Just cannot get my head around my parents.

[Tanaphiru]

I suppose my first instinct here is that I'm asking the internet for permission to go no contact, which is something I know I can only decide for myself, but I just had to write down what my parents are like.

I'm fifty-one. My parents are still together and in their mid-seventies.

I swear - I SWEAR - I am not exaggerating when I say my father has only ever cared about one thing: the television. He has two states: watching television or wishing he wasn't doing whatever he was doing so that he could get back to watching television. Nobody visiting the house expects a word out of him and they just focus on my mother. When we were children (I have a brother) we never knew when his hair-trigger temper (which I no longer tolerate) would erupt and we'd get a smack across the face. But when I look back it was always for a non-sensical reason connected with him being in a situation he couldn't cope with, which was basically anything social. (This also meant it was usually in front of the whole family that we were hit, adding to the humiliation). As an adult I can see he is simply a breathtakingly weak man. He was also happy to hit (with full rage and force) family dogs - I'm talking a Dachsund and a Cocker Spaniel here - and yet he wouldn't DARE behave in such a way towards anyone or anything outside the four walls of our house.

So yes - my mother does all the talking. And yet she too basically has two states: talking to people as if she just caught them at the bottom of slide, or talking to them as if they just fell off the slide and bruised their knee, depending on what the conversation appears to her to require. It's beyond patronising. When she does it to strangers (shop staff etc.) you see them literally back away from her, yet I promise you she goes to bed certain she's an angel of goodness in the world.

She's one of those women who does things for people only for the thanks and the appreciation, and if the thanks doesn't come quickly enough or doesn't communicate enough admiration, someone's going to be getting brutally slagged off.

The talking-but-saying-nothing thing also obviously applies when I've tried to get out of her why she stood by and enabled our 'father' to be such a non-father and completely negative presence.

And yet all the bills were paid, there was always a roof over our heads etc. etc. etc. I've read that they're classed as 'emotionally immature parents'...but my goodness...I literally don't know them. Never miss them when they're not around. I only feel relief.

They seem to value not actually knowing anybody, including their children, in any kind of real way. I think perhaps they've found safety in that. I swear any chatty checkout girl/boy at the supermarket or stranger who asks to briefly share my table in a busy cafe makes for an atmosphere a thousand times more comfortable than they ever have.

If you've read this far, thank you. As I say, I just had to write this down.

Sorry they are shit parents. You have every right to not have them in your life.

You sound very level headed and you can see them for what they are. Both unpleasant people who have no regard for how they make others feel. I'm not surprised you don't want to spend time with them; sadly, your happiness seems of no importance to them.

Bloody hell op, they both sound horrendous. I am so sorry. I hope you are ok. I would have gone NC a long time ago if I were me.

At your age you can see or not see anyone you choose. You can be less available if you want to be.

Nobody would judge you.

I will say though the humiliation at being hit - those people who stood by and allowed this to happen should be ashamed.

The women of Mumsnet absolutely give you permission to go nc!

What a powerful description, OP! I think you would find a lot of support on the stately homes thread.you should just fadd away and arrange never to see them or take their calls. They don’t deserve you.

Thank you all for these replies! I guess I shouldn't be but I'm surprised and feel good they're so unequivocal. I think perhaps parents like this don't just do what they do, they also make sure they invalidate your opinion of it. That's my gut feeling... Thanks again.

Awful. And shockingly lacking in self awareness.

What was the work situation? Do you remember much about grandparents or wider family?

I can totally relate to this. Very very similar dynamics growing up and now except mine split up and my dad died recently.

I was very low contact for years. Then got lulled into encouraging my DM to move closer. Good for her as I’ve manage to get her some help she really needed but it takes its toll on my mental health. I feel exhausted by having to be on guard for when the rage will come and it’s hard to predict. It’s reminded me why I moved away and went LC. Now I can’t. I’m stuck.

Your priority is any DC you have, and therefore (or if you don’t have DC) your own well-being. This includes having time to eat well, sleep well, exercise, nurture yourself, socialise, have interests or hobbies, work, keep on top of domestic responsibilities. Then supporting those who are your ‘go to’ supports.

Anything left energy-wise they can have. You owe them nothing.

That's what a lot of boomer parents are/were like, I think. Your mum sounds more flamboyant than mine, but otherwise I can relate.

Thank you for asking :)

My father was a pharmacist, which allowed him to be alone in the back all day and just pass tablets through a window to the people on the counter :) My mother was a housewife. Apparently my father's mother was a psychological monster who terrorised everyone, and his father was as uncommuncative as him but without the seething temper and apparent frustration - just utterly henpecked. (You see the ripple effect of this. My father has two sisters, and they both married loud blowhards who are only ever on broadcast and never receive.)

