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Original poster

New boyfriend's performative love drives me mad

141 replies

OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 11:32

Long time poster on this board but NCed to protect privacy. I know I might be the unreasonable one here and I am open to tough criticism if that is the case :)

A couple of months ago I started dating a man I had been close friends with for over 2 years. Our feelings grew slowly but steadily for the last year until we finally got together in October. We know each other very well, so I believe that our feelings are based on mutual respect and trust rather than just lust or superficial infatuation. We are both mid-30s and I had been single for 4 years before him, so I am well aware that this type of connection is rare. He is wonderful with me, he is crazy about me, super attentive, and caring.

Since I know him so well as a friend, I know that despite his many qualities and talents he is an insecure person. When we first met as friends I initially I thought he was a show-off, always trying to look cool or smart in a way that I found forced and off-putting. Over time, as he got more comfortable with me and our friend group, this behavior stopped, he relaxed and I was able to appreciate him for the wonderful, talented man that he is.

The trouble is that now he is doing it again, this time romantic edition!!!

Examples of this behavior include:

  • Deciding that he wants to play the piano in front of me at 2 am "just to unwind before bed" >>> bullshit, I know he was doing it to show me how great of a pianist he is. I just wanted to sleep!!!
  • Wearing really silly "cool" clothes at home to look like some cool rockstar, like wearing a blazer with nothing underneath and a beanie for morning breakfast in the kitchen >>> he usually wears normal clothes and I know he was trying to look cool for me.
  • Looking at me with a silly, forced loved-up face and then pretending to realize and shaking it off to look serious again >>> I know he is doing it just as a performance to show me how much he likes me, it is not a spontaneous thing at all!
I appreciate all the behaviors are benign and the bottom line is that he likes me and wants to show it, but God I find this stuff so off-putting. Because I know him so well I can see right through him and I know when he is just doing something to look cool or show off. I find this stuff so childish.

I don't want to control him or change who he is. I cherish our relationship which is wonderful in so many ways. I just want him to stop trying so hard with me while producing the opposite effect!

What do you all wise people advise? Should I say something? Just wait it out until he feels more settled with me and stops this nonsense?

Thanks!

OP posts:
NaughtybutNice77 · 18/12/2023 13:30

tescocreditcard · 18/12/2023 11:34

That sounds very amusing Grin what else does he do?

What was he playing on the piano?

Bet your neighbours love him.

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 13:31

Opentooffers · 18/12/2023 13:26

After knowing him for a couple of years, you should be able to tell him that his tactics are ott and not effective.
So if he's wearing crazy gear for breakfast, maybe some ribbing about it wouldn't go amiss. See his reaction to it, hopefully he will take what you say on board, but if he looks hurt by it, perhaps his fears and need to impress are deep rooted, in which case suggest counselling maybe?
Start with "are we expecting someone else for breakfast too? You don't need to impress me, as you're lovely as you are".
He will likely carry on if you don't challenge him every time he's being daft. If you feel you can't say anything and are just putt6up with it (while developing an ick) ask yourself why you feel you can't be honest with someone you have a deep connection with.

To be fair after a few minutes I did look at him wearing the blazer and said "eemmm are you really wearing that for breakfast?" after which he got the message and changed into a jumper.

OP posts:
Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 13:31

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 13:25

How old are you both, OP?

Mid 30s professionals, no kids

OP posts:
Daisies12 · 18/12/2023 13:32

That sounds insanely annoying. I couldn't cope with that

AngelinaFibres · 18/12/2023 13:33

The ick rarely goes away once it's there. I am in a walking group. All of us around 50 years old. We have a new male member who started off with a lot of people pleasing behaviour ( offering to carry the jumpers, coats etc of everyone. Bringing extra water bottles. We're all capable of doing this for ourselves and it's definitely not something that occurred before he joined). He has started seeing one of the female group members. The performative lurve that is going on now is repulsive. Its a social group not a singles group. We don't break off into twos to have a little snog whilst the sun sets. We don't tend to lick each others faces whilst in the queue for the bar. I find him creepy as hell. Its all very ' look at me' look at meeeeeee. He will move other people's chairs so that he can sit by her and gaze at her like a 15 year old with his first girlfriend. It feels forced abd massively fake.

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 13:34

Bristolnewcomer · 18/12/2023 13:19

This is hilarious. Any more examples?

Really though I would choose a relaxed moment e.g. over a glass of wine and just say "Look Dennis, I really like you but I sometimes feel like you think you have to try hard to impress me. Please just relax, I don't need you posing in a blazer or playing the piano at 2am, you wouldn't have done any of this before we started sleeping together and I'd rather you just chilled out and came to bed. I know you too well to want or expect this kind of thing and I kind of miss the "real" you."

Or something less cringey to that effect!

Another example that rubs the wrong way is that he often wishes me good morning in the very abstruse exotic language he is fluent in (think along the lines of Vietnamese), which I do not speak myself.

He is mega-talented with languages and fully fluent in 6 or 7, but again just stop with the show off please!!

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 18/12/2023 13:34

therealcookiemonster · 18/12/2023 11:56

any man who wore a beanie at home trying to look cool or a blazer with no top underneath in any location would be kicked out of my life so fast, he would break the sound barrier. eww

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Catpuss66 · 18/12/2023 13:34

OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 11:42

Well, we started dating 2 months ago and I would say since the nature of our relationship changed he started again with the silly performances. It is like he feels like he has to "win me over" again, which he doesn't have to because I know and like him already for who he is!!

