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Original poster

No gift after husband comes back from working away

148 replies

noodlemcnoodle · 16/12/2023 06:40

My husband works away a lot , has just got back from 6 weeks in Turks and Cacos Islands. He used to bring me back something when he went away but now, nothing. He brought back sweets for our daughter. He said he is working, its not a holiday so he doesn't need to. I feel that it's a sign of appreciation taking care of everything back here while he is away. I work full time so it's not easy ! He is away upto 7 months of the year. But he doesn't see how that puts pressure on me. Says I am a diva

OP posts:

Raindancer411 · 16/12/2023 06:48

Sorry you are being a diva. He at least remembered your little one with some sweets. Like he says he is working.

FiveShelties · 16/12/2023 06:50

Did you buy him a welcome home gift?

cuckyplunt · 16/12/2023 06:50

I would be saying “Don’t come back without a present for me…” and I would get one. But I am a diva!

Pamspeople · 16/12/2023 06:50

If he doesn't appreciate what you do for his child then you have a much bigger problem than the lack of a present. Was this always the deal, that you would do the childcare so that he can work away more than half the year?

handyandie · 16/12/2023 06:51

I don't understand this need to go out and buy things for people, even when it is a holiday. Holidays should be enjoyed not spent going out getting tatt to give to people back home.

What kind of gift did you expect him to be buying you from his work trip?

AlwaysFreezing · 16/12/2023 06:51

7 months? That's an enormous amount of time away.

I'd want a fucking Toblerone too.

thishasnotmyweek · 16/12/2023 06:53

What are you expecting him to buy you? Souvenir tat? Sweets too? Or perfume from the airport?

I wouldn’t care for a gift really but I would want to feel appreciated, to me that would look like him cooking us a nice meal and giving me some alone time to relax. Does he do anything to show his appreciation?

maybe look up love languages - yours seems to be gifts but he might be showing his appreciation in a different way that you’re not recognising.

if he does nothing then I agree you have a bigger problem

LadyWithLapdog · 16/12/2023 06:54

What sort of thing, though? A keyring with Turks & Caicos? He could pick something up in the airport, even on landing. Would that be thoughtful enough, though? Everywhere there’s the same stuff as in the UK, does he buy you things here?

EmptyYoghurtPot · 16/12/2023 06:54

The diva comment would upset me more than the lack of present. My DH often works away and doesn’t always bring presents but often gets chocolates for us to all share or my favourite perfume (only available in Spain or France) if he happens to be in the right country.

CremeBrunette · 16/12/2023 06:59

I don’t agree with buying something for buying something’s sake and you sound a bit petulant but I think it’s more a symptom of your marriage. You said he used to buy you a present when he went, he bought your daughter something and he doesn’t appreciate you staying home to look after your daughter. He was there for 6 weeks, he wouldn’t have been working constantly for those 6 weeks, he’d have gone out into a town at some point (clearly because he got your daughter something). I think it’s a combination of the spark going, so he isn’t automatically thinking about you and getting you something like he would have done and the under appreciation. I think you need to have a proper chat with him. Apologise that saying he didn’t get you a gift was the wrong wording but you feel under appreciated. Those little gestures help in acknowledging it isn’t easy and you have to sacrifice a lot so he can be away for most of the year working. I’d suggest trying counselling but if he’s away so much, I don’t know if it would work.

ShakeNvacStevens · 16/12/2023 07:00

Why the sarky comments about what kind of gift OP is expecting? She clearly says he always used to bring her back something so I’m guessing the issue is not so much the lack of gift that’s bothering OP, but the change in behaviour. I’d be bothered too and very much feeling taken for granted.

user1492757084 · 16/12/2023 07:02

So the problem is the change, is it?

He used to buy you a gift and be thoughtful about you being left behind. Now he does not.
Instead of asking for a gift why don't you ask him why he now doesn't think to buy you a gift when once he did?
Ask yourself why you don't buy him a welcome home gift too.

