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Original poster

New boyfriend's performative love drives me mad

141 replies

OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 11:32

Long time poster on this board but NCed to protect privacy. I know I might be the unreasonable one here and I am open to tough criticism if that is the case :)

A couple of months ago I started dating a man I had been close friends with for over 2 years. Our feelings grew slowly but steadily for the last year until we finally got together in October. We know each other very well, so I believe that our feelings are based on mutual respect and trust rather than just lust or superficial infatuation. We are both mid-30s and I had been single for 4 years before him, so I am well aware that this type of connection is rare. He is wonderful with me, he is crazy about me, super attentive, and caring.

Since I know him so well as a friend, I know that despite his many qualities and talents he is an insecure person. When we first met as friends I initially I thought he was a show-off, always trying to look cool or smart in a way that I found forced and off-putting. Over time, as he got more comfortable with me and our friend group, this behavior stopped, he relaxed and I was able to appreciate him for the wonderful, talented man that he is.

The trouble is that now he is doing it again, this time romantic edition!!!

Examples of this behavior include:

  • Deciding that he wants to play the piano in front of me at 2 am "just to unwind before bed" >>> bullshit, I know he was doing it to show me how great of a pianist he is. I just wanted to sleep!!!
  • Wearing really silly "cool" clothes at home to look like some cool rockstar, like wearing a blazer with nothing underneath and a beanie for morning breakfast in the kitchen >>> he usually wears normal clothes and I know he was trying to look cool for me.
  • Looking at me with a silly, forced loved-up face and then pretending to realize and shaking it off to look serious again >>> I know he is doing it just as a performance to show me how much he likes me, it is not a spontaneous thing at all!
I appreciate all the behaviors are benign and the bottom line is that he likes me and wants to show it, but God I find this stuff so off-putting. Because I know him so well I can see right through him and I know when he is just doing something to look cool or show off. I find this stuff so childish.

I don't want to control him or change who he is. I cherish our relationship which is wonderful in so many ways. I just want him to stop trying so hard with me while producing the opposite effect!

What do you all wise people advise? Should I say something? Just wait it out until he feels more settled with me and stops this nonsense?

Thanks!

OP posts:
jay55 · 18/12/2023 14:04

He sounds like he's 12.
The mooning about and playing at being a romantic is so cringe.

He'll be breaking out the poetry next.

WimbyAce · 18/12/2023 14:10

It sounds really irritating to me. And if it's the same for you where you don't find it funny I can't see how it's going to work out.

ValerieDoonican · 18/12/2023 14:13

I wonder why he DOESN'T stop to think would you like this? That's what most people do when they are trying to please. Doesn't sound like your thoughts and feelings are being factored in at all during these performances.

Good point.

Findingmypurposeinlife · 18/12/2023 14:15

barbarahunter · 18/12/2023 12:30

Hmm, bit insulting to younger women to suggest they would find him amazing for doing that stuff.

I'm not talking about all younger women (just the one/s he may be used to dating)
The details shared about him so far, indicate that he is not used to being in a mature relationship with someone like OP (Who doesnt need him or his surroundings to impress her - just simply likes him for who he is)
And I also get the impression he feels he is 'punching' and just doesn't know how to handle it right now.

HardcoreLadyType · 18/12/2023 14:15

I have a feeling that his insecurities are going to start wearing you down.

Barmecide · 18/12/2023 14:17

ValerieDoonican · 18/12/2023 14:13

I wonder why he DOESN'T stop to think would you like this? That's what most people do when they are trying to please. Doesn't sound like your thoughts and feelings are being factored in at all during these performances.

Good point.

Exactly this.

bonzaitree · 18/12/2023 14:19

Notsurehwhattdo · 18/12/2023 13:59

I think many, many threads could be quickly and easily wrapped up with the reply, just communicate with your partner.

But it’s hard to know what exactly to say in this case. The OP may just want to get some opinions or sound off. Writing on this board isn’t just to solve a problem

Ceebeegee · 18/12/2023 14:27

Ewww . Second hand ick lol

MsCactus · 18/12/2023 14:27

I knew a guy like this - I thought it was all linked to insecurity and he needed reassuring/felt sorry for him.

Turns out he was a narcissist and everything he was doing was entirely for attention. They were very similar "show off" behaviours like you're describing here.

Watch him as you get to know him - it's so tempting to think he's doing this because he adores you and is insecure, but he might just be attention seeking

startquitting · 18/12/2023 14:29

therealcookiemonster · 18/12/2023 11:56

any man who wore a beanie at home trying to look cool or a blazer with no top underneath in any location would be kicked out of my life so fast, he would break the sound barrier. eww

Haha this!

beAsensible1 · 18/12/2023 14:30

have you tried talking to him about it?

Or just asking, why are you being weird? its not normal to wear a blazer and beanie in the house unless its 4am at an afterparty?

make joke of it, but just approach it head on.

TeaGinandFags · 18/12/2023 14:33

If he's doing this stuff because of deep seated issues he needs a doctor and you are not his doctor.

The early part of any relationship is when both parties are on their best behaviour. It is not unreasonable to assume that showing off is his normal behaviour; that of an annoying attention seeking twat.

He is NOT trying to impress you. He's enjoying getting you riled. If you don't enjoy his antics tell him to stop. When he says he does it for you tell him to choose better times and issue a final warning. He on9ws yhst you are dmotionally committed to him and will happily drive you to the brink.

