New boyfriend's performative love drives me mad

[OliviaLallie]

Long time poster on this board but NCed to protect privacy. I know I might be the unreasonable one here and I am open to tough criticism if that is the case :)

A couple of months ago I started dating a man I had been close friends with for over 2 years. Our feelings grew slowly but steadily for the last year until we finally got together in October. We know each other very well, so I believe that our feelings are based on mutual respect and trust rather than just lust or superficial infatuation. We are both mid-30s and I had been single for 4 years before him, so I am well aware that this type of connection is rare. He is wonderful with me, he is crazy about me, super attentive, and caring.

Since I know him so well as a friend, I know that despite his many qualities and talents he is an insecure person. When we first met as friends I initially I thought he was a show-off, always trying to look cool or smart in a way that I found forced and off-putting. Over time, as he got more comfortable with me and our friend group, this behavior stopped, he relaxed and I was able to appreciate him for the wonderful, talented man that he is.

The trouble is that now he is doing it again, this time romantic edition!!!

Examples of this behavior include:

• Deciding that he wants to play the piano in front of me at 2 am "just to unwind before bed" >>> bullshit, I know he was doing it to show me how great of a pianist he is. I just wanted to sleep!!!
• Wearing really silly "cool" clothes at home to look like some cool rockstar, like wearing a blazer with nothing underneath and a beanie for morning breakfast in the kitchen >>> he usually wears normal clothes and I know he was trying to look cool for me.
• Looking at me with a silly, forced loved-up face and then pretending to realize and shaking it off to look serious again >>> I know he is doing it just as a performance to show me how much he likes me, it is not a spontaneous thing at all!

I appreciate all the behaviors are benign and the bottom line is that he likes me and wants to show it, but God I find this stuff so off-putting. Because I know him so well I can see right through him and I know when he is just doing something to look cool or show off. I find this stuff so childish.

I don't want to control him or change who he is. I cherish our relationship which is wonderful in so many ways. I just want him to stop trying so hard with me while producing the opposite effect!

What do you all wise people advise? Should I say something? Just wait it out until he feels more settled with me and stops this nonsense?

Thanks!

As you obviously care about his feelings I think you need to find a humorous way to let him know you see through this insecurity, and you prefer him when he’s not showing off (because that’s what it is really).

You can tell him this and he will probably understand but might still switch into this behaviour because it is so ingrained.

So you could say things like ‘I didn’t know you had signed up for AmDram, when’s the show?’ or ‘are we on the Truman Show?’ and start looking around around for the cameras.

A male friend of mine had a habit of bigging up and telling us his To Do List like it was the most important thing ever in the history of the planet. His friends got into the habit of then saying at the end of his (not) very important list “and then you’re going to save the world!”

He always took it well and it made him remember everyone has a running to do list in their head all the time and he wasn’t any different.

You need to let your BF know because over time this could turn into giving you the ick.

Like PPs have said, you need to tell him when he's being a trytoohard...

Piano playing: Yes dear that's lovely, you are a wonderful penis, eh pianist, but it's 2am. Shut the fuck up.

Face gurning: Are you okay? Should I dial 999? Are you in pain?

Blazer no T: Darling, that may look cool in LA but we're in Wigan and you look like a cock.

Beanie (this one doesn't bother me too much cos I'm always freezing): Take that hat off, it's most ungentlemanly to wear headwear inside.

These are some hard icks from me. Wtf is the blazer about?! 😂

Socially awkward, slightly unhinged love-bomber.

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole but to each their own.

If you've been friends for a long time why don't you just ask him what he's doing and tell him to stop acting like a tit 🤣?

Remind him that you know him well enough to know he doesn't dress like a wannabe rock start for breakfast and that you don't need to be serenaded by the piano at 2am. (I don't know why but I'm picturing Tom Cruise as Stacey Jaxx 🤣).

He's probably just falling into old relationship habits where he's been insecure in the past and trying to portray a 'perfect' image of what he (wrongly) thinks you want a partner to be like.

He needs reminding that you already know him well and you are with him for who he is.

If after that, he's still acting up and showing off, maybe the 2 of you aren't compatible as a couple. But until you tell him you're finding it all very weird and would appreciate him just to relax a bit more and be himself, he won't necessarily know that it is bothering you. Just be honest with him.

I appreciate piano music. I own a piano. I play the piano.

But if someone is playing the piano at 2am while I'm trying to sleep? The lid is coming down on their fingers. Hard.

No time for shit like that.

Personally I think he's doing these things because he knows they piss you off so that when you do react he can play the victim. "But I was only trying to love you!" Argh. Just no. Show you love me by letting me sleep! Dick.

Well, I agree with a PP that this is a bit narcissistic. People love to portray narcissistic as clever, manipulative people but really, the core thing is deep insecurity that they cover with a mask of fabulousness. If they aren't very bright, or good at it, they just seem a bit silly.

Best case, it's just a bit of insecurity and you can nip it in the bud but the piano playing is actually the most worrying one. Not just that he was playing for you at 2am when you wanted to sleep... but that for some reason you did not TELL him to stop because you wanted to sleep. That suggests you are already somehow in a mode whereby his needs/wants/desires trump yours. There is no scenario I can imagine where at 2 am, if DH is doing something that disturbs me sleeping that I don't feel 100% comfortable saying, "please stop that."

