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Original poster

New boyfriend's performative love drives me mad

141 replies

OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 11:32

Long time poster on this board but NCed to protect privacy. I know I might be the unreasonable one here and I am open to tough criticism if that is the case :)

A couple of months ago I started dating a man I had been close friends with for over 2 years. Our feelings grew slowly but steadily for the last year until we finally got together in October. We know each other very well, so I believe that our feelings are based on mutual respect and trust rather than just lust or superficial infatuation. We are both mid-30s and I had been single for 4 years before him, so I am well aware that this type of connection is rare. He is wonderful with me, he is crazy about me, super attentive, and caring.

Since I know him so well as a friend, I know that despite his many qualities and talents he is an insecure person. When we first met as friends I initially I thought he was a show-off, always trying to look cool or smart in a way that I found forced and off-putting. Over time, as he got more comfortable with me and our friend group, this behavior stopped, he relaxed and I was able to appreciate him for the wonderful, talented man that he is.

The trouble is that now he is doing it again, this time romantic edition!!!

Examples of this behavior include:

  • Deciding that he wants to play the piano in front of me at 2 am "just to unwind before bed" >>> bullshit, I know he was doing it to show me how great of a pianist he is. I just wanted to sleep!!!
  • Wearing really silly "cool" clothes at home to look like some cool rockstar, like wearing a blazer with nothing underneath and a beanie for morning breakfast in the kitchen >>> he usually wears normal clothes and I know he was trying to look cool for me.
  • Looking at me with a silly, forced loved-up face and then pretending to realize and shaking it off to look serious again >>> I know he is doing it just as a performance to show me how much he likes me, it is not a spontaneous thing at all!
I appreciate all the behaviors are benign and the bottom line is that he likes me and wants to show it, but God I find this stuff so off-putting. Because I know him so well I can see right through him and I know when he is just doing something to look cool or show off. I find this stuff so childish.

I don't want to control him or change who he is. I cherish our relationship which is wonderful in so many ways. I just want him to stop trying so hard with me while producing the opposite effect!

What do you all wise people advise? Should I say something? Just wait it out until he feels more settled with me and stops this nonsense?

Thanks!

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 18/12/2023 11:34

That sounds very amusing Grin what else does he do?

What was he playing on the piano?

Forgottenmyphone · 18/12/2023 11:37

How long has this been happening for?

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:39
  • Deciding that he wants to play the piano in front of me at 2 am "just to unwind before bed" >>> bullshit, I know he was doing it to show me how great of a pianist he is. I just wanted to sleep!!!
  • Wearing really silly "cool" clothes at home to look like some cool rockstar, like wearing a blazer with nothing underneath and a beanie for morning breakfast in the kitchen >>> he usually wears normal clothes and I know he was trying to look cool for me.
  • Looking at me with a silly, forced loved-up face and then pretending to realize and shaking it off to look serious again >>> I know he is doing it just as a performance to show me how much he likes me, it is not a spontaneous thing at all!

Sounds like it could be narcissism to me!

Cares more about showing off than letting you sleep.

He's not dressing up to look cool for you, he's doing this to project an image he wants you to believe in.

There are better ways to make someone feel loved than just putting on a silly face which itself means nothing at all. Actors make us believe they are in love, but of course there's nothing behind it.

You are in early days here, just watch him carefully. The fact you have been friends for a while may not mean much, he feels he has you on his hook now.

I could be way off, but if you see any red flags please post them here and don't go sleepwalking into a bad relationship.

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 11:40

tescocreditcard · 18/12/2023 11:34

That sounds very amusing Grin what else does he do?

What was he playing on the piano?

He is actually a great pianist so it was a lovely piece, and I would have enjoyed it in a different situation!! I just can't stand the "trying hard-ness" of it all.

The rest of the stuff he does is much less annoying and actually quite cute, like he talks a lot about his feelings for me, how wonderful he thinks I am, compliments me a lot, etc etc. All lovely stuff.

OP posts:
easylikeasundaymorn · 18/12/2023 11:40

The last one gave me the ick so bad 😂
But surely you just gently tease him or ignore him when he does these stupid things?

E.g. "I'm just going to play the piano to unwind" "What? That's really weird at 2am and will piss the neighbours off, don't be a twat." Or just "um...OK but I'm going to bed. Have fun."
Clothes "what the fuck are you wearing, you look like a muppet! Put a t shirt on weirdo I don't want to see random nipples peeping out over my cornflakes!"
Weird facial expression "are you okay? Do you need the toilet?"

If you don't encourage it surely he will realise its not getting the effect he wants and just stop and act normally. You can really over encourage him when he does a NORMAL romantic action like getting you flowers/ de-icing your car if you want to encourage him to more useful performative!