Namechange666 · 18/12/2023 14:34

Just tell him if he ever wants to use his willy with you again, he'd better stop.

I'm sure that will nip it in the bud.

😁

startquitting · 18/12/2023 14:39

I BET he’s done the beanie wearing and blazer with no top underneath in precious relationships!

pillof · 18/12/2023 14:41

Maybe this is who he really is? You say you are quite pragmatic and unromantic. Did he pretend to be the same, to win you over? And now he's simply showing his real self again?

It all sounds almost slapstick. But you're not laughing. So the effect is a little pathetic.

I would bloody hate all of it, it sounds like the drama kids at school desperate for attention.

momonpurpose · 18/12/2023 14:47

I got the ick just reading this.

tribpot · 18/12/2023 14:50

Are you not tempted to give it the full 'GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM' in the morning?

This is not a test, this is rock'n'roll.

PrinceHaz · 18/12/2023 14:52

He sounds like the male version of a character Delaney Rowe plays in TikTok - excruciating person who thinks people are mad about her.
Everything you describe would give me the ‘ick’.

NaughtybutNice77 · 18/12/2023 14:55

I do think if you have found a pretty good package it's worth investing in a bit of 'training', but it depends how much patience you have and if you'll find it all a bit 'ick'.
At the first sign of tatty behavior disengage. Don't be mean, just walk off or ignore. On the flip side 'reward' positive behavior eg 'thank you for driving' 'You're a good listener'. Maybe share some of your own insecurities too but in a positive way eg 'I know I have a bit of a tummy and my hairs a mess, but it's such a great feeling to be with someone who sees beyond that' or 'Usually when I'm with a guy I feel the need to impress but with us it's different"
He had a bit of a dodgy start with your friendship group but redeemed himself enough for you to sleep with him! I think he's worth a bit of input.

Todaysproblem · 18/12/2023 14:57

I’m sorry, I had a great giggle at all that. Don’t say anything to him, just use this post as a personal diary and keep us posted with his hilarious shenanigans.❤️

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 15:07

Findingmypurposeinlife · 18/12/2023 14:15

I'm not talking about all younger women (just the one/s he may be used to dating)
The details shared about him so far, indicate that he is not used to being in a mature relationship with someone like OP (Who doesnt need him or his surroundings to impress her - just simply likes him for who he is)
And I also get the impression he feels he is 'punching' and just doesn't know how to handle it right now.

Edited
Show quote history

Think he definitely feels like he is punching and that exacerbates this tendency. He really isn't, as he is so great in so many ways, but he can be his own worst enemy.

OP posts:
BusyMummyWrites · 18/12/2023 15:08

OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 12:10

I very much do! Unfortunately, I am a very no-nonsense, pragmatic, and frankly a bit unromantic person, therefore I am definitely not the right audience for this stuff. And he knows this because he knows me!!

However I don't think he engages in these behaviors consciously, I think he is driven by his insecurity and therefore he doesn't stop to think "Will OliviaLallie like this?" because if he did he'd have his answer!!!

Show quote history

I think you need to say this to him - tell him you really like him, but that he should know by now that extravagant displays make you uncomfortable. However, if he has known you for as long as you say, he should really have cued himself into this already, so the fact that he a) doesn’t really seem to know you at all and/or b) doesn’t actually care what you feel because he is only looking for you to reflect an idea of himself back would suggest that, as much as you fancy him, he’s an insecure narcissist (per the clinical definition). I would also ask myself, if I were you, which ‘him’ is the performance? It may be the quiet, toned-down version that you feel you are falling for is the mirage. Men who are coercive controllers do this - lure women in with one version of themselves, a version their friends see, and then reveal their true self in private. TBH, I think he may actually need some therapy and you should move on. Plenty of fanciable men out there without his issues.

taylorswift1989 · 18/12/2023 15:25

Reading between the lines: He is a vain, insecure, narcissist who requires an endless supply of attention and admiration. He will drain you of your inner resources and leave you an empty shell of the person you once were. All you can do is leave.

But you probably won't. So maybe consider this: you can't change people. You can't tell people what to wear or how to speak. If you don't like what he wears or how he speaks, then you don't like him. It's extremely controlling to tell someone what they can wear and how they can speak. So if you stay with him, you have to accept these things about him. Or you're the one waving red flags.

DancesWithDucks · 18/12/2023 15:27

Notsurehwhattdo · 18/12/2023 13:59

I think many, many threads could be quickly and easily wrapped up with the reply, just communicate with your partner.

This!

and a pp said He's probably just falling into old relationship habits where he's been insecure in the past and trying to portray a 'perfect' image of what he (wrongly) thinks you want a partner to be like.

My absolutely lovely partner had a tendency at first to clown around (he really was a clown/acrobat in a past life) to make me laugh. It was okay a few times then got old. Once I'd asked him to tone it down a bit he did - he is shy and used to clown a bit to cover it up. If your partner is the same, he might be doing it to please you and simply asking him to chill might help.

Just talk to him!

tribpot · 18/12/2023 15:41

Think he definitely feels like he is punching and that exacerbates this tendency.

Or this is the excuse he or you are using for his behaviour.

It's a tough call because you've seen this behaviour calm down as he got more relaxed in the friend group, thus logically it should calm down again as he gets more relaxed in the relationship as well. But what if it doesn't? I think you really need to address this with him because if you don't now, and it's still going on in six months' time, what are you going to say? Sorry I tolerated your Instagrammy-attention-seeking behaviour for so long but I cannot stand it any longer.