Show quote history

Tell him exactly this

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 13:35

AngelinaFibres · 18/12/2023 13:33

The ick rarely goes away once it's there. I am in a walking group. All of us around 50 years old. We have a new male member who started off with a lot of people pleasing behaviour ( offering to carry the jumpers, coats etc of everyone. Bringing extra water bottles. We're all capable of doing this for ourselves and it's definitely not something that occurred before he joined). He has started seeing one of the female group members. The performative lurve that is going on now is repulsive. Its a social group not a singles group. We don't break off into twos to have a little snog whilst the sun sets. We don't tend to lick each others faces whilst in the queue for the bar. I find him creepy as hell. Its all very ' look at me' look at meeeeeee. He will move other people's chairs so that he can sit by her and gaze at her like a 15 year old with his first girlfriend. It feels forced abd massively fake.

He can also be an over-the-top people pleaser when he feels insecure, although I haven't seen that side of him in a while.

OP posts:
MorganaSosa · 18/12/2023 13:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Bristolnewcomer · 18/12/2023 13:39

The language thing would piss me off no end!!! In fact my husband VERY OCCASIONALLY says things in a language he knows full well I don't speak (and before anyone jumps on me, it's not his first language either, he learnt it a bit at school) and I just stare at him and say "why are you saying things in a language you know I don't speak?"

That's why he only does it about twice a year now when he forgets. Good morning in Vietnamese (for example) wouldn't be happening repeatedly!!

God girl you need to either tell him or just break up with him. It's like he's trying to accumulate ick points until he wins the game of being dumped.

Rollergirl11 · 18/12/2023 13:39

He sounds like Colin Hunt from The Fast Show! 😂

The Fast Show - Colin Hunt 2

The Fast Show - Colin Hunt's office trolley

https://youtu.be/-rj1SFtxRTg

bonzaitree · 18/12/2023 13:40

My reading of this is you have tried to turn a friendship into a relationship and it’s not working out for you.

Id say to him once that you don’t like it when he tries to impress you- he doesn’t have to and you prefer it when he is more relaxed.

If he doesn’t get the message then end the relationship! This should be the honeymoon phase where you can barely walk from shagging- if it’s not right now it never will be.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 13:41

if it’s not right now it never will be

This is all you need to know.

Dynamoat · 18/12/2023 13:42

He sounds like the kind of man who considered himself the class clown at school

caringcarer · 18/12/2023 13:44

I couldn't be arsed with making a noise when I wanted to sleep.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 13:46

OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 13:31

Mid 30s professionals, no kids

Show quote history

WHOOOAHHH!

Mid-THIRTIES???

That rings alarm bells for me.

16 years old, maybe not so bad, but heading towards 40 years old?!

Vuurhoutjies · 18/12/2023 13:47

So when he's speaking to you in Vietnamese, or Klingon or whatever it is, why don't you just say, "please stop. I don't speak Vietnamese/Klingon and you know that."

I don't think he's trying to impress. It sounds tome like he wants to be the centre of attention and he wants you to think he's super fabulous and better than you.

the more you post the more icky he sounds and the more weird I find it that you aren't telling him to stop.

BigDahliaFan · 18/12/2023 13:47

Yeah, he's a twat.

TellingBone · 18/12/2023 13:48

Trying to compensate for his feelings of inadequacy. It's a bit tragic.

But why aren't we addressing the main issue here? Who the fuck thinks, 'I know. I'll get a piano and put it in my BEDROOM. [That'll impress the laydeez.]'

Seaweed42 · 18/12/2023 13:51

I'm not sure about this relationship.

I think this guy might not be as into this relationship as he makes out.

I think when he feels he's not sure about the relationship, he starts this 'clowning' to mask his feelings.
Maybe it's himself he's trying to win over.

The man doth protest too much, methinks.

You need to trust your gut and ask yourself do you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting for it to feel right?

SequentialAnalyst · 18/12/2023 13:53

I think he is shy. Yes, honestly. And perhaps (unecessarily, I hope) worried about how the sex is going because of insecurity.

I think it will wear off.

I rather liked the image of him in the blazer and beanieBlush Lovely Man was a shy idiot, though a sociable one as well. I can imagine him doing this - but if he did we would both have collapsed with laughter.

Give it a bit longer, it's very early days.

MsMarch · 18/12/2023 13:55

SequentialAnalyst · 18/12/2023 13:53

I think he is shy. Yes, honestly. And perhaps (unecessarily, I hope) worried about how the sex is going because of insecurity.

I think it will wear off.

I rather liked the image of him in the blazer and beanieBlush Lovely Man was a shy idiot, though a sociable one as well. I can imagine him doing this - but if he did we would both have collapsed with laughter.

Give it a bit longer, it's very early days.

This mindset is so weird to me. It's early days in a relationship and she's already finding him irritating and frustrating. It's supposed to be fun and easy at this point. Not hard work.

LightToTheWorld · 18/12/2023 13:58

I’m guessing he had an ex who enjoyed all this stuff and so he’s trying it on you.

It sounds as if you’re caught in a cycle- he can sense you’re going off him so is trying harder but unfortunately at the very stuff that’s putting you off him.

If you can be bothered, break the cycle
by being really clear with him. If it’s worked in the past it’s going to take more than hints to get him to understand that it’s not working this time.

Also you are allowed just to go off him. Women are conditioned into thinking we have to make things ok for everyone and here that seems to be taking the form of you making him feel ok about his intrinsically embarrassing behaviour by pretending not to hate it, so that he’s not embarrassed. But you don’t have to do that.

Notsurehwhattdo · 18/12/2023 13:59

I think many, many threads could be quickly and easily wrapped up with the reply, just communicate with your partner.

Swipe left for the next trending thread