The really strange thing is that both my parents watch TV constantly and therefore see hundreds of people interacting in normal ways. But, as you say, there just seems to be no self-reflection there or desire for anything to be different.

Any diagnosed neurodiversity in the family? Not as an excuse for arsehole behaviour, but perhaps explaining stress levels and need to surround himself with his own world.

Everything you say is about your parents.

Nothing you say is about you.

Think about that.

I once carefully mentioned to my mother that my father ticked all the boxes for autism, but again, it's kind of like pouring water into sand; if she doesn't want to acknowledge something she just doesn't. Did you ever watch 'Westworld'? It's like the robots in that - they're programmed not to see anything that would disturb their status quo :) Another interesting example was when she revealed that somewhere out there she has a half-sister from an affair her father had. She has no contact details for her, and the whole woe-is-me story is that she doesn't get to know her half-sister. When I pointed out how painful this must have been for her mother/my gran, I just get the blank stare and the change of subject.

OP, that sounds incredibly hard. You do not need permission to go NC - but IMO it is entirely reasonable.

However, I don't know if it's just a phrase I've not heard before, but what does this mean? Apologies I genuinely don't comprehend the meaning of these sentences.

"And yet she too basically has two states: talking to people as if she just caught them at the bottom of slide, or talking to them as if they just fell off the slide and bruised their knee, depending on what the conversation appears to her to require. "

Your parents have developed the habit of living in their own little bubbles. They're not watching TV with any real interest - it's just a way of tuning out everything and everyone else.

You've provided a really excellent description of a truly painful family life and the personalities who created it.

You don't need permission to do what's best for your emotional health. Try to disengage emotionally though. It's harder than simply cutting back contact. You have to examine a huge amount of your outlook on life and create something that is authentically you, not just "not-my-parents'-way". You want to avoid staying in orbit around them in your head and heart.

:) I just mean she talks to people like they're children.

Ahh, sorry - that makes a lot of sense now!

Thank you mathanxiety that's a really good point...to make sure it's not merely a reactive life you end up living.

Wow OP!

I'm 35. This was like reading about my very own parents!

I'm not no contact with them, but I am, very minimal contact. Events etc, happy to see them when we all go out for a meal as a dam (I have a sister) . But I've not visited their home in over 3 years. To add some context around this, they are lazy, and have not cleaned their home in nearly 10 years. It is literally filthy there and a toxic environment.

They also don't know how to even speak to each other, it's shouting and volatile vibes or silence.

Do what's best for you! Your life is yours, and you, like me, have overcome a semi safe but very frustrating upbringing. No one can take how well you have done away from you x

I am v low contact with my 80-something parents. My DM sees herself as gracious and social - and like yours is incredibly patronising to everyone she speaks to. This embarrassed me no end throughout my childhood and teens. In her mind she is always right; there is only one way to think or behave and she is utterly incapable of putting herself into anyone else's shoes or seeing someone else's point of view. She would be highly offended if this was pointed out to her. My DF hit me every time he lost his temper. They are educated, middle class, retired professionals. Neither of them has ever seen me as a person. They have no idea of my likes, dislikes or feelings. I am just their child and some sort of disappointing extension of themselves.

I would have been taken into care nowadays.

Semi-safe is a good phrase :)

OP, I'm sorry you had absolutely crap parents. I wouldn't even speak to them. When I was a care worker, I saw so many elderly people whose "family never visits or cares". What other people didn't see was the background you describe here. One old boy in particular was a lovely, friendly, gentle old bloke, a retired policeman - it turned out he used to knock his wife and kids about for years

Reflecting on something you wrote in your first post about having a roof over your head etc. Has this been pointed out to you as something to be gratefull for by your parents? It seems to be a well used line by parents like yours (and mine) “I fed you, I clothed you, I kept a roof over your head”
In reality this is the minimum a child should expect from parents (extreme circumstances excluded).

People have excellent ‘coping strategies’ or social programming. They have set phrases, set routines and patterns that work in the outside world. ‘This is what a pharmacist does, and says’.

Inside a family they have no pattern to follow. They are at a loss. The very human interactions of children who are noisy when the tv is on, or all the other irritations like not doing well at school or being good at what parent thinks you should be good at… those are intolerable because they can’t be understood, they don’t match, they don’t fit. So he responds with anger.
Some people get coached into patterns for family life by partners, but I guess your mum couldn’t do that either.
I do wonder whether ND people attract people with similar limitations because they don’t see the gap, at least at first. That said my dad was great, but he managed to marry my mum.

I’m so sorry you grew up like that.