairly decent wages, pensions etc. but now (hes got a drinking problem, but thats another story) i wish i hadnt bothered. Im just saving some cash and planning a divorce and it gets me angry ive got to go through the whole divorce process to untangle myself from him. I just want to walk away but its not so easy. I dont want anything from him. I can support myself. In my case, its not made any difference getting married vs being together as common law partner

@Drummerband I think your feelings are completely valid. I also think it’s heightened because deep down you don’t feel like he wants to get married. I think there’s a big difference when two people are on the same page about wanting to get married but the man is waiting for the perfect time rather than it being one person who really wants to get married and the other doesn’t and just uses delaying tactics. Like you say, you don’t want to have to force him into, you want him to want to do it. At the minute though you are getting upset and feeling bitter about it all and that’s probably not going to result in a proposal when feelings like this are simmering. So I would probably give it one more year, don’t mention it to him, don’t nag about it, just see what happens. And then after that year if he’s still not done it, with the pressure off, then he never will.

Thanks again to those with kind comments and helpful advice.
I planned to take on board the advice but I accidentally snapped when it got to much for me last night and I let out everything I’ve written here in between tears and tantrums. He was shocked and his response was that he can’t afford a wedding yet. Well that set me off more because a wedding can be as cheap as you want, a basic registry office is nothing, and my family have already told me they’d pay for my wedding which he knows. So he wasn’t even considering the engagement bit and was straight to the wedding. I would have been happy with a gap between the two. So very childishly of me I’ve told him not to bother. Yes I need to grow up and stop sulking, but at the same time he needs to take my feelings on board and to push it aside as a wedding costing too much when it isn’t his problem just makes me even more aware he doesn’t want to marry me.
I’m not sure where we go from here but after Christmas I will rethink about our future and possibly end it if I don’t feel happy. It’s hard to escape your own head sometimes so as it will always hang over me I can’t let it drop and let him hold all the cards. If anyone wants to add anything based on the update then I’d appreciate it, even if it is just to tell me again to shut up and be patient. trust me I’m feeling really embarrassed right now for my outburst.

Don’t feel embarrassed but you do need to make a decision. You can’t force someone to marry you op. And that’s what a tantrum is attempting to do.

Sorry OP, I don’t think he wants to marry you.

That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you as a person, I’m sure he loves you very much, but there is clearly something about marriage that he does not want.

Unless he can find the backbone to be honest with you about what he’s feeling so you can work through it together, then I don’t see how things can be resolved.

You cannot stay with someone who makes you feel so bad about yourself x

I promise the tantrum wasn’t to manipulate him, I just broke down after holding back emotions for so long but I didn’t beg or plead and if he’d proposed I’d have said no because it would be the wrong time. He’s since made excuses about not wanting guests as he has family issues and that I deserve a very expensive ring and wedding, I don’t care about that because the end result is the same regardless of costs. I don’t think I could stay with someone who doesn’t want to marry me because it’s the same as not wanting a future or seeing me as a permanent love.

@Drummerband I think in the new year you have some decisions to make. It’s clear he doesn’t want to marry you and it’s also clear it means a great deal to you. I did think initially you should leave it a year but I think your resentment is only going to fester the longer it goes on. And the more outbursts that happen like last night the more unlikely it will be that he does propose. Unless you can somehow accept he will never marry you and make peace with it, (and then it be a nice surprise if he ever does) then I don’t think there is a future here.

One thing that helped me when I was in this situation was setting myself a deadline by which I'd either make my peace with the situation, or leave.

We moved in together after a year together, and got engaged after 2 years together, completely unprompted by me, so I had no reason to doubt a wedding wouldn't be forthcoming.

My DP at the time mentioned getting one event out of the way, then we'd start planning the wedding. With that assurance, we started a family, and had 2 DC in the following 3 years. I then waited a further year before asking about the wedding, when alarm bells started ringing as he didn't seem that keen, and other than the proposal had never brought it up again.

By then we were 5 years into the relationship, and 3 years engaged. With the babies and a busy life, it was a further year before I got round to querying about the wedding again, and got the same response. I resolved to give it another year, so my deadline was 5 years engaged.

It helped enormously that my DP started taking me for granted, and became emotionally abusive in the last year or so, and I resented being put in a position I really hadn't planned to be in, so it was by then a far from happy relationship, which made it much easier for me to leave.

Just remember that marriage and relationships are ultimately pretty terrible.

Many if not most will eventually fail. And those that don't usually result in at least one party being miserable.

So enjoy and forget :)

Could you negotiate and do a registry wedding and then in a few years do a party?

We got married during Covid at a registry office and plan on doing a ‘vow renewal’/party/white dress event at the 5 yr mark. I think it’s pretty common for Covid weddings to have a late party but I think it’s also becoming more and more common among millennials.

What a ridiculous comment. I’ve been with my DP for 20 years and never bothered to get married.

We have a wonderful DS, are financially secure and have an amazing life together.

The suggestion that either of us don’t want a future together is nonsense.

I’d respectfully suggest that your actions will be seen as a huge red flag to him. If my DP had ever acted like that I’d have had grave doubts about our future. Maybe you 2 are just not compatible?