Otherwise if you sit there cringing as he plays the piano but SAY "Wow that was lovely!" He's obviously going to think you like it!

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:40

but God I find this stuff so off-putting.

Don't be afraid of feeling put-off. Why shouldn't you be put-off?

We must stop talking ourselves out of our feelings!

PeacefulPottering · 18/12/2023 11:41

Being an annoying twat is a fundamental ick I don't think I could get over, particularly in the early days when everything that they do is normally wonderful.
It's concerning you think it's just a phase and he will stop somehow being his annoying self.
Perhaps he is putting on a performance for you because he likes you so much, but that's not guaranteed. He may just be annoying.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 11:41

E.g. "I'm just going to play the piano to unwind" "What? That's really weird at 2am and will piss the neighbours off, don't be a twat." Or just "um...OK but I'm going to bed. Have fun."
Clothes "what the fuck are you wearing, you look like a muppet! Put a t shirt on weirdo I don't want to see random nipples peeping out over my cornflakes!"
Weird facial expression "are you okay? Do you need the toilet?"

😂

Outliers · 18/12/2023 11:42

Sounds like you just don't fancy him as much as you'd like to.

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 11:42

Forgottenmyphone · 18/12/2023 11:37

How long has this been happening for?

Well, we started dating 2 months ago and I would say since the nature of our relationship changed he started again with the silly performances. It is like he feels like he has to "win me over" again, which he doesn't have to because I know and like him already for who he is!!

OP posts:
Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 11:44

Outliers · 18/12/2023 11:42

Sounds like you just don't fancy him as much as you'd like to.

But I do when he is his "normal" self!! I just can't stand the performance.

OP posts:
Velvian · 18/12/2023 11:45

That sounds awful. I don't know why, but I find the blazer and the beanie the worst. He sounds completely self obsessed.

Is the snapping out of the loves struck look done in a jokey way? That would be OK. I fear it is not though.

tobee · 18/12/2023 11:53

He sounds pretty immature sadly

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2023 11:54

So tell him to stop behaving like a knob🤷‍♀️

therealcookiemonster · 18/12/2023 11:56

any man who wore a beanie at home trying to look cool or a blazer with no top underneath in any location would be kicked out of my life so fast, he would break the sound barrier. eww

RedHelenB · 18/12/2023 11:57

It'll wear off in time.

overthinkersanonnymus · 18/12/2023 12:00

He sounds like an absolute irritant.

My DP has a friend like this and I just have no time for it whatsoever. The showing off etc will only get bigger and grate on you even more.

Bin him

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 18/12/2023 12:00

Just tell him.

Tell him it's ridiculous.

Tell him that being a try-hard gives you the ick.
If he gives you the sad-kitten-face, tell him you want a relationship with a grown up, and to knock it off.

Just be honest with him.

Izit · 18/12/2023 12:01

He sounds immature

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 12:04

OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 11:40

He is actually a great pianist so it was a lovely piece, and I would have enjoyed it in a different situation!! I just can't stand the "trying hard-ness" of it all.

The rest of the stuff he does is much less annoying and actually quite cute, like he talks a lot about his feelings for me, how wonderful he thinks I am, compliments me a lot, etc etc. All lovely stuff.

Show quote history

I know I will sound like a miserable cow, but this sounds a bit love-bomby to me.

It's because I'm quite old and have been through stuff like this before, sadly.

It doesn't mean that's the case here, I am just ready stuff on a screen and obviously don't know either of you.

Enjoy this new relationship, but just keep your eyes and ears open.

closingdownsale · 18/12/2023 12:04

Do you actually like/fancy him? I think these things could be cute too the right person, but they're just not your thing

Hibernatalie · 18/12/2023 12:04

Completely ignore the annoying behaviour and, when he is being normal, give him lots of love. Then he'll become more secure and drop the bullshit, like he did in a friendship way.

This does sound funny though and I want more examples.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 12:05
  • Deciding that he wants to play the piano in front of me at 2 am "just to unwind before bed" I just wanted to sleep!!!

Did you tell him you wanted to sleep? What did he say/do?

1982mommaof4 · 18/12/2023 12:06

tescocreditcard · 18/12/2023 11:34

That sounds very amusing Grin what else does he do?

What was he playing on the piano?

😂

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 12:10

closingdownsale · 18/12/2023 12:04

Do you actually like/fancy him? I think these things could be cute too the right person, but they're just not your thing

I very much do! Unfortunately, I am a very no-nonsense, pragmatic, and frankly a bit unromantic person, therefore I am definitely not the right audience for this stuff. And he knows this because he knows me!!

However I don't think he engages in these behaviors consciously, I think he is driven by his insecurity and therefore he doesn't stop to think "Will OliviaLallie like this?" because if he did he'd have his answer!!!

OP posts: