New boyfriend's performative love drives me mad

[OliviaLallie]

Long time poster on this board but NCed to protect privacy. I know I might be the unreasonable one here and I am open to tough criticism if that is the case :)

A couple of months ago I started dating a man I had been close friends with for over 2 years. Our feelings grew slowly but steadily for the last year until we finally got together in October. We know each other very well, so I believe that our feelings are based on mutual respect and trust rather than just lust or superficial infatuation. We are both mid-30s and I had been single for 4 years before him, so I am well aware that this type of connection is rare. He is wonderful with me, he is crazy about me, super attentive, and caring.

Since I know him so well as a friend, I know that despite his many qualities and talents he is an insecure person. When we first met as friends I initially I thought he was a show-off, always trying to look cool or smart in a way that I found forced and off-putting. Over time, as he got more comfortable with me and our friend group, this behavior stopped, he relaxed and I was able to appreciate him for the wonderful, talented man that he is.

The trouble is that now he is doing it again, this time romantic edition!!!

Examples of this behavior include:

• Deciding that he wants to play the piano in front of me at 2 am "just to unwind before bed" >>> bullshit, I know he was doing it to show me how great of a pianist he is. I just wanted to sleep!!!
• Wearing really silly "cool" clothes at home to look like some cool rockstar, like wearing a blazer with nothing underneath and a beanie for morning breakfast in the kitchen >>> he usually wears normal clothes and I know he was trying to look cool for me.
• Looking at me with a silly, forced loved-up face and then pretending to realize and shaking it off to look serious again >>> I know he is doing it just as a performance to show me how much he likes me, it is not a spontaneous thing at all!

I appreciate all the behaviors are benign and the bottom line is that he likes me and wants to show it, but God I find this stuff so off-putting. Because I know him so well I can see right through him and I know when he is just doing something to look cool or show off. I find this stuff so childish.

I don't want to control him or change who he is. I cherish our relationship which is wonderful in so many ways. I just want him to stop trying so hard with me while producing the opposite effect!

What do you all wise people advise? Should I say something? Just wait it out until he feels more settled with me and stops this nonsense?

Thanks!

I think it sounds funny but I like quirkiness and people who are a bit unique and do weird stuff 😂

You have analysed this and decided on insecurity, are you sure it's that? Maybe you're getting it wrong.

Of course that doesn't mean you have to enjoy it either as obviously we're not all suited to everyone, and I can see how it would give you the ick if it actually is performative love as opposed to trying to make you laugh.

He sounds like an annoying piece of shit tbh, I couldn’t be arsed with it. I work with a guy like this. He thinks he’s superior in some way because he only likes jazz/blues music and of course, only when played on vinyl. I call him Howard Moon. He also thinks he’s superior because his expertise are classic literature whereas the rest of our department cover either Victorian literature or modernist/postmodernist so he’s the only ‘classics’ guy and he gets off on it. He irrationally irritates me and I can completely picture him doing the early morning piano playing to show off…

I’d have the ick if I were you and couldn’t go on.

Yeah this is exactly the excuses a very attention seeking guy I knew would use "I'm doing it because im insecure because I like you so much!"

OR he could just be attention seeking, vain, annoying ... and he's making excuses he thinks you'll like to hear.

No one on here will know for sure as we haven't met him - but tell him you don't like it and see if it continues. If he still does it, knowing it's making you like him less, then you have your answer

I'm sorry but this has made me laugh.

Bless him. He's either a massive narcissistic plonker or very deeply in love with you. Difficult to call to be fair. But good luck trying to work it out and keep us up to speed!

He sounds like he is fishing for compliments and admiration and is trying to model behaviour.

Are you soppy and demonstrative or are you a bit buttoned up and unmoved?

He seems to want a relationship full of cooing, flirting and gushing. If he isn’t getting it back he’ll probably do more to try and encourage you, which will piss you off.

Give him lots of affection and compliments when he is being natural and act like you haven’t noticed if he is trying too hard.

Why don't you just tell him OP like you have told us here? Either that or wait for it to wear off but that could be long or never I suppose.

Is he inexperienced with women? It sounds like he’s doing what he sees other ‘loved up’ med doing in movies and thinks this is how he’s supposed to behave.

It may be immaturity or it may be covert narcissism. Run if you notice that he needs to feel adored and appreciated for his ‘performances’. Theatrics like that are not a good sign.

I’d have slammed the lid down on his fingers if he’d started playing the piano to me at 2am! …..eejit.

Trying too hard is a massive turn off - you need to tell him.

We all know most men are just large children wearing an adult costume. So yours is a silly child. I'd take silly over dickwad any day. You said he dropped it the first time after he became comfortable, so likely he'll drop this bit too. Honestly I would tease him about it, humor has a way of breaking the ice. I make fun of myself too, so not being mean, I just find that humor makes life a lot more tolerable and it might make him take himself less seriously and chill out.

My teens calls this 'main character syndrome'

I am laughing a lot at the beanie, no shirt and blazer.
The absolute impracticality and stupidness of wearing outdoor & formal clothes over shirtless in a huge effort to look effortlessly cool - the only way this relationship could last is if you could take the piss lovingly and he was able to laugh at himself

I'd say you need to keep dating him and reporting back to us on what else he'll do. 😁

Seriously though, it sounds like he trying to manufacture romance, rather than letting it flow naturally. It sounds quite calculated, which doesn't mean that it automatically comes from bad intentions, but the way you've described it, it's is almost like someone who lives their life as if they have a 3rd eye on themselves, all the time. I read an interview with Tim Minchin (Guardian I think) which mentions exactly that a while ago.

Wearing really silly "cool" clothes at home to look like some cool rockstar, like wearing a blazer with nothing underneath and a beanie for morning breakfast in the kitchen

It's almost like your partner thinks your relationship is a series of scenes, where he is the writer, creative director and the star, and he's playing them out for you in real time.

Most women would be turned off by this enough to dump someone pretty sharpish. Sounds cringey and tedious.

In fairness, we should all be the main characters in our own lives, while acknowledging that other people are also their own ‘main characters’.

(My godson refers to his housemates as ‘the NPCs’ as he claims they do nothing but scroll through their phones and watch tv.)

It’s also perfectly possible to be the main character while wearing a shirt and not forcing someone to listen to your performance of ‘Für Elise’ at 2 am. Mind you.

Yes, train that puppy!