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Original poster

New boyfriend's performative love drives me mad

141 replies

OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 11:32

Long time poster on this board but NCed to protect privacy. I know I might be the unreasonable one here and I am open to tough criticism if that is the case :)

A couple of months ago I started dating a man I had been close friends with for over 2 years. Our feelings grew slowly but steadily for the last year until we finally got together in October. We know each other very well, so I believe that our feelings are based on mutual respect and trust rather than just lust or superficial infatuation. We are both mid-30s and I had been single for 4 years before him, so I am well aware that this type of connection is rare. He is wonderful with me, he is crazy about me, super attentive, and caring.

Since I know him so well as a friend, I know that despite his many qualities and talents he is an insecure person. When we first met as friends I initially I thought he was a show-off, always trying to look cool or smart in a way that I found forced and off-putting. Over time, as he got more comfortable with me and our friend group, this behavior stopped, he relaxed and I was able to appreciate him for the wonderful, talented man that he is.

The trouble is that now he is doing it again, this time romantic edition!!!

Examples of this behavior include:

  • Deciding that he wants to play the piano in front of me at 2 am "just to unwind before bed" >>> bullshit, I know he was doing it to show me how great of a pianist he is. I just wanted to sleep!!!
  • Wearing really silly "cool" clothes at home to look like some cool rockstar, like wearing a blazer with nothing underneath and a beanie for morning breakfast in the kitchen >>> he usually wears normal clothes and I know he was trying to look cool for me.
  • Looking at me with a silly, forced loved-up face and then pretending to realize and shaking it off to look serious again >>> I know he is doing it just as a performance to show me how much he likes me, it is not a spontaneous thing at all!
I appreciate all the behaviors are benign and the bottom line is that he likes me and wants to show it, but God I find this stuff so off-putting. Because I know him so well I can see right through him and I know when he is just doing something to look cool or show off. I find this stuff so childish.

I don't want to control him or change who he is. I cherish our relationship which is wonderful in so many ways. I just want him to stop trying so hard with me while producing the opposite effect!

What do you all wise people advise? Should I say something? Just wait it out until he feels more settled with me and stops this nonsense?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 12:10

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 12:05

  • Deciding that he wants to play the piano in front of me at 2 am "just to unwind before bed" I just wanted to sleep!!!

Did you tell him you wanted to sleep? What did he say/do?

I just went to bed (the piano is his bedroom though) and ignored him. After a few minutes, he stopped and came to bed too.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 12:13

I think you need to take off the blinders because this has disaster written all over it.

You're barely two months into having an intimate relationship with him and you're already annoyed and turned off by his behaviour. It's no surprise because he sounds dreadful, honestly. Self-obsessed, the emotional maturity of a toddler and a very alarming undertone of narcissistic, look-at-me behaviours.

Ick is right.

RichTea63 · 18/12/2023 12:14

Oh god this would put me right off too! Reminds me of some of my ex's and my DH used to play the guitar to me in the early days and I found it too try hard and irritating! He couldn't be arsed doing that now! I think I would have to say something...maybe along the lines of that you've noticed he doesn't seem his usual self around you...and see what he says?

Dontbeme · 18/12/2023 12:16

So he was like this at the start of your friendship, then he knocked the behaviour on the head and now he is back to his twattery when you started dating, are you sure the middle non-twat era was not the fake him and this beanie wearing, blazer with no top underneath is the real him in all it's twat glory? Does it seem likely that he lured you in by wearing a shirt under his jacket and not pulling stupid faces like something out of Hallmark channel? Now you are hooked off come the shirt, out comes the late night piano and beanie?

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 12:17

I just went to bed (the piano is his bedroom though) and ignored him. After a few minutes, he stopped and came to bed too.

I wonder if he stopped because he cared about you getting sleep or if he stopped because he had lost his audience?

It's strange that he started playing at 2am in the first place though. He didn't have your sleep in mind then.

barbarahunter · 18/12/2023 12:18

Must be my mind, but what was he using to play the piano with?

ps, you've got yourself a jerk, don't worry it happens to a lot of women, just get rid of him.

whatchagonnado · 18/12/2023 12:19

Just tell him to stop it as it's having the opposite effect- you don't need him to try and impress you.
I sometimes wonder if this type of behaviour comes from a very ancient, deep-rooted place where males are almost subconsciously driven to 'peacock' to impress and attract a mate. On modern times, it really doesn't work like that! 🤣

Redlarge · 18/12/2023 12:20

This would drive me insane. He's a walking ick.

I went out with someone who studied music at Cambridge but ended up doing very little with it. He had a massive chip on his shoulder about being a better pianist than everyone else ever and would always make me listen to him, delaying dinner, when he should have been getting ready.... making us late because of a random need to tinkle the ivory... or wanting me to fawn. I thought no. That and I found out he shagged a Tory MP at uni too and i just thought im done. You are an enormous ICK.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 12:21

I am definitely not the right audience for this stuff. And he knows this because he knows me!!

If he REALLY knew you, would be doing stuff that puts you off?

he doesn't stop to think "Will OliviaLallie like this?" because if he did he'd have his answer!!!

I wonder why he DOESN'T stop to think would you like this? That's what most people do when they are trying to please. Doesn't sound like your thoughts and feelings are being factored in at all during these performances.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 12:23

I hope you don't get the full trifecta one day, OP!

If he ever plays the piano at 2am, wearing a blazer over a bare chest and a beanie, and while gurning silly faces I'd definitely leave 😂

Abouttoblow · 18/12/2023 12:24

There would be no way back from the blazer and beanie for me.

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 12:24

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 12:23

I hope you don't get the full trifecta one day, OP!

If he ever plays the piano at 2am, wearing a blazer over a bare chest and a beanie, and while gurning silly faces I'd definitely leave 😂

Oh God, I think I'd implode 😅

OP posts:
nottaotter · 18/12/2023 12:24

@OliviaLallie the talking about his feelings and love for you is, I suspect, more about his feelings and love/self loathing for himself.

sarahc336 · 18/12/2023 12:26

I've got the ick op, so awkward 😬

Findingmypurposeinlife · 18/12/2023 12:26

Do you know much about his past relationships?
Sounds to me like he is used to dating younger partners who (might) be impressed by this sort of thing and he is not sure how to handle a mature relationship?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2023 12:28

Findingmypurposeinlife · 18/12/2023 12:26

Do you know much about his past relationships?
Sounds to me like he is used to dating younger partners who (might) be impressed by this sort of thing and he is not sure how to handle a mature relationship?

Sounds to me like there's a lot of obvious reasons he's been single.

2catsandhappy · 18/12/2023 12:29

I recall my baby's mobile playing Au Clair de la Lune. Ask him to play that at bedtime.

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 12:29

Findingmypurposeinlife · 18/12/2023 12:26

Do you know much about his past relationships?
Sounds to me like he is used to dating younger partners who (might) be impressed by this sort of thing and he is not sure how to handle a mature relationship?

I think you might be right actually. He had a couple of long relationships in his twenties with same-age women, then was single for a bit and his last relationship which lasted a couple of years and ended last year was with a woman 8 years younger. Think he might be used to younger women who might like this stuff?

OP posts:
commonground · 18/12/2023 12:30

Is his name Ken?

barbarahunter · 18/12/2023 12:30

Hmm, bit insulting to younger women to suggest they would find him amazing for doing that stuff.

LadeOde · 18/12/2023 12:30

I knew I was going to laugh as soon as I saw the thread title and it didn't disappoint 😂. Sorry @OP, I have no advice.

Original poster
OliviaLallie · 18/12/2023 12:30

commonground · 18/12/2023 12:30

Is his name Ken?

I'll just tell him he is KENOUGH then. Problem solved😂

OP posts:
Redlarge · 18/12/2023 12:30

commonground · 18/12/2023 12:30

Is his name Ken?

Ask him to watch the godfather with you.

readymealeater · 18/12/2023 12:33

his last relationship which lasted a couple of years and ended last year was with a woman 8 years younger. Think he might be used to younger women who might like this stuff?

Again though, that would show that he really isn't factoring you in at all. He's just treating women like a homogenous group. "They'll like this!"

tribpot · 18/12/2023 12:36

commonground · 18/12/2023 12:30

Is his name Ken?

Showing my age - my first thought was Aleksandr Petrovsky, aka the Russian from Sex and the City. Composed a song for Carrie in French, Miranda nearly passed out when Carrie was telling them about it afterwards.

"What's the French for ick?"
"Eek?"