Omg I was going to post exactly this 🤣🤣

Oh my 😂

Well, they do say there’s someone for everyone. It does sound like he’s playing a part at the moment (Ken is exactly it!) but hopefully he’ll calm down in time. In the meantime, can you take up the glockenspiel and play along with him?

ICK

He thinks he’s in a film. He thinks he’s cute. Excruciating.

As you said he behaved in a similar way whilst first getting to know you and the friend group, due to his insecurities do you think it's possible that this may be a pattern? Although you have known each other as friends for a while now, the relationship between you has now shifted into a much more intimate one and so, again, do you think it just may be his insecurities, nervousness etc that he may just get out of his system, as it were, as he relaxes and the relationship between the two of you progresses?
Personally I'd not enjoy any of that, also not a "romantic" person in that sense and I think I'd just sort of ignore it, without being mean or anything, but just more in a not acknowledging kind of way and then see if it just fades out by itself. Or just whilst chatting perhaps get round to a conversation of what sort of things you like in a relationship - ie steer him towards something else, something more your thing and much less cringey. No idea what, but for example you could mention how much you appreciate practical things, and that you find that kind of behaviour really makes you feel relaxed and cared for. If that makes any sense at all?!
I guess how long you want to wait and see if these types of behaviours just gradually fade away as he becomes more relaxed/gets to know you/what you like in a relationship as opposed to your previous relationship as friends, is up to you and how much you like him, vs these things giving you what some people call the "ick" 😁

It sounds a bit like you really want to like him romantically but sadly he’s giving you the ick

Sounds like hard work to me. I would have the ick by this point tbh.

Probably that behaviour it will fade overtime, fingers crossed on your behalf OP.

Best to be honest.. if you were doing something that irritated him, you'd want him to tell you. Something like...erm..could we stop with the silly faces.

This is hilarious. Any more examples?

Really though I would choose a relaxed moment e.g. over a glass of wine and just say "Look Dennis, I really like you but I sometimes feel like you think you have to try hard to impress me. Please just relax, I don't need you posing in a blazer or playing the piano at 2am, you wouldn't have done any of this before we started sleeping together and I'd rather you just chilled out and came to bed. I know you too well to want or expect this kind of thing and I kind of miss the "real" you."

Or something less cringey to that effect!

Piano playing: Yes dear that's lovely, you are a wonderful penis, eh pianist, but it's 2am. Shut the fuck up.

Face gurning: Are you okay? Should I dial 999? Are you in pain?

Blazer no T: Darling, that may look cool in LA but we're in Wigan and you look like a cock.

Beanie (this one doesn't bother me too much cos I'm always freezing): Take that hat off, it's most ungentlemanly to wear headwear inside.

😂

Sorry OP, but this thread is a scream!

You seem to have a great sense of humour yourself though.

I don't know why it's tickled me so much but I can't stop laughing at the breakfast blazer and beanie.

DH used to do this really weird thing where he'd speak in a fake American, over friendly (almost obsequious) way when he was uncomfortable and in public. So he's always had some weird issues with being served in restaurants etc - he's the kind of guy that in the past would irritate the waiters by trying to be "helpful" and clear the plates but inevitably just got in their way/made them look bad to their managers. So the accent often came up in restaurants or when talking to people delivering a service.

I almost broke up with him over it because it gave me so much ick. And he was NOT doing it on purpose. he wasn't even consciously aware of it. So doing it on purpose would be an absolute deal breaker.

Also, why didn't you just tell him to stop playing piano at 2am? I can't understand that.

Tell him it annoys you! Hopefully he’ll realise you like him how he is and stops being silly. Just be honest and show him that you like him as he is in other ways. Otherwise he won’t stop!

How old are you both, OP?

After knowing him for a couple of years, you should be able to tell him that his tactics are ott and not effective.
So if he's wearing crazy gear for breakfast, maybe some ribbing about it wouldn't go amiss. See his reaction to it, hopefully he will take what you say on board, but if he looks hurt by it, perhaps his fears and need to impress are deep rooted, in which case suggest counselling maybe?
Start with "are we expecting someone else for breakfast too? You don't need to impress me, as you're lovely as you are".
He will likely carry on if you don't challenge him every time he's being daft. If you feel you can't say anything and are just putt6up with it (while developing an ick) ask yourself why you feel you can't be honest with someone you have a deep connection with.

Oh, OP, he’s ghastly, and part of you is telling the rest of you that, you’re just not accepting it.

If he were actually trying to impress you, he would prioritise you sleeping when you’ve said you’re tired and it’s 2 am, AND he would assume you were intelligent enough not to be struck by silly expressions and shirtlessness.

He sounds as if he doesn’t have much respect for or knowledge of you, and is just playing out his usual ‘how to impress women’ repertoire. Fundamentally, it doesn’t matter who’s watching. You’re just the audience.

My brother is very much like this (so I don't see it in the romantic sense obviously!) but it's EXTREMELY annoying. He's basically a nice guy but he adores being centre of attention and will do literally anything to make people look at him. I definitely couldn't put up with it in a partner!

Naked under a blazer, with a beanie hat on for breakfast to look cool for you? What, is he three?