Remind him that you are doing all the parenting and missing out on his companionship. You are missing normal domestic married life and you would like him to be thankful that you keep the child in a happy home on your own.
A gift is not necessary but some sentiment of appreciation is necessary.

2Old2Tango · 16/12/2023 07:05

totally aside, I'm more interested in what sort of job takes you to the Turks and Caicos for 6 weeks!

FuglyBitch · 16/12/2023 07:09

Everyone on here (& your DH) calling you a diva need to read the 5 languages of love. A gift is how you feel appreciated.
As long as you appreciate him in the way he expects.

Dustybarn · 16/12/2023 07:23

If he never worked away and then had a trip then a gift would be nice, but if he works away 7 months of the year then a gift every time is a bit much. I commute for work so I am out of town for half of each month. I don’t bring my DH gifts unless he needs something or I see something he particularly likes that we can’t get at home. It is nice that he brings some for you daughter.

faffadoodledo · 16/12/2023 07:26

DH used to work away for long periods - mainly in god forsaken places. I would get sporadic gifts and was happy with that. if he saw something truly lovely or useful he'd get it. If not, empty handed. Most often it was interesting food or sweets - particularly from the middle ease

Zanatdy · 16/12/2023 07:31

He could have got you some duty free perfume. It’s hard holding the fort at home, my ex worked away for 7 of the last 13yrs since we split.

Cas112 · 16/12/2023 07:45

Op to put it politely.. get a grip 😭

SnowsFalling · 16/12/2023 07:48

Best gift when DH came back from travelling used to be him taking the kids out for a Saturday afternoon, and letting me SLEEP!

I'd agree gifts from work trips are unnecessary, but it was obviously the norm for you. What made him change??

SkySecret · 16/12/2023 07:57

I think his attitude towards you is more important than a present. It sounds like he doesn’t comprehend the fact that when he’s away (assume staying in a hotel) he’s had 6 weeks off from cooking, cleaning, tidying and parenting. You get your food prepared for you in a hotel and other people do all your housework for you, so all of your free time is your own.

If he’s away for over half the year and isn’t grateful to you for picking everything else up alone then he’s a selfish arsehole. I’d have him contribute towards a cleaner!

Ilovecashews · 16/12/2023 08:02

Fuck that! My husband is on the way home right now from the states and I know that he’ll have presents. Magazines, chocs etc. He shows that he cares and thinks about me and us, and I show it to him in other ways during the week.

PaperDoIIs · 16/12/2023 08:06

OH always brings something back for me and DD when he works away. Nothing too exciting, and it's not expected but it is a nice gesture. Can't say it would particularly bother me if he stopped, if everything else was the same and ok.

More than the gesture, is the change in behaviour. If he's always done it(and set up that standard himself), why has he suddenly stopped? Why call you names when you ask about something HE got you used to expect?

Are there any other issues in your marriage/changes in behaviour? Does he generally make you feel taken for granted?

As an anecdote, my grandad came back from the city after selling some crops and grandma was furious he didn't bring her back anything. "What? Not even a sweetie?" . After that, any time he went anywhere he's come back with a ... sweetie.

Alainlechat · 16/12/2023 08:06

Probably different for a long trip but if I work away Monday to Thursday I usually only see the office, the hotel and the airport.

When I have occasionally had to stay for a week or longer I have had time to pick up some gifts.

Usually I do pick up some sweets at the airport after a short trip.

I think after 6 weeks it would have been nice to have received something.

Peablockfeathers · 16/12/2023 08:10

The fact he used to and that he did get some sweets so was somewhere he could have picked up a token gift is sad. Yes it's not the end of the world but it's hard work holding the fort whilst they're away. I had small gifts from DH everytime he went away and I'd always cook his favourite meal for his first day home.

HouseChainDrama · 16/12/2023 08:10

I do t really understand why you put up with him opting out of family life and putting all this strain on you.

I'd be demanding he got a different job. He'll claim he can't I expect, but that won't be true.

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